10 Repressed Anger
AN: Bobby is not in a wheelchair in this fic.
Thanks to Bitten for help and beta on this fic, also ... some one else.. shit, who? PS? I think I forget how to remember. OMG I'm so bad! Sorry *hangs head in shame*
"Where was I?" Dean asked, his voice deeper than ever. It was oddly sexy, the soft deadliness of it comforted me, and I snuggled closer. He shifted slightly and got a better grip on me. I sighed and closed my eyes. Dean was pissed at Cas, I could tell by how tight his body was and by the tone of his voice. He didn't like Castiel questioning him. It wasn't so much about him not being there, it was about what he was doing. Who he was with. Dean had been off with Sam while I was attacked under his watch.
"Yes, Dean, that is what I asked. Claire was attacked by a demon while you ran around with Satan's little helper, doing who knows what."
I can't be believe that Cas went there. He must be even more pissed than I thought. Dean tensed even more and I know if he hadn't been holding me, he would have lunged for Cas. "You better watch it..."
"Or what, Dean? You going shoot me? I won't die, but it would piss me off. But a demon would kill her easily." I opened my eyes and watched as Cas shook his head in disgust. "I do not know where the break down in understanding is for you. It is your job, your duty and your privilege to protect Claire, protect the light. Without her, Dean, everything goes to hell. All of it! Are you so willing to risk the world for your brother?"
"She was here with Bobby," Dean said in defense but I could tell that Dean knew that Cas had made a very valid point.
Castiel scoffed, "She's not Bobby's responsibility."
For years, Bobby fought the good fight. Stood up against evil, battled it, wallowed in it. He lost everything to it, still, he presses on, doing what he can for the cause. Because Dean asked him too. Bobby is a rock, but there are somethings he can't do.
"She was alone until a few days ago!" Dean reasoned, "Why is her life in so much more danger now?"
"Because of you." Cas said simply, "Because she met you. Things are finally falling into place for our side, do you really want to screw that up?" He didn't even give Dean a chance to answer, "Have you not already done enough to bring about the end of the world? WHY won't you listen to me?"
Dean let out a bitter laugh, "Listen to you? Do I have a choice? You pull us from our grave, throw us together and inform us that we need to..."
"Careful what you say, Dean." Castiel warned, "Words can cut as deep as a blade." Then he disappeared with a gust of wind.
Dean roared a curse and I flinched. Suddenly, Dean's arms didn't feel so warm. I wiggled down and took a step toward the stairs. My legs felt like rubber and as much as I tried to deny it, my world tilted briefly. I tripped on the first step, cursed and tried again. Dean reached to help me but I didn't want his help. I didn't want to need his help. I was sick of being weak, sick of being scared. I couldn't remember the last time I truly felt safe for any length of time. Dean's arms provided a small reprieve, but not for long. No, reality always came rushing back, more vivid and painful than before.
"Claire?" Dean grabbed my arm, not hard, but with enough force to let me know that I couldn't get away. "What happened?"
Squeezing my eyes shut once more, I shook my head and sighed. "I just took a walk. I wanted to clear my head, get away from it all for a while." I looked at Dean and felt my chin quiver as a single tear fell. "There was a woman and then ... pain. My head, oh, God," I let out a choked sob, "I thought, it felt..."
"Like your tumor was back," Bobby finished for me. I had forgotten others were in the room.
"Yeah. It all came back, fuck it was so real. The pain, blurred vision. I couldn't think and I was so scared...he promised me!"
"Who promised you what?" Dean asked, confusion in his voice.
"Castiel. He promised that I would never have to go through that again. He said he'd keep me safe, that you'd keep me safe." It was all too much, my knees gave out and I sat down hard on the steps. How had the demon known exactly how to hurt me? Had they been watching me, or could they read my mind? I didn't know which was more disconcerting. The coldness came back full force as I started to shut down. It was all too much. I just wanted heat, I was so very cold.
I stood, with Dean's help, and after finding my footing, slowly started to make my way upstairs. Dean tried to follow me, but I just wanted to be alone. I couldn't deal with looking into his green eyes and seeing sympathy for me, seeing pain. I didn't want to blame him for all of this and I was having a hard time not doing just that.
I knew it wasn't his fault, it was fated. Well, fate was a royal bitch and I'd about had enough of her. The moment I closed my bedroom door, the tears came and I allowed it.
