James: (his voice echoing from somewhere) MUAHAHA! It is a videotape! Now I shall eat you!
Bella: Please don't?
James appears dramatically from behind a floral curtain with a camera in his hand.
James: I chose this place because it is very… full of mirrors. Which is good if I want to record eating you for your sparkly boyfriend.
Bella: I don't think that he would like that much…
James starts walking towards Bella. Bella runs in the general direction of the door, but her lack of co-ordination means that she knocks herself out on a support column.
James: Oh, for gods sake. Wake up!
He slaps the unconscious Bella. At that very moment Edward, wearing a full body leotard, flies into the room.
Edward: I will save you my love!
James: (smirks) Um… sure. You might be fast, but I can break you.
James proceeds to flush Edwards head down the toilet.
Edward: (crying) Please, I just wanted to save my love!
James: Do you even know her name?
Edward: It's so boring I just call her 'my love' mostly.
Carlisle walks into the ballet studio, with his hand on his hip.
Carlisle: Did someone call for a doctor?
James: Um… no.
Carlisle: (Frowning) Oh… Well… I'm not really good for anything else. Do continue.
He disappears in a burst of paracetamol pills. Then he re-appears in a more predictable burst of smoke.
Carlisle: Actually… Bella might be hurt over there… I'll stay.
Bella: (waking up) Ouch…
Carlisle: (ecstatically) I am wanted!
James: (turning back to Edward) What the hell is wrong with your family?
Edward: We are vegetarians.
James: That explains a lot.
Alice and Jasper walk in and place a large pile of wood and charcoal on the floor. Emmett walks in and casually lifts James up before placing him on the pile.
Jasper: Light it Alice!
Alice sets fire to the pile and the three proceed to dance around it waving their hands in the air.
Alice, Jasper and Emmett: (singing) Burn, baby, burn!
James: (stepping out of the fire) Umm… You have to break me into little pieces for that to kill me.
Alice: Oh, yeah! Well, isn't that stupid?
Alice, Jasper and Emmett proceed to pull apart James bit by bit.
Bits and pieces of James are now in the fire, and the room fills with purple smoke- because vampires are essentially incense. Purple incense…
Carlisle: Edward, come over here.
Edward walks over there, and Bella is staring at the James-fire.
Bella: It burns! Dear god, it burns!
Edward: She must have been bitten! Quick let me suck her blood!
Carlisle: Edward, no. Too late.
Emmett walks over and pulls Edward away from Bella, as Jasper leaves the room muttering something about a lucky bastard.
Edward: Yep, it is clean. The blood is clean. No venom. Actually… Maybe just one more taste to make sure!
Everyone else restrains Edward to make sure that he won't kill Bella.
Carlisle: Hey, where is Esme?
Jacob: (who is suddenly there) She never appears in fight scenes. Get with the program.
He turns into a Scottish Terrier and runs away.
Edward: Who the hell was that?
Carlisle: I don't know. But we probably won't ever meet him again.
Alice: I am pretty sure that was a girl. It had long hair…
Later in hospital.
Bella: OMG THERE IS A TUBE IN MY ARM!!!
Edward: She is afraid of a tube…
Bella: IN MY ARM!!
Renee: (walking in to the room) Is your boyfriend unconscious?
Bella: Yes… TUBE!
Renee: You love him don't you?
Bella: TUB… Yes mum, I do.
Renee: Goodo, I am going to go back to Phil now. I think that this half a second of caring has been adequate.
She exits the room
Edward: (walking over to Bella) I will love you forever and ever.