Disclaimer: How nice would it be to own the host club? Sadly, though, I do not.

Hey yo! It's Mika-chan! And it's my first OHSHS fanfic! I started this before rehearsal for THE CRUCIBLE started and I had to stop writing it....but I finished it last night! And here it is! Let the deadly tale begin!

One could never say that nothing exciting happened in the host club at Ouran Private High. The Hitachiin twins were always causing some sort of chaos and Tamaki was sure to be complaining about something or other. Some days, however, didn't have as much chaos as others.

Fujoika Haruhi was in the clubroom, studying for a Japanese test, when a loud explosion sounded from somewhere. This, however, didn't worry her in the least. Kaoru and Hikaru were known for making mischief and loud explosions were sometimes involved in the process. It did worry her, however, when Tamaki stormed into the room, causing the door he had come through to fall off its hinges, and yelled, "Meeting right NOW!"

At once, Mori and Hunny came dashing onto the scene. Well, Mori came dashing. The tiny Hunny was riding on the taller teen's shoulders. Hikaru and Kaoru ambled into the room, both looking rather annoyed by the summons and Kyouya walked in, clipboard in hand.

"What is it, tono?" Hikaru asked.

"Something horrible has come to my attention." Tamaki said in an obviously dramatic voice.

"We've run out of pocky?" Hunny looked simply mortified.

"The school's blowing up in thirty seconds?" Kaoru asked.

"Kyouya's moving to Jamaica?" Hikaru asked.

"That's completely ridiculous." Haruhi rolled her eyes.

"No!" Tamaki yelled at the top of his lungs.

"What is it then?" Mori asked in his mysterious voice.

"The relationships in the host club have gotten ridiculous." Tamaki said firmly.

The members of the infamous host club stared blankly at Tamaki. What relationships? Wasn't the whole point of the host club to entertain ladies with too much time on their hands? Unless Tamaki was referring to the relationships between the host members…

"What are you talking about?" Kaoru and Hikaru spoke together.

"Mori-senpai and Hunny-senpai are always…flaunting their relationship." Tamaki said, trying to ignore the scritch-scratching from Kyouya's pencil.

"When no one else is around…" Mori said under his breath.

"And Hikaru and Haruhi aren't helping matters." Tamaki glared at the two in question.

"It's not when customers are around." Hikaru said.

"I don't see what the problem is." Haruhi said with a look of confusion on her face.

"You all are in the host club!" Tamaki shouted, making everyone jump. "You shouldn't be doing this anyway!"

"Look, as long as it doesn't interfere with club business, I don't see why we can't have real relationships." Hikaru said with a trace of agitation in his voice.

"Oka-san," Tamaki looked to Kyouya for assistance in proving his point, "tell them to listen to me!"

"While I may have no idea what your argument is, otou-san, I have concluded that it is most likely ridiculous and will not, therefore, agree to prove your point."

The rest of the host club stared at Kyouya with a look of sheer dumbness. Why did everything Kyouya said have to sound complex?

"Oka-san!" Tamaki cried.

"This is ridiculous, senpai." Haruhi said.

"It most certainly is not, Haruhi!" Tamaki exclaimed.

"Are you still mad that Hikaru got to Haru-chan before you did?" Hunny asked.

"Of course not!" Tamaki yelled, which was a clear answer to everyone. "But I want everyone to at least tone down the relationships."

"That's a pretty tall order, tono." Kaoru said, leaning against his twin.

"Hm." Mori muttered in agreement.

"It can and will be done." Tamaki said in a very final sort of voice.

Over the course of a week, tensions rose to unprecedented heights in the host club. Everything seemed to put everyone on edge. Hikaru yelled at Hunny for accidentally brushing against him in the clubroom, to which Mori responded by picking up the eldest Hitachiin and moving him to another side of the room entirely. Haruhi and Kaoru had gotten into a fight over what colour the new drapes should be whilst Mori and Hikaru were wrestling about how to greet customers. All the while, however, Kyouya was documenting these arguments on his clipboard and observing silence at the same time.

One afternoon before hours, Renge made her usual flamboyant and completely unnecessary appearance by somehow coming forth from the floor.

"What is it, Renge-kun?" Kyouya asked from the couch.

"I have heard that the host club has not had very good business lately." Renge said.

It was at this time that the members of the infamous host club noticed the attire of their "mascot". Renge was wearing a pale blue frilly dress that seemed to flow around her with her every move, with matching stilettos and cascade pearl earrings.

"Renge-kun, are you cosplaying again?" Kaoru asked.

"It doesn't matter!" Renge exclaimed, flailing her arms. "Is it true?"

"While the number of customers has declined drastically," Kyouya began "I would not say that our business is any worse."

