Authoress' Notes: I'm going to Hell for this, I really am. BUT IT MUST BE DONE. This is basically a crackfic, and a test of... I dunno, something. Anywho, this is yet another NessxLucas fic, but before you say "EW, NON-SWORDSMAN YAOI" and click back, let's just say I don't think you'll be seeing any of that here. Why? Er, reading this may help. So... don't take this too seriously; open-mindedness is suggested.

Ness and Lucas' ages are will not be disclosed, as no matter how old they are, someone will complain. Please keep this in mind.


He Said, She Said

Chapter 1: The Undeniable Truth


"Normal", officially one of the worst ways to describe what was considered as such. Not one person, not one animal, not one thing in that place could ever take full advantage of this word. Ness didn't even consider himself normal; he was anything but. His friends weren't normal, his enemies weren't normal, and if you thought you were normal, then that officially proved your abnormality, as you were just flat-out crazy.

And yet, that's what everyone called nearly every day... Of course, they were wrong. And they'd continue to be wrong for as long as they could get away with it. But if there was one thing that was certain in those living quarters, from the battle-scarred walls, to the often-more-than-not urine-coated floor, it was that Lucas had to be the furthest from normal than anyone else.

And this wasn't something that was expected, it was complete and total opposite. Lucas used to be the one person who, due to his rationality, actually used to be as normal as anyone could be in such an… unnormal place. He didn't start things, he didn't finish them. When something was afoot, the fingers never pointed at him. If he was in charge of the whole tourney, all fights would consist of pillows and flowers. ...And maybe some cake. But that was long, long time ago.

...All right, it was just last month, but that was long enough to miss it.

Now, he was anything but normal. He'd become so fussy and fickle, always trying to see the end of things before they barely even started. Lucas was also more conscious of what was going on around him, not to mention he was much more jumpy. Well, he'd always been like that, but it was getting to the point now where Ness couldn't even play a joke on him without making him mad. He got ticked at the dumbest things, almost to the point where he started crying uncontrollably if he felt like it. Doing the slightest thing to him now either made him throw a fit or cry a river. Again, this was normal behavior for the most part, but it just happened way too often and was way too extreme. Lunchtime of this particular day was a prime example of this.

Everything was running along smoothly when Lucas had run out of chocolate milk. Ah, chocolate milk; a true treat to every child's palate. He'd simply drank of all of his and proceeded to fetch some more from the beverage table. Okay, nothing wrong with that. Unfortunately, he had such horrible luck at getting something edible with little or no trouble. He was just asking for it as he approached another carton of the delicious dairy product.

Of course, Ike charged out of freaking nowhere and snatched it away, ruthlessly jamming the little straw that came with it into the opening it provided. From the way Lucas was looking at him, it was almost as he'd just stabbed a life-long friend in the head with a rusty butter knife. Now, this was supposed to be the part where Lucas would sigh and go back over to his seat with plain old normal milk to mope...

But no. No, that was the final straw, especially since Ike was currently sucking up his milk outta it.

It started out simple. A small, pouty, "I had that first," from the blonde.

"Too bad, so sad," snorted Ike.

Well, that went over like a lead balloon. Cue crying? Nope. Instead, Lucas stepped closer to him, face marred into a frown. It would've actually looked intimidating had it been normal for him.

"I said, I... had that... first." Actually, he didn't say that; he growled it.

"So I heard." He crumpled up the now-empty milk carton and dropped it.

Crying time now? Lucas' eyes remained dry. Despite that, this was the straw that broke the camel's back. Lucas then stepped on said straw in his way over to Ike, who'd turn to leave. The psychic grabbed his cape and pulled on it with a tremendous amount of strength, sending him flying back into the table of sodas, juices, and drinks. Completely drenched, Ike quickly stood to tower over the boy, sword poised to teach him a lesson or two. Heck, maybe even three.

"You little twerp! You'll pay for that!"

That threat was oh-so-cliché, but what followed was just as unprecedented, as Lucas jammed an angry fist into his stomach, causing him to spew chocolate milk like some kind of chocolate milk fountain made to look like a swordsman. Again, he fell back over into the broken table and puddle of mixed beverages behind him.