Deep, wrenching sobs racked my body. The pain of dying so fresh in my mind, the pain of living now and loving those I couldn't touch. Why didn't God or Castiel or the angels, someone, take away the memories of my past life? It would be so much easier if I didn't remember.
The scent of my Mother's shampoo, Dad's aftershave. Cinnamon buns on Sundays. Sometimes it felt like just yesterday, and others, the lifetime ago it had been. I missed my parents more than ever. Each day I felt their loss more and more. I wanted nothing more than to get in my car and drive. Leave it all behind and just go. Then I would think of Dean. Of his sad eyes and the pain in his heart. Of his nightmares that kept us both awake at night and I knew, no matter what, I couldn't go. I couldn't leave him.
I hadn't known him long, a few days really, but he was a part of me. I didn't understand it, couldn't begin to wrap my brain around it. Soul mates, that's what Castiel had said. Maybe it was true, all I knew was I couldn't imagine my life without Dean in it. And choosing life with Dean meant angels and demons. Heaven, hell, blood and guts. Tears and pain.
Fantastic. I must thank the three fates, should I ever meet them. The bitches.
I was stuck in this life now, deep in the shit that was swirling all around. The epic battle between heaven and hell. Good and evil. Hope and emptiness. The thing was, how can you save the world when you were too broken to feel?
The only thing left inside of Dean was repressed anger and unrelenting pain.
I made it to the bathroom and finally found the strength to run a bath. When I sank down in the hot tub, I sighed and if I had any tears left, would have cried. The water felt blissful and it eased some of the residual headache that lingered. I didn't know if it was from stress or from having a demon crawling around in my skull, either way, it was an experience I wished never to repeat.
Now that the crying was done, I felt numb and empty. How was I to go on now? To what end? Was I nothing more than a brood mare? Was that the only reason I was born in the first place? Had my original life been nothing more than a prelude to this one? Was it really fated that my parents lose their only child so young? Who decided that kind of thing and why? God? Well, if that was the case, then what the fuck?
Castiel had said that no matter what anyone did, Sam would turn evil and someone had to stop him. At first I thought it was Dean but that didn't explain me. Now I know better. Now I know it was supposed to be my child that fought Sam. My child! Why would I willingly bring a child into this apocalyptic world knowing that was his or her fate?
How could I stand back and watch my child put their life at risk, even to save the world? How could they ask that of me? Of Dean. How could I ask that of Dean?
Nothing made sense anymore. Black and white became grayer by the minute. I didn't want to do this, not like this. I had always wanted to marry for love and have children out of that love.
Dean didn't love me and in truth, I didn't really love him, not yet, not like I had always wanted. I didn't know him. He didn't know himself. Are we supposed to take everyone's word and just go for it? Trust in God? The same God that fucked our lives up to begin with? The one that allowed the apocalypse to happen in the first place?
Free will and fate? How could they go hand in hand? Didn't each cancel the other out?
For the fate of the world, Claire, you will do as you must.
It was Castiel's voice in my head once more. Directing me on someone else's path. Showing me the way I was to go, the way I was fated to go. I sighed, I was too weak to try and push him out. I just whispered, "Go away," and fell asleep in the tub.
I jerked awake as the world shifted around me. Cold air hit me hard and I began to shiver violently.
"I swear to God, Claire! Are you trying to die? You could have drowned. As if demons weren't enough to worry about. I come up her to find you shivering in the tub. Naked, again! Damn, woman, don't you ever wear clothes?"
Dean, ranting at me again. There was an underlying fear in his voice that he failed to mask completely. He was right though, I somehow always ended up naked around him, not really sure how. It was never really intentional, ok, once, but Castiel made it very clear on the rules. Being in the buff all the time greatly increased the chance of some carnal sin. I could've used some right then, as I was sure could Dean, but copulation was not an option. Not yet at least. Not until we were married in the eyes of the Lord.
I just didn't see that happening any time soon.
I laughed and sighed, "I'm tired, Dean."
"I know, Honey." He said as he laid me down on the bed.
"How do you do this every day? For years?"
"Don't have a choice. You just keep going, keep on pushin' on. It's all we can do."
"I'm scared, Dean. Afraid of everything anymore. I was never like that, before. Now, I look at someone and wonder what they are, what do they want? Are they here to kill me? Possess me? I hate this life. I hate living like this."
"You'll get used to it."
