I promised a satire of Bella's diary to people who reviewed last year. Well, I got to writing and attempted to send off the first one, when ff spit it back at me with excuses about word limits. Bastards. So, here is the expanded version, the one that I wanted you to see originally. Enjoy! Remember, it's not REAL, it's a joke about what CC Bella's diary might have looked like in another universe.
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot of the Twilight Saga are the property of its author. I am in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media. Copyright infringement is not intended, nor will I ever make a dime from this fanfiction. Starched Shirt Edward and the Predator are mine. So there.
Diary of Bella Swan – by Booksgalore
Let's see a page from Bella's diary. Okay fine. It's not CC Bella's diary. She doesn't keep one. Alice asked her at the beginning of the HOD arc when she was hospitalized with pneumonia of she kept a journal and Bella told her no, and acted like it was the last thing she would ever do. So . . .it's a satire of Bella's diary and you should take it as such. Although I have dropped one or two things in there that CC Bella really might think.
Day 1: New boy in town, looks awfully familiar. Snooty, too. Frigid-looking sister wears too much make up. And please, they're wearing Prada, so whines the tall frigid-one in the wet weather. In Forks. Leah is hung up on some guy Sam and not returning my calls. Must play more chess. And learn how to drive rusty car Dad bought me.
Day20: Clearwaters out of town. Dad sick. Truck crash on icy road. Usual bruises and hospital stay. Boring. Nearly killing entire Cullen family beloved forgotten friends to the tribe? Not so much. I killed Bambi, too, and had nightmares about it. Now have a killer of a headache. Must play more chess. Send 'I'm sorry for nearly killing your four children' flowers to Mrs. Cullen. Need to get other physician, as jeez, Dr. Cullen has the coldest hands of them all. Cannot even imagine getting a pelvic from that man. Poor Mrs. Cullen. Snooty Surly Silent Cullen has a nervous quality about him and he looks at me like I'm dog dung under his shoe. I'm staying away from him and his family. That Rosalie keeps sending murderous glares at me. So I just stopped looking. At them all.
Day 25: Drove with shaking hands to school in snowstorm. Freaks me out. I think Rosalie is haunting me or something like a vampire curse, cause it hurts to breathe whenever she glares at me, and I keep dreaming about her. Weird. I keep hearing me screaming Snooty Surly Silent Cullen's name and have flashes of his face. He actually looks like he cares in the dreams, which is why I know I hit my head too hard in that crash. He's made it clear since the crash that he hates my guts. Keep having dreams where I'm chased by the head of Bambi. Got sort of real apology from mute lab partner for acting like an ass. He has this odd habit of panting on me that I am not about to stop since he smells so damn good. Must remind myself he is a vampire way out of my league. Mrs. Cullen brought me snow boots to school. I could barely look her in the eye. Talking to me now lab partner likes chess. There's hope for his personality. Can't get over how emotional I am. Jeez. Must be something in the water.
Day33: Cough cough feel sick. Wheeze. Pneumonia seriously sucks. Had strange sex dream about yummy smelling bi-polar vampire lab partner. How did my house get re-designed? *blinks* Say nothing. Must play more chess. Found out f**cking parents have been holding out on me for over a decade about my mother dropping me on my head when I was two. Seeing as I'm officially a brain damaged freak and all, I am too mad to let them know I know. Alice Cullen and Emmett were nice. Bi-Polar lab partner even deigned to speak to me, too, and his sisters swear I cried, made him pat my hair and ripped his clothes off of him. As if. Like I'm falling for that whopper. And he somehow found out about my chocolate addiction, and he keeps drugging me. Jasper looks awfully jumpy around me. Thought he was supposed to be the big bad immortal? Man's clearly got emotional issues. Rosalie and Mary Alice and Emmett are fun, when Rosalie isn't looking at me like she wants to eat me. Ephraim swore they only drank animal blood, so I'm thinking she's bi, and while that's fine with me, and she's drop dead gorgeous, I don't roll that way. Must plan, "I'm just not that into you," speech for Rosalie. Maybe I should hit on her brother? Never mind. *blinks* How did I wake up in Edward Cullen's scrumptious smelling bed? No conversation required from me. Life is good. I have no idea why the Cullens are letting it happen, but I'm now sleeping with their son while they watch to make sure I'm still a damn virgin, which is kind of creepy. But since I get to smell him, I'm not going to complain. And I don't have nightmares as much when he's nearby. Dad must be feeling really guilty because he sent me a gift card to buy clothes. If he paid attention, he would know how much I hate shopping. Jeez. And I've got winter clothes stored at Liam's that Grandmother bought for me– I just haven't have time to go out there and get them. Only I would have a Grandmother that orders clothes years in advance due to paying a personal shopper for me. That way I don't have to enter a store. Edward is moody. Can vampires be medicated? More?