Seeing Ike finally realize he wasn't screwing around, Lucas glowered at the fallen Smasher, then turned on his heel and left, an obvious chip on his shoulder.

Of course, Ness and a few others were the only ones to notice this. Who cared if a little kid just knocked out some dude with a huge sword? It happened all the time. So what?

As far as approximately 28 people were concerned, lunch went off without a hitch.

On the contrary, Lucas sometimes appeared gentler in his endeavors. Well, somewhat. It was more often than not Ness spotted him acting oddly coy and gushy. He'd occasionally show signs of giddy passion, latching onto and invading the personal space of anyone who didn't knock his block off, and if they did, he'd start bawling, exclaiming nobody loved him anymore. He wouldn't stop crying until consoled, and if consoled, there was a 68.3567% chance he'd get mad and tell everyone to piss off.

Speaking of which, their relationship in particular was on and off like a dying light bulb. Sometimes Lucas hovered around him like they were conjoined, while there were times he didn't even want to see his face. It happened so fast, all Ness could do was sit around and wait for him to either come back or storm off and sit in the bathroom for two or three hours. Lucas could get pissed at him for so much as blinking wrong, apologizing for it an average of half an hour later. Fortunately, his partner was a very understanding type... Baffled, but still understanding.

Hearsay about him was little, since there were a million and one things more interesting than his persona, but there was a small rumor going around that maybe he was going through a mental... thing. That had to be the oddest explanation Ness'd ever heard, but the only other reasons were that he was either bipolar or crazy. Yeah, Lucas could've easily been either; it made enough sense, but, at the same time, didn't. It was pretty much like what happened an hour after the chocolate milk incident, when Ness finally realized Lucas wasn't just not normal, he was… not right.

All he wanted to do was take a leak; pretty natural, if he said so himself. Approaching the men's bathroom, he remembered seeing Lucas angrily pacing around the door, walking around like he had his own wooden stick shoved up his ass. By the way he was waddling, it was obvious he had to go, but couldn't because someone bigger, stronger, and meaner was already in there. Sure enough, Wolf and Bowser soon made their way out, talking and laughing insidiously over the demise of their enemies. Ness ignored this and went in, hearing Lucas continue to shuffle and prance about like some sort of lunatic.

Once inside, he idly went over to a urinal and proceeded to do his business. It wasn't long before Lucas charged in, holding his pants and dancing like someone had set off a firecracker in his shorts. He groaned as he noticed Ness there, but his bladder couldn't take it anymore. Uttering some sort of grunt, he dashed into a stall, slamming the door behind him.

The other occupant thought nothing of this and continued relieving himself when the sound of said activity was mirrored by another echo of pouring liquid from inside the stall. Again, Ness would've thought nothing of this until he noticed there were, oh, about four free urinals around him. And Lucas was using a toilet... He respected preferences and all, but that was a little more than odd.

The moment couldn't have gotten any more awkward when the toilet flushed and Lucas emerged as fresh as a daisy. He tried his best to ignore Ness, going over to wash his hands, gaze fixated on the soap dispenser before him.

Finally, he could stand it no longer. "Lucas..."

He noticed his shoulders drop. "...What?"

"That's exactly what I wanna know. Maybe you missed it, but..." He looked to a nearby urinal, at which Lucas frowned.

"Well... I didn't feel like it."

Whu-? 'Didn't feel like it?' The hell? Due to circumstances way beyond his control, he kinda, sorta, well, had no choice! He couldn't just go in toilets whenever he felt like it! Okay, well, yeah, he could, but it was extremely unmanly and would get him pummeled had anyone else been in there. The frigging hell?

That's exactly what his puzzled expression incessantly asked as he continued to glare at Lucas.

"What?" He quickly cleaned his hands, shuffling about nervously. "WHAT?! What'd I do?!"

His question still unanswered, Ness overlooked his frantic ramblings with a twist of his mouth. As expected, Lucas instantly got offended/annoyed/his feelings hurt or whatever and, in a huff, made a hasty exit.

