Summary: It's Halloween 1980, and the gang takes an ill-fated trip to a party that leads to some major revelations between Jackie and Hyde.
Disclaimer: I don't own That '70s Show or anything pertaining to it. If I did, it would have ended differently and I wouldn't have felt the need to write this.
She's the Devil
Part 1 of 2
Friday, October 31st, 1980
Point Place, Wisconsin
"What part of 'I don't want to participate in this conformist holiday by dressing up like a pansy and attending some lame college kid's party' don't you understand?" Hyde asked Eric and Donna, who had been attempting to persuade him to go to some lame-ass Halloween party for the past half hour.
"C'mon, Hyde, everyone's coming—"
"No, Donna, you and the Professor over there just go on without me," Hyde said, motioning towards Eric, who was dressed as the Professor from Gilligan's Island. He turned to Donna. "And as hot as you look as Ginger, you can't convince me to put on that thing on," he fervently told her, pointing to the costume she'd brought for him to wear.
She held up the bag she was holding. "But it's a pirate costume. Pirates are cool. They're into death and destruction. Don't you want to support death and destruction, Hyde?" Donna asked encouragingly.
Hyde raised an eyebrow. "That's the only costume they had at the store, wasn't it?"
"W-What? No…not at all…I picked this because it's cool and…uh…you're cool." She paused at his skeptic look. "Oh, alright, there wasn't much to choose from, but it wasn't the only costume there. I didn't think you'd want to be David Cassidy or Gilligan…"
"Of course not," Hyde scoffed. "If anyone should be Gilligan, it's Forman."
"Hey!" Eric cried in outrage. "Why should I be Gilligan? I think I look suave as the Professor."
"Forman, you're not cool enough to be the Professor, you're too twitchy," Hyde told his friend bluntly. Then he shook his head. "Look, none of this matters because I'm not going to the damn party."
"But the whole gang is going and it won't be the same without you," Donna complained. "Please, Hyde, I wanted us all to go out and have fun like we used to. Eric and I have missed everyone since we've been going to school at Madison. We came back this weekend especially for this."
Hyde groaned as he watched Donna make her best sad face. "You're not guilt-tripping me into this!" he insisted.
"Hyde, this means a lot to Donna," Eric reasoned. He then screwed up his face to what he apparently thought was a stern expression. "So suck it up and put the damn costume on before I make you."
Hyde was surprised by the authority in his unmanly friend's voice. "That Professor costume come with balls Forman?" he asked, leaning forward. "You know, I'd really like to see you try and make me."
Eric backed off with his hands in the air. "Look, man, the party might not be all bad…I mean, there'll be free booze. You like free booze, right?" he asked nervously, having lost his earlier confidence.
Hyde swore under his breath. "I don't want to dress up just so I can get into some lame party."
"It's not some lame party," Eric stated defensively. "There's also going to be a haunted mansion next door and lots of free candy…Okay, I'm not making a good case, am I?"
"Whatever, Forman," Hyde said dismissively. "Just count me out."
Donna put her hands on her hips and looked as if she was about to strike. Crap. That can't be good…
"So, you're refusing to go even though you know how important this is to me?" she questioned dangerously.
"Then you leave me no choice."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't you think Mrs. Forman would be interested in knowing what happened to her alcohol stash on the Fourth of July?"
Hyde narrowed his eyes. "You wouldn't…"
She gave him a smug look.
"Damnit," he muttered before roughly seizing the pirate costume from her and stomping back to his room to change.
5 minutes later…
"This is ridiculous. I look like I should be on the cover of a trashy romance novel," Hyde grumbled as he emerged from his room wearing the pirate costume, complete with a ruffled shirt and a large black hat with a feather sticking out of it.
Donna and Eric both seemed to be trying not to laugh.
"No, Hyde, that's not it. You look…roguishly handsome," Donna valiantly managed with a straight face.
Eric nodded his head with a bit too much enthusiasm. "Yeah, you look like a tough-guy pirate whose about to serve out some death and destruction. No one's going to mistake you for the cover of a romance novel..."
"HEY GUYS!" came the loud voice of Kelso as he entered through the basement door with Fez trailing behind him, putting a stop to Eric and Donna's attempt to soothe Hyde's costume woes.
