TITLE: Being Alive
AUTHOR: Erin Giles
RATING: NC-17
DISCLAIMER: Torchwood is property of the BBC and RTD.
CHARACTERS/PAIRINGS: Jack/Ianto
WORDS: 2641
SUMMARY: It wasn't about feelings with Jack and Ianto, not really, it was more about the desperate need to feel something other than the pain of losing and being lost - to feel alive. My take on how things started with Jack and Ianto.
AUTHORS NOTES: cs_whitewolf is entirely to blame for this. She pointed out the other day that I had never written anything dirty in my entire life - I'm like Torchwood, suitable amounts of innuendo but crap on the followthrough - and I'm not sure if this counts as dirty but there is definite inappropriateness on Jack's office floor. Make of it what you will. This will probably be my first and last smut fic... probably...

Also the three scenes are set after 'Cyberwoman', 'Countrycide' and 'They Keep Killing Suzie' respectively.


"I'm pretty sure that this is a no no in the employee employer handbook." Ianto said a little breathlessly when Jack pulled back slightly from his lips allowing them to breathe.

"We can stop if you want." Jack replied, almost hesitantly, but his hand didn't move from Ianto's bruised cheek and Ianto didn't remove his hand from Jack's thigh. Instead of replying Ianto leant in again, pressing his lips against Jack's, needy and full of lust. He felt like his brain had detached from the rest of his body as his hands started pulling Jack closer to him. It felt so good though to have someone touch him again after so long with nothing but cold metal beneath his hands.

This is wrong. Ianto thought as his tongue fought a losing battle with Jack's. His hands tentatively reached out to start undoing Jack's belt. He wasn't thinking with either his head or his heart now, and something lurched deep within his stomach as Jack pulled back abruptly, catching a hold of his hands.

"Ianto, I don't-" Jack almost seemed unsure of himself and Ianto felt like he was being rejected. He pulled his hands out of Jack's grasp, pulling himself up from his sofa and straightening his t-shirt.

"Thanks for stopping by to check on me." Ianto mumbled, his tongue unconsciously running over his bottom lip. It tasted of Jack. Jack followed Ianto to his feet, his brow creased in a look that Ianto couldn't discern.

Jack opened his mouth as if he was about to protest. "I'll come by tomorrow." Jack put a hand to Ianto's cheek like he was going to lean in and kiss him again but his hand fell to Ianto's chest, pressing warmly over his heart and lingering for a moment before he was moving away. He retrieved his coat from the back of the couch before moving to the front door of Ianto's flat.

"Try and get some sleep." And with that Jack was gone, leaving Ianto to feel more alone than he had done when Jack had first arrived.


"I'm sorry." Ianto's voice was barely above a whisper but it didn't matter considering Jack was so close to him. Jack's hand was in the small of Ianto's back as he guided him into the bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the bed.

"For what?" Jack asked gently in reply before bending to remove Ianto's boots.

"For saying Lisa was my last kiss." Ianto replied quickly. He watched as Jack's hands fumbled with his bootlaces for a moment. "I just, camping always reminds me of Lisa and I just-" Ianto seemed at a loss for words as Jack slid both Ianto's feet from the boots with a sweaty pop.

"You wanted them to remember, wanted them still to care." Jack answered for him as he brought himself back to his feet, starting to undo the buttons on Ianto's shirt.

"Is that so wrong?"

Jack sighed slightly. "No." He slid Ianto's shirt from his shoulders, reminding himself that he was there in the capacity of friend and boss and certainly not to try and get Ianto into bed as the ruined fabric revealed Ianto's muscular frame. "I won't deny it did hurt my feelings a little though."

Ianto looked up at Jack, eyes searching his face to try and determine if he was joking or not, but Jack was giving nothing away as he pulled the black t-shirt up over Ianto's head revealing bruises.

As Jack leant in to undo Ianto's belt though Ianto couldn't help himself. He darted forward as quickly as his injuries would allow, stealing a kiss. It was slow and tender, nothing more than a meeting of lips, almost an innocent kiss between friends. But when Ianto pulled back only slightly so he could see in Jack's eyes, he could see they were lust filled. Jack's hands had stilled on Ianto's belt buckle as he leant forward to capture Ianto's lips again, mouth parting slightly to allow tongues access to each other's mouths.

Ianto felt his own hands coming to join Jack's on his belt buckle, helping him to ease the fabric of it through the loops before pulling at his jeans, the buttons on it popping apart. The kiss deepened as Ianto's arms reached up, long dexterous fingers sliding beneath the fabric of Jack's greatcoat to ease it from his shoulders, his fingers sliding back under the braces to pull Jack back onto the bed with him. As he started to untuck Jack's shirt from his trousers he realised he could be accused of not thinking straight due to severe concussion or the inordinately strong painkillers Owen had provided him with; but he also realised he didn't care.