Day 42: Fake Boyfriend dug up my Grandparents' and Great-Uncle's corpses to prove they were murdered. Now that's devotion. He told me they threatened Billy Black to stay away from me. There are multiple advantages to hanging with vampires. Terrorizing the murdering bastard Billy Black ranks right up there. I swear Fake Boyfriend has hair fetish. He's always stroking mine so I've taken to wearing it down to encourage this. Not that I mind. But I have other parts that could use his attention more. Being a virgin sucks. We had some trampires show up to town. How the people in Forks do not recognize vampires is beyond me. Is there something in the water that makes them supernaturally stupid? I mean come on, identical septuplets dressed like sluts parading into the cafeteria and looking at all the Cullens like they want to do them right there on the table, audience preferred. I doubt those whores can even spell the word 'chess' much less play it. Grandmother would be reminding me right now that it's not ladylike to call someone a whore – and then she'd smirk that whores charge and those women look like they get off on giving their charms away for free. I think Edward gets off on stripping while I sleep. Either that or I'm sleep-tearing his clothes off and he's too bashful to confess. I keep waking up clutching his shirts. Which is fine by me. He's got muscle definition so would certainly not mind seeing him shirtless. He keeps sending off "friend" vibes, though. Maybe he's gay. I should set him up with Erik.
Day 40: Fake Boyfriend wilted in the face of battle when Tyler asked me out. Awkward. Guess he really doesn't want to be my Fake anything anymore. Lauren Mallory hit the Vice Principal. Hard. Like gone to juvie for weeks will be in detention forever hard. Dad enjoyed driving her there in cuffs. He said he whistled the entire way. Got asked out by Fake Boyfriend. Finally.
Day44: First official date was from Hell. Fake Boyfriend is a great kisser. Well he would have been. Maybe. He's totally hot at necking. Fixed Angela and Ben up on a date. Least she'll get kissed. Edward doesn't take the truth very well. Checkmate. Oh, murdered asshole who crashed my first date. Must sharpen dagger. Had weird dream about a manta ray and a squirrel. Must lay off of pot. Not that I inhaled any. I think.
Day45: Man, Edward is a fantastic kisser. I swear to God, the earth moved. Three times. Still a virgin, dammit. Got proposed to and said yes! Had some unruly gate crashers at his place. Ouch. Saw a red-head vampire who looks like the woman in Ephraim's diary and man did she look mad. Dad got me a dog that pissed Real Fiancé off. Next day, Fiancé Rat Bastard dumped me and left town. Vampires. Figures. Crazy every last one of them.
Day 70: Throwing away chess set. Chess sucks. Why is my Grandmother talking to everyone in the world but me? And what the heck is up with my family tree? It doesn't appear to fork, and they wait years to tell me by letter? That can't be good – aside from knowing I'm not biologically related to Renee. Lost ten pounds and I have no idea how as I'm always hungry and eating. Can you get tape worm in Washington State? Looked up some old friends of Liam's and found out they really were old. Like dead old. So looked up another one. His name is Sergei and he and his family moved to Forks to hang out with me. Who does that? I like them already.
Day 120: Paula's dead. I think. Harry was murdered. Funeral awful. F*cking vampires. Billy Black is sniffing around. Dad wouldn't mind if I shot him. So I'm keeping a gun handy. Asshole had the gall to take me aside after Harry's funeral and tell me that all would be well in my life if I joined his family. Sounds like a cult. Played dumb and left. One thing I can always count on is that Billy Black thinks women are ditzy. Then again I did act like Renee. I'd marry Edward Cullen or become a hermaphrodite – both options equally suck – before I ever gave Jacob Black the time of day. Tool. No paternity test needed for that one. Yeesh.
