Disclaimer: All your base are belong to Kishimoto
Mature Content / Slight crack / Slight AU
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Chapter 1 - The mission
"Anko, please come in and take a seat. I'll be right with you."
Anko's mouth snapped shut, so much for the grandiose production she planned on using to announce her presence, and the other woman still hadn't looked up from the paperwork she had her nose buried in. Senju Tsunade was the 5th Hokage for a reason after all.
If she was irritated at being detected trying to surprise her blond Hokage Anko didn't show it. Instead she threw on one of her trademark grins and marched into the office with a slight sway in her hips, surveying the office as she did so. Despite holding the rank of special jounin and being on relatively good terms with Tsunade, she rarely had the occasion to be called into the woman's office.
The most obvious feature in the room was the huge wooden desk dominating the center of the circular room. The desk was older than she was she knew, it was made of the finest woods of the 1st Hokage's era, and considering who he was that was saying something. The next thing she noticed was the simple wicker chair staged in front of the desk. It was set three feet away from the rectangular monolith, and there was even more empty space on the other three sides.
Being as well versed as she was in torture and interrogation techniques she understood the intention right away, sitting in that chair would inevitably cause the occupant to feel like they were on a stage, exposed as it were at the exact time when they were faced with the most intimidating person in the village. A tiny piece of psychological warfare set in place before any discussions or negotiations had even occurred.
Anko walked up and kicked the chair lazily, it slid forward until it was a more comfortable distance from her Hokage. She never broke stride and continued forward, settling comfortably into the relocated seat with a smile.
Tsunade looked up from the report she was reviewing with a smirk. Of the hundreds of visitors that made their way through her office each month she could count on one hand the ones with enough balls to move the chair. Other Kages would do it, the Fire lord, a few select heads of state … and one blond haired loudmouth.
She knew there was reason she liked Anko.
"So, I hear you have a special mission for me?" Anko asked. Tsunade nodded, causing Anko to lean forward with a widening grin, "Who do you need me to whack?"
Tsunade pouted, "Now Anko, don't tell me my predecessor got it stuck in your head that the only thing you're good for are assassinations?"
Anko snorted. "Oh hell no, I'm pretty much great at everything, but it just seems to bourgeois to brag. Although I suppose I can't lie in that I've always operated within a pretty specialized mission profile. But I just figured it was because I'm so damn good at it that the old man gave up trying to find anyone else with my combination of stunning good looks and lethal wit. I can also kill a man seventeen different ways with my pinky finger."
She wiggled the deadly digit for emphasis.
Tsunade snorted at the joke and grabbed for her sake bottle, "Well that's for sure, but to be honest I've got something for you that's ... quite a ways outside of your typical mission profile. You interested?"
Anko watched the blond produce a pair of cups for the sake and fill them both, now granted Tsunade was a different breed than the old man but getting her drunk to take a mission? She wasn't sure if she wanted any part of whatever the other woman was cooking up but she sure as hell wasn't going to leave before finding out, nor turn down free sake. "OK, you've got my attention, what's up?" she asked, accepting the offered drink.
"Well," Tsunade said, pausing a moment to down her shot, "I happen to have a mission on my docket that the kunoichi I would normally assign refused to accept. The snide little bitch even said I should assign the mission to you." Anko drained her own cup and frowned, she didn't like the sound of that but decided not to interrupt. "It was obviously meant as an insult to you and to the person this mission revolves around, a person I happen to care for a great deal."
"How is she?"
"Full recovery in six to eight weeks," Tsunade answered casually. "But she got me thinking, why not Anko? And then when I checked up on your profile I found out something very interesting indeed, it seems you've been specifically barred from performing these kinds of missions without your knowledge."
"What?" Anko blurted out. "What the hell? By whose orders? On what grounds? This is bull -"
"Anko," Tsunade interrupted her, "you you haven't even asked what the mission is about yet, I could be talking about rectal exams for the elderly."
