I woke up with a start, where the hell was I?
My head hurt like a mother fucker. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but then I began to remember what had happened yesterday.
Oh you got to be shitting me???
I had gone to gay bar, burn down a church and kidnapped an old man.
I bolt up and took in my surroundings. Everything seemed to be fine in my room. I was in my PJs in bed.
Well maybe yesterday didn't happen? Yeah that's right, yesterday hasn't happened yet. There was no way I could burn down a church and make out with Tanya. I wasn't a person who did that kind of stuff. I especially didn't get in cat fights. I was a very peace loving person. It was just all a dream.
I was so full of shit but right now I don't think I can deal with the fact that Tanya was a lipstick lesbian who was dating my hot sexy roommate. Not to mention I had no idea what was going on with the whole burning down the church thing.
So I was going to go with the whole self denial routine.
I was fine. Everything was fine. I decided to treat myself to blueberry pancakes. That's the spirit. Think of the positives Swan, I mean at least you don't kiss as badly as Tanya. I winced. I was supposed to be denying everything that happened yesterday.
I punched the pillow next to me in frustration. Why can't my life be normal? I punched it again. I heard someone grown and roll over.
Oh my god how the fuck is someone other than me in my bed?
Did I get laid finally? Shit I don't even remember getting laid. This is upsetting.
Is it Tanya?
Shit I don't remember anything so I have no idea if I got date raped by her or not. I hope to god not. I wanted to rat Tanya out to Edward but how could I do that if I slept with her? I could see how well that conversation would go.
Why was my life so complicated? All I wanted was Edward and to get laid. I would also like some new books too. Was that too much to ask??
I finally grew some ovaries and decided to find out who I had spent the night with. I flipped the comforter over and I saw Tony.
Oh thank god it's only tony. OH MY GOD, what was tony doing in my bed????? holy shit, holy shit.
Just breath Swan, that the key, just keep on breathing.
"What are you doing?"
I glanced at Tony like he had grown a penis on his head. How could he "what are you doing" me???? He's in my fucking bed. Shit, I need therapy.
Okay no I need to calm down. I just need to calmly ask him what he is doing in my bed. I can do this, Remember peace and love.
"What-what the FUCK ARE YOUDOING IN MY BED?"
"I had nowhere to sleep, I tried to sleep with Edward but he was all "Go home old man". So I had no choice but to sleep here."
Oh thank god, there is a Jesus. I didn't do anything nasty with him. I could finally breathe without wanting to kill myself with a dull knife.
"Wait, why the hell are you still here?"
"I use to live in the church, but well you kind of burned it down."
Oh shit. He was making me feel all guilty about the whole burning down the church fiasco. I felt kindness vomiting out of my body. I was trying to hold it in. I really was but it just exploded everywhere and before I knew what had happened I had asked Tony to stay with me and Edward.
I hate my kindness; I wish it would dig a grave and die in it. And if it wasn't too much I'd want it to dig a hole in the junk yard and throw Tanya in it.
But it was too late, I couldn't take my offer back, word vomit had now provided me a new roommate. Speaking of roommate, Tanya; I think my whole body convulsed at the thought of her moving in.
Her moving in was going to be super awkward.
Hey Tanya since I've made out with you and so has Edward, who do you want to sleep with tonight? Do you want to try doing Tony?
Eww….I tried not to think about Tanya and just focus on the prize, blueberry pancakes.
"Come on Tony let's get breakfast."
His ears perked up like a dog. Maybe he would be easier to take care of. He could be the family pet in some strange twisted way.
I made my way to the kitchen where Edward was busy making coffee. I think I drool a little at the sight of him. But I tried to focus on the task of making hangover food.
"Woahhh… what the fuck happened to your face? Are those hickeys?" Hickeys? Oh shit I was going to kill Tanya, "Are you dating a guy who abuses you, because I will beat his ass if he does."
This situation was almost laughable because if I told him the truth he'd never believe me. I just continued to make my pancakes.
"Isabella Marie Swan, you didn't answer me, are you being abused? Are you dating Jake??" yeah I'm totally dating Jake accept for the fact that he's gay, "I'm going to kill him. I knew it, I just knew."
He grabbed me and made me look at him. I wanted to tell him that his girlfriend did this to me, but I couldn't. I couldn't handle that conversation.
Wait did he just say that Jake was abusing me? Haha maybe I could milk this a little. No that would be bad. I couldn't do that. I was going to have to be mature about this.
"No, Jake is not abusing me. I just got in another bar fight."
He finally relaxed and let me go. He went back to making his breakfast.
"You really need to stop going out with Alice. She's an angry drunk."
Haha he was probably thinking of the time she beat the shit out him.
He really needs to learn not to call her a pixie. If you call her that she will not hesitate to bring a whole new meaning to shoving you're foot up someone's ass.
"She just doesn't like it when someone calls her small. That's all, it's not my fault you decided to comment on her shortness and it got your ass kicked."
He shuddered as I spoke about her.
See here is the thing, Alice isn't violent. She just doesn't hesitate to fuck someone up. Alice has always been a little different. She's a hard core vegan and prides herself in only wearing organic cotton. She always finds a way to recycle everything. She even bought that special machine that recharges her batteries. But that's why I love her so much. I really should give her a call or something. But I focused on my pancakes. Because pancakes can cure anything including the, I made out with my best friend's girlfriend and then got in a bar fight with her blues.
I went and set the pancakes on the table. Tony was already there of course. He acted like he hasn't been fed in three years. Wait when was the last time I fed him? I can't think of anything accept the birth control pills he ate. Fuck, animal control was going to be all on my ass soon if I didn't feed him.
I was getting ready to eat when the door bell rang. Who the fuck is it?
Edward dashed into his room. "I'm not home!!! I'm fact I died."
This peeked my interest. Who was Edward really scared of, well besides Alice and the post man but other than that he was a regular tough guy.
I went and opened the door and holy fuck it's Alice in the flesh.
"I need a place to stay."
THIS IS NOT A FUCKING HOTEL.
Lipstick lesbian = a lesbian who goes for feminine lesbians. They don't like butch lesbians