JD sat at his desk in Team Seven's office area. He was bored. This lull in between cases was a killer.
He and Buck had kept themselves occupied doing different things throughout the day, coming to a head by taking the screws out of Ezra's chair when he left to get coffee from the breakroom. Buck and JD worked quickly to achieve this task. Buck even thought they could have worked for a pit crew at the Indy 500 with the speed with which they removed those all-so-important bolts.
The two scampered back to their own desks with evil smirks on their faces, but immediately put their game faces on. Both men sat and pretended to do what they were doing before ezra's departure. JD laid his face on his left hand and idly clicked his mouse with his right, staring blankly at his computer screen. Buck resumed his attempt at pencil stalagmites.
When the southerner returned to his desk and put his coffee down, he knew something was up. How many times had one of them been gotten by someone's practical joke when they left the room? There was the time that Josiah had left the room only to find his coffee had been heavily salted when he got back. That was unpleasant for all. Then the time that Nathan returned to his desk to find that his computer display was backwards, like you were looking out from within. They even got Vin. They glued his phone receiver down to the cradle, then called his number from one of their cell phones. Granted, these weren't their "A Game" pranks, but they still were annoying.
Ezra was tired of this. Yes, they were all clearly bored. Yes, they were all trying their best not to invoke the wrath of their leader. But the Dreadful Duo was pushing it. Why couldn't they just enjoy the silence for once? Ezra even thought about getting the two of them coloring books. At least then they would be semi-occupied.
Looking out of the corner of his eye, Ezra caught JD glance at him. I wonder which one of your original pranks you have pulled from your arsenal gentlemen. Glue? No, I wasn't gone long enough. Computer shenanigans? Again, not gone long enough. Chair. Definitely chair.
Ezra took a deep breath and made no attempt to hide the fact that he blew it out in a not-so-gentlemanly huff. "Gentlemen," he began, "If, when I sit in my chair, anything happens, and I do mean anything, I will shoot one of you, and I don't care which." For emphasis, Ezra took his gun from his holster and placed it on his desk next to his coffee.
Buck's eyes looked at the gun for a moment, then over to JD. JD gave him a look of 'You're on your own' and Buck locked eyes with the southerner.
"You're no fun Ezra," Buck said, reaching for the two screws he had slipped into his jeans pocket. He lobbed one, then the other at Ezra, who caught them and began fixing his chair. Buck blew out his breath, much like Ezra had just moments before. "Just no fun at all." He leaned back, and enjoyed the fact that Ezra had to fix his chair, engaging in manual labor, which he so abhorred.
JD snorted at the entire scene. Yup, everyone was bored. And that could be scary.
"Never said I was," drawled Ezra from under his desk. He appeared a moment later, and holstered his gun.
JD's email icon popped up and chimed, signaling a new message. He opened it immediately. It was from a friend of his from Boston.
What's up chief? How's life going? Seriously, we need to chat more. I know this is a forward, but I thought of you when I got it, and just had to share. The sad thing is, most of these were so true I was laughing my ass off in the middle of a coffee shop while reading them! I wish you could have seen people's faces while they were glaring at me. Not my fault people don't have a god damn sense of humor… Enjoy!
JD opened up the attached message. It was entitled "101 Reasons you know you're from Massachusetts." These were always good for a laugh.
For native and not-so-native Bostonians... (and from RI....)