There was something about Jack Harkness - always had been. Ever since he'd unquestioningly tried to catch the man falling from the heights of a warehouse while trying to catch a pterodactyl Ianto couldn't deny there was something about him. 51st Century pheromones Jack had said and Ianto had thought it was a line, although in retrospect it was probably the truth. Ianto hadn't been thinking of Lisa as he lay on top of Jack in that warehouse, laughter on his lips and Jack's hot breath on his face as their noses brushed against each other.

It was overwhelming Ianto's senses now as Jack lay on top of him, hips grinding into his as teeth clattered against each other. Jack's hands were pushing the fabric of Ianto's jeans and boxers down his hips, fingers clutching at the curve of Ianto's arse. Ianto's own hands were busy fumbling with the front of Jack's own trousers, feeling Jack's growing erection beneath the fabric.

Blood was rushing in Ianto's ears as shaking fingers reached up to grab fistfuls of Jack's hair, trying to ground himself as Jack's hands ghosted over the bruises on Ianto's back. He suddenly felt sick as he remembered his callous treatment from earlier that day and no matter how much Ianto wanted to lose himself in Jack at that moment, reality was asserting itself again. Ianto fought to draw breath as Jack pulled back, sudden worry marring his features before he was pulling himself awkwardly off of Ianto.

Ianto's name came as a whisper from kiss-swollen lips, Jack looking down at the young Welshman as he desperately tried to draw breath into his lungs. Jack reached out for him, pulling him into a sitting position on the bed, causing the world to swim.

"'m sorry." Ianto whispered before he was leaning forward, closing his eyes as he felt the world spinning slightly. He could feel all the blood rushing away from his cock and back to his head where it was more needed considering how nauseous he suddenly felt. He stumbled to his feet, trying to make it to the bathroom. Jack's steadying hands were on him, making the disorientation slightly more barely as Jack lead him to the bathroom, lowering him to the floor as his stomach heaved. He didn't say anything as Ianto wretched into the toilet, just rubbed soothing circles on his back until he was done.

Ianto caught Jack's eye as he leaned back against the bath when he was done. "Sorry." He voiced again. Jack just shook his head slightly, a small smile playing on his lips.

"Nothing to be sorry for." Jack replied sincerely before he was pulling himself to his feet, taking a moment to do his trousers up again, his erection still noticeable, before he was reaching out a hand to Ianto, pulling him to his feet.

"Why don't you wash up and I'll go make us a cup of tea?" Jack encouraged, his hand still holding Ianto's. Ianto almost blushed as he looked down at his undone jeans before extracting his sweaty palm from Jack's.

Ianto nodded bashfully. "Thanks."

Jack hesitated before placing a hand on Ianto's shoulder, squeezing it before he was gone from the bathroom. Ianto bit his lip, turning to the mirror above the wash-hand basin in the bathroom. He leant on the sink looking at the reflection of himself in the mirror for a long moment, just staring into his eyes before his gaze dropped to the sink, turning on the taps and revealing in the warm water that rushed over his hands.


"If you're interested I've still got that stopwatch."

It sounded like his own voice but the words coming from his lips didn't seem to equate. He'd seen the defeat in Jack's posture as he'd slumped against the morgue drawers and Ianto had taken his chance, only a brief moment of hesitation. Jack's So? had given him a chance to change his mind but he'd committed himself now, finding himself lacing more innuendo into the conversation, leaving Jack to take it how he saw fit. The sparkle had come back into Jack's eyes as he'd watched Ianto, communicating his gratefulness through his eyes, before he was gone from the morgue.

Ianto was half a minute early when he entered Jack's office. Tosh was just disappearing out the cog door, waving to Ianto over her shoulder so Ianto wasn't prepared when Jack forced him back into the door, causing it to rattle in it's frame as Ianto dropped the stopwatch in his hand.

Jack's breath was hot on Ianto's face, a brief glimpse of desire in those blue depths before Jack's lips were pressed hard against Ianto's, rougher than any of the other kisses they had shared. It was the first time Jack had been fragile though, desperation in his kisses as he stripped Ianto of his suit jacket and tie. They tumbled to the floor on top of the stopwatch and Ianto was vaguely aware of something crunching beneath his feet as he pushed Jack back towards his desk, slipping his braces from his shoulders before he fumbled with the buttons of Jack's shirt.

