Bella: Mum?

James: (his voice echoing from somewhere) MUAHAHA! It is a videotape! Now I shall eat you!

Bella: Please don't?

James appears dramatically from behind a floral curtain with a camera in his hand.

James: I chose this place because it is very… full of mirrors. Which is good if I want to record eating you for your sparkly boyfriend.

Bella: I don't think that he would like that much…

James starts walking towards Bella. Bella runs in the general direction of the door, but her lack of co-ordination means that she knocks herself out on a support column.

James: Oh, for gods sake. Wake up!

He slaps the unconscious Bella. At that very moment Edward, wearing a full body leotard, flies into the room.

Edward: I will save you my love!

James: (smirks) Um… sure. You might be fast, but I can break you.

James proceeds to flush Edwards head down the toilet.

Edward: (crying) Please, I just wanted to save my love!

James: Do you even know her name?

Edward: It's so boring I just call her 'my love' mostly.

Carlisle walks into the ballet studio, with his hand on his hip.

Carlisle: Did someone call for a doctor?

Edward: No.

James: Um… no.

Carlisle: (Frowning) Oh… Well… I'm not really good for anything else. Do continue.

He disappears in a burst of paracetamol pills. Then he re-appears in a more predictable burst of smoke.

Carlisle: Actually… Bella might be hurt over there… I'll stay.

Bella: (waking up) Ouch…

Carlisle: (ecstatically) I am wanted!

James: (turning back to Edward) What the hell is wrong with your family?

Edward: We are vegetarians.

James: That explains a lot.

Alice and Jasper walk in and place a large pile of wood and charcoal on the floor. Emmett walks in and casually lifts James up before placing him on the pile.

Jasper: Light it Alice!

Alice sets fire to the pile and the three proceed to dance around it waving their hands in the air.

Alice, Jasper and Emmett: (singing) Burn, baby, burn!

James: (stepping out of the fire) Umm… You have to break me into little pieces for that to kill me.

Alice: Oh, yeah! Well, isn't that stupid?

Alice, Jasper and Emmett proceed to pull apart James bit by bit.

James: Ouch.

Bits and pieces of James are now in the fire, and the room fills with purple smoke- because vampires are essentially incense. Purple incense…

Carlisle: Edward, come over here.

Edward walks over there, and Bella is staring at the James-fire.

Bella: It burns! Dear god, it burns!

Edward: She must have been bitten! Quick let me suck her blood!

Carlisle: Edward, no. Too late.

Emmett walks over and pulls Edward away from Bella, as Jasper leaves the room muttering something about a lucky bastard.

Edward: Yep, it is clean. The blood is clean. No venom. Actually… Maybe just one more taste to make sure!

Everyone else restrains Edward to make sure that he won't kill Bella.

Carlisle: Hey, where is Esme?

Jacob: (who is suddenly there) She never appears in fight scenes. Get with the program.

He turns into a Scottish Terrier and runs away.

Edward: Who the hell was that?

Carlisle: I don't know. But we probably won't ever meet him again.

Alice: I am pretty sure that was a girl. It had long hair…

Later in hospital.


Edward: She is afraid of a tube…

Bella: IN MY ARM!!

Renee: (walking in to the room) Is your boyfriend unconscious?

Bella: Yes… TUBE!

Renee: You love him don't you?

Bella: TUB… Yes mum, I do.

Renee: Goodo, I am going to go back to Phil now. I think that this half a second of caring has been adequate.

She exits the room

Edward: (walking over to Bella) I will love you forever and ever.

Bella: TUBE!!