1. The Red Sox World Series win was, and will always be, one of the greatest moments in your life.
2. The guy driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you're swearing at him for going too slow.
3. When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke. or Moxie
went to Canobie Lake Park or Water Country as a kid - orWhalom
5. You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.
6. You do
not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English
7. Your social security number starts with a 0
8. You can actually find your way around Boston .
9. You know what a "regular" coffee is. and get it at Dunkys
10. You keep an ice scraper in your car year-round.
JD snorted and couldn't help but smile. Yup, so far, so true.
can tell the difference between a Revere accent and a Dorchester
12. Springfield is located "way out west." neah Riva-side right?
13. You almost feel disappointed if someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.
14. You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Gloucester, and Haverhill.
15. Anyone you don't know is a potential idiot until proven otherwise.
Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts or a CVS Pharmacy
within eyeshot at all times. and you know CVS as Medi-Maht
17. You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday just to buy alcohol.
18. You know how to pronounce Yastrzemski.
19. You know there's a trophy at the end of the Bean Pot.
20. You order iced coffee in January
JD's smile grew and he caught himself laughing at 20. He still did that out here in Denver. Buck always made fun of him for that. There could be 4 feet of snow on the ground, and JD would still be drinking iced coffee.
"What'cha laughing at kid?" Vin asked from his nearby desk. JD's laugh had been the only break in the monotonous day so far.
"Just an email a friend of mine sent. One of those 'Hometown Humor' things."
"Yeah? Any good?" asked Buck. He needed a laugh or something to break up this day.
"I don't think you'd get it Buck."
"What? I've been to Boston before JD."
"I know Buck. I'm not knockin you. I'm just saying… I mean, I wouldn't get 'You know you're from the Midwest…' humor."
Now everyone was involved. Even Nathan and Josiah, who had been sitting idly by, watching the other members' actions, were following the banter between the other agents.
"I think we could figure it out JD," drawled Vin. He was curious about the email. He knew that anything about Texas in that form would be entertaining to him, but he could understand if others didn't quite fully grasp a lot of the regional jokes.
"I'm not saying you couldn't, Vin. I just don't know that you'd find it all that funny."
"Is this about the funny Boston accent thing? Saying 'cah' and shit like that?" asked Buck.
"Part of it, yeah." JD answered.
"JD, how come you don't have an accent like that?" asked Nathan, now fully engrossed in the topic at hand.
"I hang out with you guys too much. I haven't been there for a while, but usually after I visit, it gets all charged up again and I do say 'cah' for a few days afterwards."
"Bullshit. I never heard you say that," said Vin.
"I get a lot of crap for it. Ask casey. She makes fun of me wicked bad." JD closed his eyes after he spoke. Please, no one catch that.
"Wicked?" asked Ezra.
Dammit. Leave it to Ezra to catch everything. "Yeah. Sorry. See, it slips through sometimes."
"I never did understand that colloquialism. Perhaps you should elaborate on it," continued Ezra. "I have heard that that regional dialect and accent are quite difficult to carry off, unless you are from the area." Ezra smiled at JD. He always enjoyed a good discussion such as this. Plus it was amusing to put their youngest in the hot seat, so to speak.
Chris opened the door to his office, also looking for a reprieve from the boredom. There were only so many expense reports one could look at before actually asking good on the threat to shoot someone.
"What's up boys?" he asked, walking out of his office.
"JD here got one of those 'Hometown Humor' emails. 'You know you're from Boston if…' type of thing," Buck answered.
"I see." But he didn't. Were they all really this bored?
"He was laughing at something in it, but doesn't want to share now," said Vin.
"Why not JD?" asked Chris.
"It's dumb Chris. Just skip it." JD didn't want to go into all of it.
"Well, now I want to see this list. Send it to us JD," Chris said.
"Fine," JD relented. But if one person made him say 'park the car…'
"Good." Chris headed back to his office.
JD emailed the list to everyone, and expected a whole ration of crap for it. It was just one of those lists, why did everyone want to check it out so badly? After it was sent, JD continued reading it where he left off…
know that the Purple Line will take you anywhere 31. You know at least one bar where you can
get something to drink after last call.
22. You love scorpion bowls.
23. You know what they sell at a Packie.
24. Sorry Manny, but number 24 means DEWEY EVANS.
25. You know what First Night is.
26. You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus.
27. McLobster= McCrap! what were they thinkin???
28. You know at least 2 cops in your town because they were your high school drinking buddies.
29. Sure there are 6 New England states, but Connecticut really doesn't count.
30. You intentionally give wrong directions to tourists, feel bad when the drive off, but then say to yourself, "Ah, screw them."