Day 249: Ditched the guards. Had argument with Jasper's crazy Ex-whatever. She really took a piece out of my hide. One second I was hearing voices, then everything hurt, and the next thing I know I'm seeing that bastard again in some dank cave and he's snorting my neck and ranting like a maniac with some new crew cut and anorexic vampire makeover. Asshole. I think I spit on him. And racked him twice. Need to do that again as it felt cathartic. Grandmother would definitely have approved. Everything kind of went fuzzy and new relatives are freaking creepy. If Fake Rat Bastard (FRB) thinks I'm going to play chess with him or anything else, he's crazy. Wait scratch that. He is crazy. I had a bad dream about a red room.
Day 255: Dr. Cullen says I have to sleep with Fake Rat Bastard Ex for medicinal purposes. Whatever. This family puts the "f" in freaky. Saying Fake Rat Bastard Ex looks like death warmed over, would be a compliment. As long as he keeps his hands to himself, and with Arria and her guards lurking in the room, I think he'll behave. It doesn't matter where I sleep because my life sucks. Literally. It doesn't hurt that he smells delicious and that's maybe the one good thing I have in my life right now. I'm thinking of him as arm candy to keep from beating him to death with a stick, a sharp one. Even better, we get along fine as long as he says nothing – which he fortunately is inclined to do. And I lowered my standards to play chess with him because it gives me an excuse to sit around him and inhale to my heart's content without looking like some human vampire groupie addict. That dewy-eyed look totally doesn't work on me anymore. People tend to go 'poof' into thin air when he gets mad and starts that creepy green glowing routine of his, so I'm keeping my mouth shut. Not like it's hard around him. That boy wouldn't know what verisimilitudinous meant if it bit him on the backside. Worried about Seth and Leah. Miss Harry and Sue. Lots. Have whole passel of new relatives I have to figure out who is related to whom and whether they plan on killing me, too. Great-Grandmother looks at me like she's got my marriage and children already planned out and named. Uncle Thucer is sweet. He stutters and I've been helping him with his English and he's helping me with my Oscan. Which is a fair trade. And hanging out with him keeps Fake Rat Bastard out of the room cause Uncle Thucer is bigger than Emmett. Must research speech therapy.
Day From Hell: School was bad enough with everyone staring at me for all these months, but now? Now I have f**king vampires looking down snooty noses like I'm some little beggar girl. And they freaking stare at me all the time. It's like being surrounded by 50 Fake Rat Bastards that don't smell as nice and that re-living that first day of school from last year all over again - snooty stare and all. If it weren't for the bodyguards, I swear I'd use my knife on a few of them. Lancelot from literature must not have bathed since Queen Guinevere died in the sixth century. I don't mean to be rude, but either Lancelot is hung like a mule and great in the sack, or Arthur was a dog. Fake Rat Bastard decided to throw a hissy fit in the cafeteria and embarrass me over a damn cheese sandwich. Was planning on taking medicine at nurse's office - not in front of 50 pairs of stalker staring vampires - but no, he had to ruin that, too. Mrs. Corelli is my new hero. That Jane is not bad, either. Wish I had her gift. I'd use it with impunity. Mary Alice and Rosalie looked like they plan on handing Real Rat Bastard his non-existent balls, which was hilarious. I think Emmett might beat him up if I look pathetic a second longer. Not that I would. Jasper's been staring between me and Real Rat Bastard like he's onto something – and man, does he look pissed lately. Cullen family thinks I dumped Real Rat Bastard rather than the other way around. Hilarious. I've got to find a way to get these freaking vampires off my ass. *Sniffs* Ok. Fine. Most of them.
End of Fake Diary
Snarky Summary: So this is the part where I remind you that this is satire. CC Bella does not keep a journal. Man if she did, Edward would have totally found it by now.
Writing a multi-chaptered story – especially an odd duck like mine that is redoing the entire Twilight Saga - and posting it over a year long period is work. And patiently following it like you all have – now that's just amazing to me – especially as this is the first fiction I've written. So I wanted to send this out to thank everyone for helping me become a better writer, and doing me the honor of reading my work. Main Edward, Jugurtha, and Starched Shirt Edward are all waving at you. Bella, too.