Dirty Smut

11-7-2000

Summery: Enough said with the title! Wufei attempts to get revenge for them putting him into a dress, but it backfires (Read my fan-fiction Gossip Mill if you want that background). I only wrote this because my friends taunted me into it (Thanks, John R. This is for you). Not overtly graphic, but not exactly for kids either.

Warning: Too many screwed up pairings: 11x4, SPx3, 9x3, 2xDC, 1xSN... Heavy on the Relena bash! Foul language in the second part.

SPECIAL NOTE: These stories were written a long time ago, but I've never really done much with them. Some success with Weiss Kreuz fanfiction has encouraged me to go back and post all my old things here. My Gundam stories are typically comedy or spy-thrillers. These are some of my great ideas I got before I went to college so my writing isn't as good. I just feel compelled to get them on the Internet and off my hard drive. I haven't read any Gundam fanfiction in several years either so have no idea what's come and gone. This is mainly a purging on my part, but I still hope there are people who enjoy them. More will be on there way.

"I can't thank you enough, Master O, for setting this up with the other scientists. I am forever in your debt," Wufei said, smiling at the screen of his laptop.

"Well, those Polaroids Heero sent of you were quite fun. We decided fair is fair," Master O responded.

"He sent those damn pictures to you!"

"Yeah. Professor G said you have nice legs," Master O said with a smirk. Wufei screamed at the monitor before slamming the laptop shut. At least those dirty old perverts up in space were going to help him exact justice.


"Trowa, I think I got your assignment. Don't you work under Lady Une?" Quatre asked. His large, aqua eyes blinked up at the green-eyed pilot who wore a bizarre smile at the question.

"Oh yeah, I work under her alright. She's a fantastic... leader of men. That's all. Nothing!" Trowa said. A blush crept over his normally impassive face.

"Since you say she's okay...," Quatre replied baffled by his best friend's sudden blush.

"What's stranger is that I have to work on an assignment with Noin and Po," Trowa said, suddenly looking just as baffled.

"Yeah, I got a weird one too," Duo piped in. "I have to work as a stable hand at the Dermail estate so I can find out what that old crab is up to."

"I got all of you beat," Heero said, slamming his laptop shut. They looked at the nightmarish version of Heero full of anger and dark energy. "I have to be Relena's bodyguard." The three boys held in their mirth as Heero thumbed the hammer on his gun.


Quatre looked at himself in a mirror; he couldn't believe he was wearing an OZ uniform. It didn't suit his sweet looks at all. He looked like one big contradiction, but he had to do as Instructor H requested.

He turned to the food cart and wheeled it down the hall towards Lady Une's quarters. He knocked on the door and waited. Too many long minutes passed. He knocked again.

"Come in, Mister Barton," Lady Une called out. Quatre flung open the door with a sunny smile and entered the darkened room.

"Lady Une? I'm filling in for Mister Barton. I'm... I'm Quatre...," his voice trailed off. He saw the Lady in a long black silk nightgown and fuzzy high heeled shoes. A lacy robe hung off her creamy shoulders. His skin blazed red at seeing her.

"Welcome to the Lunar Base. I hope you're as adept as Mister Barton at fulfilling all of his duties," she said, smiling at him. A bright, naive smile graced his face once again.

"I hope I can live up to your high expectations. Trowa said that this assignment was demanding, but totally do-able," Quatre replied.

"Lets get you started right away," Lady Une said, walking over to her a desk across the room. She rummaged through the door.

"Great! Should I report to the hanger bay and get a mobile suit?"

"Your first assignment is to report to my bed," Lady Une said. Quatre blinked for several long seconds not comprehending his assignment at all.

"Excuse me, ma'am? Did you want me to make up your bed? Is that it?" Quatre asked. Lady Une gave him a crooked eyebrow.

"You did talk to Trowa before you arrived, right?" she asked in a flat, incredulous tone.

"Sort of. He said I would experience things I never have and make several new discoveries about OZ Colonels," Quatre said. He took note of the handcuffs she held. The picture still wasn't sinking in. Lady Une's brandy-colored eyes sparkled with delight as a smile came to her rosy lips.

"I will have to give Mister Barton a promotion for sending me such a pretty, little present. Double time it to my bed! Hup two," she shouted. Quatre scrambled to her dark bedroom, not knowing what else to do.