32. You're sick of the Kennedy's, but you vote for them anyway.
33. You know holding onto the railing when riding the Green Line is not optional
34. The numbers '78 and '86 make you cringe. BUCK-nah!
35. You've been to Goodtimes before
36. You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. (...and they DO).
37. You have never been to "Cheers."
38. The words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.
39. You've been to Fenway Park several times.
40. You've gone to at least one party at U Mass.
31. You know at least one bar where you can
get something to drink after last call.
own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat. 51. You think that Roger
Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
42. You know what a Frappe is. and probably said HEY - how come this frappe has no ICE CREAM in it!!
43. You've been to Hempfest.
44. You know who Frank Averuch is. and been on his show as a kid
45. ADVANCED: You know Frank Averuch was once Bozo the Clown
46. You can complete the following: "Lynn, Lynn ......" city of sin, you never come out the way you went in...and many other versions
47. You get pissed off when a restaurant serves clam chowder, and it turns out to be friggin' Snows.
48. You actually know how to merge from six lanes of traffic down to one.
49. The TV weatherman is damn good if he's right 25% of the time.
50. You never go to "Cape Cod," you go "down the Cape".
52. You know who Whitey Bulger is.
53. You went to the Swan Boats, House of Seven Gables, or Plymouth Plantation on a field trip in elementary school
54. Bobby Orr is loved as much as Larry Bird, Tom Brady, and Ted Williams.
55. You remember Major Mudd. I-B-B-Y!!
56. You know what candlepin bowling is what other kind is there??? oh yeah...big-ball
57. You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day
58. You know Scollay Square once stood where Government Center is.
59. When you were a kid, Rex Trailer was the coolest guy around. Speaking of which... I wanted a horse like Gold Rush!
60. You can still hum the song from the end of Boom Town
51. You think that Roger
Clemens and Johnny Damon are more evil than Whitey Bulger.
JD looked at the rest of his teammates. They were all still engrossed in the list, so he continued.
Calling Carrabba's an "Italian" restaurant is sacrilege
62. You still have your old Flexible Flyer somewhere in your parents' attic.
63. You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line. same with 495, "the western front"
only time you've been on the Freedom Trail is when relatives are in
town. 71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without
65. The Big Dig tunnel disaster wasn't really that much of a surprise. no kidding...yawn
66. You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss."
67. 4:15pm and pitch black out means there's just 3 more shopping days until Christmas
68. You know more than one person with the last name Murphy
69. You refer to Savin Hill as "Stab 'n Kill."
70. You've never eaten at Durgin Park , but recommend it to tourists.
72. You voted for a Republican Mormon as Governor just to screw with the rest of the country.
73. 11pm? Drunk? It means one thing: Kowloon !
71. You can't look at the zip code 02134 without
Drunk? It means one thing: Kelly's Roast Beef!
75. 5am? Drunk? It means one thing: You wish you had a blanket in your back seat
76. You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.
77. People you don't like are all "Bastids."
78. You took school or work off for the Patriots first Super Bowl Win Parade
called something "wicked pissa." 81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature
Double Feature with Dale Dorman talk about a face made for
radio! 91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School
football, and the long version of Alice 's Restaurant.
80. You'll always get razzed for Dukakis.
82. Sunday mornings meant the Three Stooges on Channel 38
83. You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater
84. No, you don't trust the Gorton's Fisherman.
85. You know that Papa Gino's usually has a jukebox
86. You think Aerosmith is the greatest rock band of all time.
87. Your town has at least 6 sub shops, and none of them are a Subway.
88. You know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frankie.
89. 20 degrees isn't that bad as long as there ain't no wind- then it gets wicked cold.
