TIMELINE: after Bella's birthday in New Moon
LENGTH: 1063 words
DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I'm only borrowing these characters from Stephenie Meyer.
Cross posted: jasperalice, pixie_soldier, , , my LJ
DEDICATION: to siber- IVU baby!
Stillness. It still strikes me when I open my eyes from my meditation. I don't know why the stillness of the house still surprises me, even though I've been one of the still ones for decades. The stillness and quiet in the house, even in the dark of night, is often haunting.
I look over to the window and see him standing in the moonlight, his stillness eerie even to me. The light shining in from the full moon washes over his skin and illuminates the room with a soft glow. His arms are crossed and I take a long minute to drink in his nude form. His tousled hair is as still and silent as his body and I long for him beside me in our bed.
I know he knows I'm staring and I know he feels how much I adore him. He is my everything.
He's everything I waited so very long for. He's the first vision I ever had that made sense.
He's the first vision I ever held onto; the only one I ever wanted.
He's the one I clung to in the darkness of my nights, in the loneliness of my existence. When the solitude was too much to bear, when the lack of answers hurt too much, when I didn't know my place in the world or reason for my presence in it, I would check on him. I would see him drinking, killing, just as sad as me. I would see him drowning in the depth of his emotions, in the depth of everyone's emotions, and it would revive me, it would give me purpose; it told me my place. It gave me the strength to wait and it magnified my love for him.
I stand achingly slowly and stretch before moving quickly toward him. I slide my arms around him and press myself against his backside. His arms slip down to curl around mine and take my hands. I kiss his back softly.
"It's not your fault, Jazz," I murmur and he stiffens a little. He hurts himself so much with his own expectations and rules and it makes me wish I'd found him sooner. It makes me mad that I couldn't locate him sooner than I did, even for as much as I tried. If I'd found him sooner, he'd feel stronger now, not having been alone so long, not having been feeding so recently on humans, not trying to drown his pain and theirs.
"Alice," he says calmly, "there's nothing you should feel guilty for. You didn't nearly kill someone tonight."
"Neither did you," I state and I feel his body tense. I see him decide to walk away from me and in the next split second, decide to stay. "You didn't. You wouldn't have."
"Wouldn't I? Don't I want to every single second of every single day and night?"
"We all do," I whisper softly and rise up on my tip toes to kiss his shoulder. "We all do, Jazz, but we're not letting it control our-"
"Look at you!" He growls and yanks himself out of my grasp harshly. "Look at you!"
"Jasper," I start to protest but he turns away and grabs his pants. Suddenly I flash to him running through the woods, over mountains and- "Jazz, no, please," I whimper, feeling my knees buckling. "Don't leave me."
"Alice, look at you," he says quietly and I glance down at myself to the new bite marks that decorate my chest and the handprints that adorn my arms. "Do you know how much force it takes to bruise a-"
I'm over to him before he can finish the statement, covering his mouth with my fingers to quiet him. "Please don't do this; I'm hardly a breakable human and I believe I've left quite a few marks on you in the past and-"
"But that was fun, Alice. That was consensual and-"
"And this wasn't?" If my heart could beat, it'd be breaking for him, that he thinks I didn't know what he needed, what he wanted of me, when I went to find him after leaving Bella tonight with Carlisle. "I can see the future, remember, Jazz? I came looking for you to help you. That's what you do for your soul."
He turns his head away but I grab his chin and force him to look at me. "Jasper Whitlock, you do not have permission to make me part of your pain, you hear me? You needed me and you can have any part of me."
"I could have- if I couldn't have got myself under control, I could have killed you, Alice," he whispers softly. "I would have killed her, if Edward hadn't-"
The second I hear his name, I flash to- "Nooo," I whimper softly and he catches me as I fall to the ground.
"Alice, Love, what is it?"
"We're leaving," I murmur into his neck as he wraps his arms around me. "We're leaving, Jazz."
It's not the way it's supposed to be. It's not the future I see.
"We should, Love. It's not safe for her to be near us and-"
"NO," I shout. "No, Jasper. She's going to be one of us. She's supposed to be my sister. She's… my friend."
"And I might have killed her tonight, Alice."
Sadness infects the stillness around us as he holds me tightly to him. It invades my thoughts and my quiet heart as I watch decisions being made about where we'll go and how Bella will be told and what will happen. I cling tighter to his silent body.
"How… how can he leave her like this?" I wonder after I feel waves of assurance gliding over me, caressing my skin. "How… how do you abandon your soul?"
His lips say nothing, but the intense feelings of love and devotion radiating from him seep into my body and calm me; soothe me in the same way that my visions of him always did.
"Jazz?" I ask as he cradles me closer to him still.
"Yes, Alice?" he replies and kisses my forehead softly.
"Don't ever leave me."
"Never, ma'am," is his response. "You are my soul."
I allow him to soothe my sadness and fill my sorrow with his love as we become part of the stillness of the house for one final night.