After The Exertions Of The Last Book (Which I Never Read): A One-Shot And Not-So-Alternate Universe; Expect Gore At Any Moment And Have Nightmares After Reading Kthx

by Matthew Chan

"The best fanfic since Harry Potter!" – The New York Times

WARNING: If you haven't read Twilight before, this one-shot will totally be lost on you, dude. Here's what you need to know to fully appreciate the significance and cosmic literary value of this story:

1. Edward Cullen is a vampire.

2. Bella is not.

3. They like each other.

4. Along the way they fight ostracism, a menagerie of weird supernatural monsters, and Edward's increasing tendency to get venereal diseases with every human or animal he sinks his fangs into.

5. They obviously succeed in all their goals (Edward tested negative for syphilis in Book 9), since the canon was made with idealistic tween girls and royalties in mind.

6. Bella marries Edward.

7. They have sex.

8. They have a baby.

THERE! Now you can continue/start reading the story! ENJOY.

After the exertions of the last book, we drove home in silence (if we had done so already). I looked pointedly ahead of me, hardly daring to look at the very embodiment of perfection whom I was happily married to. In the back seat, our little bundle of joy, Mary Sue Cullen, nestled contentedly in a few crimson red sheets – Edward's choice.

And then – he suddenly swooped over and gave me a peck on the cheek. A split second later it was over, and he was back at the steering wheel, immovable, steely.

"I told you to stop doing that," I muttered in sudden annoyance. It had been fine and dandy the first few million times, but then he had been overstepping the limits in the past few days. Just the other night I had woken up in the middle of night to find myself lying on a chimney with a few garments scattered all over the roof, Edward bending over me with fire in his eyes. "It's embarrassing, Edward, the neighbours may see."

"Since when did you ever care about the neighbours, Bella." He spat that last word in frustration. I kept silent. Truth was, I was beginning to tire of him. The Facebook jokes had been all fine and dandy ("Edward Cullen wants to turn you into a Vampire. Accept / Decline?") but it wasn't nice to have to make those hunting trips with Edward every month, and Edward always forced me to eat the remains of whatever deblooded animal he had chosen that day ("Don't waste food, hon, children in Africa…"), and it wasn't as if he ate anything normal, like chicken or fish. My mouth was still reeking of grizzly from the previous week.

"Well, now that we have Mary Sue," I motioned to the backseat – Mary Sue growled at me – "I mean, don't we want her to have the most normal childhood ever? Don't we want her to grow up without thinking her parents are freakshows? Parent, anyway."

Edward turned to me, letting go of the steering wheel, and the Toyota Prius (new and improved, with MINIMAL energy consumption! Find out more at .com NOW!) screeched to a halt. "That would have been fine and dandy if Mary Sue has any blood (geddit?) relation to me, Bella. I wish I had that faith in you."

"You – what?" I attempted to look indignant. "How could you ever suspect – Edward Cullen!" I dashed out of the car to hide my guilty countenance, but I had barely gotten anywhere before Edward's hitherto admired strong steely forearms grabbed me from behind. With his left hand he held both my hands in a ironclad grip, and with the other hand he covered my mouth and stopped my scream.

"Stopfklgfksdg! Edwardefjsdklgn! STOPefnsjgnfjnfjg!" I mumbled from underneath his hand, trying to wriggle out of his vampiric arms.

"You used to like it when I did this to you, Bella, used to writhe about in amusement," Edward brazenly whispered in my ear. "WHAT HAS HAPPENED? WHO IS THE THIRD PARTY!" He let go of me at this point (because mumbly text is pretty troublesome to type and hard to read).

"Oh, don't be silly, Edward! I love you! How could you suspect that Mary Sue isn't yours?"

"Oh, maybe for the fact that Mary Sue not only has no affinity for blood like any vampire's child would have, or maybe for the fact that Mary Sue has slightly wolflike ears, or maybe for the fact that Mary Sue starts growling when the full moon comes out?"

"Radiation!" I justified as calmly as I could. "Oh come on Edward, look at all the factories near our house, we live in an industrial estate for Go –"

"Maybe for the fact that you come home late every night from your alleged job, but always fail to produce a paycheck?" Edward continued, silvery tears dripping down his rock-hard cheekbones. (ooh look, descriptive adjectives! Go me!) "Maybe for the fact that there's fur on your clothes every single night?"

