Author's Note: The challenge was issued: "Can Jenna stop being dark and twisty long enough to write one funny story?" And whether or not I succeeded is up to you my faithful reviewers. Plese keep in mind, it's supposed to be stupid, AU, OOC, and totally nonsensical, so please don't flame me telling me this is the worst story you ever read. If you don't like it, that's one thing. But flat out telling me I suck won't help. Finally, major thanks goes out to once again, Permanent Rose and Team Graecisso. I am nothing without them.
I'll shut up now and let you read.
To be perfectly frank, Vladimir Von Puck was bored out of his mind. When you live for four centuries, you run out of things to do. He stepped off the plane, onto the tarmac of Port Angeles, and pushed the rain off his glasses. He could always find a laugh in messing with humans, and his "gift" for creating illusions was helpful in situations like these. He looked around the parking lot for something that would pass as a vehicle. A girl, with wildly curly hair stood near an old white Mercury. Sadly, Vlad thought, it looked like the fastest car in the lot. He strolled over to her, and introduced himself.
The girl looked at him like he had three heads, and he felt the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. Vlad closed his eyes and clicked his heels together three times. Then, she spoke.
"I'm Jessica. And this is your car, isn't it?" her voice was monotone; he nodded in agreement as she handed him her keys. Saying nothing more, he slid into the driver's seat.
Now that he had a ride, Vlad wasn't really sure where he intended to go. He drove aimlessly around the small town for a while, looking for something that could intrigue him. From the corner of his eye, he caught sight of a shiny silver Volvo speeding through a red light, heading down an alley. He chose to follow it, figuring at least he could trade up to a better car.
When the silver speed machine came careening to a halt, the passenger door was kicked open. Vlad's supersonic hearing allowed him to know what was being said.
"Get in" a low voice demanded, and a pretty brunette girl scrambled inside. His supersonic hearing allowed him to know what was being said. It occurred to Vlad then, that only one person in the car had a beating heart. It had been quite some time since he'd come across another like himself, and he was more confused by the fact that the human girl seemed to be friends with this vampire.
At that moment, this boy became his object of fixation. He was going to shadow him, and hope that something in his life would yield amusement. And if it didn't, he thought with a shrug, he'd simply create it.
Upon crossing into the threshold of Forks, Washington, Vlad instantly picked up the sweet smell of a large coven of vampires. He followed the smell to a path off the highway, to a large white manor.
A handsome blonde male was exiting his Mercedes Benz, a medical bag clutched in his hands. A woman, with light brown hair, and soft rounded features rushed out to greet him. Vlad watched as they embraced. He felt a wave of jealousy rip through him. And as had happened to him in the past, his conscience manifested itself on his shoulders. She took the form of a blonde child, with hair that fell in ringlet curls past her knees. She wore a robe of blood red, and the tiny horns were masked by her immense hair.
He called her Nessie.
"You're here. That's not good."
The child smiled, baring her teeth. "You were going to mess with them because you want a woman for yourself."
"Nuh-uh. I was going to do it because I was bored." Vlad pouted.
Nessie pursed her lips, then they curved into a small smile. "Okay, well I suppose that's acceptable."
And as quickly as she'd appeared, she'd vanished. Vlad scrambled into a tree where he could get an un-obscured view of the whole yard without anyone seeing him.
He clicked his heels, and instantly, the blonde broke the embrace he held with his wife.
"Esme, wash my car." Carlisle demanded.
She stared up at him, pale-faced with sad eyes, and did as he asked. Carlisle sat in a chair on the front porch and watched her work. The pixie-like vampire bounded out of the house, energy seeping from her pores.
"Carlisle, I need a million dollars to shop with." She bounced as she spoke, and was practically yelling.
"NO" Carlisle bellowed. "HOW DARE YOU ASK GOD FOR MONEY?"
"OMC, dad, really its like, no big deal."
"Alice, I said no." He smiled viciously "But you may go ask Esme to do anything you want."
"Alright" and she ran over to her mother. "Stop washing the car. You're going to play dress up with me."
"Yes madam" she whispered and did as she was asked, putting on the black leather outfit Alice handed her. "Now go organize my closet."
As Esme wandered into the house, Jasper morosely walked out of it.
"Hi, Jazzy!" Alice shouted.
"'lo" he replied glumly.
"Oh, this stupid rain cloud." He sighed. "It won't go away."
And sure enough, when Alice looked up, there was a rain cloud centered directly above Jasper's head.
"Maybe shopping will make it go away?"
"No. It's just all my fault."
Carlisle, who had been listening to their whole conversation, stood then, and ran towards them, knocking over whatever was in his path. "Jasper! I say it's not your fault."
"omc, dude, it is, so shut up." And he stalked away.
