Again I apologize. This is the first "corny" phic I have ever written. (No, really. swear to God!) Someday I will get my Phantom trilogy of novels printed. All rights reserved to the deserving people. Gaston Leroux and Lord Andy own these characters. I just borrowed them for the time being to give them a good time! This reads rather like a screenplay, so try to follow along. Actions and camera moves are in parentheses..


The Phantom (if you even need to ask . . . . .)

Christine (new diva and phantom's student)

Meg (ballet dancer and Christine's friend)

Joseph Bouquet (stage hand)

Carlotta (Resident diva and fat glutton)

Piangi (resident tenor and Carlotta's lover)

Raoul (stupid Fop and Christine's boyfriend)

Firman and Andre (The managers)


(It is New Year's eve at the Paris Opera and the masquerade party is in full swing, only there is one problem. Someone spiked the punchbowl with Everclear. . . he he he!)

(As we enter the main hall, we notice that people are dancing and having a good old time. The few people who aren't dancing are walking rather funny and the buzz of the crowd is tainted with the smell of alcohol and the sound of slurred speech.)

Joseph B.: "C'mon ladies, I know you can kick your legs higher in the air than that!" (speaking to the ballet rats)

Meg: That's it girls, higher, higher! Kick up your thighs and show your knickers to the passing gentlemen. It's high-class entertainment tonight!" (squeals of laughter echo through the halls from the young girls)

(We scan through the crowd and spot Raoul, the Vicompte de Chagny. He is forcing more punch on his finace Christine Daae.)

Raoul: Awww, c'mon, Christine! Drink up! It's new years and this is the best punch I've ever tasted!

Christine: Raoul, I'm getting dizzy, are you sure this stuff isn't loaded?

Raoul: Why on earth would anyone spike the punch? (Mockingly) Maybe the Opera Ghost did it!"

Christine: No, it couldn't be him! Why would he want to see the entire opera house drunk? (Takes a little sip)

(Raoul helps her glass tip further until it is totally drained of the red punch.

Christine gets a dizzy look in her eyes and her head starts to drop to the side as though it were to heavy for her neck, a few drops dribbling down her chin.)

Christine: Raoul, I don't feel show good aineeemore. (Slurring worse now)

Raoul: (filling her glass once again, and his as well, not bothering to ladle it in, just dunking the cups) Drink up, we have every speck of dust to toast to and every idiot patron as well!

(Continue further into the opera. We see Carlotta sitting on the steps, stuffing her face with sweets and guzzling a bottle of champagne. Piangi is coming up beside her.)

Piangi: Carlotta, my dear. Don't be such a glutton and a drunk! I thought you said you wouldn't be drinking at this party!

Carlotta: Shut up you twit! I'll drink whatnerver I wunt!

Piangi: (takes the bottle from her hand and hands her a glass of punch) Drink this instead for me, alright?

(She glares at him momentarily, then stuffs another chocolate into her mouth and chugs the glass of punch, spilling it down her front onto the steps. She wipes her mouth noisily with the back of her hand and hands the glass back to Piangi saying More! He wanders off to fetch her more punch, grimacing at the melted chocolate on the glass from her dirty hands.)

(We continue to the managers office. Firman and Andre and sitting around with several collegues and Madame Giry. They are playing poker. Smoke billows from the room as the door opens.)

Firman: I say your cheating!

Andre: Why would anyone cheat against a cheat like you? That's hardly fair!

Mme. Giry: (mumbles through the cigar she is smoking) G'ntlemen! I don't see why you're arguning! I'm going to win this game of ponker! (She is drunk and her head is almost hitting the table as she squints to see her cards. Half of them face the others at the table.)

Firman: Madamng Giry, I say you call your bet before I fire you!

Mme. Giry: Whatt do youn mean? You arealdy did you buffoon!

Andre: We did?

Firman: Oh yeah.

(They bust up in laughter, snickering through their noses.)

Mme. Giry: Well I'm gonna lose. I can't see my hand. Giggles Or feel it.

Firman: I say, we quit this lousy game and play somenthing elsh!"

Andre: I agree. How about strip poker.

Mme. Giry: (starts to unbutton her blouse) I'll be the firssht to loose.

(Before things get ugly, we leave and exit to the main hall again.)

(We see that Meg has stripped down to her unmentionables and has proceded to drape her costume around the neck of a passing by stagehand.)

Meg: C'mon love. Lets go to my dressing room for a bit o' fun. Whadaya say?

(He stumbles after her, but not before grabbing her bum and making her shriek!)

(Somebody screams and we look to see the phantom dressed in a red skeleton costume at the top of the stairs. He is swinging his cloak around in the air and holding a bottle of wine in the other.)

Phantom: Hazzaahhhhh! Look at meeeee! I'm the Red death! (Takes another large swig from the bottle and belches loudly) I'm going to keeeel you all with a chandaleeerrr!

