A/N Hi, everyone. Did you miss me? I know I haven't written in a while, but I just wanted to take a little break, so that is what I did.
The chapter titles are gods, like the chapter title for this chapter is Ma'at which is the god of 123 thought of it, and you should check out her stories, they are pretty good.
This is my new story about cutting. I have had many friends who used to cut themselves, so trust me, I know what it can do. Just keep reading it and supporting me. That's all I got to say, I guess.
Wait! I have something else to say. Guess who does not own Twilight? Me! I bet you didn't guess right!
One more, one more and everything was going to get better. That's what I used to tell myself. One more cut, and the pain will be better. If that was true, why am I sitting in the bathtub, running water over my arm? If that was true, why am I still cutting myself even though the love of my existence is back in my life?
The razor stung my skin as I cut along on of the cuts that were already in my arm. It hurt more if I slice one of the old cuts on my arm, and the pain was good. I dragged the blade over the half-healed cut, blood already running out of my skin, but diluted from the water.
I wrinkled my nose against the scent. Not the most pleasant smell, I got used to it though. After months of cutting open your arm, you have to get used to it. It's an automatic response. Today, I didn't cut as deep as I normally did. Thank goodness, because Edward was in my room. Though, he probably just thought I cut my self shaving or something like that.
A few minutes later, blood did not appear on my arm, instead the old cut looked brand new and was a bump, sticking out of my skin. Not the prettiest accessory, a bracelet would have been more elegant, but these cuts meant more. They meant being able to deal with things on my own, and not needing anyone's help.
I opened the curtain to reveal the rest of the bathroom. In the corner sat my long-sleeves, dark blue, cotton shirt, and a pair of blue and white plaid pajamas pants. I quickly got dressed, being careful not to disrupt my new cut that badly. I towel dried my hair and put it up in a messy bun. Alice would have been proud.
When I got to my room, Edward was laying across my bed, with his eyes closed and hands behind his head. He looked like he could be sleeping, but two seconds later he opened his eyes, and saw me standing in the doorway with a small smile on my face.
"Go say goodnight to Charlie, he think that you are sneaking out to find me. Let him see you in your pajamas."
I turned around and ran out the door. Charlie decided that Edward was only allowed over certain hours of the day, but he didn't know that he watched me sleep almost every night in the bedroom next to his.
Charlie was sitting in the couch, watching the NBA play with the basketball across the court. When he looked up, he seemed surprised to see me in my pajamas and my hair wet. "You're going to sleep now, isn't it a little early? It's only 9:30."
"I have school in the morning, but if you want me to, I'll stay up and watch television with you for a little bit." I knew that he would say no.
"No, Bells, that's okay. Go to sleep. 'Night." He turned back to the television, obviously too focused on the NBA to pay me anymore attention.
When I made it back to my room, Edward was lying on my bed, this time with his arms opened wide, inviting me into them. Curled up, against his chest, my eyes slowly shut, but I didn't want to go to sleep. My lullaby, which he was humming, didn't help much either.
"Aren't you tired?" He asked after a while. His fingers softly stroked through my hair, and his other hand laid on my waist, gently pushing me into him. "You got up early this morning. You should be exhausted."
"I don't want to sleep." I lied. The truth was, my new cut was burning me. Searing me is more like it. Way more than normal. Maybe I should let that cut heal all the way before I cut into it again. I only like the pain when I am cutting and only the dullness of the sting afterwards. Not this much pain. Then I realized, Edward could easily put out the pain.
I extended my arm, and put my wrist right against his chest. Even through both of our clothes, the relief from the ice cold skin came almost immediately. This is just one great thing about having a vampire boyfriend.
"If you don't want to sleep, then what do you want to do?" Edward asked, after a few short moments of silence.
Oh great! Now I can't go to sleep next to my perfect Adonis boyfriend. Instead I have to do something with him, while I'm this tired. "I don't know, do you want to play cards or something?"
Cards didn't take much energy, and the only game that I would play right now was WAR. I mean, all you have to do if flip over the card, not much brainwork at all. And I might just win, because the game is pure luck.
