A/N: Surprise! My original NaNo novel didn't work out, so I restarted halfway through day one, and wrote a Sirius/Remus fic, since it's what I'm best at. Woot! And now you all get fifty thousand beautiful words of Moony and Padfoot goodness. Feel loved, or what? (Because I do love you, almost as much as I love my beautiful, beautiful boys.)
Warning: Slash, swearing, sexual references, ect.
Disclaimer: Characters are JK Rowling's. God bless her and her beautiful, beautiful mind. I love this woman. (Almost as much as I love you!)
Dedicated: To my very own Sirius, rainbowxcrayons. She is a goddess of awesome. Also to Atria/Maiden Angel, who actually let me RP Sirius/Remus with her after three years, ZOMG. YAY. And to Andeh, who was going to do NaNo, but just read my novel instead. And to matthewfrommauritius, who didn't do NaNo this year. Burn. And to Hannah/HanieFace. I love you, darling.
Note: I have, in fact, 50,529 words of this written. I'm going to have to edit the worst bits right out though, so chances are you might wind up with maybe like half that much.
Oh, and I warn you in advance; I was going for quantity, not quality when writing this. (For those who don't know, the aim of NaNoWriMo is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, so I was pretty pressed for time and wasn't able to sit down and write something amazing.) It's not the best thing I've ever written, by a long shot. It's good enough to post though, in my opinion, so keep in mind my quantity not quality approach when you're reading.
"I want to kiss you so badly right now."
"That's nice Sirius."
"I'm serious, Moony. My love for you burns eternally, like some kind of annoying, impossible to blow out prank candle. I am going to kiss you now."
"Padfoot, it's just-Mmph! Gross, Sirius, you actually kissed me! For god's sakes, it's just an essay." Remus Lupin, otherwise known as Moony, Marauder, werewolf, and homework-doer extraodinare wiped the slobber off his mouth, giving his best friend, Sirius Black, a disgusted look.
"Ah, loosen up Moony, me old girl. By doing that homework, you've saved me the whipping of a lifetime from old McGonagall. Not that I would have especially minded, that woman is a fox, but it's nice knowing my beautiful arse is safe to dazzle millions another day." Sirius beamed, resting his head idly on Remus' shoulder, reading the essay quickly again. "God, I don't even know what half this shit means. You're an utter peach."
"Thanks for the mental pictures, Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes. "The image of McGonagall in leather will haunt me forever. I will never go to her classes again."
"Oh, you're so English and sexually repressed. Why, that mental picture will last me many a long and lonely winter night. I will cuddle it as I go to bed, and kiss it in many soft, private places." Sirius grinned.
"You're horrible, you know that? Absolutely bloody horrible." Remus rolled his eyes, standing up and dropping Sirius' head unceremoniously onto his bed, upon which they were sitting. "I'm going to bed. Where I will not be thinking of teachers in leather, or anyone at all for that matter, other than my one true love, the sandman."
"Oh really? You've got a thing for dream men then?" Sirius grinned, sitting up unperturbed. "Bringing you lots of good, exciting dreams?"
"Yes." Remus said dryly. "Every night I wait for him to come to me. The sand in the eyes is in fact a huge turn on. He and I screw all night in my head."
"Kinky. Can I join?"
"Bring your own sand." Remus smirked, opening his trunk and looking for pyjamas.
"Hot stuff. I'd offer for you to come over to my dreams, but you're already there every night."
"You charmer." Remus smiled. "That line's so good, that I might just sleep with you now."
"Really?" Sirius beamed, excitedly.
"Actually, it was pathetically cheesy. I wouldn't try it on a bird, if I were you."
"You wouldn't try anything on a bird, Moony. Except maybe 'Ahh ermm... could I maybe borrow a... errr quill? Mine seems to have ahhh... snapped. Ummm thanks....' Maybe that sandman thing wasn't too far from home."
"Sod off." Remus rolled his eyes, removing his tie and starting on his shirt buttons. "You're one to talk, Mr. Fetish For Hair Products."
"Shut up. I don't find them sexually appealing or anything, I just like them." Sirius blushed.
"You have over ten different products! And your hair looks like shit, anyway."
"It does not! Girls love the scruffy, rebellious look. I'm a babe magnet."
"You look like a poofter!"
