Name: Cold.

Rating: T

Warnings: mentions of abuse, slight slash.

Summary: Matt has to say he's sorry for some mistakes he's made in the past.

Writer's notes: I was bored and I noticed there's almost no fics about Matt writing letters to Shannon, there's tons of Shannon writing ones to Matt but, never Matt writing notes to Shannon...I thought it would be a good story line for Matt to write a sorry note to Shannon. So here it is.

Disclaimer: Matt Hardy, Shannon Moore and any other wrestlers named in this story belong to themselves, the song is "Cold" By Crossfade (It so works)

Looking back at me,

I see that I never really got it right.

I never stopped to think of you.

I'm always wrapped in things i cannot win.

Dear Shannon,

I've been thinking back allot, Around a couple years ago...I feel bad because we never really worked that out...I know I did some sick things...to you...Some things I shouldn't have done...And the only thing I can say is I'm sorry. There, I said it. After 5 years of denying it, I said it. I'm sorry...I shouldn't have hurt you like that...

You are the antidote that got me by,

Something strong like a drug

That got me high...

To be honest Shannon, You meant allot to me, you still do, but, I try my hardest to stay away from you...Because I don't wanna hurt you again...

And to be honest, It killed me to hurt you the way I used to...To look at you, shaking and bleeding on the floor, begging for mercy killed me enough...but, to know I did that to you, made everything worse...I didn't want to do that to you, you were like my little brother growing up, You'd always hang with Jeff and I and I loved that, yeah, at first you were a little annoying, but, you're a great kid, and I loved you allot Shannon...I just got mad sometimes...

What I really meant to say...

Is I'm sorry for the way

I am...I never meant to be so cold.

And I know that's no reason to beat the shit out of you like I did. That was really wrong of me, I should have seen that...when you started cutting yourself...

Yes, Shannon I know you did it, I'm pretty sure you still do...But, I remember that one night, After I...did that to you, when I came back in, like I always did to check on you (You never knew it but, I would always come in after when it hit me to make sure you were okay)...You were on the floor, on your knees and you had a razor in your hand...I should have stopped you, but, I didn't know what to do Shannon, I didn't know what to say...so I didn't say anything...

What I really meant to say...

Is I'm sorry for the way

I am...I never meant to be so...

I'm sorry for humiliating you, and treating you like that on stage, even though it was no where near what I did to you in the locker room, but, beating you up in the ring was wrong of me...I know it made you feel horrible, because everyone knew you were my bitch...And I'm sorry about that, I never meant to hurt you like that...I admit it...I turned you into my bitch and I'm sorry...

Cold to you, I'm sorry about all the lies,

Maybe in a different light,

you can see me stand on my own again,

Cause now I can't see...

I know I should have listened to Jeff's warnings, he always told me "Matt, watch your temper, you're gonna hurt him." Even when the two of us hated each other, he told me that. I remember the one time when I beat you up in the ring for the first time because I wanted to 'bring V1 up a level' after I did that, beating on you and using you like I did then leaving you lying in the ring all alone, When I got back stage, all high on myself, and I remember turning that corner and having Jeff grab me by my shirt and pin me against the wall and he started to yell at me, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO HIM!" He screamed at me, I didn't answer him, I remember him just staring at me, he had dried tears on his face, then he let me go and yelled at me again. "STOP HURTING HIM! You beat him backstage enough! You don't have to do it in the ring! You're killing his self-esteem!" Then he slapped me across the face and walked away...

I know that same day was the day I got mad at you for walking in front of the TV, and I beat the hell out of you for that...That wasn't why I beat you, it was cause I was mad at Jeff so much, I couldn't help but, take it out on you...and I'm sorry...

You were the antidote that got me by,

something strong like a drug

that got me high...

To be honest Shannon, I didn't mean to abuse you at first, I didn't even know I was...I thought I was training you...since Jeff and me Trained each other, I never had a real trainer, so I thought that was what real trainers did...I thought I was giving you a lesson by beating on you like that...I know it sounds stupid but, its true.

