A/N: God, it's been FOREVER since I've been on this site. Here's a little parody/satire I wrote about BATB for my English class. I warn you, it's a bit convoluted and deviants from the movie a lot. If at any moment you get confused, that's completely normal.
Disclaimer: As if Disney owns this… FYI it's really a French fairy tale, but Disney has the right on it right now, so no I don't own whatever Disney owns.
DogGirl and the Playboy
In a land far away probably in France or England… no I take that back, it's somewhere in the U.S. There lived the most unfortunate DogGirl. DogGirl all her life had been cursed with a dog-like appearance, fur, floppy ears, large canines etc. She lived with her father, a computer programmer, agoraphobic and a misanthrope. She didn't know who her mother was, which seems to always be the case in stories like this. Even though she constantly begged her father to tell her what her mother was like, hoping it would shed some light on her odd appearance, the most she ever got out of him was that it involved a dark and stormy night, two bottles of vodka and a golden retriever. Then he told her to leave him alone while he tried to brake past
China's firewalls thank you very much. Long ago, she had learned that her father was a category of people all his own. There were people who lived normal lives and dealt with the human condition one day at a time, and then there was her Father who spammed foreign countries.
At school, DogGirl was often the butt of jokes. All her school pictures were disasters and she spent a lot of time hiding behind the trash bin for fear that someone might put a leash on her, take her home and ask their mommy if they could keep her. Her teachers tried to help her, but the little bacon-flavored bone shaped biscuits they gave her just made it worse. She tried many ways to make herself appear more acceptable. Unable to go outside for fear of an anxiety attack, her father gave her a credit card that was linked to his Paypal account and she went to a hair stylist to see what could be done about her enormous amount of fur.
The stylist directed her to the pet groomer next door. The pet-groomer made her look like a two-legged schnauzer, little Scottish kilt and all. The pet-groomer also told her to use horse shampoo instead of Herbal Essence and to eat an egg a day to make her fur soft and glossy.
She went to the local clothes retailer, Abercrombie & Bitch to get some stylish clothes. But stripes were in that year, and the store clerk told that all the little toy dogs that were often brought usually turned their noses up at stripes. They looked so much better in polka-dots anyway.
She paid a visit to a plastic surgeon to see what he could do. When she came into his office, she noticed a plaque that said "Beauty is in eye of the Beholder." She thought it was nice and told him that she wanted to appear beautiful in everyone's eyes. He made her sign some forms and then put her under the knife. What she didn't know was that the surgeon had mistaken which species the beholder belonged too.
She walked out with a tail, a blacker nose, an elongated tongue and a written prescription telling her to walk on all fours from now on.
As she got older most people had learned to control their urges to stare at her and instead would gawk at something else instead so as not to embarrass her more. Some even went as far as holding beauty pageants and not inviting her just to show how considerate of her feelings they were being. Sometimes when she walked through the park, someone would throw a stick and tell her to fetch it, but it was never meant in mean spirit. Usually they really did think she was a two-legged dog and could not apologize enough for it.
She had but one friend, Geekboy. Geekboy was a pimply-faced awkward little kid with a small patch of fuzz crawling across his upper lip, who at most tolerated her because she knew C+ code. He spent most of his time being oblivious, preferring the World of Warcraft instead of the real world and often called her "Chewy" instead of DogGirl, which she resented. For the most part he was boring, preferring to talk about 2001 A Space Odyssey as opposed to Angelina Jolie's new baby. But they found ways to have fun by editing Wikipedia together and writing their own internet comics.
After DogGirl graduated High school, she went out to find a job instead of going to college due to a world-wide economic recession which she suspected was partly caused by her father's spamming escapades. She auditioned at the local theatre. But the director could not find a use for someone with her unique appearances in that year's production of CATS. She then applied to be a secretary, but one of the job requirements was you had to sexy, which she was not. She would have become a factory worker, but most of those jobs were being shipped overseas and the last thing she wanted was to be on the receiving end of one of her father's nasty pieces of spyware. She tried to be a retailer at Abercrombie & Bitch, but apparently you had to look good in the clothes you were selling, because the models on the walls were insufficient of clothes. Unfortunetely for her stripes were in again. Lastly out of complete desperation, She tried to join the circus, but the ringleader told her they were not in need of a dog-faced girl. They were however in great need of a dog-faced boy to go along with their female centaur, and asked if she had any brothers.