That happened earlier that day; Lucas had been irked at him ever since. But he'd be all sympathetic later on and try to appease him, despite him not even being mad. He didn't have time to worry about that anyway, as the duties of a Smasher were ever-demanding. Dodging a Ray Gun thrown in desperation by Lucario, he set the Pokémon ablaze with PK Fire, running off as his partner spammed him to death. He was in the middle of a fight, a Team Battle actually, against Diddy and Lucario, his partner being the ever-perky Pit. Apparently, the theme was "Kids vs. Animals" in Onett, a stage reminiscent of a town that he personally knew harbored many of both. How swell.

He'd just knocked out Diddy with a well-placed Gooey Bomb to the head, adding a point to their team. Unfortunately, the battle had turned in their favor so much, it wasn't really even a challenge anymore. That's probably why he was recalling all this stuff about Lucas and not really paying attention to—Aw crap, a car. Pretty funny how you could always get hit by those damn things while you were clearly standing on the side of the road. The view from being hurdled into oblivion sure was nice today. The mind-numbing pain of defeat did little to deter him from taking in the abnormally happy, blue sky. The way they got it to look just like it did back home creeped him out.


Back in their room, Lucas stepped out of the shower, feeling recharged and refurbished. It was just what he needed to flush away the worries that had been plaguing him so. It'd been a long, hard day and he was more than ready to have it end. He didn't know why, but for the last few weeks, he'd been feeling so... drained. His psychic powers were on the fritz, he felt weakened for no reason, and nothing seemed to be going his way. Not to mention, he was surround by blathering idiots who spent more time bashing each other's brains out than wondering why they were doing it. The dopes...

This wouldn't have seemed so bad had it not felt like they were all out to get him. And that's exactly why he kept going off on everyone. Yes, they knew he'd been acting a bit strange lately, but did they do anything about it? NO. If they'd stop acting like a bunch of hypocritical idiots and actually try to comfort him, give him a pat on the back, or reassure him, maybe, just maybe, he'd be a little nicer. But, no. No, nothing; nobody cared. They did nothing. NOT A THING! As long as he didn't drop dead, they didn't give a crap. Well, maybe he didn't give a crap either, so there!

...He took a deep breath, not waiting the earlier stress of the day to come back. Still a little irked, he squinted at the digital clock sitting on the nightstand. It read 6:25 pm, a relatively early time to go to bed, but he didn't care. If they wanted him to fight, screw it; he was officially AWOL until further notice.

His frustration vented, Lucas' mood shifted once more. Now he felt lonely. Alone in their room for once, the blonde noted Ness wasn't there to grace their living quarters. He wouldn't be back for some time, either. Just his luck... He was off fighting, then he'd probably go take on some challenges, and finish by blowing all his Smash Coins on some trophies. Knowing how competitive he was, that'd take hours. Great, now he was lonely and depressed. Whatever. The sooner he went to bed, the sooner this whole thing would blow over.

Still indecent, he walked out of the bathroom, towel-clad. For some reason, he couldn't seem to find his pajamas. He usually got dressed in the bathroom, but since Ness was gone, he was free to fool around a bit. Unfortunately, this "fooling around" was cut short, as he couldn't seem to locate his night clothes.

After not seeing them on his bed where he thought he left them, he began to search the room. He searched the dressers, floor, chairs, everywhere they might've been. He was just about to start pointing fingers at the likes of Wario and Bowser for sabotaging the laundry again when he realized he'd left them in the bathroom.

Retreating to the indoor lavatory, he huffed, only finding the top to the two-piece sleeping clothes. Putting it on, he continued searching the room for his lower half. Exiting once more, he suddenly caught sight of the missing shorts, knocked off his bed's pillow and in a heap on the floor next to the nearby nightstand. Sighing at this, he was about to go over when the door slammed open, thanks to a ruffled-looking Ness.

"Aah!" He huddled together in the corner. "Ness! W-what're you d-doing back so soon? I thought you were fighting!"

His roommate scratched his head in annoyance. "I was, but things got outta hand when Pit kept spamming attacks. Guy ruined the whole thing..."

"Oh..." He cleared his throat, unable to think of a better response Ness cocked his head. He ended up asking a question before he could stop himself.

"Uh, hitting the hay a little early, aren'tcha?" Great, that was probably gonna make him mad.

He rubbed his head. "...I really need the sleep. Just... I don't want to talk about it. You understand, right?"

"Oh. Uh, sure. I guess..."

