There were so many options. What kind of paper? Thick parchment? Plain typing paper? Fancy stationary? And pens. Oh so many pens. Did I want a quill? Ball point pens? And what color? Blue or black. I'd never had to do this before. In my 140something years, I'd never had to write such a serious note. When courting a vampire, I could just speak my sentiments at a rate no human ears could detect. As for humans, I'd never noticed them enough to fall in love with one….until now. I groaned, and buried my head in my hands, causing several strange looks from other customers. 'What a freak,' a middle-aged man thought, looking up from the frozen foods section, 'what, just standing there, moaning as if paper were life or death. Oh! Look, there are those pizza rolls…' I tuned him out, though he did make a point. In the small Thriftway store, my growls of frustration bounced off the walls could be heard from the over-the-counter prescriptions aisle to where I was pacing in front of a stationary display. 'Okay, Edward,' I thought, 'game face on. It's crunch time. concentrate.' I shifted through the display, through paper that looked like it should be used for writing letters to the Prince of Morocco, until I came to some plain paper that looked equally as elegant. Feeling suicidal, I scooped up both, along with several varieties of pens, and headed to the checkout. The girl warily eyed my stack of writing materials, and asked in a monotone, "Do you have a Thriftway card?" I shook my head and he looked up to see my non-verbal answer. "Are you interested in getting one?" she droned, in the same bored tone. No. I was not. She began scanning my items. One by one. How slow humans were. A beep from the cash register. "Oops," she rolled her eyes," machine's out of paper." What madness was this? I calculated the chances of me being able to make it through the front door at a human pace before she turned back around. The odds were in my favor. I put all the items carefully in my arms and "ran" out the door. I was robbing Thriftway, and I felt so alive! The Volvo purred like a kitten as I jumped in and turned the key in the ignition. The roar of the motor as I floored it was enough to drown out the protests of, "hey! come back!" from the checker. As I raced along the highway, I turned on the radio and turned up Debussy. Oh, what a wild man I was! Robbing Thriftway and playing my classical music at such an unholy volume. If the whole vampire thing didn't work out, I could have totally been a delinquent. I let out a wild cry as I sped towards home.
15 minutes later
"Emmett, I'm going to ask you one more time, and if you don't answer, I will make you rue the day you were changed," I growled through clenched teeth.
He laughed boomingly and chuckled, "What could you do to me, little bro?"
I raised an eyebrow, "No sex with Rosalie for a week."
He smiled. "And what, oh mighty brother, would make her agree to that?"
"You broke my curling iron last week. I'm all for revenge," called Rosalie from down the hall.
Emmett's smile faded. "Rose, baby, sweetheart, sexy beast, I didn't mean to! I thought it was like a baseball bat!" he cried.
Rosalie marched in the room, grabbed a lock of her hair and shoved it in his face. "Look, Emmett, look! LOOK HOW UNCURLY MY HAIR IS. DO YOU SEE THE LACK OF CURLINESS! DO YOU?!"
"Okay, okay," Emmett wailed in despair, "I'll talk! I'll talk!"
"Very good," I smiled wickedly. I was leading quite the exciting life. "I'm glad you decided to see it my way."
In one long string he gasped out, "I-think-the-paper-with-the-flowers-is-impressive-but-the-plain-seems-more-causal." At the end of his frantic speech he burst into tears, (or as close as a vampire can come to crying) and sobbed, "Rose please sleep with me! We can play Cat Woman and Batman like you like! I still have your boots, and your cape and---please!"
"Alice," I said loudly, turning to where she sat petrified on the couch, taking in the hysterical Emmett, "same question. Which paper should I use to write a note to Bella?"
"Well," she said shakily, looking at Jasper, who scooted closer to her as if to protect her from my delusional state, "I agree with Emmett, the plain paper is like casual, and it's kinda appropriate for the occasion." Jasper nodded his agreement. "What she said."
I took an unnecessary breath. "Esme? Carlisle?" They Carlisle looked at Esme, glared at Emmett how was still pleading for sex, and said calmly, "Well, son, it's your choice; we can't decide for you."
"WHAT. KIND. OF. ANSWER. IS. THAT?" I roared, knocking a table over in blind fury.
"Jasper," Carlisle said quietly, "please stop making Edward angry. You know you're not supposed to manipulate emotions." Jasper looked down sheepishly, and I feel a fuzzy feeling in my stomach, and I was tranquil.
I picked up the table, and on my way out of the living room, I said quietly, "plain paper it is, then," leaving a room of trembling vampires in my wake.
20 minutes later
"Damn it!" I snarled, crumpling up yet another sheet of paper. "Damn it Cullen! GET IT RIGHT!"
Dearest darling Bella,
"NO!" I screamed. I was supposed to be ignoring her now. Not wanting to be friends. Oh what a tangled web of lies I had woven.
I sincerely wis---
"Too formal! I HATE MYSELF."
Just don't fall in any tide pools, trip on a shell or get eaten by werewolves, okay?
"NO!" She didn't know the whole vampire/werewolf thing. "I HATE MY LIFE. I'M GOING TO GO OUTSIDE AND BE SUCIDAL," I yelled to myself, storming out the door. There was a problem, though. A very tiny problem. A tiny problem blocking the door to the front yard. Alice.
"Oh no you don't buster," she said, "I saw you going to Mike Newton's house."
"No!" I gasped. "What did I do?"
Alice looked uncomfortable, "Well…uh…er, you were so frustrated….you…erm….well, just, uh, never mind. The point is it was bad. And sexual." I went back to my room.
6 hours and lots of strange visions later
"I GOT IT!!!!!!!!" I yelled, waving the prized paper in the air. I ran downstairs as though I'd won the lottery. "So," Carlisle grinned, "let's hear this award-winning letter." Everyone had converged in the living room, (except Emmett, still emotionally scarred). I took a deep breath ( for dramatic effect) and recited the letter that had caused me hours of agony.
I glanced around the room expectantly. "And….?" Esme prompted.
My grin faded. "That's it." Mixed reactions. Carlisle shook his head while Jasper banged a fist on the table. "THAT'S IT! That's all you have for six painful hours? THAT'S ALL??! I HAD TO GO THROUGH YOUR CRAZY MOOD SWINGS FOR 'BE SAFE'?! ONE MINUTE YOU"RE ROMANTIC, THEN ANGRY AND ALL YOU HAVE IS 'BE SAFE'?!" He stalked out of the room Alice in tow. Leaving me alone. With only my brilliant letter.
The next day
This was it. The moment I had been waiting for. Bella saw the note. Opened it. All while I hid in the bushes feeling like a pervert. A giggle. I had a feeling she was going to cherish that note. Another laugh. And then? She got in her truck, crumpled my beloved piece of paper up, threw it out the truck's window and drove off.
I wrote this at 3;34am. It's supposed to be funny. I think it's funny. Of course, everything's hysterical when you're sleep deprived. I just was flipping through my copy of Twilight, and came across the note. Sochyeahh. Also, I was listening to the nuttiest song while writing this. Alanis Morissette's 'All I Really Want.' Check it. ALSO PLEASE REVIEW. Reviews are my cereal. I eat them with my morning coffee =) Enjoyy