The question on all Twilight fan's lips: can vampires actually get drunk? Welcome Emmett Cullen and Jasper Hale onto the scene. Don't look now, but are they... jazz hands??

Agus... Madra rua... tá geansaí orm, tá scamaill sá spéir... Tabhair dom on caca milis! Ciúnas bothar cailín bainne, o sea... Ina musca!

Can Vampires Get Drunk?

Emmett (Otherwise known as Em)

'Uh, Jazz?' I asked, as he waltzed down the stairs, carrying what looked suspiciously like a bottle of vodka in his left hand.

'Hmm?' Jazz mumbled in response. I stared at him, slightly taken aback. My man Jazz, mumbling? The dude spent most of his depressingly long life moaning on and on to anyone who would listen that the most annoying thing about humans was the mumbling until Alice could predict when he was gonna start and we'd all go and 'hunt'. But then the freak controlled our minds by laying some freaky mojo on us that made us willing to listen to him. That's my man Jazz.

'Yeah, um, dude, what up with the vodka?' even as I asked this he took a huge swig. I swiped at the bottle, and he fell back out of the way.

'Jazz, dude, come off it! You planning on spending the next three days coughing your guts up?'

'Nope. I-I is going to siiiing.' He slurred, waving the bottle in what could be an alarming manner if he wasn't a vampire and there was no chance he'd drop it. But in this state, there was every chance he would, and Esme would be mad if she had to clean the damn house again. She may be a stand-in mom, but, man, that chick can punch hard. Note to self: Never try having breakfast in bed again.

'Em, Em, dude, come on, just…. Tryyyy it, please? It's fun!' he insisted.

Jazz, drunk.

That son of a bitch is just lucky Alice isn't here. Man, she'd lose it. I actually suppressed a shudder. She may be sweetness and light compared to Rose and Ed, but, Jesus, when she's angry… She'd never hurt him, though. Even I, one of the less talented Cullens can predict that.

Jazz was dancing around the stairs now, muttering the words of a song that Edward would have killed him over if he'd heard him

'…And all that JAZZ… hehehehe… my name's in the song… JAZZ HANDS!' he yelled, and began dancing around the room, moving so fast I almost didn't have time to swipe the bottle out of his flailing 'jazz' hand.

'Can vampires actually get drunk?' I said, tossing the bottle from hand to hand, examining the label.

'Dunno….' Jazz shrugged, slurring the word round his mouth.

I laughed, the laugh that Rose found so… so appealing, I guess. She sighs every time I laugh, in what I guess is her version of the giggling, hair-flicking thing that girls in school do. Jeez, they're all so damn innocent. And they only ever hair-flicked for Ed. I'm too big, and Jazz is too intimidating, I guess. Still, least it means Rose won't take a vendetta out on anyone. God bless the unlucky sons-of-bitches that crossed her last time.

I went to take a swig, then stopped.

'Where's Ed? Shouldn't he be here putting a downer on our already-pitiful lives?'

'Mmmm. Running, hunting, I dunno.' Jazz replied.

I lifted the bottle and took a huge swig, coughing as the disgusting, repulsive liquid flowed down the inside of my throat.


'Jazz…?' I asked ten minutes later, feeling giddy.

'Em, my man?' he slurred.

'Why did it take you so long to find out alcohol did this to us?' I demanded, roaring with laughter. If Carlisle could see us now… I laughed harder.

' RISIN UP, BACK ON THE STREET! DID MY TIME, TOOK MY CHANCES!' Jazz started to sing - if one could even go so far as to call it singing - as Eye of the Tiger blared from Ed's speakers. The guy has weird tastes, it has to be said. I joined in the chorus, jumping around the room as best as my fogged-up brain could allow me to. Two gulps of vodka and I was a goner. No wonder humans drink so much.

' IT'S THEEEE EYE OF THE TIGER, IT'S THE THEME OF THE FIGHT, RISIN' UUUUP! TO THE CHALLLLLENGE OF OUR RIIIVALS!' Jazz started into a drunken dance routine, jumping off the banisters on the stairs, causing little cracks to appear up and down the walls.


'WHAT UP, JAZZ??' I yelled back.


I laughed again 'WHY NOT? MORE VODKA?' I asked.

'SURE, DUDE, WHATEVER! HAHAHA, TAKE THAT, ED, FOR WEIRDO MOOD SWINGS!' Jazz leaped away up the stairs, the walls shaking as he bounded back down seconds later wearing one of Alice's stripy scarves and Ed's trademark sunglasses. It looked pretty damn good on the boy.

'I'm REAAADYYY!' He announced, sweeping into a bow.

'Lets get this goddamn show on the ROOOAAAD!' I slurred, already out the door. SING-A-LONG, here we come!

'Hey Jazz, can we hit a strip club on the way back?' I asked.

'I don't care. But it's YOUR fuuuuuneral if Rosalie finds out!' he warned.


Because Wraithlike can can can:
Courtesy of Courtz, FYI! 'Tis hilarious, true? Give it up for Courtney, folks, and review!