Final Fantasy seX

Tidus couldn't sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, she was there. Lulu.

She was like that really hot chick that is so strange and different that it seems like nobody else except for you is sophisticated enough to understand her, but at the same time you don't want to go for it because you're afraid she's even too strange and sophisticated for you and will end up turning you down and look down on you for the rest of your life and it doesn't matter really because either way you still feel like a festering pile of shit. It was like that. Now imagine that situation, only it's a million times worse because you're a complete fucking douche bag named Tidus who is way out of her league.

Lulu wasn't what you'd call "attractive." "Attractive" was a word for lesser beings. No, Tidus decided, a more appropriate word would be "holy-fucking-jesus-ballshitting-gorgeous," and wrote this down on the back of a photograph he had taken of her while hiding in the bushes.

She was as cold as ice, but Tidus decided that just made it twice as nice. His decision was based partly on how genuinely attracted he was to her bitter personality, and partly because he enjoyed rhyming. Every time she was a bitch to him it only made him want her more.

She had long flowing black hair that shined in the moonlight. How Tidus wished he could stroke that hair for just one minute, to feel it against his skin! Her hair covered half of her face, making her seem deep and mysterious. Tidus never did like mysteries before meeting Lulu, but now he loved them because they reminded him of her hair. "Elementary, my dear Lulu's hair," he said to himself, and then laughed at how goddamn clever he was.

But these things could describe hundreds of women in Spira. What was it that made this one so perfect? Tidus had always thought of himself as someone who wasn't shallow, and because of this he felt he should at least try to come up with some reasons other than the one he knew to be true, but they were all bullshit. It was the titties.

Tidus remembered the first time he set eyes on them. Back on Besaid, after making his way through the cloister of trials for the first time. There was Lulu. There were Lulu's titties. Luckily she was too preoccupied to notice the river of semen that flowed out of his shorts and down the side of his leg. He had gotten better at prolonging the ejaculations, but he still was unable to stare at those most perfect of breasts for more than ten seconds without it sending him into a raging orgasm.

He wanted her more than he wanted anything else in the world, but he knew he didn't have a chance with her. He masturbated four times before crying himself to sleep.

The next day, he woke up to the sound of Wakka tossing his blitzball against the side of the wall. What an asshole. I'd like to blitz his balls! Tidus thought, not realizing how gay it sounded. He pushed himself up into a sitting position.

"Trying to sleep the whole day away, ya?" Wakka asked in a cheerful voice. Tidus ignored him and slumped out of bed.

They were staying in a relatively nice inn run by an overweight Al-Bhed with serious overbite. Tidus made his way out into the hotel lobby where the rest of the guardians were standing around waiting. It always amused Tidus that they never talked to each other, but whenever he started a conversation they always had something to say to him.

He glanced over at Lulu for a few seconds and got an instant chubby. "Down, boy, down," he said. Maybe Lulu wasn't the best person to start his daily circle of conversation with. He went over to Yuna who was facing the wall, looking nervous.

"I'm really nervous," she said when he approached her. "I hope everything goes as planned."

"What plan would that be exactly?" Tidus asked.

"I hope everything goes as planned," she responed.

"Yeah, I know, you just said-"
"I hope everything goes as planned,"

"Aaugh SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!" Yuna was quiet for a few seconds.

"I hope everything goes as planned."

"Fuck!" Tidus turned away from her and decided to talk to Aaron instead.

"Yuna needs our support," he said.

"Uh huh. Whatever. Anyways I was wondering how long we're going to be standing around here doing nothing. I mean it seems like we're all ready to go do something. Let's go do it!"

"Yuna needs our support,"

"Oh goddamn fucking shit." Tidus gave up and walked over to the floating sphere in the center of the lobby. He stared at it for awhile, and soon his thought began to wander.

He imagined himself floating around that giant water thingy where he played blitzball. He wasn't playing blitzball though. Instead, he was watching a figure swimming towards him. As the figure got closer, he realized that it was Lulu. She was butt-ass naked. Tidus reached out towards her, ready to grab and squeeze and fondle…

"Watcha doing?" Tidus quickly opened his eyes and pulled his hand out of his pants.

"Uh, nothing Rikku, just, uh, you know-"

"It's okay," Rikku said, moving in closer. "You don't have anything to be embarrassed about."

"I know!" said Tidus. "Cause I wasn't doing anything embarrassing! What you saw was me-"

"Pleasuring yourself?" Rikku asked, giggling. "Because you know I can do that for you." She slowly began sliding a hand down Tidus' shorts. Tidus, not at all comfortable with this level of intimacy, punched her squarely in the jaw. Rikku collapsed to the floor crying.

Now where was I?Oh yes, I remember now. Tidus closed his eyes and went back into his fantasy. Lulu, butt-ass naked, you remember. Anyway Tidus reached out, once again, ready to grab and squeeze and fondle…

"Hey man, ready to go?" Tidus opened his eyes again.