"Donna! You look majorly HOT as Ginger!" exclaimed Kelso, who was dressed as Zorro. He stopped when he caught sight of Hyde. "Whoa, Hyde! What a costume!"
"Yeah," Fez broke in, "You remind me of the cover of the latest romance novel I'm reading."
Hyde stared at Fez.
"That's it! I'm not going!" he hollered and started off to his room.
Donna stepped in front of him, effectively blocking his way.
"Donna, get out of the way!"
She gave him a falsely cheerful look. "Sure, Hyde, I'd be glad to…and right afterwards I have something very important to tell Mrs. Forman."
Crap. "It's times like these I really wish I hit girls," he said bitterly before he turned back around to face Kelso and Fez.
"Fez, what the hell are you wearing, man?" he asked after taking a good look at his costume. "You look like the Chiquita Banana."
It was true. Fez had on a very ruffled-up dress, high-heels, and some strange flowery thing on his head.
"I am not the Chiquita Banana," Fez scoffed indignantly. "I am a flamenco dancer."
Hyde, Donna, and Eric all exchanged looks.
"Fez," Eric pronounced slowly. "You know that's a woman's costume, right?"
"Of course I know that," Fez said, waving Eric's concern aside. "But the store was all sold out of men's costumes. Fenton, that sonofabitch, bought the last David Cassidy outfit."
"See, Hyde? Being a pirate isn't that bad. You could have had it a lot worse," Donna told him, motioning towards Fez.
Hyde glared at her.
"Hey, what about me? Am I a major stud or what in this Zorro costume?" Kelso asked as he tried and failed to pull his sword from his belt. "What the hell…How come it won't come out…"
Hyde rolled his eyes as he watched his dim-witted friend struggle in vain to pull his sword out. "Who in their right mind thought it would be a good idea to sell Kelso a sword? He's just going to end up poking his eye out…"
"GOT IT!" Kelso cried, haphazardly pulling his sword out and poking Hyde's forearm in the process.
"Ow! Moron, watch where you point that thing!" he yelled before frogging Kelso on the arm and turning his Zorro mask to the side so it covered his eyes.
"Ow! Damn, Hyde, it was an accident!" Kelso yelled back, rubbing his arm. "Hey…How come I can't see anything? I'M BLIND!"
Eric sighed wearily. "I see tonight has gotten off to a wonderful start," he sarcastically commented.
"Yeah. Whose great idea was this again?" Hyde added with equal sarcasm. "Donna?"
Donna threw her hands up in exasperation. "The party sounded like a good idea when I heard about it!"
"Does that mean we can forget about the party?" Hyde asked hopefully.
"NO!" Donna barked, causing Hyde to take a step back. "We're all going to this party tonight if it's the last thing I do! I don't care if Kelso kills himself with his sword! We're ALL going!"
Man, that chick is scary when she wants to be…
"Guys! Doesn't anybody care that I'm BLIND?" Kelso whined, flailing about the room and dangerously pointing his sword about.
"Stop waving that sword around and come here you stupid sonofabitch," Fez ordered. "You're not blind, you just have to move the mask," he explained to Kelso as he did the job for him.
Kelso looked around in disbelief once his sight was returned to him. "Whoa! That's crazy! It's like one second I couldn't see and the next I could!"
Hyde put his hand on Kelso's shoulder and sighed. "Kelso, you're the King."
Eric rolled his eyes and began to fidget. "Can we leave now? I don't know about everyone else, but I don't want be killed by Kelso's sword and the longer we stay here that's looking like a real possibility…"
"Eric, I wouldn't kill you," Kelso said, swinging his sword in Eric's direction and narrowly missing his head. "I might accidentally stab you, but I definitely wouldn't kill you…"
"What about Jackie?" Hyde suddenly found himself asking. "Isn't she coming?"
Donna turned and gave him a shrewd look. "Yeah, she's coming. Why? Were you worried she wasn't?" she inquired with a smug expression.
Man, she was really getting on his nerves today. "Of course not," he retorted. "If anything, I was hoping she wouldn't come. It'd save me a headache from her piercing voice."
Donna folded her arms and gave him a look that clearly said she didn't believe him.
Eric appeared upset at the news Jackie would be joining them. "Crap. We have to wait for Jackie? We can't leave without her?" Donna gave him a look that answered his question. "Fine," he whined. "But you'd think she wouldn't want to hang out with three of her ex-boyfriends…"
Fez shot Eric a dirty look. "Eric! You bastard! Way to thrown my tragic relationship with Jackie in my face! You have no sensitivity!"
