xXx Bloody Memoirs of Addiction xXx

xXx The Quick Notes xXx

For those of you who don't read summaries read this...

It is from Tom's POV. It will be offensive to some people. Self harm could be considered the main theme.

xXx The Story xXx

Self harm. It's an addiction. Even if people say it's just attention seeking, it is an addiction. The problem is that when you are found out you are monitored for a while and people check you regularly. After a while they stop and you think you are fine. Then something bad happens and you start again only you do it where others can't see. Then you are fucked.

Now I know what I am talking about so don't say I don't. What makes things worse is that I know my life isn't the worst but that makes me feel even guiltier for feeling down. It's a viscous cycle. I haven't had a bad life. I know this. Hell, its even been pretty damn good. I have a great band which is pretty damn successful considering. I have a great twin, awesome friends which are almost as good as my brother and an endless line of girls to fuck every night if I want to… which I do…

There are certain rules to be obeyed before you have sex with me and you know you will follow them because I am famous. Number one… no lights on, I don't give a shit what you think. Number two… leave when its over and don't leave a number because I will not call you. Number three… don't tell your friends about what ever you may have seen i.e. my scars and cuts, the only place it will get you is the gutter. Literally. And finally, number four… I don't care about you. At all. You are just there for me to screw, that is all.

Now Bill… he knows we can have lights on. He knows he can stay all night in my arms and he knows he is so much more than just a screw. I also know he won't. Not since that night, a week ago, when I raped him. He saw my new cuts when we were getting changed after a gig and started screaming at me. When I tried to kiss him to shut him up he pushed me away and said I needed help, that I wasn't all there. Well… that really pissed me off and in the end I forced sex on him using the long wire that connects his microphone to the speakers. His wrists were a mess after so long being left in the same position, so bad that he wore long sleeves and sweatbands on his wrists for three days afterwards. Since that night we have played two flawless gigs without saying a word to each other, it's really a good achievement. My thighs are riddled with long gashes now and caked in blood from the deeper cuts that keep opening.

My latest walking fuck just left after I very clearly let her know exactly what she was. A whore. I guess I am a whore as well but I don't charge - not that she got paid in the end - I don't need an exchange of money to switch hands to lose myself. Being famous gets me there. But how did I get here?

Ugh, too many thoughts. My head hurts. It's funny, you think of one thing like how your ex-best friend forced a kiss on you. That leads to remembering the one person you loved and how you lost them which takes you to the reason for your latest cuts and that leads you to remember why you started, that night when you found out about sex… well sex in the not straight sense. God, I hate my step dad. Of course I didn't tell mom and it only happened that once. Not even Bill knows about it. Pent up anger over everything builts up again and I reach into my pockets for my scissors. I hate razors and knifes but don't ask me why… just something about how they cut… so… harsh I guess. Now scissors… pointy edge down and a quick, hard swipe and for a moment you forget everything.

Hmmm… my legs look bad… I should do my stomach… ja, that would work. One… two… three… fo-

A knock at the door? Maybe its Bill coming back to me! I pull my shirt over my head but don't bother with boxers or pants because my shirt almost reaches my knees - not like Bill hasn't seen my cuts anyways. A harder beat on the door, more impatient this time. He must really want to see me. I rush up from my bed and tear the door open.

"Bill, I-", I stop as I see who it really is.

"Bill doesn't want to see you, you absolute asshole" Georg sneers at me before closing the door. And locks it.

"Oh… well… what do you want?", I try not to stutter. I like Georg, I really do, I said he was almost like my brother right? It's true… only being so close to him… he looks dangerous…

"I want revenge for what you did to Bill, why did you do it? You couldn't just leave him alone could you?" while he has been talking he has slowly been stepping forward, pushing me backwards. He really has got things backwards hasn't he? It was really all Bill's fault, if he had just let me kiss him and let me be with him like normal then I wouldn't have forced him. Of course I can't tell Georg that so I just keep my mouth closed.

The first punch hits my gut before I knew he wasn't even going to hit me. The solid blow in addition to the brand new cuts… well it's safe to say I haven't felt such pain since that night with Gordon.

The pain and force pushes me onto the bed and my legs are revealed to Georg who just looks down at me in disgust. "No wonder you cut yourself. How can you even live after what you have done?! He has cried to me every night because of you, you prick!"

Bill cried? Why? Oh god, I never meant it. Tears spring to my eyes as Georg climbs on top of me putting his hands around my neck and I know I deserve what he is going to do. God, I deserve so much more.


Ja… my first ever Tokio Hotel fic… I know it was sooo fucked up but I needed to vent coz I have been on a downer for like two weeks now but since I don't really tell people about my problems this was born… god, I sound like such an emo or sumit… sorry.

Reviews are good so please leave 'em, especially coz this is my first TH…

Hoshika xXx