"At least I'm not like James, all 'Ooooh look, look, I'm so masculine and athletic, I can let my hair look like a bloody bird's nest.' It's nineteen seventy nine, Remus, the messy, androgynous look is on the way in. I'm just a little ahead of my time, I thank you very much."
"English librarian is never on it's way in." Remus said gloomily, undoing the last button on his shirt and tugging it off.
"That's because English Librarians are stuffy, and even if any of their Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends do drag them to a good party, they just sit in a corner going 'umm, errr,' and drinking pumpkin juice. Even if they do look damn nice without a shirt on."
"Sure about that whole not gay thing, Sirius?" Remus raised an eyebrow, removing his trousers. "English Librarians have more sense than said Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends, thank you very much indeed. And English Librarians are useful, because they help out said Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends with late essays when necessary. Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends would be getting whipped by Leather-Clad Professors left, right, and centre otherwise."
"Ouch, Moony! Not centre! I wanna be able to shit again in future, thank you!"
"Thank youfor that, Sirius. I was hoping not to vomit before bedtime tonight, thanks."
"Ahh, you secretly enjoy my grossness." Sirius grinned, watching Remus slip on pyjama pants.
"Not especially." Remus said. "It's actually a bit of an annoyance. After all, English Librarians enjoy reading, and books just aren't much fun when Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friends make us chuck all over them."
"The Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friend would make a witty comeback, but he's distracted by watching the English Librarian getting dressed."
"The English Librarian finds this creepy, and is going to sleep now." Remus slid on a night shirt, and got into bed. "Night, Padfoot."
"Nighty night, Moonster. Hopefully me and my deliciously leather-clad McGonagall won't keep you up."
"Please don't even say it. My beloved sandman awaits." Remus closed the curtains on his four poster, and had barely shut his eyes, when Sirius let out a loud moan of 'Oh, Minerva! Spank it! I've been a bad puppy, yeah, yeah!' Remus groaned, and sat up slightly.
"Shut the bloody hell up Sirius, or I'll test our next prank on your junk!"
Sirius yelped, and then there was finally a silence, for the English Librarian to slip gently into sleep.
"Remus!" Sirius yelled, and Remus turned to face him. Something was wrong though, and it took him a moment to realise just what.
"Sirius, you're wearing makeup. And a dress." Remus said quizzically, wondering why the walls of their dormitory were made of cheese.
"I know, isn't it neat? These stilettos really make my legs look sexy." Sirius beamed, doing a twirl and flicking his even longer hair all around. "Androgyny's reaching new levels, and I look just darling!" His lipstick was really a hideous shade of bright red. Oddly enough it suited Sirius though. Brought out his eyeliner.
"I'm really tired, Sirius." Remus sighed, suddenly realising that he was. "I may be wearing clothes made of pudding, but I need to get some sleep nonetheless. Help me figure out how to get the pudding off."
"I could lick it all off?" Sirius grinned, and Remus eyed him.
"Just kidding. It's gone already, see?"
Remus looked down, and found it was quite true, he was stark naked.
"I can't sleep like this!"
"Here, borrow my trousers. I'll never need them again!" Sirius said gleefully, tossing Remus a pair of tight black trousers. Shrugging, Remus pulled them on, and slid into bed.
"Ugh, it's full of sand!" Remus said in disgust, trying to brush it off, only to find that his whole bed was now made of sand.
"I know, doesn't it turn you on?" Sirius said, crawling on top of Remus, dressed now inexplicably in some horrible thing made of leather.
"Umm... not especially. I just want to sleep, Sirius. Would you mind getting off?" It took him a split second - or was it hours? - to realise what he had said.
"Of course I wouldn't mind, just didn't reckon you were into that kind of thing." Sirius beamed, and Remus rolled his eyes and shoved him off onto the other side of the bed.
"Spoil spo-oh shit!" Sirius had started to sink into the sand of Remus' bed, sand that somehow stretched for miles, and yet was contained entirely within the confines of the bed all at once. Sirius grabbed Remus' hand in panic, and Remus found himself sinking into the sand as well, gasping in shock. The sand was gooey, but sand textured at the same time. Both boys were encased in seconds - or was it a lifetime? - and the only thing Remus could tell wasn't some horrible illusion was Sirius' hand, warm and sticky in his. Very sticky. Like it was covered in honey.
"Sirius?" He said, wondering how he expected Sirius to hear him through all this - and for that matter how he was speaking at all... "Have you been eating honey with your bare hands?"