"God DAMMIT Wakka!" Tidus yelled. He took his hand out of his pants and shoved it in Wakka's face. "Smell it. SMELL IT!"

"Oh, man, that's not cool, I'll wait 'till you're through next time." Tidus took his hand back away from Wakka's face. He hated that guy.

"Alright, listen up," Aaron said to the group. "We're going to run into some challenges today. What those challenges are, I'm not quite sure. But it is quite likely that we'll walk around for awhile, and then randomly and without warning be thrown into a battle with various creatures. In addition to that, there is a rumor of an unknown stranger roaming these woods. All I can say about him is that he is incredibly, incredibly dangerous. We hope to avoid him at all costs. Now let's get moving!" With that, the team set out for a day of adventuring and excitement.

Even during battles, Tidus could not keep his mind off of Lulu. Every time she cast a spell her breasts jiggled ever so slightly, and Tidus liked to think of what it would be like to be that doll that she held against them, feeling every jiggle and bump and going along for the ride.

"I see what you're looking at!" Tidus spun around to see Rikku standing there.

"What the hell? I thought you were helping in the battle!"

"I was, but I'm out of grenades and my regular attack sucks."

"It sure does, Rikku, it sure does."

"But anyway, I saw what you were looking at."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play dumb with me. I know what you like. And I'm here to tell you that I've got plenty in that area." Rikku walked in front of him and slowly unzipped her skin tight wetsuit, exposing her perky breasts. Tidus, not at all comfortable with this level of intimacy, punched her squarely in the jaw. Rikku collapsed to the ground crying.

Tidus went back to staring at Lulu. At first he hadn't liked Wakka's strict "no more than three people in a battle at a time, no matter what the circumstances," rule, but over time he had grown to appreciate it, as sitting back behind the scenes gave him time to sit back and watch the boobies. But just when he had gotten the paper towels ready, the music started playing.

"What? That battle's over already? Holy Shit!" He was about to get up when a large brown arm grabbed his shoulder.

"I see you've taken fancy with my girl, man." Tidus turned his head around to see Wakka standing there, with his stupid face and his stupid hair grinning like a stupid fucking moron. "Forget about her. You don't stand a chance with her."

"Your girl? Sorry, wait, what did I hear you right? Your girl? Actually I don't think she belongs to anyone Wakka, or should I say, Wakkasshole. And you say I don't have a chance with her? Well you know what? You don't stand a chance of not getting kicked it the balls!" Tidus swung his foot but before it could connect with Wakka's testicles, Wakka took his stupid arm and like a goddamn fucking cocksucking asshole grabbed Tidus's leg and broke it in three places. Tidus cried out in pain.

"Like I said, man," said Wakka, "Forget about her." He left Tidus on the ground and walked away.

Yuna rushed over as soon as she saw what had happened. She cast cura and instantly Tidus was as good as new. He stood up quickly, ready to take on Wakka and regain his dignity, but Wakka had already gone on ahead.

"Are you okay?" Yuna asked.

"I'm fine, Yuna." Tidus said. "I'm fine."

"I'm so glad." Yuna said. "I don't know what I would do if… if… if something were to… if something were to happen…"

"I get where you're going with this," said Tidus. "But don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"Oh but that isn't enough anymore!"


"Tidus I… I… I… oh Tidus I can't hold it back any longer I love you! I love you so very much! I must have you! I must have you now!" Yuna began trying to undo the bow in the back of her costume.

"Need some help with that?"

"No that's okay, I've got it."

"Seriously, if you need help getting naked, I'll be glad to assist you."

"I'm fine. I almost have it."

"It looks like you need help."

"No, it's fine, I'll just rip it off." Yuna ripped all of her clothes off and stood there naked. Tidus shook his head sadly.

"Oh, Yuna. Poor, poor gullible Yuna. I'm not going to have sex with you."

"What? But I just got naked!"

"Yes, I know, and that's very sweet of you to get naked for me but to be honest I don't know why I led you on like that. I can't even stand to look at you. You're like a surfboard."

"You don't like surfboards?"

"I love surfboards, Yuna, but that doesn't mean I want to stick my penis in them!"

"So we aren't going to have sex?"

"No, Yuna, I'm sorry, but…" but then Tidus came up with a brilliant idea. "Say Yuna, on second thought, I will do you. I'll do you as many times as you want and in whatever position you want. But I have two conditions."


"Number one, I don't have to look at you."

"Fair enough."

"And number two, and this is the most important one of all, you have to help Lulu fall in love with me."

"What? No! I don't want her to fall in love with you! I love you!"

"Don't worry, I'll still love you, Yuna, and only you, I just like the fact that someone else loves me too and can't have me because I'm with you, Yuna, the most beautiful girl in all of Spira."

"Oh, when you put it that way Tidus, It makes sense!"

