Abra, Abracababra, I'm Gonna Reach Out And Grab Ya.
In which Arthur is obnoxious, Merlin has a major man crush, Morgana is frankly just a bit weepy and Gwen is a buxom, Northern, match-making wench. Slash, but only on a technicality.
I disclaim! I own nothing. I am merely a poor student. All I own in the world is my computer, a lack-luster cat and a Brenville toastie maker.
Some bits follow the plot of the series. Other pieces just go off at an aggressive tangent. I think it's obvious which parts the BBC own, and which parts I dream up on buses. And I'm sorry, I start to swear irratically. You're safe for now. I use nice words in this chapter. However, I feel that something that is just so charming and safe usually needs spicing up, or at least me cussing wildly for a bit.
Chapter 1. In which we meet our lovely hero, his saviour, and his future lover, and learn never to trust a Weasley.
To avoid the daft boredom that might come with a parody, where I, your author, repeat the bleeding obvious for about five hundred words, I will throw you in at an appropriate moment, and expect you to swim with it.
And so instead of meeting our young hero as he enters Camelot, we meet him some time afterwards (although still in the same first episode, of course. Already he has seen many strange things. He has saved the life of a man whose catchphrase from yet another BBC comedy still haunts him ; he has seen a creepy Mrs Weasley swear to kill the son of the king (so, yeah, the prince) and he has a'spied a weepy woman from afar.
Unknown to him, the creepy Mrs Weasley has murdered this Welsh bird with voodoo magic.
This doesn't bother Merlin very much though, because he's started having dreams. Weird chanty dreams. But more on them later.
Having inadvertently revealed his magical powers to Gaius twice now, Merlin skips merrily away to explore Camelot. They sky is blue, the streets are clean. Cornwall's gone downhill a bit since the Dark Ages, you know.
However, while rambling around the dank streets of Camelot, Merlin spots a servant being abused and mocked by a gang of thuggish knights, in a rather charming way.
Psht. Even the streets of mythical castles aren't safe from the ABSO kids.
Anyway, these knight kids, they have knives and Merlin, being the kindly defender of the meek that he is, decides to stand up for the poor guy before someone gets hurt.
This whole event starts to unfold beneath the eyes of a mysterious buxom wench, leaning out of a window to shake a carpet.
"Come on, guys, that's enough," Merlin warns, pulling his best serious face. It doesn't work. The leader of these thuggish knights, a rather handsome fellow, sees right through our lovely, if slightly wet, warlock. He also doesn't like being referred to as an "arse."
This charming arsehole challenges Merlin.
"Do your worst!" he laughs. Merlin tries. He really does. It's just that fighting someone who you believe to be far more attractive than you is rather difficult, even to someone with major magical powers.
The charming arsehole gets him in a half nelson. The mysterious buxom wench winces.
"Who do you think you are, the king?" Merlin snaps.
"No, I'm his son," the charming arsehole snarls. "Arthur."
And so the arse has a face and a name and sadly, despite his best efforts to do the right thing, Merlin is thrown into a gaol for the night.
Enter, once again, the chick from Torchwood who is really Mrs Weasley in disguise. It's all very dark in Camelot, for some strange reason. Court ettiquette seems to be a bit odd regarding opera singers. She strides past the weepy woman, who we know now to be Morgana, and her mysterious buxom wench, to that man who may, if my sources are correct, have been on Buffy. He is Uther Pendragon, and he is totally fooled by Mrs Weasley's disguise. This is obviously because there are not enough mirrors or puddles in Camelot. This is quite odd. As I have said, this is meant to be Cornwall…
Once again, Merlin is hearing voices. Having spent the night in a prison cell, he's not in tip top condition, but it's a bit weird, even for a warlock.
Enter the livid Gaius. He races in, all hot and bothered, and starts to lecture Merlin, very loudly, about the importance of keeping his head down.
Two points, now, must ye know about Camelot:
The guards and soldiers, all over the castle, are either completely deaf or incredibly incompetent.
There only seems to be one axe in the entire castle…
Gaius, the kindly soul that he is, has arranged dear Merlin's release. However, he tells us, there is one small price to pay. However, it ain't all bad.
We find Merlin in Camelot's stocks. The good people of Camelot, in their felt costumes, have all turned out to throw rotten food at him. Gaius, who I have suddenly decided will from now on have a slightly odd, slightly perverse sense of humor, thinks the whole things is really quite funny.