Anko wrinkled her nose in disgust, "Aww Tsunade! Now I'm going to have to go poke out my mind's eye!"
This brought a hearty chuckle from the blond, "Ah ha! So I finally found your weakness, duly noted. You know Anko, someday you're gonna need someone to take care of you in your old age."
"Che, I don't think so. That's why I became a kunoichi in the first place, soon as it looks like I can't wipe my own ass I'm going right out to find somebody to stab me through the heart. Shouldn't be difficult, I do have a lot of enemies ..." she said, drifting off as if mentally taking the tally.
"You and me both."
"Alright, alright, enough of this nasty side-bar. So what's this mission profile I was so unjustifiably blackballed from and why?"
Tsunade refilled both their shot glasses and picked hers up, holding it out toward Anko. Catching on she picked up her own and the blond Hokage clicked the tiny porcelain cups together in a toast, "Resistance training," she said with a smile and downed her second.
Anko nearly dropped her glass, "Resistance training!" she squealed. "I've always wanted to do that!"
"I can tell, it seems your abundance of enthusiasm combined with your reputation as being a bit on the wild side were apparently why you got blacklisted in the first place."
'Not to mention the thirty seven pre-emptive letters of complaint from concerned mothers ...'
"But that's not fair, I thought teachers were supposed to be excited to teach! How could they keep me out over such a stupid misconception!"
Tsunade had to bite back a laugh as Anko attempted to appear incredulous. "Now, now Anko, that's all in the past. I'm in charge now and things have changed, so welcome aboard!"
Anko could barely contain her glee, "Oh thank you Hokage-sama! I promise I won't let you down, so who's my first victim!"
"Anko, you will behave yourself and perform this mission with the utmost professionalism, got it?"
Anko nodded vigorously, "I promise, I'm just excited! I'll act one hundred and ten percent professional but I have to warn you, I might secretly enjoy this assignment." Despite herself Anko couldn't wipe the girlish grin off of her face.
Tsunade just grinned and shook her head, "Well I guess I should thankful then, but you realize that you still haven't heard the details of this particular mission, or in this case, the identity of your victim."
Anko froze, that was a hell of a good point. If the other kunoichi were unwilling to train this bastard just what the hell was wrong with him? And the Hokage did say this person was someone very important to her, so what did that mean? Suddenly Anko found herself saying a little prayer to Kami that this wasn't as bad as it sounded like it could be, "Uh, please tell me it's not one of those bug kids Tsunade-sama, I don't think I could handle that."
Tsunade's face scrunched up at the thought, "Oh gross! No-no-no, they handle their own training in this area, thank Kami ..." She saw the look of relief wash over her subordinate's face but she was obviously still concerned as to why the other women had refused. Tsunade sighed inwardly, hopefully Anko would validate her trust and not let her down here, if anyone could understand what is was like to be unfairly judged it was Anko.
"So I guess you want to know who your student will be?" Anko only nodded but Tsunade could tell she wanted to add 'If I accept' to the end of that sentence. That she didn't say it earned her an extra point of respect in Tsunade's book. "As I said, it's someone who is .. special. Both to this village and to me personally. I'll expect you to take good care of him and train him well, he's going to be a big target in the future so this training is actually vitally important for his development."
Anko was on the edge of her seat, how long was she going to drag this out? "Spit it out already!"
Anko blinked. "The Naruto Uzumaki? You mean the one with the -" she gestured wildly around her stomach with her hands.
Tsunade quirked an eyebrow, "Yes, the one with the Kyuubi sealed inside of him," she said tensely. There, it was out. Now the question was how would Anko react …
"That's so fucking HOT! Hey, hey, do you have a picture of him?" Anko asked giddily. "You know, just to help in locating him of course," she added at the last second.
Tsunade's grin threatened to split her face. She quickly produced the latest profile photo of her favorite blond.