"I know, I know, "said Tidus. He was so happy he could hardly believe it. It would not be long now before he had the woman of his dreams. But first things first…

"Alright, Yuna, let's get this over with."

For the next five and a half hours Tidus was subjected to the most miserable and humiliating experience of his entire life. He kept his eyes closed throughout it, so he could never be entirely sure of what was going on, but the one thing he knew for sure was that he was sticking his wang in things that it had never been stuck in before. By the time it was all over his body ached.

"That was amazing," Yuna sighed. Tidus threw up a little in his mouth.

"Could you please just cast the spell already?" he asked. Yuna waved her stick in a big circle in the air.

"There, it's done. Lulu is in love with you now. Now what do you say we go at it again?"

"Uh, sure, but first, what in the world is that?" Yuna spun around to see what Tidus was pointing at. Tidus took this opportunity to get the fuck out of there.

After several minutes of running he became satisfied that he had successfully lost her. Now, to find the others. To find Lulu. Oh God, Lulu. Tonight he would have her. He would have her and there was nothing Wakka could do about it. He got a stiffy just thinking about it.

"Is that a flashlight in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Tidus jumped, he had thought he was alone.

"Jesus Christ Rikku, I thought you were still unconscious."

"Nope! I'm as up as a clown!"

"What the fuck does that even mean?"

"Beats me. Anyway, I know I've been coming on a bit strong lately, and I realized you might not be into that kind of thing. So how about we forget all the sex stuff for now and just settle for a nice dinner together?" Tidus, not at all comfortable with this level of intimacy, punched her squarely in the jaw. Rikku collapsed to the ground crying.

Finally, Tidus made it to the hotel where they were to be spending the night. When he got inside, he saw a note on the floor.

Hello Tidus.

The one they call the mysterious stranger has been spotted in this area. The others have gone to check it out. We're all alone. Let's fuck.


Tidus came three times, reread the note, and came again. This was the moment he had been waiting for. Finally, after weeks of waiting, he was going to be with the woman of his dreams.

Following such a miserable afternoon, that night was the best night of Tidus' life. He and Lulu made love seventeen times within the first hour, and it just kept getting better and better. Finally, when the night was almost over and the mattress was had gotten all wet and sticky, the fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next morning, Wakka crawled into the room, out of breath. He had cuts and bruises all over his body, and he left a trail of blood as he dragged himself along.

"They're dead, Lulu!" he cried. "They're all dead! I'm the only one left alive! Oh God, it was terrible. This stranger, he's crazy. He killed off Aaron and that one lion looking guy who doesn't talk a lot quickly, like he didn't even care! But me, he spent his time on. He tortured me for hours! Hours! I've never felt greater pain in my entire life! I'm beaten up and useless! He took everything from me! Everything! The only thing I have left to live for is you, Lulu! Without you, I have nothing!"

"Guess you have nothing then!" Tidus said cheerfully. Lulu giggled at Wakka's shocked expression.

"What? What is this? You're with him now?" Lulu and Tidus answered by having sex in the reverse cowgirl position in front of him. Wakka sighed and went off to kill himself.

Around noon, Tidus got up to go to the bathroom. He hadn't gone since before the battle yesterday and he had to piss like a racehorse. When he got back, he heard moaning sounds coming from Lulu's room.

That's odd. I don't think I'm in there having sex with her right now. Actually I'm pretty sure I'm not. So that must mean… Tidus gasped and ran into the room to see what was happening.

Whatever was going on it was under the covers.

"Hey!" Tidus said. "What's going on?" Lulu stuck her head out from under the covers.

"I'm sorry Tidus, I really do love you, but this mysterious stranger, he just came in here and seduced me, and to be honest he's a much better lover than you!"

"Please, Lulu," said the voice from under the covers. "Call me br0kenwind0ws!" br0kenwind0ws stuck his head out from under the covers. Tidus had to admit that he was probably the sexiest person he had ever seen in his entire life. He wasn't gay, but for this man, he might be willing to make an exception.

"Don't even think about it Tidus," said Lulu. "He doesn't swing both ways."

"Unlike me and Lulu!" said a third voice from under the covers. Rikku popped her head out and smiled. "Sorry, Tidus, you had your chance with me!"

"You had your chance with me too!" said a fourth voice, who it was soon revealed belonged to Yuna. Tidus' jaw dropped. Yuna actually looked good. Really good.

"I talked her into changing into her X-2 outfit," said br0kenwind0ws. "Anyway, Tidus, it was nice to meet you, but the ladies and I have some unfinished business that we need to get back to." The four returned under the covers and the moaning started again.

"Shit!" said Tidus. "This is just fantastic. Some totally awesome guy walks in out of nowhere and everyone gets all hot and bothered. Now who am I supposed to have sex with?"

Seymour, who for some reason hasn't been mentioned before now but was actually there the entire time walked over and gave Tidus' left buttcheek a little squeeze.

"Ready to ride, cowboy?" Tidus shrugged. It was better than nothing.