"Of course!" Sirius grinned. "I'm Winnie the Pooh!"
"Oh god." Remus sighed, then paused. "And I think I'm Boromir of Gondor."
"How odd." Sirius mused. "I think I need new hairspray."
Remus was woken at this point by Sirius spraying his scented hairspray in his face.
"Plttttttthht, gross Sirius! God, you're a freak!"
"And a good morning to you too, Moony, my darling late riser. James and Pete are already downstairs at breakfast. Were you too busy enjoying your wonderful dreams of me?"
"Actually, you were there." Remus said, sitting up and rubbing his face tiredly. "You were in a dress and makeup, only then you were in leather, and you were lying on my bed, and we got absorbed by sand. I think."
"You're a weird one, Remus Lupin." Sirius smiled affectionately. "Now get the hell up. You look like you spent the night in a blender. A blender full of soft but violent pillows."
"How did you know about my bedtime habits, Black?" Remus asked, tumbling out of his bed and onto the floor. "Ooof." He added.
"I watch you sleep. Going round in your pillow blender, the sweetest look of serenity on your face. It's all I can to do resist coming in there myself." Sirius swooned.
"How incredibly non terrifying that statement was." Remus said, voice muffled and warped by the fact that half of his face was mushed against the floor.
"Oh really? Wasn't I trying hard enough?" Sirius pouted, and Remus aimed a kick at him, which of course missed. "Ahh, come on Moony. Time to get up. Morning has broken and all that. Time to get ready for classes, I doubt you'll have much time for breakfast now."
"Ugghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." Remus said, sitting up and rubbing his face. "Okay. Okay. I'm up." His fingers caught slightly, as ever, on the three bold scars running across his face. For a second, Remus had a blinding urge to chase down whatever son of a bitch had done this to him, and kill them violently, but it passed, as all such urges pass in English Librarian types; tragically unfulfilled.
"Atta boy, Moony. What ho and all that. Delicious buttered toast awaits!"
"Thought it was too late for breakfast." Remus said groggily, sliding his night shirt off.
"Lied. You know James, Pete and I get up obnoxiously early. Sleep is for lesser mortals. The rest of Gryffindor I'd wager are brushing their toothiepegs right about now. Have at!"
"I will kill you." Remus growled, rummaging through his trunk for clothes, not having bothered to get off the floor yet.
"If it wasn't for me, you'd sleep through all your classes." Sirius said placidly.
"I'm nocturnal, remember." Remus said back, trying to tug off his pyjama pants while still sitting, and doing a terrible job of it. "Werewolf?"
"No excuse. You'd be lost without your Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friend."
"I would indeed. After all, English Librarian Werewolves must never miss a class I suppose, no matter how tired they may be from a night of frolicking with Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Friend The Dog. And as I'm not tired from that at present, there's really no excuse."
"There really isn't." Sirius shook his head.
"Up I get then." Remus dragged himself up, looking in his trunk for fresh underpants.
"Bravo, Moony! You've discovered feet! We're all very very proud of you indeed."
"I'm sure you are, Sirius." Remus rolled his eyes, pulling on the clean pants and looking for trousers. "I'm truly touched."
"Doesn't sound particularly true. I may have to actually touch you, just to be on the safe side."
"No thanks, Sirius. No talk of touching until I at least have trousers on, or I may start suspecting you are a bloody fairy after all." Remus fished out a dirty pair of James' trousers that had somehow found their way into his trunk, and tossed them at James' bed.
"Well who wouldn't want to touch someone so glorious?"
"Try everybody." Remus rolled his eyes, pulling on a pair of his own trousers.
"Everybody is fools. Are fools? MOONY! GRAMMAR HELP!" Sirius whined.
"Everybody is a fool." Remus sighed, looking now for a clean shirt.
"Everybody is a fool. Moony, where would I be without you?"
"Probably lost in a stew of your own bad grammar, somewhere in Borneo, or one of those places where they eat people who don't know the difference between a verb and a Proverb." Remus smirked, pulling the shirt on and doing up the buttons, then grabbing the first robes he saw.
"I do too! A verb's a bible thingy, and a Proverb's a... doing word, right?"
"Other way around." Remus smiled, fastening the robe around his neck. "Very close though."
"Oh whatever. Not planning on being an English Librarian anytime soon, so I reckon I'll be good. Ready to go, Moony?"
"Gotta brush my teeth. You made me forget last night, and my mouth tastes like pudding died in it."