"Trowa!" He turned to see Noin make her way towards him through the thick forest. He waved at her. They sat on a fallen tree. "Sorry, the assignment was canceled."

"Yeah, it's okay. We have to wait to move our mobile suits though," Trowa said. Sally Po came from the other side of the clearing and sat beside Trowa.

"I have camp set up so we can have some lunch," Sally. "I was pumped up. I have all this adrenaline."

"Me too," Noin said, slumping forward on her knees. "That worm Zechs stood me up again! Can you believe that, Sally? Again!"

"Well at least your man will acknowledge you. I'm so sick of trying to get Wufei's attention. Frigid little jerk," Sally said, sinking into the gossip, totally oblivious to Trowa who began to feel a little edgy. "I swear I'm going to spike his food with Viagra."

"Heck! Give some to Zechs while you're at it. Do you know how long it's been? Three weeks. And of course it was all about him," Noin bitched back to Sally, who nodded sympathetically. Trowa about choked on his tongue. The very last thing he wanted to hear about was Colonel Zechs Merquise's sex life.

"I think I'll go check on our mobile suits, ladies," Trowa blustered and rose suddenly. He started to march away, but hushed whispers stopped him. He looked over his shoulder towards the women who were wearing hungry looks while staring at his backside. He suddenly felt like a turkey in November. They both stood as he backed away from them. A tree halted his sudden retreat. Sweat began to form on his forehead.

"So sweety, have you got a girlfriend yet?" Sally asked, rubbing a finger up and down his muscled arm. "Oh. You are a strong young man, aren't you?"

"Hands off, Po! I saw him first," Noin shouted, yanking Trowa over by his other arm. Sally grabbed him back. The two women glowered at one another.

"Wait a minute," Sally said, looking back at Trowa. "How old are you?"

"Seventeen," he replied with trepidation.

"See, Noin," Sally said, pointing her thumb back towards her encampment. "He'll go for a long time. I've got plenty of orange juice to keep him hydrated. No need to be greedy."

"You're right, Sally. You're such a good friend. We'll flip to see who goes first." The women shook hands in front of Trowa's wide, emerald eyes.

"Wait a minute. Don't I...," he trailed off as they dragged him by his elbows in between them.


"This is the crappiest assignment ever," Duo hissed. He hosed out his third horse stall. He had to finish the clean up before he could make his way towards Dermail's mansion. He turned when he heard the clip clop of another horse. He was really beginning to despise the filthy creatures.

"Stable boy, come fetch my horse," Dorothy called. Duo glared up at the girl with wheat colored hair on top of a bay gelding. "I want you to brush him and bath him. Don't forget to oil my saddle. Can you understand all that?" Dorothy asked. She slid off her horse and brushed off her riding togs. Duo gave her an icy look and went to over to the hay stack .

He put some of it in the horses' stable with a pitchfork, before leading the horse into the stall. The girl kept staring at him, to his annoyance. He began to ignore her and then grow oblivious as he brushed the horse down.

"Would madam like me to lick her shoes while I'm at it?" he asked in a caustic tone as he began to shovel more hay around, thinking that she had left. Her hands squeezing his backside told him otherwise. He swirled around and brought the pitchfork to bear. She looked at him with glazed over cornflower eyes. "Hey! Hands off the merchandise, sister!" Dorothy tossed her hair and smiled before taking off her jacket.

"So are you gay or something?"

"Of coarse not, damn it! I like girls," Duo protested.

"And you're a healthy teenaged boy refusing free sex?" Dorothy asked, crossing her arms. Duo gave her several blinks and looked her body up and down. He rolled his eyes upwards in contemplative silence.

"Oh yeah. Sorry about that," Duo said, tossing the pitchfork over his shoulder. He grabbed her and slung her towards the large haystack. He started to strip frantically right before he pounced on Dorothy.


"Oh, Heero, it's so great you're accompanying me to tea," Relena gushed, latching onto his arm. "Afterwards you can take me for some ice cream and then we'll go to that Romefeller pool party. Oh won't it be such fun?" Heero felt his jaw clinch at the thought of several fat Romefeller brats sunning themselves in Speedos.