I scoffed at that. Maybe that's what I'm afraid of. Getting used to evil, waking up every day knowing it could very well be my last. Dean's last. My child's last. How in the hell did I get this gig?
"How do you get used to everyone from heaven and hell gunning for you? And why would you want too?"
"You never really get used to it, Claire, you just find a few people to cover your ass."
I grinned up at Dean, "Do you have my ass?"
I watched as his eyes changed, turned bright, "Oh, I'd love to have your ass, anytime."
We both smiled at each other and Dean kissed me gently on the lips. "How do you know, how can you tell which ones are demons?"
Dean shrugged, "Sammy can feel them, like radar or something. I just kinda assume that everyone is a piece of shit and is out to kill me. It's been worse since this whole end of the world thing."
"What about me, Dean? Will I ever learn to see them? Do I want too?"
"Claire, I hope you never have to deal with one again. I'm sorry... I should have... I wasn't there. I should have been."
"It's ok, Dean."
"No, no. Cas is right. This is bigger than me, bigger than Sammy. I just... I don't know what to do."
I cupped the back of Dean's neck and pulled him down to me. When our lips met, we both sighed. Dean shifted toward me as his hands slid under the sheet and cupped my breast. I groaned and arched trying to give him better access. I needed him, this, I wanted to feel him inside of me, alive and hot. I fumbled with Dean's many shirts, lifting and digging trying to get to his hot skin. When I finally clawed my way to his flesh, I splayed my hand wide and stroked the smooth, golden skin.
I knew how he died, saw it, but his chest and back was perfection. Not a scar, only Castiel's hand print and his protection tattoo.
He kissed me again, but this time with more heat and scooted us into the middle of the bed. "Dean," I moaned and a second later screamed at the top of my lungs.
Where there was once calming warmth, now burned like hellfire. No, not hellfire, angelfire. When I could breath again, I open my eyes and find Castiel standing over top of us with his hand pressed to my chest.
"Dammit, Castiel," Dean growled and shoved Castiel's hand away.
"She needs to be hidden." Castiel stated flatly, like he had just interrupted us at afternoon tea, not getting ready to shag.
"Yeah, but it only works for angels, right? It was a demon that found her!"
"Good point, still, we can't be too safe," he said with a raised brow, "Can we? Put some clothes on, Claire."
I groaned and flopped back onto my pillow and jumped back up again a split second later when the door burst open and Sam and Bobby stood there with shotguns at the ready.
"Christ, I'm never gonna get laid," I muttered and sighed as Dean and I started laughing our asses off. I was beyond the point of being embarrassed anymore. Sam, Dean and Castiel all had seen me in the buff already, so why bother trying to be modest.
"Not until you're married, Claire," Castiel stated coolly.
"Yes, Daddy," I howled. "Maybe we could just make it a shotgun wedding. We got the guns at the ready."
"As you wish," Cas said and started speaking in Latin. He spoke words and touched both Dean and me on the forehead.
"Wait," Dean said and tried to slap Castiel's arm away but he didn't budge, couldn't move from under Castiel's hand. Neither could I.
We were frozen in place as Castiel chanted over us. Beautiful words that neither Dean or I were ready to say. Could he, God, marry us with out our say-so? They did pull us back to the world of the living without our consent, so, why not I guess.
"Cas," Dean growled as we both tried to struggle, but it was futile. There was no breaking Castiel's hold.
"Shh," he hissed at Dean and took up his chant once more.
"Castiel, you can't just marry us without our consent," Dean said, his eyes bright green with panic. He glanced at me and I couldn't stop the tear that slipped past my lashes. This was so not the way I had imagined my wedding day. For one, I expected to be dressed. In a church, perhaps. Not one of my childhood dreams ever came true. Not one.
"I have my Father's consent, that is all that is required." Castiel stepped back and bowed, "You are now husband and wife in the eyes of the Lord. Feel free to copulate all you wish now. Get working on that baby before any more demons manage to get their hands on Claire."
Then he was gone once more. All four of us left just stood or sat there and blinked in disbelief.
"What ever happened to free will?" Bobby grumbled and shook his head.
Dean and I just looked at each other and knew, we never had any. He took my hand and gave it a squeeze, trying to reassure me.
"Guess it went out the window when the shit hit the fan. Congratulations, guys," Sam said with a smile and as he turned to leave, his eyes flashed yellow.
This time, Bobby saw it because Dean and I watched as all the color drained from his face.