Taking it in hand the purple haired jounin whistled, "You know what? He kinda looks like a little Yondi!" If Tsunade was taken by surprise by the freakishly spot on analysis she didn't let it show. "I always had a crush on that guy, to bad I was a little too young to make a move before ... well, you know."
Tsunade cleared her throat, best not to let the kunoichi ponder too long on this line of thought. "So, are you in?"
Anko nodded so vigorously Tsunade thought she might hurt herself, "This beats assassination any day of the week and twice on Sundays. Just think, Anko Mitarashi, trained herself a demon!"
"He's not a demon!" Tsunade snapped.
Anko leaned over the table with a twinkle in her eye and winked, "How will I know until I've checked?"
Tsunade instantly blushed a deep red. "Anko! Don't you dare corrupt my Naruto-kun! He's practically my adopted son."
"Naruto-kun huh? Blond hair, blue eyes, and that smile. Maybe if I close my eyes I can even pretend you're my dream man!" Anko sighed, clutching the photo to her chest in mock dramatics.
"Dream man? Who's you're dream man?"
"I already told you," Anko replied quickly.
"Who, his father?"
Time stopped for both women, as the realization of what she just let slip dawned on the Hokage she turned her traitorous eyes on the only other human being in the room … and found Anko was staring right back at her with the most frightening smile on her face that she'd ever seen.
It's not often that a Kage gets outmaneuvered by anyone, but despite herself she had no idea how Anko covered the ground between them without her seeing anything. The special jounin magically appeared to her right, bowing with her hands on Tsunade's knees. She was looking up at Tsunade with huge brown orbs that would put the next cutest creature on the planet to shame. "Oh thank you Tsunade-sama! I promise I'll train little Yondi good and make you proud!" she cried out.
Tsunade slapped a hand over the other woman's mouth, "Ssshh! Damn it Anko, how the hell did you do that? That was a fucking S class secret I just blurted out and you're now bound by that clearance, you got it? Even Naruto doesn't know yet!"
Anko nodded in understanding and Tsunade let her go. The purple haired jounin stood up silently and walked back to her chair trying to assemble everything she knew about the young blond. Naruto Uzumaki. Vessel of the greatest demon ever known, pure power on par with the Hokages themselves, loudest and most annoying nin ever born, nemesis to all hair care products that would seek to tame and manage, and the most notorious prankster to ever graduate from Konoha's shinobi academy. She'd heard the ANBU black ops squads were still trying to collect on him for what he did to their first of the month bagel day last March. NO ONE fucked with the ANBU's bagel day and lived to tell about it, except for him.
And now she discovers that this burgeoning hottie is flesh and blood to the most scorchingly hot super stud who ever lived? 'Oh this is just too good, I may not have been able to get you my Hokage, but I will get your little Naruto!'
"Anko, I can see that look on your face. You are not to rape my genin."
Anko smiled brightly, "I would never! But as I understand it, it's my job to get him to rape me!"
"Try to rape you, 'try' being the operative word. You're not supposed to actually let him rape you."
"Uh huh, can I go?"
"Sure," Tsunade sighed. Anko vanished without a trace. "Well, I guess he had to grow up sometime. Better not turn out like Jiraiya or I'm gonna kill them both," she mumbled.
"Hey what the hell? I thought we agreed to no ninjutsu teme!"
"Stop your crying dobe, if you paid more attention to what was behind you it wouldn't have mattered."
Kakashi looked up from his porn and sighed, those two were never going to change, ever. Thank Kami that all the bickering they engaged in here at home didn't seem to translate to bickering in the field, at least not once the fighting started.
"Will you two shut the hell up! I'm trying to study this scroll over here and I can't concentrate with all your whining!" Sakura shouted from underneath a nearby tree.
Naruto whipped around and pouted, "But Sakura-chaaaaaan, he cheated!"