"This way, Miss Darlian," the servant said, ushering them into a formal livingroom. Heero felt a tremor hit him as he saw the blonde girl on the sofa. It was Sylvia Noventa. Her green eyes looked away in sorrow. He felt his heart sink to the floor. He had forgotten how lovely she really was.

"Heero," Relena snapped. "Get us our tea." Heero complied, just grateful Relena wasn't touching him any longer. The girls sat on the sofa and began to talk about world events as he brought out the silver tea service. He thrust a cup at Relena, hoping she would burn her mouth.

"How should I make your tea, Sylvia?" He asked, desperate to get the girl's attention. She looked up shyly.

"A little milk, please." He prepared it and made sure it wasn't to hot or cold. He'd rather cut off his arm than see Sylvia hurt because of him again. "Thank you." She and Relena began to talk again as he took a seat across the coffee table from them.

Relena kept eyeing him, but Sylvia refused to even glance his way. It was as if Heero didn't exist. He wouldn't have that. He wanted Sylvia to know he existed.

"Miss Darlian," a servant called from the hall way. "You have a phone call from your boarding school."

"You know, being the most popular girl in school is a hard burden to bear sometimes," Relena sighed and left the room. Heero felt suddenly giddy and rather warm just being alone with Sylvia. She gave him a polite smile and turned back to her tea. That was all the encouragement he needed.

"Sylvia, could you meet me for dinner tonight. I would really like to get to know you. Everything about you. Every detail," Heero said. Sylvia gave him a wide-eyed look and shook her head coyly.

"I don't think that's appropriate. You seem like a nice enough boy, but with you and Relena being engaged...."

"Who said we're engaged?" Heero's growl caused Sylvia to flinch back. "Oh, Sylvia, I didn't mean to scare you, but I would never marry Relena. She's repulsive to me."

"Hey, Heero," Relena called out from the door way. "I got you a present. Matching bathing suits for the pool party."

"That's the straw that just broke my back," Heero growled, standing up. He had physical needs that were dying to be met with the need to get away from Relena bundled beside it. He was going to get laid today come hell or high water, but it wasn't going to be with that Peacecraft bitch. He lunged over the table and yanked Sylvia up. He swung her over his shoulder and leaped out the balcony a la Quazimoto as Relena wailed for him to come back.


"You mean naked? With no clothes?" Lady Une flopped back on her bed and rolled her eyes at Quatre's question.

"Yes. Please get with the program," she said, propping up on her elbow.

"Does Trowa participate in this sort of thing?"

"Yes. All the time and quite well. Sit here," Lady Une directed. Quatre sat on the bed beside her. She began to undress him.

"I've never done this type of thing before," Quatre squeaked out as she started to nibble his ear.

"No, really? I would have never guessed," she said in unveiled sarcasm. "Come on. It'll be fun."

"Well, okay," he said as she got to his shirt. "Um... what do I do?"

"Everything I say," she said, forcing him to lay on her bed. She straddled his stomach and handcuffed him to her headboard. "Have you ever been disciplined for begin so naughty?"

"I'm really a good person, Colonel. This won't reflect badly on my..."

"Okay, let me be blunt," Lady Une said, leaning over Quatre. She whisper the details of Trowa's last time being chained to her bed.

"People do that!"

"Trowa likes it. So does Mister Treize and Colonel Merquise. Just relax and play along or I'll have to punish you," she said, getting a riding crop from under a satin pillow.

"Yes, ma'am."

"Good, boy. Now I won't have to spank you."


"Come on, Noin. Don't use him all up," Sally called out. Noin appeared suddenly at the tent flap and stretched towards the sky. "Well?"

"Oh good lord, that boy is wasting his talents in a Gundam. After the war he could be a gigolo. He said Lady Une has been breaking him in. Remind me to write her a thank you note."

"Well. I have to see about this right now," Sally said, entering the tent. "I hope you've rested up some." Trowa looked up from the sleeping bags spread around him.

"I think I can accommodate you in a minute," Trowa said, sipping some orange juice. He lay back as Sally threw off her clothes. She dropped beside him.

"How about now?"

"Well, I'm a little tired right now," Trowa said. Sally looked under the covers at Trowa.

"My God! Noin said you should be gigolo, but boy you could make some money as a porn star if that's what you look like when you aren't in the mood."

