xXx Bloody Memoirs Of An Addiction xXx

xXx Part Four xXx

xXx Blame Me If It Makes You Feel Better xXx

It took the G's three days of uncomfortable silences between Bill and me before they caved and shoved us into the media room of the bus, locking the door as they left. Bill had banged on the door for a good while before huffing and sitting down on the sofa.

"This is your fault", he accused me with a glare.

"How is it my fault? You're the one who got on top of me. You're the one who asked to kiss me and then freaked out about it", I glared back at him as I leaned again the wall opposite the sofa.

"I was drunk, I didn't know what I was doing," was Bill's pathetic excuse.

"Why are we making such a big deal then?" I sighed. I was tired and hated the memory of finally kissing Bill to be ruined.

"I'm sorry, Tomi," Bill said as he walked forward and opened his arms for a hug. I stepped into, feeling some small relief of at least not fighting. "Still love me, Tomi?" Bill whispered into my ear.

"More than you will ever know…" I whispered back.

xXx Five Months After The First Kiss xXx

"Toooomi! Am horny!" Bill whined in my ear, his words slurred and distorted due to both our drunken states.

"Go wank then," I told him, my words sounding thick as they clumsily rolled of my tongue.

"Nooo, I need sex…"

"Tough luck, it's just you and me on the bus here."

"We could have sex!" he exclaimed as if it was the best idea in the whole world and his eyes went wide.

"We can't, Bill."

"We can, Tomi!" he said as he climbed on top of me and started grinding himself down on my clothed cock, "Come on, fuck me, please," he pouted.

I should have said no, should have pushed him off me and ended it right there. My lust for my twin had taken me over and in my disorientated state I could do nothing as he writhed above me.

That was the first night I have sex with my little bother.

It wasn't the last.

He saw my scars in those nights and tried to get me to stop but he didn't understand.

I should have stopped.

xXx Back To The Present - The Hotel Room xXx

I pick at the scab on my wrist again. I feel so dirty, the need to wash is driving me insane as the dirt crawls in my veins.

I grip the door handle for support and, with shaking knees, I bring myself to stand. My body shakes with hunger and exhaustion but I don't really notice. Everything hurts but nothing fades. It just makes me stumble over my own feet a couple of times as I struggle gain control of my limbs.

I make it to the bathroom and turn on the hot water tap. Hot water makes the blood flow faster, don't ask me why. I take my clothes off, pulling a little at where the material sticks to the scabs. I remove my phone from my pocket along with my scissors and sit them both on the unit next to the bath so that they are within reaching distance.

As I step into the bath I feel the scalding water scorch my heels and then my legs. I wince at the pain but I don't let it stop me. I submerge my whole body in up to my neck and just let the throbbing agony of the water take me over.

Still nothing fades.

I let my skin soften in the water before reaching for my scissors one last time and for the last time I finally let my tears spill over my cheeks.

I push the tip into my leg, going deeper than before. My head hurts and everything is crushing me as I struggle to breathe through the sobs that wrack my body. I know I won't die for a while, I know I'll have to do more.

I never wanted to die. I just wanted to be normal. Forget about Gordon and all the shit in life.

As my head continues to swim voices come out the darkness.

"Moan, you little whore." - Gordon

"Ugh, Tomi, right there, harder." - Bill

"You are a disgusting little prick." - Georg

"You deserved it." - Gustav

The water is turning red now, I don't know how many cuts I have made but I know I have hit a few minor arteries and veins - we learned where they are in biology a few years ago.

I pick my phone up from the counter and turn on the sound recorder then sit it back down.

xXx Some Time Later xXx

I can feel my heart slow now. There is a peacefulness that comes with dying. To finally be free of guilt and pain, to know that death is the end of it all.

There is also the terror of the unknown. The fear that maybe there is a God and he will send me to hell for all my sins.

I flex my wrists under the water every so often to keep the blood flow going. There is fogginess in my brain, a veil is covering everything and all I can see in the deep crimson the water has become.

I hear a crash at the door and the splinter of wood but I don't care.

"Tom!"

"I love you, Bill," I whisper before my eyes roll into my skull and I let out my last breath.

xXx The Message For Billa From Tomi xXx

"My baby brother… you will never know how I loved you and you will never know just how much I wish I was never in love with you.

I can feel myself draining so I'll cut to the chase…

I wanted to protect, to give you all the happiness I never experienced because of memories I couldn't suppress. I… Gordon raped me, Bill. When I was fourteen he…"

Tom breaks out in sobs.

"He stole… everything that I had in one night. I'll never forget the… the pain he put me through. I hate this, Bill. This isn't a letter of self pity or an excuse… I just wish you could understand. Maybe you do. You wanted to know about my cuts and look what happened? I forced myself on you and Georg payed me back for it. Everyone is against me and the pain of the cuts won't make everything fade. I sound pathetic… maybe I am, maybe that's why he did it… because I am weak. I certainly feel weak.

I don't know how long it will take for you to find me. I wonder if you will cry at my death or think I got what I deserved. Knowing what you do now… would you have tried harder? Would you have recognised the signs and thought harder as the reasons why there were always bloody tissues even though you never saw me have a nose bleed? Would you have seen my puffy eyes in the dark and heard my sobs that I said were a cold?

Look at my scars for a minute, Bill, just look. There is one on my right hip like where your star is... can you see it? It says 'Bill'. There is a small one below my bellybutton, it says 'Filthy'.

I have lots of scars Bill. You are the thing that broke me though. When you said 'It's over' I knew what that meant. Everything we had… was gone.

Remember who kissed who though… and remember who climbed on top of whom.

All I ever wanted was for you to be happy… I only wanted you to love me back.

I'll say it one last time.

I love you, my beautiful baby brother."

Bill dropped the mobile to the floor.

xXx End Notes xXx

"Just take one last look before my body decays

This is my last night on earth

My fucking hell"

William Control - Beautiful Loser

Soo... this is the end.

A lot of people will probably ask why I wrote this, what possible reason could I have for writing such a depressing story?

The answer is simple.

I wanted to get across the fact the real people have real reasons for self harming and it isn't just 'emos' (please excuse the stereotype, not emos self harm, I know).

If more people could see the signs then maybe they wouldn't be so shocked when something worse than a small cut appears.

I am not suicide help line (as much as I sound like one) I am just a sixteen year old girl who has been dealing with cutters since she was eleven.

It's not cool to do it, it's no cleaver. People who attention seek are stupid. The problem is telling the difference between an attention seeker and someone who is making an unconscious plea for help.

If you think or know someone is harming themselves in any way, shape or form then talk to them about it and don't take stupid excuses.

Ok, that is Hoshi's rant for the day, now please review, hate mail me if you want because I killed Tomi, you knew this wasn't going to have a happy ending.

Hoshi xXx