Urgh, sorry ahead of time for not updating this fic in the longest. Between having to both come up with and take final exams, it's been a ridiculously busy month for me. But when winter vacation comes along, I am definitely looking forward to working on this story some more. (Well... after I come back from my honeymoon, anyway!) Until then, here's part 3.

(And yes, I will eventually start skipping a few dates here and there. Nobody wants this story to go on for 90 straight chapters just to cover one year in our favorite messed-up farming girl's life, right?)

Thanks again to all the wonderful, wonderful people who reviewed part 2 of this fic. I am seriously in your debt and would never have made the attempt to update this fic at this time if it wasn't for your encouragement. Thanks so much and I hope you keep reading and enjoying this story! And believe me when I say that I'll eventually get back to each and every one of you...

Title: From the Mixed Up Files of a Farming Malfunction, Part 3
Fandom: Harvest Moon: More Friends of Mineral Town
Characters/Pairings: Farmer, Farmer/Doctor, Farmer/Gray, Cast of the Game
Rating: R
Summary: A single girl's guide to mating and creating in Mineral Town. Or: How to keep your sense and sanity while moving into a farm that might actually be
helped by acid rain. Beware snarkiness running rampant!
Note: Profanity and sexual content (yes, it's coming eventually!)

Spring 3, Diary Entry #3:

So. I met my immediate neighbors for the first time today. And they are, in roughly the order I met them:

a) Lumberjack dude. No clue about whether he prances around with women's clothing in bars but he does live near an awful lot of flowers. Hmm. Food for thought. In any case, he offered to renovate my whole place... if I had more money than God and decided that deforesting the entire freaking rain forest for lumber would be worth having a new bathroom installed. Still, it might be worth it to kill a few forests to get myself a decent dog house...

b) Inexplicable Pink, Part One: Offered me chickens, chicken feed, and some disturbing speculation about whether her carpet matches her drapes. Nice enough, though, in that Stepford-ish kinda way.

c) Inexplicable Pink, Part Two: Part 2 of my continual speculation about carpets-matching-drapes. Seriously, what do they put in the water in this town? Am I going to wake up and find my hair (below or above) turned bright orange someday?!

d) Some guy that never left the eighties. Because... seriously? Dude? Head-bands, at this day and age? Dude. Dude. Dude. I don't care if you've apparently decided you've got a crush on me and started offering me a chicken out of the blue. I mean, not that I turned down the offer, of course. But... seriously. Head-bands. Start dressing in leggings and gold-lame and you could be part of Poison someday.

e) Old horse guy. Though technically, he's really old cow-and-sheep guy. Which doesn't flow as easily off the tongue, sadly.

f) Harry Potter. Probably not the most accurate assessment in the world-- but you know what? To me, all little kids are Harry Potter. So this one's Harry with, you know, girl parts and no magic powers. Which admittedly, once she told me that I had the shiniest hair she had ever seen, still makes her really awesome. It's rare to find someone that young who still really appreciated the shiny.

And seriously, out of everyone I met today, I liked that little Harry Potter clone, May, best of all. She was just about the only one who didn't look at me like I had popped over from another planet with an extra set of tits growing out of my knees when I talked about myself and how I failed college and came here for a fresh start and was having trouble already.

Not that, you know, anyone was mean. They were all approximately sweeter than a couple of grams of freaking Splenda. I left with all of their houses with just about my body weight in pies and assorted baked goods. (Except for Lumberjack dude. He gave me a few pressed flowers to take home. I'm really starting to think that I've got a secret tranny in my sights.) And hey, I even got a chicken out of it through the power of my shiny, shiny hair. That's pretty awesome, right?

I mean, granted, about the most in-depth conversation I had was when Harry Potter asked me if why my hair was so shiny and I got to share the magic secret power of egg-whites for follicles until a flock of freaking unicorns managed to magically wander by. Other than that, there was a lot of awkward standing around, trying to find something in common with the loser city-girl college-drop out. Seriously, here's the jist of the conversations we had.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: So, uh, nice weather we're having, huh?

Lumberjack dude: Yup.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: Um, good day for building stuff?

Lumberjack dude: Sure it is, little lady. As long as you're not out in the woods at dark... there might be strange things there now...

Loser city-girl college-drop out: ... ... ... ... oh. Um, I'll keep that in mind. As long as I'm not eaten by Bigfoot, I mean.

Lumberjack dude: You never know in those mountains...

Loser city-girl college-drop out: ...Eeep!

Loser city-girl college-drop out: So, uh, nice weather we're having, huh?

Inexplicable Pink One: It's so beautiful. If only I wasn't dying and my children weren't about to be orphaned because there father ran off for supposedly noble reasons but still hasn't come home even when I need him the most...

Loser city-girl college-drop out: ... ... ... ... oh. Um, I'll keep that in mind. In case I ever need to, er, write out an, um, obituar... erm. Ah... gosh, what wonderful chickens you keep!

Inexplicable Pink One: ::beaming:: Thank you! Won't you have a cookie while we wait for my fragile body to waste away?

Loser city-girl college-drop out: ...You make that prospect sound strangely appealing.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: So, uh, nice weather we're having, huh?