"Pudding can die?" Sirius asked, following Remus into the bathroom and watching him as he prepared his toothbrush. "I thought it was already dead... killed tragically by pudding hunters in the middle east."
"Actually it's just made of milk and flavouring and stuff. No killing involved. But it does tend to die in your mouth if you don't brush your teeth." Remus said, then began methodically scrubbing his mouth.
"I prefer my story of pudding hunters. It sounds like a pretty interesting job. I believe I shall become a pudding hunter when I leave Hogwarts. I'll go out into the wild and chase the pudding along as it goes 'WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE' through the deserts, then pierce it victoriously with a spear, and send it home to glorious England for schoolchildren everywhere to devour with glee. Oh, what a life I shall lead."
"And I suppose I'm to follow you and swoon at your manliness?"
"Ah, but of course, Moony, my old bean. Who better to play my damsel? And where would I be in the deserts of the middle east without your grammar?"
"Probably stuck in quicksand." Remus eyed him, picking up his bag.
"Exactly! It would be a harsh life, with no Moony to ply for sexual favours with bags of his favourite sand. I would surely perish."
"That you would." Remus smiled, the two of them heading down to breakfast, along with the other few stragglers. "And then who would hunt down the deadly pudding as it goes 'WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE WOBBLE' and hunts down innocent children with it's.... wobbliness?"
"Hundreds of innocent children would be wobbled to death."
Remus nodded. "I guess you'll just have to take me with you."
"That I shall. I will pick you up and throw you over my shoulder in a display of supreme manliness, and you shall squeal femininely and wear a frock. And then I shall carry you to the Middle East, where we will make sweet sandy love under the roof of our pudding proof tent."
"Oh Sirius, your future is so enticing, I feel I may swoon right now!"
"Swoon away, sweet maiden, for soon your swooning will be mine alone, for no other man to defile with his filthy swoon lust."
"Oh Sirius, you know only your swoon lust could satisfy me and my swooning." Remus grinned.
"And that is as it should be." Sirius nodded, sitting down next to James at breakfast. "Morning, Prongsey me old sausage."
"Morning Padfoot. What madness have you two come up with this morning?"
"I am going to the middle east to be a pudding hunter, and Remus will come with me and swoon and correct my grammar, and we will make sweet sandy love all night long."
"Sounds like an exciting life. Will you need a best friend to come along?"
"But of course! Every adventurer needs a Dashing And Manly Sidekick. As long as you don't try to steal my bird - that's Moony."
"I would never steal your Moony Bird, I'd bring my own sweet Lily Flower. And what's this about being a sidekick? What happened to companion?"
"Oh alright, I suppose. The Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Adventurer shall bring his Dashing And Manly Companion, and his English Librarian Bird to the middle east to go pudding hunting with him. It will be a glorious adventure!"
"What about Lily and Pete?"
"Ehmmm..." Sirius frowned. "Lily can be the Dashing And Manly Companion's Blossom Of Desire. And Peter can be our Supremely Wonderful Pudding Eater."
"Sounds like him all over." James grinned.
"Where is Peter?" Remus asked, then took another bite of his toast.
"Bathroom. He should be back any minute." James said. And my Blossom Of Desire is nowhere to be seen! My heart truly bleeds."
"You've only been dating three weeks, you prat." Sirius rolled his eyes.
"And I miss her every second we're apart." James said dramatically. "My Blossom Of Desire is my true reason for existing, chasing pudding is merely something I do on the side for fun."
"Dashing And Manly Companion! I doubt your commitment to our bold custom of chasing down the vicious pudding monsters! Think of all the children who will be wobbled to death if you're too busy existing for your Blossom Of Desire!"
"My apologies, Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Adventurer. I had forgotten the children! May my flesh be flayed with the sharpest of whips, and rubbed with saltwater."
"If that's what gets your rocks off." Sirius grinned. "Morning Pete." He added. "We're all going to the middle east to kill pudding."
"Sounds like a plan." Peter smiled. "I can't see Remus killing anything though, least of all pudding. He loves it almost as much as chocolate."
"Exactly, so he's going to marry me, and watch me killing pudding handsomely and swoon with all his might. And you can be our Supremely Wonderful Pudding Eater."
"Sounds like a jolly good plan. I suppose we'll have to bring Lily too. Otherwise James'll just wither and die."