(He tried to run down the steps but trips and rolls to the bottom of the steps in a heap at Christine's feet.)

Christine: (giggling and trying to help him up) Good to sheee you heer. (She falls on him as he tries to get to his feet. She suddenly looks at him with a crazy look in her eyes and says) Lets go! Your plashe or mine?

Phantom: What about your boyfriend? (Drinks more and christine looks around.)

(She sees Raoul lying on the steps, bloated and about to barf. He is moaning for directions to the nearest latrine.)

Christine: He womn't mined!

(They stumble off together towards her dressing room and pass the crew of ballet girls who are dancing in their skivvies on the railing. Several are in the corners with men. One of them runs by the Phantom and grabs his butt but Christine punches her lights out and yells) You slut! He's mine tonight!

(She grabs his hand and drags him faster!)

(We flash back to Carlotta who is wobbling her way to the punch bowl)

Carlotta: Darn theesh tiny glassesh! They don't hold inuff punsh! (She proceded to dunk her entire head into the bowl to join the other few patrons who are lapping at it like dogs. Through the crystal glass bowl, she sees Raoul lying on the steps. She raises her red-stained face and stumbles over to him.) Hiya schweetheart! Wanna chocolate?

Raoul: Ugggggghhhhh ( procedes to throw up into a paper sack.)

Carlotta: Eewwwwww Gross! (She crawls up the stairs to where Piangi is lying drunk after only a sip of the punch.) Piangi! Wake up you louse! Thish is just like you! You go off and get drunk and try to leeve me! (She kicks him and goes back to Raoul where she starts to drag him away by his collar.) This will teach him to leave me!

(As we see Raoul being drug off down the hall, not even consciously aware of his attacker, we go back to the managers office. There we see Firman, Andre, and Mme. Giry stripped down to their undies, game forgotten, pouring out their troubles into a brown-bagged bottle of double malt scotch, which they pass between them.)

Mme. Giry: (takes a large swig) You think yoove got probeblems witsh the opera ghosht? Let me tell you about problmesh!

Andre: Oh come off if woman! WE have been haraasssed sinsh the moment we arrived at this opera housh. What do you know about ghoshts anywaysh? (Steals the bottle from her hands.)

Firman: Oh shut up the both of you! I'm shick and tired of your whining! I should fire you both!

Mme. Giry: You already did you idiot!

Andre: (slaps her across the face) Not me he didn't! And if he ever did I'd .. . I'd. . uhhhh. .. . what were we talking about?

(The three giggle uncontrollably. We shift to go to Christine's dressing room. There we find the Phantom, far worse for the drink, tied to the bed. Christine enters the room from behind the boudoir. She is dressed in black leather and brandishing a long whip.)

Christine: Ready for your torturesh? (Devilish grin and cracks the whip making the Phantom jump.)

Phantom: No! No! I want my mommy! (Starts to claw frantically at the bonds used to tie him to the bedposts.)

Christine: Mommy? I'm your mommy now! You need a spanking! (Strips him of his clothing except for his mask and cloak. )

(He screams and breaks free, running down the halls stark naked! Stage hands and patrons get out of his way, laughing and waving hello to him as he runs past, Christine chasing after him with the whip! They run past the room where Meg scampered off too. She is undressing the rest of the way with her lover sitting on the edge of the bed. 'The Crying Game' is playing in the back ground. We only hear screams coming from the bedroom as we continue down the hall. (Hee hee hee))

(Carlotta has Raoul in her room. He is passed out on the bed, moaning unconciously. She is sporting a teddy that is about 10 sizes too small for her massive body.)

Carlotta: Come to Mama baby! (She is about to pounce on the unsuspecting Raoul when he opens his eyes and Screams a blood curdling scream at what he sees running towards him. Instantly sober, he jumps off the bed and tries to claw his way through the lock on the door. She continues to advance, beckoning him with little kissy faces and licking her lips seductively. She corners him and in his panic, he freezes and cannot move. She grabs his arm and pulls him close. Raoul goes white and starts to try and bite his arm off.)

(A loud pounding ensues from the door. Piangi breaks it down and see Raoul with Carlotta. He rushes across the room and punches his lights out. )

Piangi: Did he hurt you my darling?

Carlotta: (looking very smug about the situation, thinking that her jealousy plan worked perfectl)y Oh! I was so afraid! My lover! (Starts to kiss him and he shuts the door.)

(Meanwhile, the Phantom is hiding behind a potted plant, wrapped in his cloak. A passing gentleman who is halfway sober sees him and asks if everything is alright.)

Phantom: You didn't see a crazy woman dressed in leather brandishing a whip did you?

(Nope, he replies and the Phantom creeps out of his hiding place and looks cautiously down the hall. Breathes a sigh of relief and makes his way to the cellars where he thinks he will be safe.)

(Several hours later the sun rises and everyone wakes up, only half remembering all that happened. Some are wishing they hadn't been born, all have an enormous hangover.)