Shaking it off, he promptly went over to flop on his bed and proceeded to surf through channels on the TV. Lucas winced, seeing as he was in more than a bit of a predicament. He glanced in forlorn at his pajamas taunting him from the side of his bed. They were easy enough to go over and grab... Well, it would've been, if Ness wasn't staring lifelessly at the flickering hypnotics of the TV. In order to get his bottom half, he had to pass the other psychic's vision, which, in his current state, was completely out of the question.

Nervously looking back from him to his shorts, he cleared his throat. "Uh, Ness? ...You mind turning around for a minute? I need to, um... I'm not entirely decent..."

Ness glanced at him from the corner of his eye. "I'm not looking. Go on and change."

He scoffed. "But... but I... Well, c-can you hand me my stuff? Please? It's right there..."

"Lucas, it's not like I'm exactly staring holes into you. I swear, I'm not looking."

"But you're right next to it... Just... toss it here? ...Please?"

"I thought you were gonna get it."

"Well! You won't turn around, and I can't get it like this...!"

"...Then, you're not gonna get it?"

Lip poked out, he stomped his foot. "Mmmmm!"

There it was. His little way of saying, 'I'm quite peeved at you', something that was pretty much anticipated at that point. At this, the other boy smirked. Seeing him make such a fuss amused Ness to no end.

Annoyed, he anxiously searched for something, anything to cover himself in that 2.8 second stroll to fetch his shorts. Ness continued to eye him, half-laughing, half-scoffing at his insecurity. He liked toying with him, seeing him jitter and shudder when the slightest thing didn't go his way. Both of them knew this very well; even with this little mood swing thing of his, Lucas was still fun to pick on... albeit the often disastrous results.

Lucas sighed as he found his nearby discarded towel as saving grace. Wrapping it around his waist, he emerged from huddling in the corner, quickly scurrying over to fetch his pajama shorts. It was noted he still had an annoyed little pout on his lips, something Ness found to make him look, well... kinda cute. Of course, he wouldn't say that; that'd probably only make him madder.

In his huff, he didn't notice Ness had lazily tossed his baseball bat aside, the handle barely making its presence known from underneath the blonde's bed. Fortunately, he managed to step over it. His shorts retrieved, he was ready to go change in the bathroom when Pit stormed in.

"Hey, Ness! Think fast!" he playfully challenged, shooting an arrow into the room.

Not aimed at anything in particular, the shot zoomed past Lucas, inches from his face, going up in a curve about two feet from where Ness once sat. The keyword there was "once", as he'd long catapulted off the bed and was now standing at the angel's side.

"Wow, that was terrible," he scoffed. "Your game is off. No wonder you kept spamming."

"You're just mad I got so many more points than you."

Ness turned his nose up, unable retort with what was the truth.

On the other hand, a startled Lucas had stumbled backwards and slipped on the handle of Ness' bat, tumbling back with a squeal. In a panic, he flailed about, throwing his towel across the room in a fevered attempt to grab something. Unable to find it, gravity sent him plummeting into the floor.

"Ooh, sorry," apologized Pit, wincing as he made contact with the ground. "Didn't see you there."

He was on his way over to help him up when suddenly stopped and frowned. Ness accompanied him, more than ready for the floored boy to throw a fit at both of them for their carelessness.

"You oka-" He stopped, face falling. Now he could see why Pit was frowning.

"Ow..." Lucas groaned, sitting up to rub his backside. "Yeah, I'm fine. I..." He noticed the two staring. "...What?"

A frown and then a heavy blush came across Ness' face as his mind scrambled to make some explanation of this... this... whatever it was. Oh, he knew full well what it was; it was just... pretty mind-blowing. And unnatural. Okay, well, it was natural, but not in this situation. Dumbfounded, Pit kept staring, unblinking.

He felt so immoral continuing to stare, but looking away wasn't an option. He wasn't sure whether it was shock, intrigue, or confusion, but the feeling needed no explaining. This was good, since what he saw needed more explaining than anything he'd previously come across. It was right then and there he finally realized why Lucas had become so sensitive lately, why he didn't use the urinal, and why he didn't want him to see his nether regions.

...Or, to be more precise, her nether regions.


Authoress' Notes: Be honest; how many of you are frowning right now? :)