The members of the host club, save for Kyouya, stared at each other in shock. Why couldn't he speak like a normal person? He was so formal it wasn't even funny!

"I see no one here now." Renge dramatically looked around the clubroom.

"That's because the host club's not open yet." Hikaru and Kaoru said together.

"And how many do you think will be here when it opens?" Renge jumped from the platform, which lowered back into the floor and vanished without a trace of ever having existed at all.

"A normal amount." Mori said.

"And how much is a normal amount?" Renge challenged.

"Does it really matter?" Haruhi was obviously a tad agitated.

"Exactly, Haruhi." Tamaki spoke for the first time. "We always get customers. Sure, they may be fewer in number, but that doesn't mean that we won't get any."

"I shall be monitoring the activity for the next week." Renge began.

"What, does she have secret cameras in here?" Hikaru muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes.

"And if progress remains the same, I shall have to get involved." Renge said as she made her exodus in the same way that she had entered.

And so the host club resumed their duties. Hunny and Mori set up cakes and other various sweets whilst the Hitachiins rehearsed their "twincest" antics. Haruhi began to make tea and Tamaki started tidying up the room from the mess Renge's entrance and departure. Kyouya, however, remained on the couch and scribbled things down on the nefarious clipboard.

The customers arrived about twenty minutes later. Hunny was having a grand time explaining how to bake strawberry shortcake to Katsuki-san and Kurosawa-san with Mori watching nearby. Hikaru and Kaoru were playing the "Guess Which Is Hikaru Game?" with Shiori-san, Murosaki-san and Roku-san. Tamaki was in deep conversation with Yorihiro-san and Haruhi was drinking tea with Momoka-san and Kurokage-san.

"Why is it so tense in here?" Momoka asked Haruhi as the former sipped at her tea.

"Ah, it's just club business." Haruhi tried to sound nonchalant. "It's nothing."

"But it's been going on for weeks." Kurokage said as she brushed a strand of auburn hair out of her eyes.

"You're exaggerating, Kurokage-chan!" Momoka rolled her eyes. "It hasn't been that long?"

"Since what?"

For one reason or another, Tamaki appeared instantaneously next to Haruhi, which took all three girls by surprise.

"Don't do that, senpai!" Haruhi exclaimed.

"Since what?" Tamaki repeated his earlier question.

"Where's Hunny-senpai?" Kurosawa asked as she walked over to the table. "He said he was getting some more chocolate cake about ten minutes ago."

"And Mori-senpai's gone, too." Shiori added.

"We'll look!" the Hitachiin twins chorused.

"No!" Tamaki yelled.

"Why not, tono?" Hikaru scowled.

"I'll go." Kyouya said.

But despite this, all but Hikaru went in search of Hunny and Mori. Kyouya's logic was that someone had to stay behind and entertain the customers, which didn't please Hikaru in the slightest.

When Mori and Hunny couldn't be found in the clubroom, the members of the host club concluded that they would go search the rest of the school. At least the rest of the building, anyway.

"But this building is huge!" Kaoru protested.

"So we'll split up." Haruhi said as she tightened her tie. "That would be the logical thing to do."

"I am not allowing anyone to leave my sight." Tamaki said firmly.

"A bit overprotective, ne?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

"That would make more sense." Kyouya pointed out.

After searching through the classrooms, the teens went through the elective rooms. When they finally reached the first music room, they found Mori and Hunny on top of the baby grand piano, mouths intertwined.

"What the hell?!" Kaoru yelped, causing Hunny to jump in surprise and fall off the piano.

"During club hours? Really?" Tamaki was astounded by the actions of the older hosts.

"There was nothing to do, Tama-chan!" Hunny exclaimed.

"You were supposed to be getting cake!" Tamaki yelled.

"I'm not going to ask…" Haruhi had decided that not knowing was probably better and therefore left the room.

"What have I said about relationships?" Tamaki glared at Hunny and Mori.

"But we were bored!" Hunny looked very small in comparison to Mori who was standing next to him.

"That doesn't mean that you go gallivanting about doing…that!" Tamaki shrieked.

"Calm down, Tamaki." Kyouya said. "We need to get back to the club. We have customers, remember?"

"Ah, of course oka-san." Tamaki said, regaining his composure once more. "This will be discussed at a later time."

So the day went on as usual. Haruhi was forced to play a round of the "Guess Which Is Hikaru Game?" with Shiori-san and Yorihiro-san, much against the seemingly male host's will.

"This is so pointless." Haruhi said in tones of boredom.

"That's because you can tell us apart." Kaoru said deviously.

Hunny and Murasaki ate chocolate cake while Mori served tea with Tamaki. Kyouya, of course, wrote things down on that clipboard of his.

