"This is the crappiest picnic I've ever been to."
All motion seemingly froze in shock at the coarse language uttered from the Vice Foreign Minister's mouth. Even Heero's eyebrows betrayed his surprise with a slight twitch. Belatedly, he became aware of the large number of empty champagne glasses surrounding his charge. Damn it. He hadn't realized he was ignoring her so effectively.
Relena stood, her hands settling on her hips in a posture every male could recognize as 'ticked off'. "The idea is totally warped. I know it's a benefit to raise awareness for L2's food crisis, but honestly-"
As if a switch had been flipped, the media reporting on the event sprang back into action, flashbulbs flickering like strobe lights. Briefly, Heero made an admiring note of Relena's ability to enunciate despite being obviously intoxicated.
"-Do none of you over-privileged, pompous morons see the hypocrisy in having a PICNIC to fight HUNGER?"
There was an outcry among the attendees, disbelieving gasps seemingly drawn in unison.
Damage control. Heero had to get her out of here, and quickly. Leaping over the refreshment table (secretly, he had always hoped he'd get to do something cool like this), he hoisted the protesting weight of one Relena Darlian over his shoulder as he jogged quickly to the limo.
"And another thing!" She shouted as she bounced around on Heero's shoulder, pointer finger still trained accusingly towards on-lookers, "I hate watercress sandwiches! They're the finger foods of privilege and oppression! Jerks!"
The last part had been spat at the distant yet disbelieving crowd as Heero shoved her into the back seat. He joined her quickly, slamming the door shut with a huge sense of relief.
"Let's get her back the hotel." He sighed, catching the drivers' eyes in the rear view mirror. Pagan nodded once before the tinted window rolled back into place.
Leaning back onto the seats, he spared a glance at his petite companion. She sat hunched in on herself, arms crossed as she glared daggers at the air in front of her. Catching his sudden attention, she huffed slightly, but didn't turn away. Silence spread thick between them, loaded and unnatural.
"You don't think Duo will be angry with me?" She asked quietly after some time had passed. "The only reason I went was because he asked me to."
Heero ran a hand through his already unruly bangs. "I think he'll forgive you. If anything, you've probably drawn more publicity to the event than if you had behaved yourself."
Her chuckle was breathy, as if she had been holding in the exhalation.
Heero drummed his fingers against his thigh, debating on whether or not to broach the topic of her behavior. It was a short debate, seeing as risk-taking was pretty much his philosophy of life, so he decided to play with fire and mention the elephant in the limo.
"...Want to talk about happened back there, Relena?" He was annoyed to hear a catch in his voice as he said her name. He could tell from her uncharacteristically poor posture she still wasn't totally over it, nor totally sober.
"Oh, I don't know. It was all so…pretentious and self-important. I can't stand it when people who've never bothered to visit a colony pat themselves on the back for 'saving' one-"
"You're lying." Heero interrupted her. "You've gone to a hundreds of functions you loathed and still managed to keep me from having to drag you out."
Relena slumped even further in her seat, and Heero had to fight to keep an exasperated smile off his face. He wanted to be annoyed with her, but it was rare he could read Relena's emotions so easily that he couldn't help finding her sudden displays- dare he say it- cute?
"I suppose I was a bit... indisposed." She muttered, a scowl stealing over her features. Clearly she did not enjoy his line of questioning.
"And why were you…indisposed?" Heero pressed, the corner of his mouth ticking up slightly as he lost his fight to keep his poker face intact.
She directed a withering glare at him for his trouble. "You're amused. You ass. It was because of you I ended up drinking more than I realized."
Heero's smile abruptly wilted. "Relena... if this is about this morning..."
Relena suddenly straightened, eyes blazing in indignation. "Of course it's about this morning! I know it's hard for people to understand, but I am only 19. I've been in the political arena since I was 15! God knows I haven't even finished school, much less dated!"
Heero blinked in bewilderment, failing to see how her rant connected to the events that had happened only hours ago.
"And then you walk in on me in the shower, and I know it was an accident, but all I can seem to be is relieved that at least someone saw me in the nude while I'm under thirty because god knows when that will end up happening again-"
To Heero's horror, he felt a flush creep up his neck at her candid retelling. Details trickled into his minds' eye against his will- her surprised gasp, the smooth looking texture of her skin, how her eyes had looked so much bigger with her bangs slicked back... She was still talking. Heero tuned back in to catch the tail end of her confession.
"-but then you just walked out, without a word! I mean, I at least had hoped you'd have an erection." Heero almost choked on his own saliva at this, but Relena remained oblivious as she visibly drooped. "It's all so disappointing, you see."
Heero was at war with the truth within himself, and the temptation to let the issue rest and keep his dignity intact. Had he known champagne worked on Relena better than truth serum, he may have chosen to ask later, once it was out of her system- but how was he to know the conversation would have taken such an unexpected turn?
She looked so wounded, her eyebrows drawn soulfully over her lashes, mouth unconsciously pouting. He groaned inwardly before clearing his throat.
"Relena...ah...don't- don't be disappointed." He coughed to cover up the flustered tone in his voice. He couldn't believe he was about to say this. Duo's words echoed morbidly in his head. 'Anything at all for the one you love'* "I, um... I had one."
Her gaze snapped to his face, expression turned inquiring. "What?"
"An erection." Heero clarified through clenched teeth. God, he should've stayed in bed today. "I got one... when I saw you."
She seemed happy for a moment, but quickly grew serious again.
"I don't understand." Relena said. "You've been ignoring me all day..."
Heero pinched the bridge of his nose as his jaw worked. The woman was totally dense when it came to this matter. "Yes, I did. I had to."
Relena wrinkled her nose. "Why would you have to ignore me?"
His fingers were clenched in the material of his slacks. Could she honestly not figure it out? "If I didn't, then I would have become...distracted."
"But why?" She honestly looked as if she didn't have a clue.
Heero was at his breaking point. There was only so much a man could take. "BECAUSE I KEPT PICTURING YOU NAKED!"
He slapped a hand over his mouth as soon as he realized what had just been revealed. Please let this be some bizarre, whacked out dream. He did not just tell his boss, and one of the greatest political figures of his time, that he fantasized about her. While on duty, no less.
Her reaction was quite the opposite of his. A warm, heartbreaking smile spread over her features, her cheeks dimpling innocently. "Oh Heero! I'm so happy! You find me sexually attractive!"
Heero groaned out loud this time- no-brainer of the century, Minister Darlian- but was placed immediately on edge as the car stopped abruptly.
The tinted window separating Pagan and his passengers rolled down, and Heero immediately swallowed as he caught the ferociously enraged expression of Relena's elderly butler.
He heard, rather than saw, the click of a gun being cocked.
"Naked, eh, Preventer Yuy?" The old man rasped.
'Yeah', Heero thought, 'definitely should've stayed in bed.'
AN: Will I ever stop finding ways to work nudity and alcohol into my 1xR stories?