After dropping Bella off, Edward turned his car quickly, and spun towards home. He was quietly contemplating his newfound love for Bella when he turned into his driveway. He had full intentions of heading up to his piano, and working on the new composition that had been racing through his head. Vlad clicked his heels. Suddenly, he was overcome with an undeniable urge to head into the woods where he knew Emmett was hunting.
So he darted deep into the forest beyond their home, the sound of Emmett's booming laughter drawing him further into the abyss. He ran fast, rain dripped lightly through the trees, sporadically landing like dewdrops on his forearms.
"Yo! Eddie! What's good, homes?"
Edward was a little stunned at being addressed in such an informal fashion, it was very unlike anyone he knew to speak like that. But in this moment, he was too wrapped up in the beauty of Emmett's curls to care about anything else. Finding his voice, he spoke softly to his brother.
"Not too much. You know, I never really noticed how beautiful your hair is."
Emmett didn't even flinch; he simply took a step closer to Edward, taking his face between his massive palms. "What do you say you and I ditch Rosalie and your new human girl and go camping this weekend?"
"A camping trip with, you, mi amore?" Edward was incredulous. He couldn't understand why Emmett could love someone like him. But he would take it in stride. "That sounds like it could possibly be one of the best weekends of my life."
"Let's get back to the house, and tell everyone."
Emmett laughed maniacally. "I can't wait to break Rosalie's heart."
And without further ado, they were lunging for each other, making out as though their very lives depended on it.
Vlad snickered from his place in the trees, and watched as the stunning blonde vampire sulked her way into the forest. He clicked his heels again. She caught sight of her own reflection in a puddle created by the rain, and found she was drawn to it. Every time she tried to touch it, the beauty was disrupted.
"Damn it! I can't see the pretty because the stupid hand is in the way!"
"Trying to drown a blonde Rosie?"
Rosalie looked up from the puddle, and saw Jacob Black. "You're very funny Jacob."
"Thanks. I do try."
"Wanna make out with a hot blonde?" she asked him suddenly, not knowing or caring what had come over her.
"Boy, do I! But won't your muscle boy husband be peeved?"
Rosalie sighed. "Yeah, you're right." And Jacob turned to walk away. But Rosalie had apparently decided that it didn't matter, because she ran at him, in a desperate attempt to catch his lips between her own. He fell over, and she wound up literally kissing his butt. Accidentally, she sank her incisors into the flesh, and promptly, Jake let out a large fart.
As the noxious scent filled her nostrils, Rosalie backed away gasping for air.
"OMC, I'm so sorry!" he whispered.
"I love you." She murmured.
"I love you too." He yelled back
"Not you, idiot," It was then he realized her focus was back on her own reflection in the puddle. And she took her last breath of fumes before passing out.
Emmett and Edward made their way back to the house, fingers laced together. Carlisle stood, with a whip in his hand on the porch. Esme was on her knees, kissing the ground he was stepping on.
"What's all this?" he demanded to know.
"Emmett and I have decided to get married."
"This is good news. I'm glad to know you're over the human girl."
Edward nodded. "Indeed."
"We should tell her though…"
"You don't need to" Esme whispered. "She's on her way up the driveway."
Carlisle turned his attention to his wife. "Did I say you could speak?" Esme shook her head, and turned her attention back to the ground. "But yeah Edward, she is coming."
Bella Swan's red truck pulled behind the white Mercury that no one had noticed. "Oh, Edward, I couldn't stop thinking about you!" she called out to him as she bounded out of the car.
He held out a hand, forcing distance between them. "I've decided to be with Emmett."
"I…I don't understand…" she whispered.
"I don't love you, so go away."
Bella turned to Carlisle, looking for help. "I prefer it this way." He said simply.
She looked crestfallen until she caught sight of Jacob leaving the forest as well. "Jake! You love me, right?"
He had the unconscious Rosalie in his arms, he carried her effortlessly. "Nope. I only have eyes for blondie."
She looked to Jasper, who wrapped a tight grip around Alice's waist. "I can't lose the only thing I've got"
Alice, still bouncing up and down, struggled to get free. "You're getting me all wet, Jazz!"
"WHY WON'T SOMEONE LOVE ME?!" Bella screamed, and threw herself on the ground, collapsing in tears.
From his perch in the tree, Vlad was growing increasingly frustrated. He was trying to create an illusion of intense hunger for the human girl, but it simply wasn't working. Although watching her throw herself at every male in the room was nearly as satisfying, he felt like he was failing.
The child reappeared on his shoulder.
"You've been misbehaving quite a bit today Vlad."
He snickered. "But I've enjoyed myself greatly Nessie."
She scratched her head, giving him a glimpse of her horns. "As did I Vlad. As did I."