When it was time to close the host club, the members noticed that the president and the vice-president were nowhere to be found. The last anyone recalled seeing either of them was when Tamaki had to break up a fight between Hikaru and Kaoru over which would be seme that night.

"That was such a pointless fight anyway." Haruhi sighed as she checked a wardrobe closet.

"But they don't need to know that." Kaoru said in reference to the customers.

Half an hour later when neither Tamaki nor Kyouya could be found, it was decided that they were not in the room and the members should therefore search the rest of the school.

"Maybe they went to get sweets!" Hunny exclaimed.

"Of course not." Mori said.

"You think about sweets too much, Hunny-senpai." Hikaru rolled his eyes.

"But they're good…" Hunny said sadly.

"Why are you so sad about it?" Haruhi questioned as she quickly examined a classroom before shutting the door and proceeding down the hallway.

"Because I don't have any right now." Hunny explained.

"We need to find tono and Kyouya first." The Hitachiins said together.

"Did anyone think to check the second art room?" Haruhi asked the group at large.

The hosts looked at each other and deadpanned. They apparently had not thought to check the second art room. And why was there any need to? Neither Kyouya nor Tamaki were in any art classes.

"But why would they be there?" Kaoru demanded as they set off in the direction of the room in question.

"I have no idea, Kaoru." Haruhi said. "It's just an idea."

"It's a pretty lame idea." Hikaru said.

"Maybe Kyou-chan and Tama-chan will be there." Hunny said from atop Mori's shoulders.

"What are the chances of that, Hunny-senpai?" Kaori asked the small teen.

When they finally arrived at the second art room, the room seemed normal at first. A few easels were set up along with paintbrushes and mixing trays. What wasn't normal, however, was the fact that Kyouya and Tamaki were on the floor, both shirtless, engaging in what could be considered shocking acts.

"What the hell is going on?!" Hikaru yelled.

"It's not what it looks like!" Tamaki exclaimed, prying himself away from Kyouya.

"You mean you two weren't about to have a make-out session on the floor?" Kaoru raised an eyebrow.

"That's pretty odd, senpai." Haruhi shook her head.

"Tono, aren't you still lusting after Haruhi?" Kaoru frowned.

"He what?" Haruhi glared at the eldest Hitachiin.

"You didn't know, Haru-chan?" Hunny started to say.

But at that instant, Mori grabbed the small teen and pulled him away, saying, "Don't."

"How can you yell about us having relationships while you go banging Kyouya?" Hikaru demanded.

"I resent that." Kyouya pulled on his jacket and started buttoning the front.

"That's a bit hypocritical, huh?" Haruhi added.

"How long has this been going on?" Kaoru demanded.

"It doesn't matter." Kyouya said.

"Yes it does!" Hunny exclaimed.

"No, it doesn't." Mori said.

"Look, just forget about it." Tamaki said.

"Forget about it?!" the Hitachiins and Haruhi exclaimed.

"How can we forget seeing this?" Hikaru gestured to Tamaki and Kyouya, who were now holding hands.

"It's not that unusual." Kyouya pushed his glasses further up his nose.

"But it's so unlike you two." Haruhi said.

"That doesn't matter." Kaoru derailed the subject and started a new one. "I want to know why the rest of us can't have relationships, but you two can."

Tamaki remained silent for a moment in thought before saying, "Okay, fine. You guys obviously aren't going to listen to me. So as long as you don't go doing it in front of the customers, then it's fine by me."

"That goes for you guys too, tono." Kaoru and Hikaru spoke together.

"Yeah!" Hunny exclaimed.

"No exemptions." Mori said simply.

"Well, Kyouya, I guess we have no choice." Tamaki gazed at the other teen.

"It appears not." Kyouya nodded in agreement.

"Um, guys?" Haruhi asked.

"Yes, Haruhi?" Tamaki faced the only girl in the group.

"Can we wrap this up?" Haruhi asked. "I have other things I'd like to do today. Like homework."

"You're such a nerd, Haruhi." Hikaru wrapped his arm around her shoulder.

"Well, we have a lot of homework, Hikaru!" Hikaru exclaimed as the group left the second art room.

Kyouya and Tamaki returned back to the clubroom after everyone else had left. It appeared that in their search, the hosts had completely ransacked the room, leaving cake crumbs and papers scattered on the floor. Running a host club was hard work, especially in Ouran Private High.

It's a lame ending, I know....and I just got back from seeing...:drumroll please!:...TWILIGHT! It could have been better. that is NOT my Emmett! I could rant about this for days, so I'll stop.

I will write stories for anyone who wants anything written. I'll do just about anything short of mpreg. that's impossible for me to write. just let me know via PM and I'll see if I can work it out. Review? thanks for reading!