Author's note: Ready, set, suspend all disbelief…
"Maybe… Who's asking?"
"Oh, sorry, right! I'm The Doctor and I'm looking for a Mr. Rick O'Connell."
"Well, it's personal in nature, but I have a problem I'm told Mr. O'Connell may be able to help me with."
"What did you say your name was again? Doctor… Doctor what?"
"Just Doctor. The Doctor, actually."
"Hokay. You've found him. Uh, I mean, you've found me. I'm Rick O'Connell."
"Oh splendid! I'm so happy to meet you Mr. O'Connell! My goodness, what a firm handshake you have! At any rate you've come highly recommended by a friend of mine, another strikingly vigorous American like yourself."
"And that is?"
"Well, a mutual acquaintance. He prefers to remain anonymous. You know how Americans are… No offense."
"None taken. Now, how can I help you Mr. ah, Doctor?"
"Not Mr. Doctor, just Doctor."
"Well, you see, and this is a bit embarrassing, it seems I have a mummy problem."
"Yes, unfortunately, I have a mummy problem."
"Most definitely. In fact, I've got three of them…"
"Oh My God! Three of them? Are they here, in London?"
"Well, in a way… it's kind of complicated."
"How so complicated?"
"You see, I'm a time traveler. My problem is happening in a different time. In the future…"
"You don't say?"
"You mean you believe me?"
"Why sure. I figured, the way you're dressed, the way you've got your hair all strange. Your odd footwear. Those glasses. What else could it be?"
"Hmm… I was told you were extraordinary, but I wasn't quite prepared for how extraordinary you truly are, Mr. O'Connell!"
"Thanks! I try!! So… you have three mummies after you?"
"Yes! Three of them! In the future, you see. Not that it really matters when, mind you… I mean time being relative and all. And a problem is a problem…"
"…is a problem. I sure enough agree with you there! How can I help you? I mean I can grab my guns, ammo and dynamite if you want to take me with you to the future… to this other time of yours. But I'll need to be back by supper, you understand."
"Guns? Dynamite? Oh no! I think that's a bit extreme. You see… well, Mr. O'Connell, maybe I should start at the beginning?"
"The beginning? Not a bad idea, Doctor. And please, call me Rick."
"Oh! Rick! Splendid! Well, you see, there are three of them… one for each of my, um, most recent companions… you can think of these companions as friends, but they were in fact much more than mere friends: Rose Tyler, Martha Jones and Donna Noble. They all traveled with me, and all three of them are gone now…"
"Well, not gone in a sinister sense. In point of fact they've moved on, you know how it goes… they've moved on to other things. Other places. Other people. But their mummies… their mummies have most definitely not moved on. Their mummies are like the three harpies of the apocalypse, if you don't mind me mixing ancient mythology metaphors. They are worse than the plagues of Egypt! Give me frogs, flies, locusts! Anything but those three! I need to be rid of them! I want them out of my life and I'm told you might have some ideas… that you may be able to help me?"
"Wait. Let me get this straight. You want to be rid of three…."
"Oh! Let me tell you about them! The first one, Jacqueline Andrea Suzette Tyler… well, she could scare the ticks off a hound, if you catch my drift. In Jackie you have a whole new meaning for the word frightful. She's a nasty piece of work, that one, always shooting me evil looks and insinuating that I'm incapable of doing anything right. Especially in regards to her daughter Rose, who, well, granted did unfortunately go MIA for twelve months when I first met her and took her traveling with me, but still… why would her mother be so antagonistic about that? I brought Rose back safe and sound, didn't I?"
"Jackie actually gives me heartsburn when I see her! Imagine that?! Me, who has fought all sorts of scary space monsters and saved the universe more than once, intimidated! I suppose I got off on the wrong foot with Jackie when we initially met – you see, no doubt about it, she's a nymphomaniac – she tried to seduce me! But I of course refused to have sexual relations with her."
"Damn right I refused. Probably hurt her feelings… Come to think of it, that may have closed the deal right there and then, you know a woman scorned and all. Well, at any rate moving on... next there's Francine Jones. Now there's an unfriendly woman for you! She personifies hostile, Francine does. She's hated me from the moment she first laid eyes on me. I never had a chance! Suspicious and quarrelsome, she's never had a single kind word for me, although I took very good care of her daughter, mind you. I never touched Martha! Well… aside from that one kiss, which you should know wasn't really a kiss at all, it was a… Well, never mind! It's not important! I was always a gentleman through and through when it came to Martha Jones. Blimey! I certainly didn't deserve the slap across the face Francine laid on me!"
"Oh yes! Between you and me, I think Francine doesn't like men very much. You know, her husband left her for a trophy wife. I mean, how can a man make headway against something like that, I ask you?"
"But I've saved the best for last. Sylvia Noble! Now there's a worst case scenario for you. She's a perfect storm if there ever was one. I've never met such a vicious, spiteful, unpleasant woman! Granted, our first meeting was less than promising; she thought her daughter was dead when, in fact, Donna was traveling with me and quite safe. Quite safe, mind you! But still, that's no reason to be such a scold, is it? In fact, she's been nothing but rude to me. Incredibly rude! But it's not just me. She was always badgering and pestering Donna. Poor Donna! She could never meet her mother's unrealistic expectations. Can you imagine?"
"Indeed! Can you fathom having a mother like that? Always tormenting you? Always nagging you? Never having one single, blessed nice thing to say to you? Brrr… That's not cold. That's frigid! That's positively glacial!
"Needless to say, I can't even think about visiting London any more, in this universe or any other, without being terrified of running into one or the other of them. And just imagine if they ganged up on me! I'd never have another quiet moment for the rest of my lives…"
"Oh, I forgot to mention, Rick, I'm a Time Lord. When a Time Lord is mortally wounded he or she can transform into a new physical form. We call it regeneration. I'm the tenth incarnation of The Doctor."
"Yes! Well, I suppose I could regenerate so those three walking nightmares wouldn't recognize me, but somehow I suspect even that may not be enough. Rassilon save me, they'd find some way to track me down. What do you say, Rick? Do you think you can help me?"
"Uh, Doctor, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I think you got hold of some bad information. You see, I deal with mummies…"
"Right, mummies, that's what I want."
"No, Doctor, not mommies. Mummies. You know… corpses whose skin and flesh have been preserved by chemicals?"
"Yep. Like when they rip out your guts and stuff them into jars? Maybe you've heard some of the stories? Imhotep… Death is only the beginning… Hamunaptra…? No? Well, anyway, mummies can be quite a handful when they're brought back to life. Not regeneration so much as reanimation, I'd call it. Some of them are so ornery they can't even be killed by normal mortal weapons! It takes special immortal weapons to do 'em in. Those are the worst. But in general they're all a pain in the…"
"You're talking about mummies? As in mummification mummies?"
"Ah. Well. It would seem you can't help me, then."
"No, Doctor. I can't even handle my own mother-in-law, much less help you with your three, I'm afraid."
"They're not my… Oh, never mind! That bloody son-of-a…"
"What's that, Doctor?"
"Uh, nothing, Rick. I'm just thinking about what I'm going do to Jack when I get my hands on him..."
"No harm ever came from reading a book."
-- Evelyn Carnahan