Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.
There was a certain amount of silence gracing the normally rowdy boys' dormitory with a healthy dash of awkward tension and stifled giggles.
Sprawled against the headboards and the wrinkled sheets, Peter, James, and Lily all whispered like three discreet detectives afraid to be busted. Seated comfortably on James' lap, Lily laughed into her palm. James rubbed at his temple furiously.
"It has got to be Sirius, Peter." He muttered, clearly agitated by the argument he and his two friends were in the midst of discussing.
"No way!" Peter whispered back, a smile on his face as he shook his head.
"It's Sirius!" James stressed impatiently.
Lily furled her arm around James' neck and giggled into his shoulder bone to muffle her laughter. "That makes no sense, James," she said, "It's got to be Remus."
"Wha?!" James asked, dumbfounded, "You won't side with your boyfriend?!"
"I can have my own thoughts, James." Lily told him right before giving a very confident high five to smug Peter.
"Ha! Lily's always right." Peter said haughtily, nodding as if the matter was solved.
"She's not always right." James muttered with gritted teeth as he crossed his arms and pouted similar to the way a child might disagree with their parent.
Tucked in the darkness of the shadowy staircase, Sirius and Remus sat quietly on one of the steps. Pushing a thumbnail onto his front teeth and onto his lower lip, Sirius let a slow smile pull on his mouth. He nudged Remus' elbow with his foot lightly.
"What do you think they're talking about?" he asked him quietly, cocking his head towards the slightly ajar door. A sliver of light fell through the door crack and gave just enough illumination for the two teenager's faces not to be eclipsed by the shadows.
"Don't even wanna know." Remus replied as he ran a hand through his hair, grinning back.
"I think it's who's the biggest loser," Sirius leaned closer, taunting the werewolf with a smile, "And I think you're winning." He poked him playfully.
"Jerk." Remus hissed, swatting away his prodding finger.
"Don't try to deny the inevitable." The black-haired boy teased.
"It's Sirius." James repeated firmly, "It's Sirius. I know Sirius better than you two know Remus."
Peter frowned indignantly at James, "Remus and I are good friends."
"Oh, don't be hurt," The bespectacled boy spat, "You all know I'm right, you're just being childish 'cause none of you want to admit that you're wrong."
Both Lily and Peter tutted incredulously, the red-haired girl even reaching to the measures of swatting James over the head and mussing up his hair.
"Remus is a werewolf," Peter pointed out, finally providing substantial evidence to back up his theory. Lily nodded along in full agreement.
"Racist." James hissed with a scowl.
"C'mon, James! I know he's small, but I bet he can throw a better punch than all of us combined. Just imagine him in–"
James promptly pushed his palm onto Peter's face to muffle his words, "Enough proof. Sirius plays quidditch. He's way stronger than Remus."
"So?" Lily said, "you play quidditch, and I definitely wouldn't call those muscles." She fingered his biceps with a disappointed frown. James pursed his lips together like an agitated grandmother watching her grandchildren paint with flamingly neon crayons on the fridge door.
"Both of you," he gritted out, "when I want your opinion, I will give it to you."
"Oh, that's mature."
Sirius twirled a loose thread on the hem of his shirt around his thumb as he stared unwaveringly at the door. At random intervals, he snickered quietly into the dead air and stared at Remus for a response.
"Don't look at me like that," Remus sniped into the silence, "I don't know what they're talking about."
Sirius shrugged, "So Moony," he proposed, furling his sleeve up his shoulder and flexing his muscles with a flirtatious wink, "Think I got these bad boys from quidditch?"
The tawny-haired boy stared at his wouldn't-call-them-flabby-but-definitely-not-ready-for-twenty-consecutive-push-ups arms and attempted to contract his flesh. Fruitlessly, he sighed at his arm when all it did was wiggle like a dying caterpillar. He poked it.
"Wow. Think I felt straight through to the bone."
Sirius patted his knee consolingly, "Don't worry. When puberty hits those babies will harden up eventually."
"Don't you think Sirius is a little bit too lazy for that? It's Remus."
"Sirius isn't lazy!" James retaliated firmly, slamming his fist into the cushiony pillow.
"Yeah. He gets up at noon. And noon is totally the break of dawn, except well, wait a minute, oh right it's not!" Lily shot back, heatedly brushing a stand of crimson hair behind her ear with a swift roll of the eyes.
James got uncharacteristically quiet and stared ahead, probably thinking of a clever enough retort before he spoke up with a not-so-witty comment. He sneered.
"In three seconds you will both be having conversations with yourselves." He told them crossly, satisfied with his solution.
"Wow. This is sad. This level of denial just means that you've–" Lily started.
James waved two flailing hands in front of Lily's face to gain her attention and stop her rambling mouth, "Three seconds are up! You are now having a conversation with yourself!"
Lily glowered, "When people have conversations with themselves, other people don't normally feel the need to interrupt them."
Peter broke through their glares to bring up another reason.
"It's just gotta be Remus! You didn't hear this from me, all right, but he has a temperrrr… I asked to copy his notes a week ago and he practically ripped my throat apart."
Remus gaped incredulously at the door, cantankerously mouthing words to Sirius that resembled I don't have a temper! Do I have a temper?!
Sirius shrugged, "I'm not gonna call the kettle black."