"Cards sound fun. Do you have a deck in this room? Or should I sneak into another room?" Edward asked. I knew he always liked my useless panic whenever he risked exposing his overnight visits.
"No, I have a deck in the top drawer of my bureau. Why it's there? I have no idea."
Edward was going to get up and get it, but I stopped him, remembering what other items are in that drawer. Items I do not think I want him seeing. He shook my arm off of him, probably thinking I didn't want him to get it for another stupid reason. I breathed in sharply. Even though he was gentle, he didn't know how gentle to be. He, unknowingly, touched my new cut with just enough pressure to make it sear.
Edward's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, he knew that he was being gentle. "Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I'll just go get th-"
It was too late. He was already there. I saw him freeze right where he was standing. Then, almost automatically, a 'what in the world' expression controlled his face. Edward, slowly, even for a human, reached into the drawer and took out five razor blades. I'm pretty sure that's all I have hidden there. He studied them carefully, both perfect eyebrows furrowed again. Slowly he raised his eyes to meet mine. "Bella, what in the world do you have a collection of razor blades in your drawers for?"
The panic set in. I could feel my pulse pick up. I knew that he was going to find out my secret. That was the only amount of time I could keep it from him? Two weeks?! "I have no idea. I guess they just accumulated there."
Wow, my voice was actually quite even.
Edward's eyes questioned my sanity. "And how do you just accumulate things like this?" he held up one of the blades by the sharp edge, I didn't cut him.
I chuckled nervously, "Doesn't anything ever accumulate in your underwear drawer?"
That God it was my underwear drawer! Edward finally looked around in the drawer and noticed all my private possessions in there. I swear, if he could blush, he would have. His eyes got wide and he stared on the drawer for more moments than if it was the drawer I kept my jeans in.
In a flash he was right back by my side, professionally shuffling the cards. He was better than anyone you would see in Vegas. "But seriously Bella, razor blades? It's just not like you."
I dramatically rolled my eyes at him. "Can we just begin playing?"
He smiled a little and in three point five seconds, he already dealt both of our cards. He already had his first card down, and my cards were in a neat little stack right in front of me.
Queen of spades against seven of diamonds, in his favor. It looks like I'm in for a long night.
A half hour later I was becoming determined. I just wanted to win this game, and I was winning; I had three of the aces, and we were in WAR. I was pretty sure that his last ace was in laid out in front of him in the three cards I could win.
I flipped my card, hoping and praying for one of my aces to help me win. I opened my eyes. Six of hearts. Well, that just stinks!
He flipped over his card and it turned out to be Jack of diamonds. Damn. I lost that one. The only good part was that a beautiful smile crossed his face. "Bella, it's just a game, really. There is no need for all of this serious business."
"I just want to win." I pouted.
Edward gave me a small smile and flipped over my cards. The ace of spades! That beautiful ace! No! I can't let him have it! I made a grab for it with my right hand, and missed. He moved his hand out of the way, and held it behind his shoulder, like the handle of a baseball bat.
My hand landed on his shoulder, from not being able to move it anymore without getting out of my seat. Edward chuckled slightly and grabbed my hand, kissing it slightly. I gasped, the sleeve to my shirt had ridden up, and Edward had my hand in his. About six horizontal cuts were clearly visible, and then there was still diagonal and vertical.
I froze; I didn't know what else to do. What else could I do? I couldn't really wrestle with a vampire. Edward kissed my hand again, still totally oblivious to my little freak-out session over here. He kissed my hand again; I knew what he was doing. He was making his way to my wrist.
I did the only thing I could think of doing. "Edward, stop! Please!"
He looked at me questionably. Though, he still had my hand in his. "What am I doing wrong, love? I'm not hurting you, am I?" His eyes turned anxious, as he looked at my hand, then my wrist. "What the…"
He knows. My breathing started to get heavy as I started to hyperventilate. My voice came out as barely a whisper. "Edward…"
A/N I hope you liked it. I'm not sure if I liked it myself. So you guys really, really, really, have to tell me if you liked it, and what you want to see happen, because I am not sure exactly where I am taking it, but I do have a few ideas. I'm not sure when the next chapter will be up