Disclaimer: I own my computer, the ability of my fingers to type, ummm, a few good adjectives but basically nothing more, and certainly not anything related to Twilight.
Dammnit! I could hear him outside. He was shouting, not out loud but forcefully in his head, "BELLA!"
What doesn't he understand? What the hell is he doing here? Jacob. For God's sake, get over her already. She told you her choice! She let you down as easily as she could all the while breaking her heart in two…let her go! I wished that he could hear my internal shouting as easily as I could see his tormented, longing fantasies. SHE IS MINE!
I had just about played my very last "I will be understanding" card. I was so far beyond any rational thought when it came to Jacob and Bella that I nearly flew off the bed, through the pane of the window, to grapple him to the ground and have done with him once and for all. She IS mine. My patience was wearing very, very thin.
"Hey bro, you want me to deal with the mutt?" It was Emmet, clearly reading my understated snarl, a snarl that Bella had not even noticed while she was curled up at my side, reading her ever-present favorite, The Complete Works of Jane Austen. Everyone in the house knew he was out there waiting and watching except for my Bella. What is he doing? Of course I knew that Alice's mind was a blank slate when it came to the wolves but I was really asking myself. All I could see in Jacob's mind was his desperation and his inhuman need for Bella.
"No, man, thanks. I've got this one. But it would help me immensely if you guys could all go out on a spur of the moment hunting trip," I murmured as if humming a tune, so quietly that Bella only smiled at my utterance, having no idea what was really going on.
Alice interjected quickly, "Edward you know how much it will hurt her if anything happens to him! We should stay. You do not want to do this!"
Ahh, my sweet, pixie-sister Alice--always on guard. She had this one wrong though, I suppose my thoughts had turned rather quickly to ripping said mongrel's head from his neck and shredding his chest in two, but I'd had the luxury of seconds to consider the way in which to best get the realization of Bella's belonging solely to me across to the goon. And it did not involve any physical violence to him although I was pretty sure his heart might feel like it was ripped out of his chest after what I was I about to do to him, and to Bella.
"Edward," Alice had quickly flashed through the beginning of my new plan before shutting herself off, "That is wicked!" She clearly approved, but reminded me in her usual no-nonsense manner that Bella must never know what this was all about.
With her on my side there was no problem in getting the rest of them to empty the house.
That left me and Bella, silence and solitude and the time in which to do whatever we wanted. After that first night with the cake we had taken a step back. It had almost been too much. We knew now that we could be together completely without killing each other, but our need for each other had been so totally overwhelming that it seemed we were both in silent agreement to wait until we were wed. Oh, she would be my wife! My non-beating heart boasted with joy, another thought I wished Jacob could hear while he was out there willing Bella to come to him.
We had been chaste in the extreme. It had been hard, without doubt, to keep our hands and often even our lips from each other. But silently we agreed that the next time we made love would be when we were man and wife. I relived every single Technicolor moment in my head, though, all night long while she slept so closely in my arms. Her dreams had quieted down since our love making, as if she was satisfied now. That brought a smile to my face. Bella suddenly looked over at me, through the veil of her glorious hair as if she could hear my very pleasant remembrance.
It certainly was not as if our need for each other had diminished, I chuckled as I felt longing from her shoot straight from her smoldering eyes through to my very male being and down to my tingling toes. We both just felt satisfied with our successful "practicing". Lord knew it took every ounce of my self-control to simply hold her safely in my arms night after night while thinking about the way she had held me in her hot mouth and then her warm insides.
Now I could not help but groan out loud. Thank god everyone had left the house; this groan was much more of a growl when it escaped my cold lips. I could tell the effect of my sounds on Bella as her eyes widened and her luxurious mouth dropped open just enough to invite me.
This night I would show her just how much she haunted me. I had witnessed her dreams every night; sometimes she gasped my name and pressed herself against me while I clenched my fists to keep from dragging her by her strawberry scented tresses straight up my body so I could delve my tongue into her mouth and my cold hardness right into her wet heat.