"My Blossom Of Desire is my reason for living, as is saving children in peril from being wobbled to death by pudding." James said nobly.
"We're bringing the Blossom Of Desire. Heh heh heh! BOD!" Sirius snickered.
"What?" James blinked.
"B O D. Bod. Lily's your bod."
"Oh. Ha ha Sirius."
"She's got a bloody nice bod."
"She's behind you, and is about to smack you one, Sirius."
Sirius looked up. "Oh shit. Morning, Bod."
Lily slapped him. "You know Sirius, if you'd just left it, I wouldn't have had to do that." She slid into the other seat next to James. "Morning, James. What brand of nonsense is it today?"
"Oh, this and that." James shrugged. "You know. I'm a brave, Dashing And Manly Pudding Killer."
"That you are." Lily smiled, and kissed him. "I take it that the joint Marauder imagination is in full swing this morning?"
"Oh, it's swinging." Sirius smirked, and Lily glared at him.
"What? I'm not after you, I've already got myself an English Librarian Bird, AKA Moony." He beamed, swinging his arm around Remus.
"Charming." Lily rolled her eyes. "And I suppose this masterful plan of yours involves the two of us swooning around while our manly manly men run off and do Daring Things, hmmm?"
"That'd be right, Blossom Of Desire." Sirius smirked, somehow managing to look debonaire, even with jam on his cheek. Remus wondered faintly how he did that.
"I'd rather do the Daring Things, to be honest." Lily eyed him. "James can stay home with Remus - sorry, English Librarian Bird - and swoon and knit and such, and I'll be the Dashing And Manly Pudding Killer."
"But my love!"
"Face it James, I'm much better at Daring Things than you are, and you're much better at swooning."
"She's got you there, Prongsie." Sirius grinned, and James laughed. "You're a swooner alright."
"As long as Lily my Dashing And Manly Pudding Killer will come home and make Sweet Sandy Love to me all night long."
"Of course, my Blossom Of Desire." Lily kissed him softly on the cheek. "Why sandy love though?"
"Oh, that part's just Moony's not-so-secret fetish." Sirius said around a mouthful of egg.
"Disgusting, Sirius." Remus said gently. "And yes. There's nothing sexier than sand."
"Moony said sexy!" Sirius jumped back in shock, pointing at Remus. "The world as we know it is coming to an end!"
"Sexy." Remus grinned. "Sexy sexy sexy. Bum arse tits. I do swear sometimes, Sirius."
Sirius didn't hear, he was too busy covering his ears with his hands and screaming "LA LA LA LA LA LA!"
Lily giggled. "I don't think he heard you, Remus."
"James!" Sirius gasped, grabbing onto his friend's arm. "JAMES JAMES JAMES SAVE ME FROM MOONY! HE'S SAYING THINGS AN ENGLISH LIBRARIAN BIRD SHOULD NEVER SAY!"
"Breasts." Remus said with relish, grinning wickedly.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius howled, collapsing to the floor and clutching his heart, the very picture of a dramatic death from too much swearing. Remus, James, and Peter just ignored him. Lily rolled her eyes.
"Did you finish Professor Finley's essay, Remus?" She asked, picking up her fork again. "I had trouble with some of the equations, we've never done anything like this before."
"I know." Remus sighed. "It took me ages to work it all out. I'm still not a hundred percent sure what he's trying to teach us, but I think I have the gist."
"ARGH ARITHMANCY IS EVEN WORSE TORTURE THAN REMUS TALKING ABOUT TITS!" Sirius rolled on the ground, clutching his head in horror. "MAKE THEM STOP, JAMES!"
"Sorry Padfoot, too busy swooning over Lily's Dashing And Manly Adventures." James smirked, dropping an apple on Sirius' stomach ("Oof!" said Sirius.) "Feel free to entertain yourself down there though."
"Oooh, a ball!" Sirius grinned, rolling it along the floor, eyes fixed on it. Lily eyed him.
"What are you, a dog?"
The three Marauders at the table exchanged looks, but Sirius just laughed. "Yes I am, a big old shaggy dog. Scratch behind my ear?" He offered her his head, and Lily laughed and scratched him.
"Good doggy. No sticking your nose up my skirt."
"Awwwww." Sirius pouted. "That's the best part of being a dog!" He scratched at his neck dog style, with his hand.
"Sorry mate, but you know I'd have to kill you." James sighed.
