After collecting my thoughts, we headed back to my parents house. Axel had apparently went there with them to talk and try and sort things out and apparently, they weren't happy. They wanted me to stay with them. I looked up nervously at Axel and bit my lip.
"Do you want me to stay? With them I mean?" I asked softly and Axel looked at me, an uncertain look in his eyes and I didn't know what to think. He stopped walking and looked away before looking at his feet.
"Roxie, this isn't my decision to make. It's yours."
"I know but do you want me to come back with you?" I asked and Axel frowned.
"Of course I do. But... Roxie I get that this is a big thing for you and in all honesty I don't know what the final outcome is gonna be... but you need to know that I love you and that's not going to change any time soon." I nodded and smiled, leaning to him and hugging him gently. This could be the last time we get to spend together... it could be...
I looked up at Axel and tiptoed to reach his lips, kissing him affectionately and I had never felt so much hurt in all my life. He placed one hand to my face, his fingers gently stroking the soft skin and the other around my waist, gently pulling me to him. I didn't want to leave Axel, I knew I didn't, I just didn't want to hurt anybody.
Couldn't I stay with Axel and they come and move in? Couldn't I stay with my parents and Axel live with us? Couldn't we all just stay together? I knew it wasn't possible.
I kissed Axel with as much love and compassion I had in me and he returned the feelings, knowing that this could very well be the last time we kiss. The thought made me choke up and I felt tears filling my eyes again as I tangled my fingers in his hair. I had a feeling every single detail of Axel would be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. I had memorised him.
Every contour, curve, muscle; every inch of his body I knew by heart. I had never felt Axel put so much love into a kiss as he was right now. A part of me thought that he was doing it to convince me, to try and get me to go with him. But a bigger side of me was telling me that Axel was just as distraught about all this as I was and he just wanted to show how much he loved me and enjoy the kiss for what it was...
Whatever it was.
Axel parted from my lips and I could still taste him as I ran my tongue over the bottom of my lip. We headed back to my old house, the house I lived in for four solid years with these strangers and the boy let me in. He smiled at me.
"Hey Roxas, I'm your twin Sora, this is your mother Tristan and your father Mark..." he spread his arm, indicating to the other people in the room and I nodded and entered the house. So, I do have a brother... and not just any brother, a twin... OK...
I stood in the middle of the room with Axel standing by the doorframe watching my every move. Everyone's eyes were fixed on me and I felt so pressurised and so sad about having to make this heart breaking decision.
"I can't do this..." I sobbed and Axel tilted his head to the side and gave me a soft small sympathetic smile. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't even look at them. My heart was breaking from just the thought of leaving Axel but at the same time I didn't want to cause my parents any more pain than what they had been through over the last thirteen years.
Wow, thirteen years I had been missing. It must have been sheer hell on them... complete and utter hell. Not knowing whether I was alive or dead, not knowing whether I was safe or in danger, not knowing where I was or if I would ever come back, not knowing... not knowing.
And now they had to wait for me to make my decision.
"Fuck this is so hard!!" I shouted in frustration, grabbing at my hair and tugging angrily. Why did god hate me so much? Why did he give me the one thing that I loved more than anything else in the world and care for and understand, and then make me decide between him and something I could and should know, something that was real and right...
But Axel and I were real and right...
But I could have a family again. A mom, a dad, a brother. Those sorts of things were completely irreplaceable, not even Axel could give me what they could. One stupid part of my mind was telling me that Axel was just a boyfriend and they would come and go and family was forever... but the sensible part of my brain was screaming at me that Axel was more than just my lover, he was everything I had ever dreamed of...
But so were these strangers, these people that I had wanted to know and meet and see and talk with, I had dreamed of this day most of my life. I had dreamed of meeting my family, of being welcomed back into open arms and being kissed and cuddled and told how much I was missed. I had dreamed of finding answers for long lost questions. I had dreamed of clarity.
Each person in the room had a different expression. My apparent father was looking at me with a look of anticipation and sternness, my mother was crying and Sora looked almost disappointed, like sad. Axel stood with his arms folded across his chest and watched me, love still radiating from ever cell in his body and even though his mouth was twisted into a tiny faint smile, I knew he was sad and scared. Scared of loosing me and sad that I was sad, and he couldn't do anything about it.
Axel had always been able to protect me from everything and he had made decisions for me... but this was something he could never play a part in; it was something I had to decide for myself and I just wasn't used to it. I knew that to Axel, all that mattered was my happiness. It had always been about me, and I felt so selfish at that moment in time for not realising it before.
Before I could think about it anymore, I made my decision.
I slowly walked towards my destination, my eyes still glazy from my tears that were still falling, every single step I took ripped me in half and I wanted more than anything to just take everyone back to Traverse Town and start again. It felt as though I were walking down the aisle for the electric chair. Slow and tortuous and never ending, my mind was still reeling and I really couldn't believe I was doing this. I didn't want this but at the same time I did want this, I wanted this so badly.
The normality, the arguments, the family.