Enter our mysterious buxom wench.
At first, Merlin pretends not to notice her. After all, he's a good boy, and you can never tell where oggling strange women in red dresses can get you. Especially when the dress-wearer in question is about to turn out to be a scarlet woman. A proper scarlet woman.
"Alright," she grins, siddling up to him. "I'm Gwen. Gwennie to you." She winks.
"I'm … Merlin." Merlin is a warlock. Extroverted girls scare him.
"I saw what you did with Gregs back there," she tells him, nodding with approval and an upside down smile.
"I was really stupid."
"Nah, mate. You were cool," she tells him modestly. "Shame you didn't win though, but it's good you didn't, otherwise I'd be scraping your remains off the side of the castle. Arthur's a cutie but a total arsehole."
"I could have beaten him," Merlin says, trying to appear cool and worthy in this conversation. Gwen, though, has had much practice with the whole talking-to-scrawny-easily-put-down-nerds thing, and so kindly agrees with him. "What?" says Merlin, sensing her blatant, undisguised disbelief.
"Yeah, no, Arthur'd take you in a fight. He's rough and buff and fights because he thinks it's macho. You strike me as one of these painty-wainty sensitive guys."
"Ah, well, you see," Merlin smiles, "I'm in disguise."
Gwen laughs her unladylike wench laugh.
"Oh, sweetheart, I like you," she says. "I'm totally for your cause of fighting the oppressor, by the way, even if he is mightily hot."
"Well, when the revolution starts, I'll tell them you're with me," Merlin says. Gwen decides, once and for all, that she rather likes this odd nerdy bloke, even if he is covered in tomato seeds.
Over dinner, Merlin gets a little bit of background history as to why being magical is so illegal. Apparently, it disturbs the natural order of things. The newly discovered Revolutionary!Merlin likes this idea. He also discovers that there's actually a dragon living under Camelot. Uther really hasn't got a clue about health and safety, it seems.
Merlin is then sent on a little journey to give the opera singer we know to be the evil Mrs Weasley a drink that, to me, just looks like a smoothie. For no reason at all, he then starts rooting through her things, until he comes across a mysterious notebook, but before he can get inside (his methods of investigation are impeded by Ye Olde Garden Twine), he's interupted by said creepy Mrs Weasley, but runs away. She doesn't suspect a thing; all the more fool her.
Back on the dank streets of Camelot the next day, whilst minding his own business, Merlin is happened upon by Arthur and his ASBO kids. Oh, this doesn't look good.
"I could take you apart with one blow," Arthur boasts.
"I could take you apart with less than that," Merlin tells him. Fighting talk from the warlock! Arthur and his lovely cheekbones don't like that, no, not one bit. For some bizarre reason, Arthur hands him a mace and tells him to fight, warning Merlin that he has been trained to kill since birth.
"And how long have you been training to be a prat?" Merlin asks. Nice comeback there, we think, but he's a fool. You ain't going to beat the blondie, warlock.
And suddenly, for no reason other than Arthur's too much of an obnoxious fool to just back away, the two of them start racing through the markets of Camelot, maces blazing, acting like they're part of some sort of game, not caring at all about the damage they reek. Plums are smashed and baskets violently overturned, but neither lad, it seems, really cares. Merlin does a lot of running away, while Arthur, livid fool that he is, springs over tables in a rather dashing manner, trying to attack this peasant with no respect for the system.
Merlin's winning, he really is, but then he spots Gaius in the crowd looking vaguely disapproving, and allows this to distract him. Not a very good idea, if there's an angry young man laying beneath you on sacks. Sure enough, the dashing Arthur takes him out with a broom.
Now, we see a kind of angsty, angry side of the loveable, if slight creepy Gaius. Until now, we believed him to be a bit like that foppy-haired, middle aged uncle that stays over at Christmas. You know the one. Married to a woman called Penelope. Says "baahh!" occasionally. The one you like to giggle about if you've got the type of parents who think he's a good sport, but a bit odd. Like chocolate pudding.
However, Gaius suddenly lashes out at dear Merlin, accusing him of being a fool. Which, truth be told, he has been but Merlin doesn't see it like that.
"If I haven't got magic, I haven't got anything!" he cried
"If I haven't got you, it means nothing," Gaius wails, breaking into Ye Olde Stereophonics. This doesn't cheer Merlin up though.
