This is something I wrote quite awhile ago…I know (as I always say) it's not very funny…(pessimistic?!) so if you can look past that aspect, perhaps you can enjoy it. ^_^ My tone is very sarcastic when I write humor. x_X
Ryuuk's Apple Pie
One day, one strange day, the supposed-to-be-scary shinigami Ryuuk, sat atop Light's bed; watching television. Yes, apparently even shinigami, or rather this particular shinigami, watches television. His clawed, sharp, hands were resting under his thick jaw, whilst his legs projected into the air, carelessly waving them back and forth. An empathic grin smudged across his gray face as his yellow-red eyeballs bulged out and were intently fixated on the television's screen. And then, suddenly, that smudge grin resorted into a wide one shocked with astonishment. Right there and then, in that split second, a brilliant (if not ingenious) idea made it's way into the shinigami's small mind. He leapt up from the bed in a flash, hitting his large head on the rough ceiling in the process; in regard to his tall monstrous height. But he didn't care, as he was so very mesmerized by his bright idea. He sped out of Light's room thriftily, stumbled down the staircase heading downward, and burst into the kitchen like an excited child who is ready to eat his dinner. Light, who, was currently in the tiled kitchen at the time, noticed the shinigami as he came floundering obnoxiously into the room. A vein indicating compulsive irritation formed itself onto the ace student's forehead.
"What is it, Ryuuk?" He asked, trying to sound calm, despite his irritation.
"Light! Light! Light!" The shinigami hopped up and down most enthusiastically. His face obscured with seriousness, which frightened Light even more.
"I just saw something on T.V!!!" Ryuuk exclaimed.
"C-Calm down…" Light took a few nervous steps back from the vivaciously enthralled creature.
"I saw an apple…pie!"
"Huh…?" A blank expression took hold of Light's always-serious face.
"Yeah! On T.V., they were makin' somethin' called an 'apple pie'!"
"Ryuuk…you've never heard of an apple pie before?"
Ryuuk shook his head.
Light sighed. "Well, it's—" He started explaining to the dumbfounded shinigami until he was incredulously interrupted.
"Let's make one!" Insisted Ryuuk happily, his ugly eyes glistening with a beaming invisible light.
"Yeah! No one's home right now, right?"
"That is true…" Light put his hand under his chin as if conjuring up a salutation for a complicated case. "Dad's at work…Mom and Sayu said they've gone shopping for the whole day…"
"Then it's settled!" Ryuuk pounded his first onto the wide-open palm of his other ruddy hand, proffering a mundane idea.
"All right." Light swiftly turned around. "But I'm not helping you."
"W-What…?" The shinigami sniveled as his jaw dropped down to the floor at Light's cold reaction.
"Here." Light picked up a book that was sitting on the table next to him as he threw it behind his back, intending for Ryuuk to catch it delicately. But, he did not catch it despite Light's obvious intention as it flopped onto the ground next to Ryuuk's horrendous feet.
"That's a cook book."
Ryuuk nimbly picked it up from the spotless floor as he started skimming through the pages with a visage of amazed interest.
"Find the recipe for 'Apple pie' in there and just do what it says."
Ryuuk's eyes darted up back to Light, but then resumed it's position of reading the book.
"That's all. Now, don't bother me."
His footsteps left sound of leaving the kitchen and a confused Ryuuk, as the footsteps now gradually died away; descending up the lofty staircase. Ryuuk stood there. In the middle of the kitchen on that tiled yellow floor. Stricken with sheer oblivion of what to do. The shinigami's reading skills were not exactly what you'd call "perfect", but he still despitefully could read somewhat.
"Okay…apple…pie…" He mumbled to himself as his long, bony fingers flipped the pages. "Ah! Here it is!" The picture of a well-cooked homemade apple pie appeared before Ryuuk's scanning eyes. His mouth watered in ecstasy just from seeing a picture of it. His eyes moved further down the page as the ingredients and directions vividly announced themselves before him. He pointed one fingernail at the very first line of directions.
If one happened to walk into the kitchen at that time by coincidence, they would have abruptly seen the scene of a shinigami staring at open book with such intense concentration marring his ugly face expression. Ryuuk was lost, as those words and sentences swirled before his overly concentrated eyes, mocking him, it seemed, with their sophisticated difficultly. Difficult to the poor dumbstruck shinigami, anyway.
"Light!!!" A voice rang throughout the house in resounding echoes of desperation.
It was, of course, none other than slow-witted Ryuuk.