I closed my eyes now on the intense, immediate longing and temptation and pinched the bridge of my nose. She was all too familiar with this move. Astute as ever, Bella laid her book aside with quiet grace, she thought she was so clumsy, ha! She had no idea what I had already planned in my mind, and she had no idea why. Of course I wanted to feel her slender scorching body seeping all around me again, that was a given, but I also meant this to be a final warning and reminder to Jacob that I had her, I had had her and I did have her in my bed every night, and that in two days she would be mine forever….eternally.
"'Are you okay Edward?" Ahh, she was so damn innocent of her beauty. How could she not see it, when the entire male population of Forks was hell-bent on having her? I had to think she knew her pull on me…but then I didn't know. What I wouldn't give for one hour to delve inside her mind and draw her secrets out.
I gathered myself together with my "superhuman willpower" as Bella liked to call it. Deep, unnecessary breaths. Regaining focus. I briefly wondered if this might be the most evil thing I would ever do. Then I realized I did not care, I was so tired of playing fair, and I had freely admitted before both Bella and Jacob that I would not play fair. I had had her, and I would always have her. One night was enough to cement that in my being, and soon it would be solidified for all time. It just didn't seem that Jacob was getting it as clearly as he should. So I would make it patently obvious and clear as glass so to speak.
I coughed lightly to cover up the restriction in my dangerously choking throat, all of this intense reaction wrought simply by remembering the feel of her and now seeing the look of her in her usual attire of flannel pj's and a tank top. God help me when she starts to delve into the diaphanous stuff that Alice has purchased for her!
Clearing my throat again when I saw the warm brown of her eyes dilate and widen at my impassioned expression, I silkily rumbled, "I've been having a fantasy."
This was the absolute truth. I had imagined vividly over and over again, as my poor tortured family could certainly attest to, making love to her against the glass wall of windows in my bedroom. I could easily envision the transparent, cold panes against her back as I slid myself up, equally arctic, between her legs. With Bella wedged between two cool planes, I knew it would be erotic torture for her as well as for me as I tried with all my might not to shatter either her or the windows. I was eager to test my self control, to test my resolve, my strength against her. I also had a feeling that she would enjoy it just as much as me. And I simply could not rid my mind of the image of her pressed against that reflective surface.
I shook my head ferociously! This was never going to work if I was already halfway gone before I even told her my intentions. I just could not wrap my head around the vision of her arching and gasping between me and the mirrored image in the windows!
Added bonus, Jacob would see us. Oh, I certainly would not let him see her in all her glory. There were certain things that I would allow her, and myself, tonight in full view of the windows that would make it crystal clear to him that this deed was done. There was certainly no shame in her undressing me where he could see. I would let her have her way with me completely. Draping Bella in on of my shirts so nothing of her body could be viewed from behind I would press her against the glass. All he would see was me on her.
There was something which I had not let myself do yet that I was more than eager for. The tangy floral hot scent wafting from between her legs was so much more ludicrous than her blood could ever be and I had yet to allow myself to taste it. I imagined pressing my mouth, tongue and lips to her tonight while she arched her back against the windows. Hauling her legs around my neck, I would hold her writhing hips against my mouth. Jacob would see nothing except what I was doing to her. Then I would press the button to close the steel shutters before I laid waste to my shirt on her. It would be only us in our pure need.
In the few seconds it took me to run through this in my mind, I was already struggling for breath. Looking at me with her eyes heavy lidded, Bella read my intentions immediately. I imagined I looked like a panther about to pounce; as usual she was not nearly as scared as she should be.
"And your fantasy is?" she raised one sharp eyebrow at me, simultaneously amused and excited.
"I'd like to test our self control again. Could you go to the bathroom and put on this shirt please?"
Confusion tainted Bella's blush. I clarified, "Only my shirt, if you don't mind, and please button it up." I casually tossed her the shirt I had just been wearing and smiled when she actually managed to catch it. Her immediate reaction was to bring the soft cloth to her face and inhale deeply of my scent. Without a word, and only a coy look, Bella walked to the bathroom.
When she returned, my eyes roamed over her figure. She had saucily left the first three buttons undone revealing just the barest slice of the curves of her breasts.