"Oh darn. I'll resist then, I'd hate to be such a bother."
"Awfully decent of you, old bean."
"What what." Sirius grinned, sliding back into his seat. "Cheerio, pip pip!"
"Tally ho!" James beamed. "I say, old watermelon."
"What say you, my old pipe?"
"I say, this toast is simply the most scrumptious. I must send my compliments to the elves."
"Hear, hear!" Sirius grinned. Remus rolled his eyes.
"God, they'll never stop with the stupid accents now." He rubbed his eyes. "Class can't come soon enough."
"Moony, old petal! What is all this nonsense you're spouting?" Sirius gasped.
"You two are never gonna stop with the stupid accents now."
"Well if it's that much of a problem, I'll drop the accent, but not the old sausage thing. I think I'll keep that, my old spring roll."
Remus rested his head in his hands gently, and James laughed.
"Well played, old pumpernickel!" He clapped his hands together pompously. "Shall we head to class?"
"Indeed. I tire of breakfast, my old sock. Let us set sail for Charms!" Sirius beamed.
"You lot can sail, my old pencil cases. I have a canoe!" James made canoeing motions with his arms, pulling himself along towards the stairs to Charms. "Come on, old goldfish!"
"Can't argue with the man's logic." Sirius shrugged, and set off in his own canoe, getting into a race with James as they drew close to the door out of the Great Hall.
Lily shook her head. "Why did I ever agree to go out with him?" She asked quietly.
"I find myself asking almost exactly the same question on a regular basis." Remus smiled, picking up his bag. "Generally speaking though, it's more fun when James and Sirius are around."
"Oh." Lily giggled. "Do you... erm... do you mean you and Sirius are...."
"What?" Remus jumped. "Oh no, no. We just joke. But no. I meant asking why I ever became friends with them. It's still perplexing to me."
"Fair enough." Lily smiled knowingly. "I suppose you're right, about it being more fun. I don't think I've ever canoed out of breakfast before." And with a last smile to Remus, Lily began rowing her own canoe furiously, to catch up with James.
"What ho, old lacy-knickers?" Sirius grinned, sitting down next to Remus in the common room that afternoon. "Had a good boring time in Arithmancy?"
"Yes. I would offer to tell you about it, but you wouldn't care, and you'd just spend the whole time calling me 'old girls blouse' instead." Remus sighed, lying down with his head on Sirius' lap. "I am exhausted from a full day of being a nerdy, studious English Librarian Bird type."
"As you should be, old girls blouse. I won't have any wife of mine having energy at the end of the day. You must work your fingers to the bone I tell you, to the bone!"
"But then how am I supposed to use them?" Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius shrugged.
"I dunno, but be careful when you're getting me off, old lipstick. I don't want your skeleton fingers touching my downstairs."
"Fair enough. I'll start working on making my toes more dextrous."
"As it should be." Sirius nodded. "Whatever dextrous means." He added.
"You seem pretty wiped too." Remus commented idly. "You're not trying to set my head on fire."
"Hey, that only happened once." Sirius protested. "But yeah, I am kinda tired, old puff of perfume. I think I need to sleep more."
"Fair enough." Remus smiled. "Does this mean that tonight I'll get to sleep without being kept awake by the sound of you playing with yourself?" He smirked.
"Come on Moony, you know I do that in my sleep. You can't fight it. But you know, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, old satin bra. Heh heh, beat 'em."
"No thanks, old wanker. I'd rather get some actual sleep thanks. Besides, I don't have leather McGonagall to keep me company."
"Oh, be still my pounding heart. You've gotten me all excited, old woman. You may have to move your head soon, or at least start doing interesting things with it."
"Eurgh." Remus rolled his eyes, sitting up straight. Sirius took the opportunity to put his own head in Remus' lap instead. "Ha."
"You tricked me, you bastard." Remus eyed Sirius, fiddling with his hair idly. "I may have to yank this out as punishment."
"NO!" Sirius yelled. "Not my glorious, glorious locks! Kill me first!" He swooned as well as one can when already lying down, and Remus smiled.
"I suppose I'll have to let you off the hook then, since that was such an excellent swoon. Before long, you'll be taking my place as the swooner, and I'll be... what was it? The Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killer."
"You would make a good Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killer." Sirius smiled dreamily. "I wouldn't make a good English Librarian Bird though, I'd set fire to all my books and jerk you off with my skeleton hands."