"The carpet in my office, I fall down every day for no inexplicable reason, now listen please – "

"Or maybe for the fact that just last night I trailed you to the café and saw you in the arms of what appeared to be a big furry wolf?"

"Oh, it's just - oh. Shit."

"Yeah. Shit," Edward spat something in my eye – it was grizzly blood, but I was too ashamed to do anything about it. Truth was, there was no love between Edward and I anymore. It was a one-sided affair at best, and Edward's love was now more possessive than romantic. I got into a relationship with him being the submissive party, always awed at his beauty and immense strength, but after we got married and his fangirls left, it was evidently him who started craving for my attention, attempting to wow me with his bloodsucking anecdotes, bicep tricks or age-old knock-knock jokes from a perpetually dusty black book he always carried around with him. "So, what do you have to say, Bella? But maybe I won't give you that option." He pulled me close to him again, and opened his mouth. For the first time his fangs featured prominently, and also his bad breath – he never brushed his teeth, and there had to be a zoo of blood stuck in between his molars. I almost gagged, but tried to disguise that as a seductive cough.

"Oh, no, Bella, we're not kissing. Not today. Not tomorrow, not ever." He opened his mouth wider, but directed it not at my lips, but at my left shoulder.

In that instant I realized what he was about to do, and in that instant someone shouted from behind.

"STOP!"

It was Jacob Black, the guy who had had a crush on me the moment he had met me, way back in Book 1. I must say that this was very useful in many aspects – he being a used car salesman meant that I had access to a new old car every day, though my favourite was of course the brilliant Toyota Prius (Tired of your old Nissan? Well, we have something much better! Check out .com for more!).

Jacob dashed over to where Edward and I were, with the sole intent of biting a whole chunk out of Edward Cullen, perhaps more. Edward was well-prepared, however – a deft uppercut sent Jacob flying back, as he landed on the road with a loud thump. I screamed.

"Heartbroken, Bella? Save your lover if you can." Before I could stop him, Edward flew over with both arms outstretched, aiming for Jacob's jugular. Yet, in the air, Edward collapsed onto the ground, suddenly looking drained and weak.

"Shit! Out of mana!" Edward cursed a few more times with vehemence, before continuing to run at a much slower pace towards Jacob, who was precariously lying near the edge of a cliff I never told you was there. I feared for Jacob, and I had a suspicion that Edward would emerge from this victorious, and give me hell at home for it.

Yet I had not counted on the moon. At the very moment Edward got to Jacob, there was a mysterious and very dramatic thunderclap, and the clouds receded in a totally unrelated movement, revealing the roundest and fullest moon I have ever seen. Mary Sue in the car started to growl loudly, but my eyes were fixed on Jacob, as little hairs started to grow from his skin, and his ears extended to form those of a wolf's. It was exactly like the Animorphs rerun I had caught with Mary Sue just the previous night. As Edward sunk his fake fingernail into Jacob's throat, Jacob gave a deafening roar, and grabbed Edward with strong hairy arms, before rolling off the cliff in a momentously heroic, and retrospectively stupid m0ve, dragging Edward down with him.

I heard two roars of anguish – one hoarse and wolflike, the other high-pitched. Ten seconds later were the splats, both at exactly the same time. Galileo had been right.

Oh well.

I turned back to the car, where Mary Sue continued to growl in a low voice not befitting her tender age. Or so it seemed. I carried her out, and placed her on the road.

"It's over, he's dead."

One last triumphant growl, and suddenly Mary Sue wasn't Mary Sue anymore. In the second Animorph-like transformation I had witnessed that evening, I watched calmly as my "child" turned into a large wolf, who instantly gave me a peck on the cheek.

"Thank goodness, it was getting claustrophobic in the cradle and everything," remarked the wolf. "But, oh Bella, you know I'd do anything for you."

"Well, it's over now, Remus," I replied sweetly. "We're finally to love each other in the open now, with no pesky vampire or prepubescent werewolves to bother us."

"Indeed. Bella, are you hungry? Let's go have burgers and chips. I haven't had anything but porridge and sodium-free baby crackers in like ages."

And thus Remus and I walked off from the scene, back up the road, hand in paw. It had been a long day.