Bella giggled, "Edward, if this is all you've been fantasizing about then I'm not sure I'm doing my job properly." Hands on her hips, that delicate eyebrow rising again, she was utterly breathtaking and she had no idea.
"And….I'd like to see you against that wall," I finished my explanation as I pointed to the windows where the moonlight was shafting in. Her eyes widened in instant need.
Her quick gasp, "Now?"
"Yes," my answer was hard and brooked no disobedience.
Shakily, she took her hands from her hips and braced herself. She pulled right at my heartstrings and much lower with her unknowing sensuality as she glided to the far wall of my room, her fathomless darkened eyes never leaving my face.
"That was quite a feat," I teased. Normally she would have tripped over her own feet walking straight ahead! Shaking her head in mock ferocity Bella stuck her tongue out at me. The tongue that had been wrapped so eloquently and intimately around my own hard member during our previous encounter. Strained shudders rippled from my tense shoulders, across my chest and took up residence in the pit of my belly and lower where I became fully unbearably erect in a strong surge.
Slinking off the bed, I followed her mindful to keep my steps steady and measured so as not to startle her. Her eyes did not leave my face but for a moment to take in the wide vista of my bare chest that sparkled in the pale rays of the moon and to lower quickly to the apparent bulge reaching just below the waistband of my jeans. I licked my own lips slowly as her fiery gaze took me in.
Jacob breathed a sigh of relief as Bella backed up to the wall of windows…would he never leave? I could guarantee the young pup would not want to see what was coming next. There was nothing on this earth like Bella impassioned!
And I knew Jacob had a clear view of me when his thoughts turned murderous and black. Good! Given an ounce of provocation I still wouldn't mind ripping his heart out.
Stopping precisely a foot away from Bella, I could see her heart thrumming in her throat, her blood pulsing frantically in her veins. Her heartbeat had scattered as soon as I started stalking towards her and had not yet settled down. I doubted that it would tonight. A sensual smile chased across my lips.
Nonchalantly leaning with my side against the wall of windows, I turned Bella to face me so Jacob could see us both in profile, a lovers' silhouette. From her fingertips my hands skimmed smoothly up her arms, the heat radiating from her skin beneath my shirt. Just the idea, the vision, of her in my shirt and nothing more shook me to the core. The next breath I inhaled was deep and ragged. I wished I could be my shirt and wrap myself all around her, just skimming her luminous flesh.
When I reached the collar I grasped it in both cold hands and spread the fabric wide; it took a mighty portion of willpower to restrain myself from ripping it straight down the front! Especially when Bella's eyes jumped open and I could see how quickly the brown in them turned hot and deep. Still holding the shirt wide, just exposing the top curve of her breasts, just to me, I leant down and licked those sweet hills from one side to the other. The taste of her singing blood infused her flesh.
Jacob's reaction to Bella lifting her hands to tangle in my hair while I swept my slightly open mouth across her skin, up her throat and along her jaw, was furious and wild! Good. As I moved my cold lips onto Bella's open mouth I took a glimpse from Jacob's eyes. If only I could watch and shut off his thoughts, I would have enjoyed the sight of myself and Bella embracing so passionately it looked like we were striving to be one entity. As it was, Jacob's thoughts turned bleak and I felt his hate; hate for me foremost swiftly followed by revulsion for himself at how weak he was that he could not let Bella go, and even worse that he couldn't turn away from this mating that would haunt him for the rest of his life. But his thoughts of Bella remained anything but loathsome. Only sadness, despair, love, and unpolluted overwhelming idiotic lust thronged through him with each thought of my love!
Unfortunately I had not fully thought this out; usually my plans were well formulated and analyzed from every angle before I took action. Bella made me do things that tripped me up and confused me, and made me think twice only when it was too late. With my lips grazing and sucking on Bella's, and her whimpering sweet sounds at the back of her throat, I was instantly horrified to discover Jacob's next feelings. Somehow in his love for Bella, his desire, he picked up the thread of our lovemaking and twisted it into his own fantasy. Way for the plan to backfire Edward! Now I could see him envisioning himself in my place--Never!--and that was not an idea I had even contemplated.