90. You were very sad when saying goodbye to the Boston Garden
92. You know the guy who founded the Boston Pops was Athah Feedlah.
93. You know what the Combat Zone is
94. You actually drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax
95. You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left. are we the only ones that do this???
96. You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop
81. Saturday afternoons meant Creature
Double Feature with Dale Dorman talk about a face made for
91. Thanksgiving means family, turkey, High School
football, and the long version of Alice 's Restaurant.
been to Hampton Beach on a Saturday night
98. Playing street hockey was a daily after school ritual.
99. Hearing an old lady shout "Numbah 96 for Sioux City !" means it's time for steak
100. You remember Jordan Marsh, Grants, Bradlees, Caldor, Zayres, or Ann & Hope.
101. You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from Massachusetts
JD laughed at these. They reminded him of home.
BUT WAIT - THERE'S MORE!!!!
You think crosswalks are for wimps . or more likely, the crossing SIGNS - like whats with that flashing hand anyway?? is it HURRY UP or BACK OFF!?
You think if someone's nice to you, they either want something (THEY DO!!!) or they are from out of town and probably lost
You are amazed when traveling out of town that people who work at McDonald's actually speak English
You think it's not actually tailgating unless your bumper is touching the car in front of you
You know that a yellow light means at least 5 more cars can get through ... and that a red light means 2 more can
A Crown Victoria = Undercover Cop
The transportation system is known as the "T" a "Subway" is a lame sandwich shop
You could own a small town in Iowa for the cost of your house
There are 24 Dunkin Donuts shops within 15 minutes of your house
When people talk about the "curse of the Bambino," you know exactly what they are talking about, and you believe in it, too REVERSED!
You think of Rhode Island as the "deep South"
You believe using a turn signal gives away your plan to the enemy
If you stay on the same road long enough, it will eventually have 3 or more different names
Someone has honked at you because you didn't peel out the second the light turned green
You've honked at someone because they didn't peel out the second the light turned green
All the potholes just add excitement to your driving experience
Stop signs mean slow down a little, but only if you feel like it
Six inches of snow is considered a "dusting"
Three days of 90+ heat is definitely a "heat wave" ... and 63° weather is "on the warm side"
$15 to park is a bargain
cringe every time you hear some actor/actress imitate the "Boston
accent" on TV or in a movie. If you don't have
it, you're never going to get it right ... even if you were born here
At the ice cream shop, you call chocolate sprinkles "Jimmies" I never knew they were called sprinkles elsewhere, that sounds like glitter
can go from one side of your hometown to the other in less than 15
minutes and see at least 15 losers you
graduated with doing the same exact same thing they were doing the last time you saw them
Thanks for visiting Massachusetts - please drive through...
JD couldn't stop smiling. He even chuckled to himself on a lot of these. Containing his mirth, he looked at the rest of his teammates again. Nathan and Josiah were smiling as they read. Obviously, they got at least some of the jokes on the list.
JD couldn't get a read on the others though. Buck looked deep in thought. Ezra seemed to be reading at a rapid pace, and was he writing something down??
JD looked at Vin. "I don't get it."
Here we go, thought JD.
"Like what?" he asked Vin.
"Ok, like number 14. How do you say them towns?" he asked.
"Woosta, Billricka, Glosta, Havril."
All of them looked at JD when he spoke.
"You're shitting me," said Vin. He wasn't sure if he was being made fun of, cuz there wewre a bunch of letters in those town names, and he was sure JD wasn't reading all the letters.
"No I'm not. Trust me Vin." JD smiled. Maybe this wasn't going to be that bad.
"What's a 'packie'?" asked Buck.
"Liquor Store," answered Nathan. He smiled when everyone looked at him. "Rain has some college friends from Boston. Last time they visited, I got a tutorial. Packie is short for Package Store."
Vin nodded. "Bean Pot?"
"College Hockey Tournament." Answered JD.
Chris came back out from his office. "Why do you have to drive to New Hampshire on Sunday to buy alcohol?" He sat on the corner of Vin's desk, holding a printout of the list so that he could be involved in this conversation.