"Ah, here's the arson at last. I wondered what was missing from this conversation." Remus rolled his eyes.
"I don't see what''s so wrong with that - fire is pretty, and books are boring. Pure logic."
"In your own little world, maybe." Remus rolled his eyes. "No, I think I'll have to stick to being the English Librarian Bird. You can remain the Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killer."
"Have at, foul pudding!" Sirius grinned, then frowned. "No. Not foul pudding. Delicious, splendid, and oh so creamy pudding. Much better. Have at, delicious, splendid, and oh so creamy pudding!" Sirius grinned again, and thrust at invisible pudding with his arm. "I will cut you down like the blob you are."
"Ooooh, I shiver and swoon at the sight of your Devilishly Handsome And Androgynousness." Remus smiled. "I feel I shall faint with the genderlessness of it all."
"As you should." Sirius nodded. "This is exactly how things should be."
"Yes it is, old bean." Remus smiled.
There was a period of silence, in which Sirius stared into the dying fire and listened to the last people leaving the common room, and Remus played with Sirius' hair, and thought about his Defence homework.
"Marmalade." Sirius said suddenly.
"Indeed." Remus nodded. "Any particular reason?"
"None whatsoever. Quite simply, marmalade."
"Fair enough." Remus nodded. "Quite the intellectual conversation starter, marmalade."
"So orangey." Sirius agreed. "And ever so delicious. Moony, I want some marmalade."
"Then go to the kitchens and get some."
"But my head is too comfortable in your lap." Sirius whined.
"And what am I supposed to do about this predicament?"
"I dunno." Sirius shrugged. "Turn into marmalade."
"Ohh, of course. I should have realised. Poof! I'm marmalade now." Remus said dryly.
"You don't feel like marmalade. You feel like squishy were-boy."
"Charming. No, I don't feel like marmalade. I was joking."
"Aww. Dammit. You're never marmalade."
"Cruel of me." Remus nodded. "If it's any consolation, you're never marmalade when I want you to be either."
"That is a blatant untruth!" Sirius yelped. "I am always marmalade. I am all marmalade all the time. I'm a bloody marmalade admiral!"
"I... I actually have no response to what you just said." Remus said, faintly aghast.
"I shall sail the seven jam seas in my marmalade frigate, waging war on all toast who opposes me! You shall be my English Librarian Marmalade Wench, and wear a beautiful dress and we will make rough, gooey love all night long."
"Oh god." Remus sighed. "Could you maybe make up some fantasy one day where we don't make some kind of love all night long?"
"Moony!" Sirius gasped, leaping upright as though ashamed for his head to be touching Remus. "Blasphemy! I suspect that making love all night long shall always be a part of our future! And as all night is half of the day I can imagine it would be a rather large part. Heh heh, large part."
"Of course. How could I have ever said otherwise?" Remus rolled his eyes, and Sirius replaced his head.
"Much better. I almost had to disown you for a second there, Moony."
"God forbid." He rolled his eyes. "I would hate for that to happen."
"As it should be." Sirius nodded.
"When are we going to sleep though, if we're making rough, gooey love all night long?"
Sirius eyed him like he was crazy. "Have you ever seen marmalade sleep, Remus?"
Remus pondered this. "Fair enough, I suppose. But let me throw this back. Have you ever seen marmalade make rough gooey love all night long?"
Sirius smirked and cocked an eyebrow. "Just check your toast this morning, Moony my dear."
"Gnah. I am never eating marmalade again."
"I have an admiral's hat that says otherwise." Sirius waggled his eyebrows.
"But marmalade doesn't ea-" Remus began, and then; "Oh."
Sirius laughed. "You're so naïve sometimes, Moony my love muffin. It's why I long for your marmalade so."
"That's nice, but I believe it's time for bed." Remus stood up, letting Sirius' head hit the sofa.
"And sweet rough gooey marmaladey lovemaking?" He sat up hopefully.
"No, just sleep I'm afraid. No sweet rough gooey marmaladey love until I see that admiral's hat." Remus folded his arms and smirked.
"Fair enough, I suppose. I wouldn't do me either until I saw the admiral's hat."
Remus laughed. "Come on, Devilishly Handsome And Androgynous Pudding Killing Marmalade Admiral, let's get some sleep."
"As you wish, English Librarian Werewolf Marmalade Bird." Sirius smiled, leaping up and taking Remus' arm.