"If you'll just be a little patient."

"I can think of another way you can make me happy until your in the mood again," Sally snatched his juice away and shoved his head under the covers.


Duo rose naked as jaybird off of Dorothy and stretched towards the stable's ceiling. He rubbed his belly and let out a huge yawn. Dorothy curled up in the hay barely able to move.

"Come on, girl. That was the warm up. Time to screw like there's no tomorrow in your house."

"What? I don't know about that," she said, shutting her eyes.

"What do you mean? You started this. I'm not finished yet," Duo groused, picking hay out of his braid.

"Well... Grandfather and Uncle Treize aren't due back until tomorrow, so I guess it'll be okay." Dorothy stood up slowly, easing into her sore body. Duo was the best time Dorothy had ever had, but he was a little overenthusiastic. She went to pick up her clothing. Duo hoisted her up and over his bare shoulder before she could retrieve anything.

"I definitely have plans. Where is Treize's desk?"

"What do you have in mind?" Dorothy asked, swatting his firm butt playfully.

"I want to do it on Treize Khushrenada's desk."

"Uncle will kill me," Dorothy wailed.

"How's he going to know? Don't be such a little chicken. After that I'll find something else to do that's really kinky," Duo said, sitting her down in the back hallways of the mansion after they had slipped inside.

"I'm not a little chicken. As a matter of fact, I'll go you one further," Dorothy said, leading Duo towards the formal dinning room where heads of state and all sorts of Romefeller dignitaries ate and discussed politics. "Grandfather just gave a speech about destroying the Gundams from this very spot." She sat up on the table and beckon Duo over. He jumped up and stood over her as she spread out seductively for him. "Are you sure you want to go again?"

"Oh yeah, baby," he said, hurling himself on top of her.


"This a dream come true for me, Sylvia. Just sitting next to you is like heaven," Heero said, putting his head on her shoulder. He had taken her straight to a motel room, where they talked in depth and reconciled their issues with one another. After that Heero had declared his undying devotion to her, which she accepted demurely. "You're soft and gentle. You make me earn your love rather than try to suffocate me with it."

"I don't know if I love you, but we could talk and see where things will go."

"That's all I want, Sylvia Noventa." He wrapped his arms around her. They tumbled back onto the bed and snuggled chastely for several long minutes.

"Heero! I know your in there! Let me in," Relena cried out. She started to pound on the room door. He shot the door a death glare and gritted his teeth. "Come out now! You still have to take me to the pool party."

"I'll take her to a pool party," Heero said, getting a twitch in his eye as he untangled from Sylvia. She laid a hand on his wrist.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes, Sylvia," he answered sincerely. She nodded smiled at him.

"I can tell. Let me handle this for you," Sylvia said, standing up. She walked over to the door and punched Relena out in one smooth motion. Relena tumbled in and groaned as Sylvia shut the door. Heero leapt up and poked Relena's shoulder. He knelt in front of Sylvia.

"Marry me," Heero demanded, warping his arms around her legs. Sylvia sunk down to his level and allowed Heero their first kiss. "Where did you learn to hit like that?"

"Grandfather was the Heavyweight champion for the Alliance three years running."

"Thank you, Mister Noventa," Heero wailed heavenwards. "I truly feel forgiven."

"Get your hands off of my Heero, you hussy," Relena said, coming around.

"Now that's my last straw," Sylvia said, standing up and grabbing the telephone cord. Heero picked up Relena and forced her into a chair. They tied her up as she cried and pleaded with Heero. "Now listen here. Heero and I need some time to ourselves to start a relationship. You're going to sit and listen from that closet."

"If you're good and don't make a sound we'll let you go after we're finished," Heero said, making an impromptu gag out of an pillow case. "Otherwise we'll leave you in there for the maid service."

Heero dragged the chair by the back into the closet after Sylvia had opened it for him. She slammed the door when he emerged. He took Sylvia in his arms and carried her over to the bed and then laid her on it. He slid in beside her, resting on his right.

All thoughts of their prisoner vanished as he started to kiss Sylvia again. He slowly unbutton her blouse and rubbed his knuckles gently over one of her pert breasts. Her rapid breathing brought thrills to Heero he never knew he could experience. He sat up and removed his clothing in a methodical fashion.

To be continued.