"If I can't use magic, I might as well die!"
Instead of putting this all down to a bout of Ye Olde Teenage Hormones, Gaius sighs, gets a pot of water, and trundled up to Merlin's room, when the aforementioned warlock lays on his bed, moping.
"Sit up and take your shirt off," he says.
What ho! Cries the sort of fangirl who rather fancies geeky men with big ears and messy hair.
"You don't know why I was born like this, do you?" the now topless Merlin asks Gaius. "I'm not a monster, am I?" Oh, he looks quite forlorn, what with his lovely skin and really rather lovely shoulders! Luckily, Gaius tells him to snap out of it, but this does nothing to make our delightful warlock feel any better. Neither does the daft flute music playing during this scene.
That doesn't surprise me. I'm not a flute lover.
No offence, flutists of the world.
Now, we jump back to evil Mrs Weasley and tosspot Uther. She makes dark illusions to the fact that Uther has heartlessly beheaded her son, not three days ago, and then declared a public holiday. Can he not sense her evil plans? Is he that oblivious?
Yes, it seems is the answer. Yes indeed.
The voices are calling Merlin again. He creeps away into the night. He is, after all, our clumsy yet plucky hero; who could expect anything else?
Another point about Camelot:
The dungeons, and in fact any place of security in the castle, usually turns out to be appallingly badly protected. Two blind cats and an elderly rooster could probably stage a military coup in Camelot and succeed, looking at the security of the place.
Striding into the dungeons where the doors are, literally, wide open, Merlin follows the mysterious voice and stumbles into a giant cave.
Enter the giggling dragon, who proceeds to speak in nothing but riddles to an incredibly baffled Merlin.
"Who are you? What do you want?"
"I will tell you your destiny Merlin…"
"My first is in pea, but not in canoe…"
"Right…" Speaking with ellipses, it seems, was becoming contagious in this cave.
"There is no right or wrong, Merlin. Only what is and isn't."
Merlin is a patient creature, but speaking to a dragon who point blank refuses to make any sense, in the middle of the night, wasn't making him feel any more confident in his powers.
"It is your destiny to help Arthur," the giggling dragon says.
"Er, no," Merlin tells him. "This Arthur's a twat. He isn't going to help anyone."
"Maybe it is your destiny to change that."
"Hang on, you just said – No wait!"
But it's too late. The giggling dragon flutters his wings and flaps up to the sky, or the top of the cave, which, in itself, is an entirely pointless move, as it is on a chain. A long chain, but a chain none the less, and a dragon, though a mythical beast, can only hover for so long.
Merlin wakes up, being berated by Gaius for being messy, but it's alright because he's back to being chirpy and quite sweet. Gaius then orders him to go pick herbs, one of which, henbane, I could swear is a poison.
Merlin then hurries up to Morgana's room to give her something to sleep. Hopefully not henbane; she might never wake up. Morgana, though not weeping, mistakes Merlin for wenchie Gwen, and proceeds to gossip to him as if he were a her. She then proceeds to get undressed behind a screen. What must Merlin think of the women of Camelot?
She potters on about the dashing prince arsehole – Arthur this and Arthur that. Merlin makes vague noises.
"Gwen?" Morgana asks. "Gwen, where are you?"
Fearing she might be about to come over all teary-eyed, and that this in tern will give his position away, Merlin panics. However, just at that moment, Gwen enters. Through the medium of bizarrely vague hand signals, he manages to relay what he is here for, before dashing away as Gwen grabs a box of Ye Olde Kleenex and hurling it at the king's ward.
Morgana instantly cheers up and starts talking of dresses again.
Deep in the recesses of Camelot's guest chambers, a bumbling and rather vacant servant girl is providing fruit for the evil Mrs Weasley. She's pottering around, making vague noises when she makes the mistake of removing the dust sheet the evil Weasley has put over a mirror to stop her true identity from being revealed!
She kills said servant by, it seems, breathing in.
Shame. She had lovely hair, that girl.
And so to that feast everyone's been talking about! Gaius and Merlin enter, with Gauis looking a bit lost and Merlin looking a bit like a gardener. Our favourite warlock spots arsey Arthur, but Gaius is like 'leave it, he's not worth it' and so he lets him go.
Enter Morgana, in a scrumptious red number and some more Ye Olde Garden Twine tied around her head. Every man in the room is distracted, but as our lovely physician friend reminds Merlin, he's here to work, not to oggle princesses. After all, that's Arthur's job.