Then when Shane found out about it and told me "Matt, you aren't training him, you're abusing him" I really wanted to stop...but, I couldn't, I would get angry and hurt you...

What I really meant to say...

Is I'm sorry for the way

I am...I never meant to be so cold.

But, honestly Shannon, I never meant to do that, I never meant to hurt you like that...I tried to stop, but, I just got so mad so fast, and I couldn't help it...Someone had to pay and I wanted to take it out on someone who was smaller then me...and someone who would let me...so I took it out on you, cause I knew you'd let me...I know its sick...But, I knew you wouldn't fight back, that's why I did that...I knew all you would do was lie there and beg me to stop...and most of the time...I never listened to you...

What I really meant to say...

Is I'm sorry for the way

I am...I never meant to be so cold...

And I'm sorry for that, I'm sorry I never listened, even when you cried, even when you begged, even when you cut because of it. Nothing stopped me, I felt horrible after, I really did. I would sit in my room and cry because of it, because I hate hurting you. Shannon you're pretty much my other brother...We grew up together, you're the funest and funniest and coolest guy to hang out with, I love how your always yourself since I ditched you...I love that about you, and even before I turned you into a mini me, you were so yourself, you weren't scared of being yourself and I loved that...I'm sorry I took that away from you for such a long time back then...I'm sorry for beating you into me, I never really wanted to do that...

I never really, wanted you to see

the screwed up side of me that I keep,

locked in side of me so deep.

It always seems to get to me.

Things just happened like that though...I couldn't help it, I got mad and I turned into a monster and beat you to a bloody pulp because I couldn't do anything else, Jeff told you I had a bad temper, you should have listened and stayed away from me, cause its true (as you know) I have a horrible temper and when I get mad and I get so mad, and I did back then, only worse, and I would get screwed up, real screwed up, I just saw red and things happened so fast and I couldn't help it...I guess that isn't a good reason, but, I can't help it...I never really wanted to show you the abusive, bad, screwed up, twisted, fucked up side of me that i hid from the whole world, the side only some people have seen...well...to be honest, I think you're the only one who's seen that side...Not even Jeff has...

I never really, wanted you to go,

So many things I should have known,

I guess for me there's no hope,

I never meant to be so cold.

And I never wanted to ditch you and go to RAW, I never did, but...Ugh, how do I say this? I didn't go to RAW and ditch you to get a better job, I did it cause I couldn't stand hurting you anymore...Hurting you time and time and time again, it really got to me, I felt horrible...I didn't know what else to do, so I left you alone, I know you paid for it by getting beat up by guys three times your size, and I'm sorry about that, but, it was better then me beating you half to death everyday...But, honestly...I left because I didn't want to hurt you anymore, I finally listened to Jeff screaming at me "YOU'RE GONNA KILL'EM!" And I left and tried to forget about you, hoping you'd do the same, I know it made me look like a dick and I'm sorry about that...

What I really meant to say...

Is I'm sorry for the way

I am...I never meant to be so cold.

I know that I made you feel alone and rejected when I did that, because things seemed so weird between us, I couldn't even talk to you cause I felt bad, I know it looked like I rejected you, that was why you started that whole 'reject' gimmick...I know I'm behind that...Cause that was when you started to throw your life away...Jeff told me about the drugs and drinking you got into, he blamed me of course...I guess he still doesn't know about the cutting, which I hope you don't do anymore...But, anyway Shannon...please take care of yourself, now that WWE fired you again, please take care of yourself, Get yourself help, stop drinking, stop cutting and get off the drugs, because seriously Shan, its gonna kill you if you don't stop, Jeff's worried about you...So please, take care of yourself...

What I really meant to say...

Is I'm sorry for the way

I am...I never meant to be so cold...

I doubt any of this means anything to you, I doubt you even care, I know you're probably still angry at me for what I did...and you have that right because what I did to you was so wrong, and I'm really sorry...And I mean that, I just hope you understand...I never meant to hurt you the way I did...

I never meant to be so cold...

~Matt.

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FIN

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