Right, let's smash that notion once and for all! After what I was going to do next, I had no doubt that Jacob would want nothing more than to crawl back to La Push trying to scrub the mental images from his mind.
Reaching with both hands into Bella's rich hair at her temples I tilted her head back until her throat arched like liquid silver in the moonlight. She moaned under her breath. I let my icy fingers glide backwards through the length of it, my hands tingling and capturing the warmth. A slight shake of her head was followed by a gasp. As I reached the silken end of her hair I grasped it in one fist and wound the entire length of it around my forearm. We both stopped breathing. I was sure there was steam rising from the contact of her living hair wrapped sinuously around my glacial arm. My harsh breath returned and I dipped my lips to Bella's ear to remind her, "Breathe, love." Her lungs drew in air at the touch of my words and her dazzled eyes found mine in absolute yearning.
I ran my free hand up along the fragile center of her spine before settling it against her neck.
I desperately wanted to yank her head back by her hair and thrust my tongue right in to her mouth. Control, Edward. I closed my eyes quickly against the sight of her little teeth almost scissoring into her full bottom lip. This would be so much easier after she was turned, I would not need to exert superhuman force on my male desires. I would be able to let go completely without hurting her.
Instead of roughly pulling her head back, I did just that but with agonizing slowness and tenderness until her neck bowed backwards against my hand at her nape. All the while her hair coiled around my arm sent a trail of fire racing through my body. Bella's trembled as I stepped up to her and pressed us together.
Curving over her, imagining myself to be the shirt on her shivering body, I tilted my face to hers. Our lips met this time with a clash like the impact of a glacier against the prow of a ship. When her sizzling tongue snuck into my mouth I sucked it with my lips, shielding her from my teeth. Reason deserted me until I could feel Bella's body constricting for breath; only then did I tear my lips away from hers so she could gasp in the air that I exhaled upon her.
A quick flicker to Jacob showed that all his rampaging thoughts had stopped. I was grimly satisfied but sought to turn the knife deeper when I let the sensuous length of Bella's hair slowly unwind from the rigid muscles of my forearm, watching her dance and sway beneath the release. With both hands now free I once again rested them on her collarbone before running them tantalizingly over the blue shirt and her taut body, stopping briefly to brush backward and forward over her nipples. Mine. This thought was strong and adamant and true.
Bella's breath had returned and with it her low voice, "Mmm, Edward. You haven't told me yet what your idea was." Her slight body twisted and moved against me with nothing of the awkwardness she always worried about. She was all woman and she had discovered the full power she held over me. "Edward," she whispered right next to my mouth so that a mouth-watering gust of air brushed across my frozen lips. Her hands reached up and starting at the nape of my neck they crushed themselves to my head and grasped my hair in a grip that made it almost impossible for me to remember that dog outside.
I groaned and Jacob's thoughts came unbidden this time, he was watching the hem of the shirt riding dangerously high as Bella's fingers raked through my hair. He was actually chanting in his head like a stupid teenager at a high school pep rally, "Higher! Higher! Higher!" Ugh. At least this one was easy to squelch I thought as I ran my hands roughly down her back to cup the shirttails securely against her lush round bottom. In this position it was easy to haul her across the last half step between us so that she was fully pressed against my hips. I smiled gleefully at the sheer silence of Jacob's crestfallen thoughts.
God in Heaven, will he never leave? How warped was this boy? Maybe he was rooted to the spot, frozen in place and just needed one more shove over the brink to let reality sink in enough to put his feet in motion. He had certainly taken all he could from this…had it been me in his place I would have been all the way to Canada by now gouging the visions from my head! Or I would have shot straight through the glass wall, grabbed him by his throat and thrown him into the trees beyond the burbling river in the distance!
So, one last jolt to get him out of here, to elucidate the solidity of mine and Bella's relationship, to make him see that she would come to me alone. I looked down to see Bella returning my smile from earlier, her eyes hooded and twinkling. Aaah, it looks like she's going to take care of this one herself! The weft of her lips turned wicked beneath my unwholesome gaze, the temptress was back. Needing to brace myself for what she was about to do, I pleaded with her silently, "Please just leave that shirt buttoned!" Bella's pale fingers reached from my heaving torso and rested over my rippling stomach. Like a snow drift turning to liquid in the sun, the cold muscles of my abdomen melted beneath her fingers. From there those light frail tips dipped to the waist of my jeans and I knew I did not envy Jacob watching this, me reveling in Bella's divine touch.
