Hiiii. I know I should be updating 'Snow White Queen,' but here's something else involving the Volturi instead! This was written by my friend Bianca, and drastically edited and slightly tweaked by myself. When she makes an account and posts the original, I'll send word! I hope this amuses you to read as much as it amused us to write!
Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters, things, or places mentioned in the document below. This was all written for our entertainment and to appease evil plotbunnies. Enjoy!
It was a normal day in the Volturi castle... or so everyone thought. Everyone except for Aro, anyway. He was sitting in his personal bathroom and curling his long, luscious locks of silky black hair. Yes, this was a regular occurrence. When he was finished, he gracefully walked away without unplugging the curling iron. Usually a very unimportant detail, but this would set off an unpredictable chain of events that would make the other Volturi members very, very angry.
Minutes passed, eventually becoming hours. Aro, bless him, didn't have one of those nifty auto-turn-off-after-an-hour-of-disuse irons. Of course. But then who should wander into Aro's bathroom but our good friend Felix! Why you might ask? Well, he and Aro happened to be the only two vampires in the castle that day. The others were all out on annual "Pretend You are a Human Day." Yaaay. Felix had to stay to serve his duty as a guard, while Aro was running late to the event because he was too busy beautifying himself to check the time.
As soon as Aro departed, Felix was all alone.
As he was examining all of Aro's unnecessary beauty products, that clumsy little asshole tripped over the cord of the curling iron, thus causing it to blow sparks and eventually burst into flames as it hit the ground. The flames began to spread, and even though Felix flooded both the bathtub and sink, he could not force the mighty flames to recede! Felix soon found himself standing around the charred remains of what used to be the magnificent Volturi castle.
"Oh, what am I to do? Aro, Caius and Marcus are going to be furious when they get home...!" he glanced around self-consciously, not really expecting to see anyone, but received the shock of his vampiric life. Funny how these things work out, eh? "Oh shit! Here they come! I'm dead! I'm deaaaaaaaaad!" He cried dramatically, striking what he considered to be a 'doomed' pose. He had seen a cluster of vampires coming towards him, and of course, if there is a cluster of vampires in Italy, it had to be the Vampire Mafia themselves- the Volturi! So yes, the cluster was none other than Aro, Caius, and Marcus with the rest of the Volturi (because the names of the leaders always went in alphabetic order!) They were all decked out in human apparel, I might add, as part of their 'disguises'.
A moment of silence passed as they all took in the magnitude of what had occurred. Aro's (bright red) painted lips opened and closed in blank horror. Even the catatonic lump that was Marcus blinked. Twice. Twice meant that it was the end of the world. The silence was, predictably, shattered by the live wire of temper that is Caius. Anger management classes were being scheduled, thank you very much.
"WHAT THE *BLEEP* YOU *BLEEPING* SON OF A *BLEEP*ING PHILISTINE *BLEEP*!" There was more, but Caius expressed his anger in such a way that we had to censor the rest of his long tirade.
"Oh goodness gracious! Just to think of what happened to all our worldly possessions! Aro...MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! NOW!" Sulpicia demanded, grabbing the man in question and pulling him over. Aro patted her on the shoulder and gave her a peck on the forehead saying,
"Not to worry, my love! Objects can easily be replaced; the truly important possessions are the times and the memories we had here! But we must move on, for we can no longer use all of our precious worldly comforts. Nor will we be able to run our powerful empire from the useless pile of smoldering remains which used to be our home! This is all Felix's fault, but does that really come to a surprise to any of you? I think not. Anyway, we are all very strong vampires! Am I right, or am I right? Okay, well we can get through this! We just all need to come together, in order to cope with this horrible tragedy! I suggest we all come together in such a way that-"
"Aro! We are not going to have some huge orgy just because you need some comforting." Caius snapped coldly, eyes spitting fire at the effeminate male.
"Caius, what exactly is an orgy?" Sulpicia asked, batting her eyelashes innocently. She did not mean this in any suggestive way, as she was honestly quite clueless. Caius rolled his eyes, and Aro giggled before going off again.
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, everything is alright. I would break into song, but we don't have time for that. You see, I have a plan! Shocking, right?" He asked sarcastically. "Here it is: we are all going to get onto a marvelous human invention called an Aroplane and fly to Forks, Washington and become next door neighbors to my wonderful and handsome lover- I mean friend, Carlisle Cullen!" Aro announced excitedly. "Aren't I a genius?" He stated more than asked, as the question was purely rhetoric. He knew from experience that if he really did ask such a question Caius would rebuff him faster than you could say "OH SHIT!" The other Volturi members exchanged confused and disbelieving glances (except for Sulpicia who, of course, was just as excited as Aro was.)
