Disclaimer: I own a pencil, a laptop and....that's about it. I don't own any paper, onions....or devil may cry.

Sparda's in charge?

"Pizza for breakfast. Pizza for tea. Pizza for lunch and snack and dinner and dessert. That's fine by me."

Dante was singing. Again. Badly.

Vergil placed his hands over his ears protectively as Sparda sighed and put down his newspaper.

"Dante, stop annoying your brother and I." The demon muttered. Dante paid no heed to his father's warning, instead proceeded to sing even louder. Sparda rolled his eyes and reached over to shove a slice of pizza into his youngest son's mouth, effectively shutting him up.

Vergil resumed reading his book, shooting his father a grateful glance. Sparda merely nodded as Dante started to chew happily.

Where was Eva when you needed her?

Five minutes ago, Eva had left to visit her family in another part of the country. She still didn't trust her husband and children not to do something stupid and reveal that they were demons/half-demons, especially after what had happened last time she took them along. As a result, she had reluctantly agreed that they should stay behind while she went to visit for a week.

It was only for a week, Sparda had reasoned. What could possibly go wrong in that short amount of time? They would be at school for most of the time anyway. Eva had merely closed her eyes in despair but allowed herself to be bundled into a waiting taxi by a suspiciously enthusiastic Dante.

Only five minutes had passed but already the older demon was missing her. Dante had begun to sing about eating pizza for every meal of the day, knowing full-well that Sparda was unable to master the kitchen appliances.

Wielding thousands of different types of weapons? Easy. Learning how to use the oven? Much more difficult.

"Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza!" Dante sang, apparently having finished his slice, and grinned at Vergil who only responded by glaring at him.

"Please, Dante. Will you stop singing? It's getting on my nerves." Sparda rubbed his forehead with one hand. Even demons were susceptible to headaches. "Now. I think I should lay down some ground rules."

The twins looked at their father, puzzled.

"Just because your mother is not going to be here, it doesn't mean that you can get away with anything. Understood? I'm not going to be easy to fool or to get around. I am in charge of this household."

Dante couldn't help it. He really couldn't. He burst out laughing at Sparda's 'serious' expression. Though a demon, their father really had no idea how to instil discipline. A small smirk also played across Vergil's lips as he regarded his father with cool contempt.

Sparda's expression, however, did not change. "I mean it you two. There will be consequences if you so much as put a tow out of line." Dante just continued to laugh at Sparda. Vergil returned his attention back to his book.

Sparda coughed and pulled a list out of his pocket. Eva had told him to make one in the hopes that she wouldn't come back to find the house in complete ruins. "I'm putting these rules up. Read them, obey them and we'll get along fine." An evil smile crossed the old hero's face.

"We're all part demon in this house at the moment. So we're going to do this the demon way." Dante paused in the middle of his hysterics. Vergil also looked up, slightly paler than usually. With that, Sparda turned and marched triumphantly out of the room after sticking the rules to the wall.

Dante glanced at his brother. "Uh, Vergil? What's the demon way?"

Vergil sighed. "It usually involves a lot of pain. And heads smashing through walls." Dante gulped dramatically.

Out in the hallway, Sparda leant against the wall and smiled fondly. 'I remember the first time I crossed by father.'

"But dad..." A small voice whined. "It was only a small skull."

"That's enough! I've had enough of your backtalk!" The giant winged demon yelled before then proceeding to take out a hammer as big as his head. Taking careful aim, he swung brutally at the mini-Sparda, the resulting force of the blow being enough to send Sparda flying through several walls.

"Ah, good times." Sparda smiled.

Meanwhile, in the other room Vergil and Dante had started to read the rules that were posted on the wall.

1) In bed by 8:30 PM

The twins gaped at the notice. 8:30?!? What kind of time was that?

2) Dante: Pizza once a day at the very most. You have to eat at least five portions of fruit/veg a day.

"That's inhuman!" Dante gasped, holding his hands to his heart. There was a pause. "Wait, he's not human, is he?"

3) Vergil: No building weapons of mass destruction. Nuclear or otherwise.

It was Vergil's turn to look stunned. But… Sparda couldn't!

4) Sparda's word is law. You obey me perfectly.

5) Homework is to be completed the same day you get it. No games machines, books or dessert until it is done.

6) You have to eat my cooking.

There was a long silence. Dante and Vergil exchanged horrified looks.

"We have to eat his cooking? Is he trying to kill us?" Dante exclaimed. The twins had only eaten one of Sparda's concoctions once before. Eva had been forced to take them to hospital and answer awkward questions about how they had managed to consume one of the most powerful poisons known to man. And survived.

Vergil merely shook his head and pointed to the rest of the rules.

7) If either of you get detention at school then there will be consequences.

"I'm doomed." Muttered Dante.

8) Clean your rooms every other day and take it in turns to put the rubbish out. Dante first. (Because I said so.)

9) No consorting with worldwide lords of crime on the internet.

"How did he know?" Vergil asked himself. With dread, they looked at the last rule on the list.

10) Obey all the above rules. Failure to comply will result in punishment. The demon form of punishment.

"This is going to be a fun week." Dante sighed. Vergil nodded his head in silent agreement.


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