DogGirl was out of options, and was tired of living with her cynical father. She packed her bags and left town, venturing out into the woods. She walked for a very long time and soon was lost. When night began to fall she found herself at the gates of what appeared to be a huge mansion or castle. Disregarding the oddity of finding such a large structure in the depths of the woods and entirely disregarding guest etiquette as well, she swung open the gate and entered into the house. Inside she discovered much to her shock a whole gamut of dancing furniture. The dancing furniture were very hospitable and when she asked who was the owner of the house they led her upstairs to a weight room where she met Playboy. Playboy was pumping iron on his Bowflex and when he saw a large, furry creature that walked on two legs come through the door, he screamed and climbing up to the top of the benchpress, threatened to through a 20 lb weight at her if she came nearer. DogGirl had never seen anyone like Playboy in real life and was immediately infatuated by him, and indeed she had every right to be. Playboy was an ex Disney channel star, a former member of a boy band, and a supermodel extraordinaire. For the next week Playboy and DogGirl played a sort of cat and mouse game where Playboy would hide and hope the big hairy creature would leave him alone and DogGirl would come find him and attempt to describe her undying love for him before he was able to escape. It wasn't until she had terrified all of his house guests during his annual pool party did he see that having something this un-fabulous stalking him in his own house just simply would not do, and he also thought the clothes she wore made her look fat. So he told her that if she was going to stay, she had to stay outside.
So DogGirl was forced to love him from afar, out in his backyard. The dancing furniture often came out to visit her and she made friends with all the woodland creatures in the woods, except the squirrels, which she ate. She had the best times of her life sitting out on Playboy's backyard patio with her newfound friends singing songs about lily ponds, dwarves, Christmas, and house cleaning. If people attending one of Playboy's many night raves complained about the occasional out-of-season Christmas caroling that sometimes over-powered the techno-dance music, he would assure everyone it was just the family hound.
Meanwhile back in town, Geekboy was finding himself even more lonely than usual. After DogGirl had left, there was absolutely no one he could talk to about how much he hated the new Windows Vista or Elrond's' elvin ancestry. While blogging, he caught pieces of conversation on Facebook about the supposed singing family hound down at Playboy's mansion. There was no mistaking that it was DogGirl.
It was then that he began to reminisce about DogGirl and when he had forced her to watch all the Naruto episodes in a row, and how she had pretended to get all of his Monty Python references. He also remembered how she had feigned interest when he ranted about how he couldn't get past the Boss in Halo, or had comforted him when Captain America died, and even half-heartedly tried to learn Cling-on when spent a year speaking nothing but Cling-on. But above all, she had given him the closest thing he was ever going to get to a date by agreeing to go see the new Clone Wars movie with him as long she could disguise herself by wearing a burka and tell everyone she was really from Iran. It was then that Geekboy realized that he rather liked DogGirl. So he took it upon himself to go rescue her from Playboy's mansion.
With his mind made up, Geekboy donned his Batman outfit and a pair of elvin ears. He grabbed his satchel which contained a map of Mordor, his rarest Pokémon cards, a plastic toy light saber, his Xbox, and a towel. He looked up the coordinates of Playboy's mansion on Mapquest, then hopped aboard Shadowax, his trusty Segway and trundled off into the woods after DogGirl.
Back at the mansion, Playboy was having a terrible and most un-fabulous day. It had started to snow, and DogGirl had gotten into the house because she was cold. She was trying to get him to snuggle with her next to the fire and he wanted none of it. Usually he liked forward girls, but this ugly hairy thing was just being too forward for his taste. Suddenly a person of somewhat short stature awkwardly stormed in wearing ill-fitting tights, elf ears, brandishing a red light saber in one hand, and making the Vulcan hand sign with the other while mumbling something about life and prosperity. The dweeby dork then addressed Playboy by demanding the whereabouts of someone by the name of "Chewy." Playboy, furious that so much nerdy buffoonery had dared to even step foot on his property immediately retaliated by saying that he had no idea what Geekboy was talking about. Embarrassed, DogGirl stood up and told Geekboy to go home. But Geekboy was adamant that he was not leaving without her. DogGirl explained that she would much rather stay with Playboy and attempted to hug Playboy in the process. But Playboy couldn't stand being so close to this unsightliness and quickly backed away, tripped over a piece of dancing furniture, fell out the window and died. DogGirl was much grieved and was comforted only by the fact that as Playboy fell to his death, he had looked hot a sexy while doing it.
Geekboy took his chance and told DogGirl that he loved her and wanted to marry her. DogGirl couldn't help but feeling very depressed because Geekboy was a very far cry indeed from the suave and handsome Playboy. But she didn't have the heart to tell him no either. So they lived together in the mansion until Geekboy one day found one of Playboy's used condoms lying on the floor and, not knowing what it was, ate it, choked on it, and died.
It was then that DogGirl was able to live by herself, away from the scrutinizing eyes of the public, with her friends the dancing furniture and all the woodland creatures except the squirrels all living harmoniously in the mansion where they could sing all the songs about lily ponds, dwarves, Christmas, and house cleaning they wanted without the annoying party guests to complain. When the house became too squalid and decrepit to live in, they moved to the Northwestern forests of the U.S and Canada where they reside now. The moral of the story, since there's always a moral to these stories I guess, is that Bigfoot is really a girl, and remember to always ALWAYS use protection.