He could hear paper fluttering to the floor, and the clatter of objects falling from Jack's desk but he didn't care as he toed off his shoes. Jack's own foot banged against the desk in annoyance as he tried to do the same while Ianto stripped him of his white undershirt. Ianto's hands roamed over the taunt muscles of Jack's chest, dipping in and out of the curves there as his lips found the curve of Jack's neck. Jack let out a low moan as Ianto trailed kisses down to Jack's collarbone, Jack's hands fumbling with Ianto's trousers.

He didn't even consider the fact he had never been with a man, Jack didn't seem to count in that capacity. Jack Harkness was a whole other category himself, if you could call him a category. Ianto had never considered being with a man and he didn't think he ever would again. But like he had told himself so many times – there was something about Jack Harkness.

He could feel Jack grinding against his hand where he was trying to undo his trousers, the need desperate in his quick upward trusts, the desk rattling every time his arse left it before they were tumbling back onto the office floor. Ianto's trousers were down round his knees now, the concrete floor cold against his arse, making him shiver involuntarily. He let out a sharp gasp as Jack grasped at his cock in one hand, planting sloppy kisses onto Ianto's belly that quivered in pleasure. This wasn't about Ianto though. He soon found his thighs round Jack's waist, straddling him on the floor of the office as he started to plant kisses haphazardly on Jack's chest. Ianto didn't hesitate to take Jack's cock in his mouth, his hands bracing on Jack's thighs as he tried to thrust into Ianto's mouth.

He licked along the length of Jack's cock, going by instinct rather than know-how, licking up the length of it as one hand curled round Jack's thigh. Jack gave a whimper as Ianto's hand grazed against his balls, his tongue continuing to lavish attention on Jack's slowly hardening cock. Jack's hand came down and started to tug at his growing erection, letting out a gasped moan as Ianto started sucking at his balls, the warm feeling of Ianto's lips round them almost too much for Jack as he thrust up into his own hand before Ianto's mouth was back round the head of Jack's cock, teasing it with the tip of his tongue.

Ianto's hand slid up from Jack's thigh, palm pressed flat against Jack's stomach as he felt it quiver in ecstasy. Jack gave another mumbled moan as his hand fisted the back of Ianto's hair, thrusting upwards into Ianto's mouth. Ianto almost gagged as he felt Jack's cock slipping down the back of his throat, but years of downing pints with rugby teams had schooled him well and soon Jack was fucking himself on Ianto's mouth in desperate, needy thrusts.

He could feel Jack's hand curling round the back of his neck as Ianto's hands finally found their way back to Jack's hips, putting a halt to Jack's thrusting for the moment before Ianto's hand curled round Jack's cock, pumping him and sucking as Jack's breaths came quick and sharp.

"Fuck." Jack moaned. Ianto could see Jack watching him down the length of his body as Ianto quickened his pace, feeling Jack close.

Jack's head thumped back onto the concrete floor as he came, no longer caring as his fingernails dug into Ianto's shoulders. Ianto's hand slowed its rhythm on Jack's cock until he was done, letting it drop back onto Jack's belly as he unconsciously wiped his hand across his own belly. Jack's ragged breathing drew his attention, his chest rising and falling quickly as he tried to draw breath, his eyes closed as his hands slipped from Ianto's shoulders to lay at his sides. Ianto watched him for a long moment as he started to pull his own trousers back up, his erection pressing painfully against its fabric prison. When he went to retrieve his shirt from beside Jack's head he found the man in question staring up at him, propped up on his elbows, his breathing slightly more controlled.

"Don't you-" Jack hesitated, not finishing his sentence as Ianto pulled his shirt on, buttoning it up quickly and shoving it into his trousers with speedy efficiency. Ianto shook his head once and Jack coloured slightly, looking down at his stomach slightly abashed.

"Another time." Ianto said eventually as he moved to collect his tie and jacket. When he looked back Jack was standing, doing up his trousers now. Ianto gnawed on his bottom lip for a moment as he pulled his suit jacket on, slipping his tie into his pocket. He crossed back over the office to Jack, his hand going to Jack's cheek before it slipped down to Jack's chest, feeling the erratic thud of Jack's heart.

"You can't save everyone." Ianto said softly before he leaned in to kiss Jack tenderly, pulling back slightly and resting his forehead against Jack's. He breathed in deep, inhaling Jack's scent one last time before pulling away to look meaningfully in Jack's eyes.

"Thank you." Ianto breathed, before he was turning to leave. Jack didn't move until he heard the cog door rolling back into place, letting out a long sigh as he looked down at the floor. Only now did he notice Ianto's abandoned stopwatch broken on the floor. He stooped to pick it up, turning it over in his large hand to see that the glass was cracked. He pressed the button on the top but it was frozen at the ten minute mark. Jack turned to the decanter on his desk, but at the last minute changed his mind. He wanted – needed – sleep, and as he lay between the sheets that night he thought of life and not death.