Letting Go and Trusting
A soft, slight weight pressing down in my arms, along with Alice's fleeting thoughts drew my mind back to the present. I kept my eyes closed and moved my arms to better support the small bundle I now held. The one person I really didn't want to look at was now with me, and I briefly considered taking her back downstairs. Renesmee's heart beat now joined Bella's, fluttering much faster like the wings of a humming bird.
There was a slight shifting in my arms, which I tried desperately to ignore. I didn't want to feel anything right now, especially the love I had when I first saw my daughter. It had been her existence which had caused all of this, taken my beautiful Bella and hurt her.
Finally I did look down, finding myself suddenly lost in Renesmee's chocolate brown eyes.
At that moment she stopped moving, looking back at me with the intelligence I had seen in her eyes the first time I held her.
I looked at Bella, who lay motionless on the medical bed, and then back at our baby.
Bella had fought to keep our daughter, and I began to remember that day when we arrived back in Port Angeles.
"Your Momma is a very determined woman," I told our baby, as I turned her, settling her on my lap. I unfolded the soft pink blanket wrapped around her small form, realizing as I did that Renesmee was still growing. That troubled me, but I put those thoughts aside as I held out my left finger.
Renesmee grasped around it, and I could feel her strength. "What does this mean?" I asked, as she looked from my finger back at me.
It seemed as though she was trying to understand the meaning in my words.
If she kept growing, how long would we have her? I didn't want to add to my worries, and chose to simply live in the moment, as I held her small hand in my own, remembering back to those moments in time which forever changed our lives.
Bella had been very quite on the journey back from Isle Esme, and I thought she was mad at me. My wife had every right to be angry with me, I was even angry. In the back of my mind I had known that loving her before she was changed was wrong, and yet it seemed I couldn't resist.
I remember telling myself, after that second time, that we were right together. There hadn't been any added bruises, and I had controlled my passions, giving Bella as much as I could.
When we discovered she was pregnant, I found myself at a loss for the first time in my life as a vampire. I sat on the bathroom floor thinking a thousand different thoughts, not wanting to believe what Bella was saying.
When Carlisle confirmed Bella's suspicions, I knew we had to get her back. At the airport in Port Angeles, I realized I had been the unobservant one as I watched my wife running into Rosalie's arms.
From that time on, sides were drawn. Rose had sided with Bella, and was well prepared to protect my wife, and more specifically the life Bella was carrying, from any harm. I remember clearly wanting to rip Rose's head from her shoulders. The only thing that kept me from doing so was Bella. I knew I couldn't cause my Bella worry or pain, when she was already being hurt by the thing she carried.
My daughter began to shift on my lap, and I looked at her. "I'm sorry," I said, as I slid my hands under her small body, lifting her and settling her against my shoulder.
I felt her small, warm hand touch my neck, and suddenly I was seeing and hearing memories in my head, that were not my own. Gently, I pulled Renesmee's hand away, and carefully lifted her in front of my face, amazed by what she had just done.
By then she was squirming, and her bottom lip was trembling. Renesmee had something to say in those memories, so I settled her back against my chest prepared to let her show me.
The first image I saw was my own face as I said Renesmee's name for the first time. The picture in my mind shifted as I held Renesmee out for Bella to see. That is where the image stopped, and at the same time I heard my baby's thoughts.
"Hurt hurt," she repeated over and over.
Finally I realized what my absence in self loathing had cost my daughter, and I hugged her closer. "No, Momma wasn't strong enough for you, and none of this is your fault. She wants you so much," I said, as I rubbed my hand over Renesmee's back.
I knew then, that I wanted my daughter too. I had been too blinded by Bella's suffering, to realize the miracle of what had happened. At that moment, I began thanking God for Bella's determination to keep our child safe.
My gaze moved back to Bella, and I noticed a slight change in her. The skin on her face was smoothing, and I had to hope that this was going to work.
"I want you too," I admitted, as I turned and kissed the top of Renesmee's head. I wanted to see my daughter's face, so I shifted her to lie cradled in my arms.
At that moment she yawned, and without thought I began to hum my lullaby that my Bella had inspired. I watched as Renesmee's eyelids began to droop, and within a few minutes, she was asleep.
"Bella, you were right to keep her safe, she is worth all you fought for." Carefully I stood, not wanting to wake Renesmee.
In two steps, I was at Bella's side. "Come back to us, we both need you." Gently I kissed my wife's lips. "We love you," I whispered, before I turned, taking my first leave of Carlisle's Study, and my wife.
I had to thank Alice for bringing Renesmee to me. I was now ready to trust in the love that Bella had put her undying faith in. It was time to let go of my fears and guilt and embrace what was right in front of me. I had a family to care for, and it was time to start there, loving my daughter and my wife and accepting what ever came after that.
AN:One of my favorite parts in BD is when Renesmee is showing Bella all she missed while Bella was turning into a Vampire. There was one part where she showed Bella Edward singing to her, and so that is where this story took it's life from. I wish there was more of Edward and his daughter so here you go. Read and Review. Thanks