"Damn it, what now?" Light grumbled to himself in annoyance as he re-descended down the staircase with his hands in his pockets; his eyes closed in frustration. He strode into the kitchen only to find the shinigami standing in the same exact position of where he left him a mere three minutes ago.
"What?!" Growled the irritated Light.
"I don't understand this." Ryuuk answered, still pointing with one long fingernail at the opened page of the recipe.
"Let me see it!" Light grabbed the book from the shinigami aggressively as he read aloud the first line,
"'Pre-heat oven to 450 degrees.'"
"OH. I don't know what preheat—"
The sound of something clicking on resounded through the room.
"There." Light said as he stood by the oven with his hand on the knob. "It should be preheated by the time you mix all of the ingredients together."
"Thanks a bunch, Light!" Ryuuk called after him as he strode out of the room once again. The shinigami looked back at the book once more with yet another intense gaze. A sweat drop ran down the side of his cartilage face in nervous anticipation.
Without even having gone up the stairs yet, Light heard the voice of Ryuuk shout out his name again. Another vein imposed upon his forehead as he clenched his fists and stomped back to the kitchen in a tempest rage.
"What, Ryuuk?! What?!" He yelled hotly. A face resembling that of a frightened one placed itself on Ryuuk's face.
"Uhhh…" He looked back down at the book.
"Sheesh! Can't you do anything by yourself?!" Light grabbed the book once again in an angry gesture as he read out loud, yet again…
"'Cut five apples into quarter slices.'"
His feet stomped in a rage still as he threw open the cabinet, opened the drawer, and set a bag of bright red marvelous apples and a knife in front of the shinigami with a slam.
He left the room once again…but…it was futile.
Four minutes later.
Three minutes later.
Two minutes later.
That did it as this prodigious charade toiled on and on, at the beckon of the naïve Ryuuk, Light lost it.
"Hell with it! I'm calling Misa!"
He jammed his hand into his pocket with a fist of steel, producing a cell phone. He began to angrily tap on the buttons of the phone with an aggravated expression obscuring his face, his eyebrows knitting together in a scowled glare. Ryuuk stood there, dumbfounded, like always; the book still openly lying between the palms of his unruly hands.
"Misa? Yeah, yeah. Okay…yeah…yes! I need you to…yes…fine…okay! I'll go on a date with you then…yeah…mm…just please get over here now!"
The phone beeped again as Light thrust it back into his pocket.
"Misa will help you. So quit bothering me, damn it!"
He began to take a few heavy steps towards the exit of the kitchen as Ryuuk cautiously called after him,
The enraged ace student flared around in an instant, his eyes burning red with seemingly murderous intent.
"N-N-Never mind!" Ryuuk stammered, shrinking back before this deranged maniac. Light stomped out of the room fiercely as the atmosphere lessened to that of a more subtle calmness now.
Ryuuk sighed. A sigh of utmost relief.
"T-That guy is scarier than any shinigami I've ever known…" He shuddered.
Gullibility must have taken over poor misfortuned Light when he decided to call Misa…for that, contrived nothing useful in the end of Ryuuk's apple pie conflict.
It was only a mere five minutes after Misa's infallible encounter to aid Ryuuk with his apple pie, when Light heard loud clanking and banging coming from downstairs. He shrugged it off with low suspicion of anything serious that might be occurring. However, the thought was chastised as following the noise came the high-pitched shouting of Misa's voice,
"You are hopeless! I'm leaving! It'd be impossible to even make a sandwich with you!"
The sound of feet trampling the ground in defiant tremors caught Light's attentive hearing as the slamming of a door being shut loudly followed hereafter. Light sighed. He reluctantly plodded down the staircase for the millionth time today as he saw a stricken Ryuuk standing in the middle of the kitchen. The appearance of the room flooded into Light's eyes of pots and pans and apples with other condiments. They grated the room with their stains as the kitchen was now unrecognizable. Ryuuk's hunched shoulders and bristly shinigami hair sat atop of large body that drooped lowly.
"I-Is he…depressed…?" Light wondered to himself bewildered, taking a few careful steps into the dismayed resonated aura of the room.
Feeling some very, very little pity for the poor creature, Light patted his rough shoulder so as to comfort.
"I guess you're just not cut out to make apple pies."
Ryuuk sniffed. All he ever wanted to accomplish in life was the simple, not at all difficult, task of making an apple pie.
But the only thing that Light got out of the whole messy controversy was the sonorous question pounding in his head over and over again: Do shinigami even cry?