But Jacob would not see more than this…I had already revealed too much of Bella to him. No longer caring if he stayed out there all night long, every single night of our unending lives, I would no longer let him to intrude on my thoughts, my love, my pleasure in Bella. This was sacrosanct, a blessing beyond any I deserved and by using Bella's passion to hurt another person I was making it something malevolent. I pressed the button on the side of the wall and the shutters whirred down silently, closing out not only sight but sound. A smile of relief stretched across my face. Even Jacob's raging could not intrude now.
Bella looked up briefly, puzzled, "What's that all about?"
"Privacy," I said softly.
"Gone, they've all gone out. Everyone is gone." And the one I was thinking of was Jacob. Suddenly Bella's fingers lingering on my jeans were wrong to me. Or was I wrong to her? Wrong for her. What had I done?
"Wait! What are we doing? Are we just practicing again or…?" Bella caught her breath and waited. As usual I could not tell her thoughts, whether she was hoping we would make love completely tonight or if she still wanted to wait until we were husband and wife. And by now it didn't matter one way or the other.
"Actually, we're not doing anything. But I have been busy torturing someone, and you are not going to like me very much for it," my voice turned hard and my face twisted in the pain I was about to cause her.
"Jacob!" she gasped, her doe-like eyes instantly flitting to the windows. Understanding dawned on her face and with it came horror, anger, and suffering, "He was there?"
I nodded my head once.
Instead of desire, rage flushed her cheeks bright red. This was so stupid; the error of my asinine plan was suddenly made plain once again. I had never seen her react like this, had my devious scheme backfired on me so fully that she would not be able to forgive me, that she would run out of the house to console Jacob?
"Did you enjoy yourself?" She was shaking with barely veiled anger.
Self-loathing filled me. My head dropped and I ran a sad hand through my hair, where her hands had only just moments ago twisted in ardor. Would I ever know that feeling again?
My voice was racked with distaste for myself; how I hated that I'd given in to my darker side! "Bella, I know I should not even attempt to defend myself. There is nothing chivalrous in what I have done tonight, nothing that bears a defense. But, you have no idea--," a shaky breath shook my body. "You have no idea what I have had to witness in your unbreakable need for Jacob, in his unstoppable desire for you. That night in the tent, the night before Victoria came to kill you. The one night in all my life that I wished I could sleep through, one of the worst nights of my entire existence, a night to rival the one during which I thought you were dead, a night to challenge all the torment when I tried to keep myself away from you those devastatingly endless months! The night in the tent was almost worse because I could feel you slipping away, of your own choice."
"Can you have any idea what it was like for me? To sit in the corner, as far from you as possible so that I wouldn't make you any colder than you already were? To sit, and be awake, and watch, and hear and see Jacob pressed as close to you as I never could? His thoughts were not chaste," at this I gave a harsh laugh. The sound was full of the agony I continued to relive.
"If you only knew what I saw in his head, what he could do to you that I could not, not just warming your body but so much more than that…his ability to have you without killing you! It nearly killed me. And I came closer to ending his life that night than ever before. The only thought that stopped me was that you needed his warmth. It was surely the most excruciating night of my life, in a way I had not even contemplated before."
"So the answer to your question so many months ago, about why I didn't want you to go to La Push or be near Jacob, was it really because he was a young, uncontrollable werewolf or was it something akin to jealousy? Yes! It was jealousy, envy, anger!! You could have gone to him at any moment and been so much better off and I would not allow that!"
"You see, I have committed atrocities. I am not perfect. When I tricked you into acknowledging our engagement that morning after in the tent, I wanted to pound your love for me straight into Jacob's brain and I wanted him to hurt as much as I did in thinking of you with him. I am anything but noble when it comes to you, Bella."