Inexorably, Sakura was drawn into the argument and soon all three of his students were yelling at each other. He supposed he could break it up, but that would take effort and it was just so hot out today. No, the best thing he could do was set a good example and act like a calm, rational adult, and read his porn in the shade.
"What's up Cyclops?" a friendly voice asked from behind him.
Kakashi had to fight the reflex to whip himself around and look stupid. He was an elite, and was not used to being snuck up on. 'Either I'm getting lazy, or whoever's behind is someone I should be very afraid of.'
He turned his head as non-chalantly as he could manage only to find the last person he could have possibly expected. Special Jounin Anko Mitarashi had draped herself across his back and was grinning like a predator at him over his shoulder.
'Ok then, afraid it is.'
She stuck a finger out and pointed at a paragraph in his book, "Oh, I like that part. I've found it works best with four people though, not three. Wouldn't you agree Kaka-kun?" she purred in his ear.
The one eyed nin struggled to maintain his composure at the mental image that popped into his head but he couldn't help from keeping every square centimeter of exposed skin from turning beet red. "Ah, Y-yeah I guess, I haven't really … well, of course I would hope t-that uh -"
A rough hand grabbed his cheek and pinched hard, "Awww, Little Kaka-kun is all flustered! How cute!"
Clearing his throat, he put his book away and turned around to face this very real threat to his reputation. A quick glance told him she hadn't changed much over the last few years, she still dressed as provocatively as possible without actually breaking the law, and if what she whispered in his ear was any indication she still had quite the wild side. "So Anko, I haven't seen you in quite some time, to what do I owe the pleasure?"
"Your students," she replied, casting a glance over at the ongoing melee. "Or at least one student in particular, I need to borrow little Naru-kun for a few days."
'Naru-kun?' His one visible eye registered its second shock of the minute. "Oh? And what would you need him for?"
"Anko, just because Naruto has special healing attributes doesn't mean you get to use him as a target dummy for some new technique," Kakashi scolded dryly.
Anko frowned in annoyance, "Not for me you jackass, it's for him and - wait, did you say special healing attributes?"
Kakashi winced. 'Whoops, sorry about that Naruto.'
Anko's eye's were glazed over as she appeared to be day dreaming about something that made her disturbingly happy. Kakashi's sensitive ears distinctly heard her murmuring to herself about "- endless possibilities."
A shiver went up his spine, something about this just didn't feel right, and handing off someone like Naruto to someone like Anko, well, that was just asking for trouble. He was about to say exactly that when a loud voice cut him off. "Hey! Who the hell is that lady talking to Kakashi-sensei? She even got him to put away his book!" Not a moment later there was an orange blur standing next to him looking Anko up and down with a critical eye.
She smiled and put on a little pose. "Well hello there…"
"Hmmm, I don't know Kakashi-sensei, this lady looks familiar to me but I just can't put my finger on it. I don't think you should trust her!" Naruto proclaimed.
Kakashi could feel the sweat forming on his brow, there was no way this was going to end well. It was like physics, it was inevitable.
Anko scowled and tried not to look to deflated at the blond not recognizing her from his chuunin exam. Didn't she single him out that morning just to make point to the other entrants? Hell, he could have at least gawked at her body, even with the jacket on she was showing enough cleavage to hide a sword. "Well the old lady trusts me so you should too."
"The old lady? Are you talking about Baa-chan? Oi Kakashi-sensei, is she talking about Baa-chan?"
"Uh, yes Naruto, she's talking about the Hokage," he replied calmly. Sasuke and Sakura arrived at that moment and joined the blond in looking at their teacher expectantly. He turned his attention back to Anko, "So, why is it that the Hokage thinks you can train Naruto here better than I can?" he asked.
Anko tried to answer but was cut off by another loud, annoying sound. "No way! Nobody's a better teacher than you Kakashi-sensei! Anything she can teach me I'll bet you can teach me a hundred times better!" Naruto yelled.
