Title: Damn You, Eriol Hiiragizawa

Fandom: Card Captor Sakura/xxxHolic/Tsubasa

Characters: Touya, Yukito, Syaor(o)n, Kimihiro, references to others

Summary: Happy families are not all alike, especially when additions are on the way.

Rating: T for mature language and references to adult topics

Notes/Warnings: Written to a challenge from iamblickometer. Crack; mpreg; technically this is crossover AU futurefic with obscure spoilers for xxxHolic and Tsubasa's later chapters, but no knowledge of t'other fandoms is required. Best not to think on it. Other notes at the end.

Touya peered into the oven. Souffles weren't really his thing, but this one seemed to be doing okay.

At the kitchen table, the Junior Brat and the Junior Monster were decorating an enormous platter of gingerbread. "Is this alright?" asked the Junior Brat, placing the sour pickled plums on the spicy prone effigies with great care.

"Mhmm," his younger brother said, his dark blue eyes very serious, "Gran says she really liked sour things at times like this."

" 'Kay," said the Junior Brat, scowling ferociously at the food.

A long drawn out wail came from the room up-above, and the two little boys' eyes, blue and brown, got very wide.

Ahhhh, my belly! The cramps, ow, ow, ow. Could this be it? No, it's too soon. Sob - promise me, if it's a choice between me and the babies: pick the babies!

"Hey, kids," said Touya, "Why don't you take the snacks out to Yuki now. I can finish up in the kitchen."

They nodded solemnly. Touya set one of his nephews on each foot, lifted the platter of gingerbread, and with a boy clinging to each leg waddled exaggeratedly to the kitchen door. They jumped off there, and trotted to the living room, carrying the platter between them.

No, it is not a tummy ache from too much strawberry-wasabi icecream because I know what that feels like and this ain't it!

Touya put a kettle full of water on to boil and started some pasta on the stove-top. The souffle was still nice and puffy.

The phone rang then, and he answered a worried query. "Yeah, Dad, sounds like the Yellow Plushy is about to pop. Sakura-Monster and the Chinese Brat are up there with him now." He listened thoughtfully. "I think as long as he's yelling, he's fine." He held the receiver up to the ceiling.

Ow! I'm too young and pretty to die!!

Sakura rushed into the kitchen looking flustered, her hair falling from its pins. Touya handed her the kettle and a stack of towels without a word and she rushed out again.

"Balloons would be nice. There seems a general preference for pink up there. Yeah, see you when you get home, Dad."

He hung up the phone and pulled out the large frying pan and a chopping board. There were a lot of onions to dice. He could hear Yuki and his nephews talking in the living room:

"What will they look like?"

"I don't know yet, Syaoron-chan. You know how you look like your dad, and Kimihiro-chan is a lot like your multiple-great-grandad Clow -"

"And Evil Uncle Touya-chan?"

"And Evil Uncle To-ya-chan. Well, what's inside my tummy could look a little like me, or a little like Yue -"

"Or Evil Uncle Touya-chan?"

"Or something in-between. So we won't know until they come out. It's like unwrapping a present!"

"Yayy!"

If this is the end then bury me with my video console and all the games at head and foot like a warrior from Valhalla okay okay okay?

"How did they get in there?"

"Well, once upon a time some people got together and said 'Let's do it!' But on their own, it was no good. They needed paraphernalia and other assistance, so they called in their Eccentric Uncle Eriol-san, who said he wanted to help but had misplaced his working notes somewhere. Neverland, perhaps, or the bottom of his closet.

"But Eriol had another idea, so he got into his little boat and sailed aaaaaalll the way to China and went to a magic river he knew about and came back with a scar like a lightning bolt, sore feet, a phobia of dim-sum, and a jar of extra-special magic sparkly water!"

(It hadn't sparkled. The water had curled in on itself in the jar, swirled with green, though Hiiragizawa's spectacles had caught the light enough for plenty of sparkles. Yuki had sipped his share delicately from a champagne flute. The Yellow Plushy had mixed his with milk and swigged it down quickly.)

"And because we wanted you boys to have Guardians of your own, to love and play with and counsel you, Kero-chan and I drank the magic sparkly water and it swirled around inside and was magic. And that's why we have baby Guardians in our tummies."

"Wow, Midori-chan's parents only had sex!"

Touya opened the oven door a crack and peered inside. The souffle was rising nicely, a tangible allegory for all the exuberance that is life. Then a high-pitched squeal not unlike a dying pig or an opera-trained soprano's shriek of outrage ripped through the house.

In the long quiet that followed, the souffle collapsed with a disconsolate burp.

Touya clenched his fist. "Damn you, Eriol Hiiragizawa! This is all your fault!"

It's, it's eggs? Ohhhh, so round, so smooth, so speckledy. Awesome. Ha! Chew on that, Yue. Oh wait, you don't eat. Bwah-ha-ha!

And then there was a general explosion of streamers and pinkness and people dancing for joy. Touya left the people cooing over the new eggs and padded downstairs. He saw Yuki asleep on the couch, with his glasses dislodged and a book on falconry spread flat on his chest, above the round bump peeping out from under his t-shirt.

Touya brushed a lock of hair off his face and Yuki's eyes opened. "You're glowing," Touya said.

Yuki made a small sound in the back of his throat and stretched like a cat. "It's that time of the month," he yawned.

Touya frowned. "Are you having problems outside?"

"Oh, I can turn it off if I think about it," said Yuki cheerfully. "And as for the other, I just tell them I have a tumour!" He snickered.

Touya continued to frown. "Are you really okay? It's not too late to back out."

"That I am," said Yuki very solemnly. "I have to uphold Yue's honour, after all." Then he smiled. "And then there's this." He put Touya's hand and spread out his fingers over the warm swell of his belly. "Dear as Syaoron-chan and Kimihiro-chan are to me, I did not begin this enterprise entirely for their benefit." Something kicked against Touya's hand and his whole arm twitched.

Syaoran-senior found them there half an hour later: Yukito-san lying on the couch and Touya-san half on the floor with his head resting on the other's midsection, both fast asleep.

He tiptoed back out: there was a souffle that needed baking.

NOTES:

I used the Horitsuba name for alt!Syaoran = Syaoron (little dragon).

The river in China flows out of Journey to the West. Yes, mpreg tales have an ancient and extremely dishonourable ancestry. (Monkey and Pigsy were horrible, horrible people, and the Tang priest was undeniably cranky. I'm just saying.)