Eric looked at his foreign friend in surprise.
"Fez, she broke up with you in January after two weeks of dating. You should really be over it by now," Hyde pointed out. "The tragic part is that you barely had a relationship."
Fez switched his dirty look from Eric to Hyde. "Nobody asked for your bastard opinion. We all recover at our own pace," he snapped.
"Whatever," Hyde grumbled, giving up. He looked around the room. "Speaking of that shrilly ninety-five pound brunette, where the hell is she? Do you think she OD'd on hairspray?"
"She's the devil," Eric responded in a deadly serious voice. "She's probably off plotting some evil plan right now."
As if on cue, the basement door swung open, and in entered the one and only Jackie Burkhart wearing a red devil costume with shiny red horns and a long pitchfork to match.
"Hey, everyone!" she greeted cheerfully.
Hyde couldn't take his eyes off her. Damn, that little red devil dress was…badass.
"I TOLD YOU SHE'S THE DEVIL!" Eric shouted, pointing at her.
"Yeah, but she's one HOT devil!" Kelso whooped. "DAMN, JACKIE! How come you never looked this good when we were together?"
"Yes, Jackie, how come you didn't dress like that when we were together?" Fez asked. "In fact, why did you have to dump me only to torture me with the delicious sight of you in that outfit? You look better than candy…"
"Thanks guys," Jackie said, tossing her hair back and striking a pose. She grinned when Kelso and Fez practically melted from lust. She then turned her attention to Hyde, looking him up and down.
Eric looked around wildly. "Is no on paying attention to what's happening? She's THE DEVIL!"
Jackie scowled at him. "Shut up, Eric, or I'll beat you with my pitch fork!" she threatened.
Hyde smirked as Eric cowered from the petite girl but continued to mouth "She's the devil" silently. "See, Forman? This is why you aren't cool enough to be the Professor."
"Eric's supposed to be the Professor?" Jackie asked, making a face. She turned to Eric. "If anything, you should be Gilligan. You're both girly men who are easily frightened by loud noises."
Eric's jaw dropped. "I-I…That's ridiculous…I am not easily frightened—"
"She has a point, Forman," Hyde broke in, cutting off whatever feeble denial his friend was about to make.
Jackie smiled at him (to which Hyde winked).
Eric gave him an annoyed expression (to which Hyde grinned). "Is everyone ready to go to the party now?" Eric asked in a strained tone.
"Give me a minute," Hyde ordered. He retreated to his room before promptly coming back out. "Now I'm ready," he announced, grinning.
"You're going to wear your sunglasses with a pirate costume?" Donna asked, incredulous.
"Shut up, Donna! He's a Zen pirate," Jackie told her, earning an appreciative nod from Hyde.
"Whatever," Donna muttered, rolling her eyes.
"So are we hitting up this party, or what?" Kelso asked, twirling his sword above his head. "Cuz I'm feeling pretty foxy in this Zorro outfit and I want to show the chicks my fancy sword moves…Oops!" There was a loud crash! as Kelso lost his grip on the sword and it went flying across the room. "I'll…uh…just go get that…"
Everyone shook their heads as Kelso went to retrieve his fallen sword.
"Actually," Donna said as she looked at her watch, "despite all the crap that's gone on here tonight. We're running early. We don't need to leave for another half hour."
"What are we going to do?" Eric asked.
30 minutes later…
The entire gang was in circular formation sporting huge, cheesy grins…except for Jackie. Jackie was sitting in the circle with her make-up compact out and appeared to be very busy admiring herself in the mirror.
"Whoa! It's been forever since I've done a circle," Eric remarked in an awed voice. "I almost forgot what it was like…of course I never completely remember the circle once I'm out of the circle. It's strange…like I'm not thinking clearly, you know?" He paused. "Wait…what was I saying again?"
Donna was caught up observing her own hands. "I forgot how huge my hands are!" She then began moving her hands to and from her face. "Look! I can make them shrink and then get bigger! I should be in the Guinness Book of World Records!"
Kelso turned to look Donna up and down. "You know, Donna, you're looking pretty hot in that Ginger outfit. How would you feel about hooking up with Zorro? I could show you my sword…Aah!" Kelso went crashing to the floor after Donna covered his face with her hands and pushed him off his hair. "Donna, you gotta be careful with those huge hands!"