A fist connected with the back of the blond's head only a fraction of a second later, "Baka! You don't have to yell, we're all standing right here!" Sakura yelled even louder.
Anko could feel her already tenuous grip on her temper slipping away the pinky and the blond proceeded to enter into what looked like a well rehearsed shouting match. 'What is she bitching about? That fucking girl is louder than he is!'
"Both of you shut the fuck up! The next person that screams in my ear is getting a kunai up their ass, got it?" Anko growled. She laced her threat with a healthy dose of killing intent just to get the point across.
Every member of team seven quickly silenced themselves and nodded yes, Kakashi included. Naruto actually sat down. She took a step forward and dragged Naruto up by the front of his jacket, "Now listen up you little shit, I'm no one to be trifled with you hear me? If you have any doubts about my abilities then why don't you ask your sensei over there if he wants to go a round with me right now?"
Naruto was flabbergasted, he slowly turned his wide eyes to his sensei seeking some form of help only to find said man shaking his head in silent warning. A quick glance revealed that his teammates were going to be similarly useless. Gulping, Naruto turned back to face the terrifying woman. "I believe you," he whispered.
Anko let him go and stood back, "Good, and besides, this is a special kind of training that I don't think Kakashi is exactly willing to give you, but I am…" she purred, trailing a finger down his chest.
Naruto's mood instantly brightened, "Special training? That's great, now I'll finally be able to show Sasuke-teme who's the greatest!" He stuck his tongue out at the Uhciha and received a prompt "hn" in return.
"Hey wait just one minute!" Sakura chimed in, finding just enough backbone to speak up, "why is Naruto going to receive special training and not us? I don't think that's fair, I think Anko-senpai should train all of us at the same time."
Kakashi grabbed the pink haired genin by the shoulder, "Now, now Sakura, why don't you just calm down a bit. Anko, exactly what kind of training are we talking about here?"
Anko was leering at the younger kunoichi in a way that was making Sakura feel less and less sure that drawing attention to herself in the presence of this woman was a good idea to begin with. "All of you at the same time huh?" she said thoughtfully licking her lips, "Now that has some potential."
Sakura took an involuntary step back but Sasuke was finally starting to show some real interest in the entire situation, just what was this psycho woman talking about?
"Uh, Anko? The training?" Kakashi repeated. "What is it?"
Anko replied with a raised eyebrow and a wistful expression that Kakashi interpreted as something along the lines of 'Do you really have to fucking ask?' He ran through the checklist in his mind of what she'd already said and several clues began to stand out:
- Anko wanted Naruto alone.
- She said Kakashi wouldn't want to give him this training.
- Naruto was away with Jiraiya-sama for the last three years and the only male in his class that hadn't received …
Just as the truth became clear something happened that made the other members of team seven practically jump from their collective skins, Sasuke was laughing his ass off. They would all later remember it as the first and last time they had ever heard the normally morose teen give in to a full blown, from the gut, leaves you gasping for breath laugh.
"Hey what's so fucking funny teme?" Naruto growled after he got over the shock of Sasuke's outburst.
"Sasuke! What's gotten in to you?" Sakura scolded, having recovered from her own form of flight or fight.
Kakashi on the other hand was only staring at the seriously impatient kunoichi who was starting to twitch at her kunai holster, 'I can't believe that lucky little shit! This training is usually given at fourteen but Naruto wasn't here and missed out. I heard Jiraiya had tried to make up for it on the road at the gentlemen's clubs but could never get Naruto to cooperate, I thought that ought to be a pass in and of itself but I guess not. And to get Anko of all people! She's never trained anyone before, it's like finding a unicorn, no one's ever going to believe it!'
"Resistance training," he said shaking his head. Anko nodded curtly.
"Resistance training, what's that?" Sakura asked, looking all around at the group trying to divine an answer from their expressions.
Sasuke was still shaking from barely controlled laughter, "You?" Sasuke asked Anko, "Are going to train - him?"