"Okay, first of all... no! And it's called an airplane, numbnuts. I don't care what you say; we aren't moving to Forks." Athenodora snapped.
"I disagree! We are too moving to Forks!" Aro snapped back, sticking his tongue out like a pathetic human child. "I planned this out years ago. I wanted to be prepared in case the unthinkable happened, and it did! In fact, I even had a book published, so now I ask you all to read it and agree with me, because that would be the wise thing to do." With this said, Aro handed out copies of a book titled: Aro's Book that Tells You What To Do If the Unthinkable Happens. For Example, If the Castle Burns Down, We Should All Move To Forks! The book was only 57 pages long, so everyone finished reading it quite soon.
"That was the worst book I ever read; your grammar was done as though by a retarded five year old. Every other word was misspelled- just how did you get this abomination published? And why did you keep switching from Italian to English all the time? Couldn't you have just kept it all in one language, or was that too hard for your limited brain capacity to handle? In fact, I'm pretty sure there was even a sentence written in German- and you don't know German!" Caius criticized with his usual biting tone of voice.
"I did not ask for a review of the book! Especially not a rude one... That hurt my feelings!" Aro pouted for a moment before switching gears. Perhaps he was bipolar? "Now, as you were all reading, I developed my genius plan further! So, the guard, you will all stay undercover in Rome. We will keep in contact through text messages and cellular telephones. Felix, Demetri, Heidi, and my dear twins, however, will accompany us to Forks for we need their, er, special skills! Now, Demetri and Heidi, you will be a married couple living in a nice penthouse in Seattle. Heidi, your profession will be that of a model, and you will know Rosalie Cullen because you worked on some photoshoots together. Demetri, you will be an accountant for a bank called "WaMu," or something strange like that. You two don't have children yet."
"Thank god..." Heidi muttered under her breath, flashing a glare at Jane.
"I am not finished! Okay, Felix will be living with you, because he is trying to become a professional bodybuilder and is obviously failing since he can't buy his own apartment. Two houses in Forks have been purchased, one for Caius and Athenodora and one for Sulpicia, Jane, Alec and myself. Caius will be posing as a failed and disgraced and FAILED ex-author turned Kindergarten teacher at Forks Elementary school. Athenodora will work as a sales clerk at one of those big department stores that sell those cheap, ugly clothes for overweight humans, like, um... Macy's! Also, I hear they also have a huge parade for some holiday where American humans eat lots of birds and do mean things to the Native people of the Americas. That should be a blast!" Aro exclaimed. Caius glowered, but then again, does he ever not?
"Why do you get to decide all of this, Aro? I mean... me? A Kindergarten teacher? I HATE CHILDREN! No offense, Alec. And Jane, take that as the most offensive thing you have ever heard in your whole useless existence."
"DADDY! Caius is mean. Make him stop!" Jane whined, giving Aro and adorable pout. Alec looked at her strangely. "What? If he's going to pretend to be our father, I should at least start calling him 'daddy'. Right?" Jane asked, turning her big puppy-dog eyes back to Aro.
"Why yes, of course, my princess!" Aro smiled, petting her head. "Anyways, I get to decide because unlike you, I do nothi- I mean, I took the time to plan this! Now, I must get to the best part of my plan! I intend to take up the profession as a psychological doctor, and will work in the same office as Carlisle! Sulpicia will be a housewife, and stay home to take care of our two beautiful darling children, Jane and Alec, who will be attending Forks High School alongside Edward and his other siblings whose names I can't remember right now. Edgar... Rosalind? Jordan... Whatever. Caius, your house is right across the street from mine, so even though we will be separated, we will still be together! Isn't this all so wonderful?" He gushed, red eyes shining. The others were all about to scream at him for the next hour but they were stopped before they could even start. "We don't exactly have time to talk right now. Our private Aroplane is about to land in that conveniently located field over there in about five minutes. I already paid for everything. When we get there, we're going to go shopping for new belongings! See, this isn't going to be as bad as you thought it would be!" Aro exclaimed happily.
"You're right. It's going to be much worse." Marcus deadpanned.
"Oh dear me! I seem to have forgotten you! Oh well, you will just live with me as my depressed alcoholic brother who lost his home because he has no money due to unemployment." Aro beamed. They all made their way to the remote field, complaining mentally. Just as they got there, the plane landed. Again, it's funny how these things work out, isn't it?
"I always knew that Aro would eventually screw everything up beyond repair..." Caius lamented as he boarded the airplane.