When I reached them my mother hugged me tightly and my father copied her while Sora jumped around clapping his hands, clearly happy that his twin had come back. All I could feel was pain. I felt as if my heart had been ripped out and stamped on and my stomach had been stabbed repeatedly. It was over. This was all finally over. I could start a fresh with my family after thirteen years, find out answers to questions and know where I was meant to be. Did I have cousins? Grandparents? Nephews? Nieces? Aunties? Uncles? Great aunties? Brother in laws? I wanted to know the entire family history and every person in it.
I wanted to feel a part of a family again; I wanted to remember the fun times I must have had before I was snatched away from Malex. I was born into this family for a reason, and now I had found it I didn't want to give it up. I always thought there was a reason that everything happened. But now I think that if you were put somewhere in life with someone there was a reason, not a coincidence.
I had a family for a reason, I needed them in my life despite the fact of not even knowing their second name, and there must be a reason why I had found them now at this precise moment in time. It was my time to find them, my time to lead a normal happy life with normal people. It was my turn to be happy again.
I pulled away and looked at Axel and immediately all thoughts and feelings of being happy were shattered. Axel looked devastated. His head was bowed low and he seemed in deep thought for a few moments, his hand rubbing roughly at his forehead.
Oh my god I think I've just broken his heart.
"Axel." my voice was croaky and uncertain and he looked up at me. I felt a stabbing flow through my heart and I wanted nothing more than to run over and kiss him and tell him how much I loved him and wanted to be with him; because in all honesty I did. I needed Axel in my life, he was my fucking soul mate. He was so much more than just a boyfriend or a Master and I felt so selfish.
He had done everything for me, taken me in when no one else would, looked after me when no one else would, cared when no one else did, defended me, protected me, made me feel safe, made me feel happy and secure and he loved me. I could tell just by looking in his eyes that he loved me so god damn much and that it was taking all of his will power not to snatch me away from them or breakdown in tears.
His eyes were full of tears and I felt so terrible. Axel had never been hurt like this, he had never showed any sign of weakness and had definitely never even had his eyes fill with tears before... and I caused this. I had taken everything he had given me and thrown it all back in his face. I walked over to him and hugged him and he knelt down and held me tight to him as I cried on his shoulder.
"I'm so sorry... I'm so, so, fucking sorry!!" I sobbed, shaking hard from the crying I was doing and Axel squeezed me tightly while his hands rubbed reassuringly at my back and he nodded his head against my head.
"It's OK blondie... it's OK." He whispered into my hair against my ear and I started to tremble. I hadn't cried so hard in ages. My chest felt tight and my stomach was hurting and I felt sick. I was so angry! So fucking angry and I didn't fully understand why, I didn't understand why I had chosen them, why I was angry, why Axel had made me make this decision on my own... I didn't understand any of it and I was so pissed off and so upset all at once.
"I just... I need..." Axel cut me off, pulling away and placing a finger to my lips shaking his head.
"It's OK, you don't need to explain anything Roxie, OK? I get it." I shook my head. I didn't want him to get it! I didn't even get it! How could he get it?! I ran a hand through my blonde hair and Axel leaned forward and placed a soft kiss on my forehead and I threw my arms around him again and clung to him like he was the only thing keeping me alive.
"I love you, so fucking much." I sobbed, quiet enough so the others wouldn't hear and I felt Axel tense up slightly for a moment and then let out a long sigh.
"I love you too Roxas." He whispered and kissed my forehead before moving away from me and standing up.
Everything seemed to hit me solid in the face then, this was really happening, Axel was really leaving. I didn't want this; my god! Please can we just go back in time and forget about them? I want Axel! I love Axel! He's all I fucking need in my life!! I shook my head.
"Don't go, please don't go." Axel looked down at me and stroked my cheeks.
"Roxas this is it. This is what you've wanted your entire life... I'm not going to step in between you and your happiness." I felt my face screw up as I tried to fight back more tears and Axel took a step back from me, a small smile across his face and I felt a hand wrap around my wrist as it gently pulled me back. I didn't even notice really, my eyes were fixated on the redhead that was backing away from me. He was leaving me, I had left him and now he had the task of actually turning his back on me and leaving me here on my own...
Not only that, he was practically giving up ownership. Handing me over to someone else... I really didn't want this. I felt a pair of hands wrap around my waist and hug me tightly but still my stare remained on Axel.
"Goodbye Roxas." He whispered and before I had chance to answer he turned to the door, his head hung low. I had never seen Axel so broken in all my life and knowing I was the cause of it made me just want to die.
Axel turned and left, closing the door behind him.
That was the last I saw of the redhead.
*HIDES* Please do not kill me!! I have a very good explanation for a bad ending… hold your fire!!
I'm writing a sequel… I have most of the plan written up already and am just adding the finishing touches… so hopefully the sequel will be up and running very soon…
If people want it, that is ;)
So hit the review button and let me know how the final chapter went. I was going for emotional and sad… did I do a good job.
And that my readers, concludes yet another story… on a cliffhangy, sad ending… I really need to work on that… maybe a happy ending would be good once in a while too lol!!
Anyway, thank you all so much for reviewing and reading this and giving me the kick when I needed it as regards posting… I hope you all enjoyed the story (even the sad ending part, I actually had tears in my eyes when I was writing it lol)
Feel free to read my other stuff, I promise some of it is just happy, happy, happy!!!
Loves and stuff!!