Anko shot the raven haired teen a look that could kill the undead, "You got something to say about it shit for brains?"
Sasuke only waved his hands up in a defensive gesture and turned around to leave, still chuckling in amusement. Sakura was about to say something else when he hooked her arm and pulled her away from the group, "Come on, I'll tell you later," he said. Sakura looked like she still wanted to fight about it but gave in to her lifetime crush and walked with him back to the training area.
Naruto was starting to feel like the butt of a joke and he didn't appreciate the feeling one bit. "Alright, what the hell is going on? And what's resistance training?"
He felt the hand of his sensei on his right shoulder and looked up to the man he'd trusted in for so long, "Naruto, I think it's best if you just go with Anko and let her explain the training, Ok?"
"Naruto. Go with Anko, she's right, I'm not exactly the right person to be teaching you this particular lesson. You'll understand later," he added, seeing the disbelieving look in the blond's eyes.
"Let's get this show on road you two fairies, I don't have all damn day and the sooner we get started the sooner I can get started!" Anko cackled.
Naruto spun around with a red face and a raised fist, "Who are you calling fairies you grape haired bitch?!"
He never saw the kunai that split his cheek open.
"Argh!" he screamed falling backwards. When he landed on his butt he stared up at his attacker with recognition spreading across his face, "Oh Kami I remember you, from the exams! Why do always have throw kunai at my face?"
Faster than he could see she was straddling him on the ground and cupping his head in her hands. He went rigid at the unexpected contact, and could only stare into her brown eyes as she brought her face down close to his. "Because you never know when to shut the fuck up, that's why. But don't worry my little Naru-kun, I'm going to teach you all about the proper usage of your mouth," she whispered huskily.
Naruto could feel his pulse race as her words filtered into his brain.
"Deja-vu, Naru-kun ..."
His memory flashed back to their first meeting at the gates of the forest of death. Almost this exact same thing happen then too he realized, she grazed his cheek with the a kunai just as she did moments ago, and then she ... 'Oh shit'
Anko proceeded to run her tongue across the fresh cut with a low moan, taking care to lap up as much of his delicious blood as she possibly could. She wore a lecherous grin as she felt him shutter underneath her, and finished her cleaning with a soft, wet kiss on his cheek.
"Hey! What the fuck is she doing to him?!" Sakura screamed from the other side of the clearing where Sasuke had dragged her. Fortunately for everyone he was able to hold her back while taking only minimal damage.
Feeling all eyes on her Anko straightened up and ran her tongue across red stained lips, savoring the taste of Naruto's blood. "Spicy, I like that," she cooed.
Naruto paled once he realized what she was referring to and Kakashi turned to one side realizing he was starting to get aroused. 'Kami, I wonder if I can get her to re-up my training when she's done with him? Ah! Bad Kakashi, just get them out of here before she does something even worse!'
"Uh, Naruto? You're Anko's for the next few days until this supplemental training is over, just go with her and for the love of Kami please be polite, I'd like to see you again someday."
Naruto was in hell, he couldn't ever remember being more confused about anything in his life than he was at that moment. He had to admit, there was something very, very, very tantalizing about the woman currently sitting on him, and the way her silky thighs wrapped around his body - 'Kami, sooooo warm!' - set his senses on fire.
But even he knew this bitch was crazy.
Plus she scared the crap out of him. "But Kakashi sensei, can't I just stay here and have you train me?" he whined.
"Sorry Naruto, I don't swing that way. How long do you think you'll need Anko?"
Anko looked down at her frightened genin and couldn't help but get lost a little bit in his pleading blue eyes, 'So much like his …'
"Don't wait up," she whispered.
Kakashi's visible eyebrow raised, "Right, just bring back what's left of him when you're done."
5/25/09 - Slight update, I didn't change anything, I've just cleaned up a few bits here and there that I didn't like.
6/9/09 - More house cleaning, fixed up some dialog I never liked.