Inexplicable Pink Two: It's so beautiful. But it would be even better if people stopped judging me for my candy-floss looks and I learned what feminism really was!

Loser city-girl college-drop out: ... ... ... ... oh. Er. I... I guess you're not that familiar with feminism in the twenty-first century? Not... that that's...necessarily... a bad... thing... as long as you... don't feel oppressed... though you apparently do... Gosh, you're awfully pretty!

Inexplicable Pink Two: Oh, thank you? Aren't I just the cutest? Doesn't my innocent fragility, striking beauty and loving family make you feel like the crud wiped off your boots at night?

Loser city-girl college-drop out: ...When you put it that way, the comparison really is striking.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: So, uh, nice weather we're having, huh?

Some guy that never left the eighties: My life sucks! My sister's too independent! My hair isn't teased enough for heavy metal! I have no idea what feminism is! And because your hair is so damn shiny, I'm giving you a chicken right now!

Loser city-girl college-drop out: : ... ... ... ... oh-kay, that's actually really goddamn awesome of you, honestly.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: So, uh, nice weather we're having, huh?

Old-horse-but-really-old-cow-and-sheep-guy: Have a chocolate.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: : ... ... ... ... oh my god, not everyone in this town's like someone out of a David Lynch mini-series!

Loser city-girl college-drop out: So, uh, nice weather we're having, huh?

Harry Potter: You're so pretty. And your hair is so shiny.

Loser city-girl college-drop out: : ... ... ... ... oh, seriously, I couldn't get you, instead of that goddamn puppy? I swear to god, I think I'm about three seconds away from leaping at you and eating those goddamn puffy cheeks.

Admittedly, I might have exaggerated some of the conversations I had so far. But still, the jist of it's there. And this, by the way, is roughly only a tenth of the town. I've already run into Lumberjack Tranny, Who Killed Virgina Woolf, Desperately Seeking Feminism, I Love the Eighties, and the coolest grandpa-and-grandkid combo of all time.

Can you blame me if I'm starting to feel an impending sense of doom about what's going to come at me tomorrow, when I'm officially heading into town now that I'm wrangled the Lawn o' Doom and need some seeds to sprout?

Honestly, at this point, I'm just hoping all the guys in this town don't look like they're secretly wearing ladies' underwear, adult diapers or a lock of Bret Michael's hair around their neck as secret homage. But I've got to say, based on what I've seen, I'm not really all that hopeful now.

In more throughly exciting, farm-related news, I spent the whole day not goggling at my neighbors' bad taste (head-bands and over-alls and fluorescent hair dye, oh my!) foraging in the woods. Apparently, there's thankfully a few decent things growing out there besides Tranny Lumberjacks that keep warning me about Big-foot. There's a couple of mushrooms, some flowers, and a few herbs that are supposed to be good for my health. The flowers I don't care about, since I'm not into chicks or dicks that are covered in ladies undergarments, but the rest of the stuff I found is awesome. Of course, it also pretty much means that once the charity of strangers wears off, I'll be eating herb-and-mushroom salads day, noon and night for the rest of the month... but hell, it's better than starving. And what I don't eat, I can ship to try and make a little extra money on the side. Things could, theoretically, be worse.

And after spending about 15 hours of clean-up the last few days, I finally have a few patches of Satan's-Ankle-Gnawer-free earth to worth with. So I'm officially heading deep into townie territory tomorrow to get some seeds to start growing crops in. I also need to look into seeing whether I can upgrade my weak-sauce tools so that they're handy for more than trying to bash the brains of furry little bastards with. If I have to use this ridiculous watering can that takes forever to handle for much longer, I might just snap and start coming after more than just the mayor with a hammer.

Wish me luck, diary! Tomorrow, your farmer girl goes off to see the rest of the town's menagarie.

Author's Note: Please review if you're read this. I'm terrifically proud of the reviews that the first few few chapter received (someone's reading this besides me! wheee!) and I'd be thrilled to get any sort of feedback, positive, negative and/or constructive. I'm the sort of writer that thrives on knowing I have an audience and so, I'd be very grateful for any and all reviews. ;)

Also, I'm sure this is really self-explanatory but the people everyone's favorite cranky farmer girl was talking about are:

1) Gotz (Tranny Lumberjack Dude)

2) Lillia (Inexplicable Pink Part One)

3) Popuri (Inexplicable Pink Part Two)

4) Rick (I Love The 80s)

5) Barley (Old Horse Guy)

6) May (Harry Potter)

Needless to say, this is by far the most fun entry to write for this series. I can't wait to get to writing our farmer girl's reactions to everyone else in the game. Especially the eligible bachelor (or bachelors?) that she's actually attracted to!

And no, farmer girl's real name will never be revealed in the course of the story. Why? Because I want us all to be able to step into her shoes for a bit while reading this series and I think revealing a name for her might get in the way of that. I want her to have a definite character on her own-- and I think we've already seen that she can definitely be a cranky snot!-- but part of the joy of the Harvest Moon series for me has always been how well we've all been able to jump into the shoes of the main character. So Farmer Girl will remain Farmer Girl forever more in this series and you should feel free to call her whatever you want. ;)