JD leaned back in his chair. "Blue laws… until recently, liquor stores weren't open on Sundays, so if you wanted beer or something, you had to go to New Hampshire. They don't sell beer in the grocery store."
This was starting to be fun. The guys could find out things about JD just by asking him about this list.
"You really give wrong directions to tourists?" asked Josiah.
"Not personally, but yeah, people do."
"78 and 86?" Asked Buck.
"World Series losses. Hard ones."
"Roger Clemens and Johnny Damon?"
"Left the Sox to be on the Yankees."
"Real baseball town, huh?" asked Josiah.
"Loyal sports town. You just don't go jumping sides to the enemy."
"If Rhode Island is the Deep South, I must be from the pits of Hades," drawled the southerner with a grin.
JD just smiled back.
"The Freedom Trail?" asked Chris.
"Lost of history up there, but you don't appreciate it unless someone pointsit out to you. There's also Concord and Lexington, Minuteman National Park, Plymouth Plantation… List goes on. Living there, you see it as commonplace…" JD shrugged.
"What's with the iced coffee? I've seen you do that. Other people do that?" asked Buck.
"Can't explain that one. Just something I've always done. Also eat lots of ice cream in the winter." Again a shrug. JD didn't understand himself why those were commonplace.
"Kowloon?" Josiah asked.
"Awesome Chinese food."
"Combat Zone?" asked Vin, eyebrows arched.
"Bad part of town. It isn't there anymore. They cleaned that up. Always interesting though." JD smiled. His days as a cop on the Boston PD took him through that area a lot.
"Jesus JD, reading this I get why you drive the way you do," Chris said.
"That's why I usually drive my bike. Road rage in a car. You think I'm bad, you should try driving in Boston. It's crazy. Even when I go back there, it's nuts."
"Ah have ta ask," Ezra put on his thickest drawl, "tha accent?"
"What about it?" asked JD back.
"Wheya is it?"
JD smiled a large, toothy grin. "Hidden. Faded. Who knows. You want to hear a good accent, you should hear the girl that sent me the email." Dammit!
"A girl?" Buck asked, interest piqued. He turned back to his computer monitor and looked at the email again. "Jinx?"
"What kind of a name is that?" asked Vin.
"Shut up Buck."
"How you know her?" asked Chris.
"Short version?" asked Chris again. It wasn't like JD to dodge a question.
"I arrested her."
"What?" The normally verbose southerner cocked his head to one side and stared at the youngest.
"Drunk and disorderly. Stuck her in the drunk tank and let her out in the morning. Been friends ever since."
"I want to meet this girl. She sounds spunky." Buck fiddled with his mustache.
"You probably won't. She's pretty rooted and doesn't travel much."
"So, back to the subject of accents... why is it so hard to do the Boston one?" Ezra was puzzled.
JD took a deep breath and thought about it. "I don't know. Just too easy to spot a fake? There's accents within accents too. Different towns say the same thing different. Think of it this way Ezra… You'd probably be able to spot a fake southern accent, right? Same thing."
"What's the worst fake boston accent you've seen? Like movies or TV?" Nathan asked. "Rain's friends had some opinions, and I wondered if they would end up being the same."
"Tough call. Worst was "The Perfect Storm". Everybody sounded like a Kennedy." At the puzzled looks, JD elaborated. "They have their own weird accent. "Crossing Jordan" on tv was pretty bad too."
"So what's a normal accent like?" asked Vin. "I only met two people from Boston, and you're one of them JD. You don't have what I'd a thought was a Boston accent."
JD looked at his watch and back at his friends. "Hang on, I'll show you."
JD picked up his desk phone and started dialing. "This way will be way easier. I'll put her on speaker, but understand a couple of things. She swears a lot, everybody does, and she talks fast. Again, everybody does. That was one of the things I had to get used to coming out here—slowing down."