Remus huffed, burrowing into the wall and pressing his ear further toward the crack of space the door created. "Someone will sneeze in Peter's pudding tomorrow, I can guarantee you that, Padfoot."
Sirius quietly leant near Remus, "Ooh, who?" he asked obliviously, a wide beam splitting apart his mouth one stitch of skin at a time.
"That guy has gotten more ass than a toilet seat and I've walked in on him plenty of times with girls… I've seen it. Sirius is much more assertive. Why do you think all of those birds ever even got into bed with him?" James pointed out.
"Are you implying he forced them to?" Lily asked her boyfriend in disbelief.
James held up his hands defensively, "Hey! I'm not implying anything. It's your mind that's heading straight for the gutter!"
"Well, I thought you might be lonely done there." Lily spat back, shoving James' shoulder teasingly.
"But Remus is like … the secret slayer."
"That sounds really gay, Peter. Want us to leave the room so you can fantasize about Remus? Honestly. The secret slayer… that sounds like a porno."
"Shut up, Prongs! No one really knows how powerful he is just because he doesn't like to flaunt it about! But quiet power is really the stronger type!"
"What the hell? The fact that he doesn't show he's powerful means he's more powerful. Makes a lot of sense, Wormtail." The dark-haired boy said cheekily.
"Someone's been reading Sherlock Holmes," Peter said darkly, "finding loopholes in everything…" Peter mocked his analogy by swimming a finger through a hole in his fist.
"Okay, both of you children, shut up. This argument has gone on long enough."
"Back me up here, Lily! I'm right, aren't I?" James clung to Lily's arm pleadingly like a puppy staring at a butcher's countertop.
"No, I'm right." Peter stressed insistently.
Lily rubbed at her temples.
"Peter, Peter, you agree with me, don't you? I'll put extra thought into your gift for Christmas if you tell me I'm right!" James turned to the blonde boy, a little desperately.
"I think Lily's right," Peter said, a little miffed, "this conversation is turning icky."
"You never gave a damn before! C'mon, Peter, you're a marauder!"
"Yeah, I didn't sign up for that, you know." Peter mumbled to James, rubbing at the back of his head awkwardly.
"Okay, we didn't audition for it." James pointed out firmly.
"James is getting angry. His nostrils are flaring… if he leans back, I swear, I can see his brain." Sirius whispered in awe, squinted eyes pressed against the key lock on the dormitory door. His hands were planted like glue had put them on the wood of the entrance. Remus ducked his head to avoid an elbow in the nose as he peered discreetly into the room.
"I hope whatever they're talking about, it's just a hypothetical situation." Remus murmured to Sirius' kneecap.
"I don't even know what hypothetical means." Sirius brushed off. Remus rolled his eyes.
"What are you, eight? Don't you ever read?"
"Sorry," Sirius retorted, "next time I'll be in the library I'll grab a thesaurus and read all day."
Remus stared up at him with a slight smile, "I'll take you up on that, you know."
"Okay, this is enough!" Lily's strong voice of reason finally broke over the battle of James' and Peter's hushed shouts as they fought for their claim on the logic of the matter.
"I'm right. We all know that." James kicked his feet meekly on the pillow to drive his theory into the room. He growled onto the sheets out of sheer frustration as the two others in the room stared at him clearly unconvinced.
"It's two to one, Potter. Give it up." Peter said triumphantly.
"This isn't a majority vote, Pettigrew."
"Yes it is!"
"Hey!" James hissed, "I started the conversation, I make the rules!"
Lily grabbed both of them by a tuft of hair and dragging them up into sitting positions. "Honestly. This conversation is pointless. No one's right because Remus and Sirius are not lovers!"
"Remus is the one who tops!" Peter had to shout one last time firmly. James frowned and snatched up his pillow to deliver a feathery blow to his head. Peter cried out indignantly.
"They're not together! Stop bickering like two kids in the second grade who don't know how to deal with their crushes!" Lily spoke, a frightening resemblance to McGonagall admonishing troublemakers tainting her voice.
"I wouldn't be so sure." James said grumpily to end the conversation with him having the last word. Lily sighed heavily at her boyfriend. Peter remained silent and dug his form onto the pillow James had tossed at his face.
The door to the dormitory finally creaked open all the way to Remus and Sirius making their entrance. Remus was sighing like a disapproving father after reading his son's grade card and rubbing at his head while Sirius was crossing his arms. However the black-haired boy couldn't keep a smile off of his face, unlike Remus, who was flushing deeper than a freshly picked cherry.
"You guys are such perverts." Sirius accused, shaking his head with an unstoppable grin.
"Busted." James mumbled quietly to the other two students sitting frozen on the bed sheets.
"Oh no," Peter ran a sweaty hand through his hair, "Oh boy, are you going to kill me?"
"I wasn't part of this conversation." Lily piped up.
"Tell those two that I'm right!" James finally commanded, regaining his composure and furiously demanding an answer.
"You're all wrong, you ridiculous idgets!" Remus finally lifted his head up from his hands, "Seriously. Didn't it ever occur to you that we take turns?"
AN: First person to review is welcome to request a Remus/Sirius (or look up one of my other ships on my bio, go ahead and request one of those too) oneshot from me :D So go on! Hurry! What are you waiting for? Review already, they're not going to write themselves!
Hope you all are having a good week!
Lots of love,