Throughout this Bella was still and silent, my quiet, rough voice shattering her illusions of me; I could not meet her eyes as I continued baring my forsaken, deadened soul.
"Even the simplest things like riding your motorbike with him when you would not deign to ride with me. Ugh, Bella! You twisted my non-existent heart right out of my chest with that! And allowing him to give you presents when you ungraciously told me again and again that you wanted nothing else from me. Can't you see? You allow him liberties that you don't extend to me, you hold him in your heart alongside me!"
"Bella, I am breaking in two over here. I will still admit it though. Yes, tonight I did enjoy myself. I almost don't regret shoving the knife of your passion for me into his back. Thinking of you with Jacob is insufferable. How it rips my body in half, knowing he has held you all night long, that he has kissed your precious lips and you returned that kiss. I saw that! I have only ever tried to be dignified for you so that you could make the choice between me and Jacob without having to take my feelings into consideration. Bella, love, if I had a heart to be broken it would have been shredded many, many times over. I snapped, and I was selfish; I wanted to thrust our love so forcefully into his face that he would stay away from you forever! It was either that or…," I did not want to finish this thought.
"Or what?" Bella whispered.
"Or gouging his blood-engorged heart straight out of his chest," I snarled. How could she make me feel so heavenly and full of life yet still cause me to have evil thoughts, such deranged, devious tendencies?
As I unwillingly and slowly lifted my plagued, devastated gaze to her face, I saw her understanding of my sorrow change her expression. In realization, her face softened and she reached to me with her ivory hands.
"Why didn't you tell me? I knew it. I knew how much I was hurting both of you, but because you were so selfless I just let myself continue. Edward, there was never more than an imaginary instant that I considered myself with Jacob instead of you. How could I have made you doubt yourself so much? You are the reason I want to live forever, my life without you would only be worth ending on the spot. I'msorry. So sorry! Please look at me," she pleaded.
I sighed deeply and lifted my sad eyes to hers. She was so enchanting, so beautiful, so angelic. "Edward Cullen, you will be my husband and I will be your wife, there is nothing in this world I want more. There is no other man for me, and even if you left me in this moment, there would never be another. You inhabit me. You are mine just as surely as I am yours!" she uttered zealously before she crawled across the bed and nestled against my shoulder. "I love you," was her sweet sigh.
Tremulous hope beat against my chest.
My hands unclenched to stroke her locks. I was wary. Had she really just heard all of the unrighteous thoughts and deeds I had undertaken and forgiven me? More than that, had she understood?
After these moments of acknowledgement, Bella raised her face to mine, whispered her breath across my chin and simpered, "Edward, you still haven't told me exactly what your fantasy is." That tremulous hope now soared as if with wings, I did not repulse her even with my darkest imaginings!
She had such a knack for distraction. A crooked smile tilted my lips, "Haven't you guessed?"
She gave a quick shake of her head, her glossy hair floating on the air.
"I have this fantasy about you….becoming my wife," I grinned at her.
"You are impossible Edward Cullen," Bella screeched! I winced but laughed at her outrage. "You're never going to tell me are you?"
"Hmmm. I suppose I could still show you, if you think you'd be interested in making love to an old reprobate like me," I leered and winked at her.
"You are the sexiest, oldest, reprobate I've ever met, Edward. And yes, I do think I am interested in finding out exactly what's been going on in that 100-year-old mind of yours. Especially when you keep looking at me like that!"
"Like what?" I questioned, lowering my voice to a husky undertone and gazing at her with all the need she made me feel in every fiber of my body.
"Like a mountain lion about to feast on its favorite meal," Bella stated with mock horror alight in her eyes while an impish grin spread her irresistible lips.
"Ha!" My laughter resounded across the room and swept through the forest. Loud enough that I caught glimpses of Alice, Emmet, and Jasper grinning in relief that the worst was over.
"Edward, why don't you just tell me out loud?" she asked with seductive quietness, her sudden longing for me catching in the back of her throat. She turned her wicked eyes to me once again and finished, "You are such a prude!"
"I just dare you to say that in a couple of minutes love," I replied. I kept my voice low, hard and velvety smooth as I started unzipping my jeans.