"Kid, you still talk a mile a minute," said Buck.
"You should hear me when I go back home. It's ringing." He pushed the speaker button and put the receiver back down on the cradle.
On the third ring, she picked up. "Hello?"
"Jinx, it's JD."
"Holy shit chief! Owaya? Y'aright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. I have you on speaker with the guys I work with. We were reading that email you sent."
"Fuckin funny right?"
JD looked up apologetically. Smirks and grins met his gaze. "very."
"So whasup? You say I'm on speakah?"
"Yep, say hi to the guys."
"Hey guys, owaya?"
A series of hellos and his came back. Buck looked at JD and mouthed 'What did she say?'
JD started to laugh a little. "Hey Jinx, they guys wanted to hear what Boston sounds like, and you have the thickest accent of anyone I know. Buck wants to know what you just said."
"Uhh…" She paused.
"Let's do this then… Hey Jinx, owaya?"
"I'm good. You?" She figured it out on her end and laughed with her response.
"You're shitting me, she said 'How are you'?" Vin said. "I couldn't make that out."
JD couldn't help but laugh.
Ezra seemed extremely interested. Jd would have sworn he was taking mental notes on what his friend was saying.
"So JD, you dig the list?"
"Yeah it was pretty good."
"Fuckin A right. So, am I gonna be asked to say all sorts of silly shit now? Like supah mahket pahkin lot?"
"Better than pahk the cah."
"That's so old. Cuzins a mine think the supah mahket one is better."
"So, you couldn't bust out the accent for them? Guys, get him drunk and talking bout home… you'll heah about some cahs." Everything Jinx said sounded so fluid and natural, not forced like in movies.
JD laughed at his friends' reactions.
"They're staring at me now Jinx, thanks."
"Anytime. So, what's new and exciting?"
"Not much, slow day."
"Aww, so I got to be ya entahtainment? That's wicked pissa." She threw that one in for fun, knowing that they wanted to hear that type of thing.
"Pissa?" asked Ezra.
"Means awesome, or good, or pretty much anything you want it to." JD explained.
"So, Miss…Jinx, JD tells us you two met under interesting circumstances," prompted Buck.
"Interesting my ass. Fucka threw me in the drunk tank. PCed me. I wasn't doin anythin wrong."
"Jinx, you were loaded and trying to sleep on the sidewalk." JD said this with a light tone, this was obviously a fun story for the two friends.
"Whateva you need to tell yaself t get ya through the day chief." Chris looked at his list while she said this, pointing out to Vin number 66: You call guys you've just met "Chief" or "Boss." Vin just smiled and shook his head.
"So kids, did I delivah the accent for you?" she asked to the room at large.
"Not bad," said Chris.
"Thanks. I aimda please."
"Jinx, I'll let you go now. I'll give you a call soon to catch up."
"kay guy. Hey, maybe I should come out and visit ya."
"Kay. Talk to ya. Bye gentlemen." With this, she hung up the phone.
"Sounds a lot thicker than Rain's friends. But the gist is still the same," Nathan said.
"Should see her in person. She's wicked animated and funny as hell. She'd give you guys a run for your money."
"And you arrested her?" asked Josiah.
"Had to. She was causin a scene. Plus she coulda gotten hurt. She wouldn't stop jabbering in the tank either. Her accent gets way thicker when she's drunk."
"That wasn't thick?" Asked Ezra.
"Nope. And usually she's talking so fast I can barely follow her. I think she cleaned it up a bit for you guys."
"Couple of F-bombs in there?" asked Buck.
"That was tame. Girl gets her point across. Maybe you'll get to meet her someday."
The boys slowly started to peel off towards their own desks and back to the monotonous workday. Buck had plans to get JD drunk and try to get him to slip into his accent. That, he thought, would be funny as hell and totally worth taking care of the kid's hangover the next day.
After a few minutes of silence, Vin piped up. "Yup, don't get it."