"She looks great, doesn't she?" a voice at Merlin's albow squeaks. "I mean, she wanted to stay modest, what with her being a princess and all, but I think I can rightly say I've made Morgana the most gorgeous woman in Camelot."
"Single handedly. I, Gwen, am a genius."
"You didn't just give her a tarty dress and shout at her until she put it on?"
"Sometimes, Merlin," the maid pouts. "I dislike you greatly. She is just born to be queen."
"No!" Merlin exclaims. Gwen looks rather confused.
"Well, I hope so. After all, they are the two best looking creatures in this kingdom. Elxcuding me, but then one can't include oneself in these things-"
"She's going to marry him?"
"Well, I don't know, but I bet she will. She nice, he's an arse. It's the way of the world."
Merlin feels mildly heartbroken, but can't really work out why.
"Would you want to marry him?" he asks.
"Nah, mate. Too easy. I could have him like that if I wanted to, mind, he just isn't my type."
"And what is your type?"
"A tall, dark revolutionary with really nice hands," she says dreamily, setting her jug down on the table and grinning inainly.
"What, like me?"
"Ah, don't be so vain, you tosspot."
It's coming to the time when the evil Mrs Weasley will make her nasty plans happen. With a tap of her cleavage, she strides past the dead body of the rambling maid and into action.
"We have enjoyed twenty years of peace and prosperity," Uther says. Note he's omited that incident the other day with the evil magic bloke and the homicidal mother? "And they have brought me many pleasures, but few have been as good as introducing…"
Because I cannot remember her actual name, the woman evil Mrs Weasley has murdered's name has been replaced by an ellipses.
Said foul temptress takes to the stage and commences her singing.
"Men of Harlech, march to glory, victory is hov'ring o'er ye," she sings. Spotting the fact that lots of people are falling asleep, Merlin sticks his hands over his ears as what is occurring suddenly become clear to him.
"Oh, sweet Jesus!" he hisses. "She's using the power of Welsh against us!"
Sure enough, cobwebs spring out of nowhere and the skies darken as she strides towards Arthur, with rather obvious murderous intentions.
Despite the fact that Arthur's a bit of a prick, Merlin can't let him die. What did the dragon say? Their destinies had something in common, or something like that.
Just as the creepy Weasley reaches the climax of her song, just as she's about to knife lovely Arthur between the eyes, Merlin steps in and makes the chandelier lands on her head.
People begin to rouse, and the royals among them look a bit confused as to how they got covered in cobwebs. Morgana must be mightily baffled; surely, if she's just come out of an enchanted sleep, she must have a handsome prince.
Being crushed by a big metal wheel doesn't stop crazy Weasley woman though. With one last burst of hate, she throws the knife at Arthur's lovely face, and like the stupid git he is, he just stands there.
Merlin to the rescue once again! Using his cool eye, he slows down time, and then, with precision and skill last seen on the Matrix, he leaps out and floors the prince.
And damn, despite his cold exterior, Merlin thinks, he feels good in his arms, even with that stupid jacket.
Evil Mrs Weasley promptly dies on the floor, and Merlin reluctantly relinquishes the rather handsome fellow in his arms.
Uther's very pleased with Merlin for this wonderful selfless act, but then cocks it all up hilariously by giving Merlin a position as Arthur's manservant.
The crowd (of about twenty) bursts into applause. Gaius looks vaguely pleased he won't have Merlin under his feet all day, and Gwen smirks at him and mouths 'get in there.'
Despite all this merriment, we join Merlin later, still looking quite sad over his lack of magical knowledge. However, it's alright, because Gaius come in to cheer him up, and tells him he thinks that the young warlock's magic is cool, and that he will now fully encourage him. To cheer him up even further, Gaius hands him his copy of Ye Olde Spells, to assist Merlin's education.
His face lights up, and even as he's called away to attend Arthur, you couldn't find a happier little warlock in the whole of Camelot.
 One Foot In The Grave FTW.
Will we discover redeaming features in the handsome Arthur's demeaner? Will Merlin find love? And will the dragon start making sense? It'll get sordid. It'll get cheesy. Tune in to the next installment of this wonderful parody to find out.
Or at least get closer to the truth. There are, after all, about thirteen episodes, and anyway, Rome wasn't built in a day.
Do keep reading! Reviewers are given cake (if my caking skills improve).