Fez was clutching a bag while looking guilty and throwing suspicious glances at the group. "I have no candy! There is no candy in the bag! I did not go trick or treating earlier! I have no idea what you're talking about!" Fez's paranoia seemed to increase. "I will not give you the bag! It's my EMPTY bag with NO candy!"
Hyde glanced at Fez. "You need to calm down, my foreign friend. Like me. I'm always calm. Nothing can shake me. Not even a damn pirate costume that looks like the cover of a romance novel. Nah. I'm calm. I'm a Zen pirate. Know why? It's the sunglasses. Soon as I put on the shades…everything's darker, man. It's amazing."
"Ahem" a number of the circle-dwellers coughed.
Jackie lazily looked up away from her compact. "Oh. Is it my turn?" She paused. "This is lame," she announced, causing some confused looks. "When you don't smoke it the circle, it's totally lame. You guys don't realize how stupid you all sound. I mean, what the hell are you all talking about? You don't make any sense. There's no way I ever sounded as stupid as you people! Really, it's embarrassing." She stopped for a second before adding, "And Fez, everybody knows you have candy in the bag…"
Stunned Silence ensued…
…followed by complete chaos.
"Eek! What are you doing? Stop throwing candy at me!"
"Devil begone! Spew your evil wrath elsewhere!"
"Boo! Get out of the circle!"
"You can stay in the circle if you strip! DAMN, you're HOT in that costume!"
"No! I agree with the devil! Stop throwing my candy at her!"
"No clear-headed thoughts allowed! I hereby banish you from the circle!"
Once Jackie exited amid numerous pieces of Fez's candy being thrown at her, the circle resumed.
Eric had a thoughtful expression. "See how peaceful it is without Jackie? It's like Darth Vader has left. The evil has lifted! Man, I'm telling you, she's the devil—"
"MORONS! JUST BECAUSE I LEFT THE CIRCLE DOESN'T MEAN I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" came Jackie's distinctive, shrill voice from the other side of the room.
Hyde put his head in his hands. "Man, I think I'm getting that headache now."
"AND I SUGGEST YOU MOVE YOUR LAZY BUTTS! IT'S TIME TO GO!"
All the circle members groaned in protest.
"I SAID MOVE IT! DO I HAVE TO GET MY PITCHFORK?"
Their lazy butts were gone directly…
1 hour later…
Somewhere Between Point Place and Kenosha
"Someone please explain to me again how Jackie ended up driving Kelso's van?" Eric asked.
"I already told you, Eric," Donna sighed. "Because she's the only one of us who didn't participate in the circle…at least not the way you're supposed to participate in the circle."
"Yeah, well, even in our more mellow state, I think any of us are more capable of driving than Jackie," Eric argued. "I mean, is she trying to hit every pothole from Point Place to Kenosha? Seriously, her driving skills are slim to…Hey!" Eric cried out when Jackie swerved the van erratically. "See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! I was almost propelled into Kelso's sword!"
"Sorry, Eric," Jackie said, not sounding sorry at all, "but maybe you should consider NOT talking about me when I'm driving!"
Hyde looked at his friend, who was about to open that big, girlish mouth of his, and frogged him on the shoulder.
"Ow! What the hell?"
"Forman, it'd be best for all of us if you keep your trap shut," he advised him. "If you keep pissing Jackie off, you're likely to get us all killed. So just chill and let her concentrate."
Hyde turned away, but Eric seemed to have the inability to do what he was told and keep his trap shut. "You're siding with the devil? How could you? She's the…Holy crap! Are you trying to tip over the van?" Jackie had swerved the van in a very dangerous fashion.
"Forman! What did I tell you? If we all die at the hands of a pissed-off former cheerleader, it'll be your fault!" Hyde seethed. "Now sit down and shut the hell up!"
"Whoa! Hyde's getting feisty!" Kelso exclaimed excitedly. "Let me know if there's going to be a fight! I have my sword right here…Ow!" Kelso was prevented from recklessly pulling out his sword when Hyde frogged him (yet again) on the arm.
Hyde was not in the mood to be trifled with. "Leave that sword right where it is! And you can sit down and shut the hell up too!" He looked around the van. "All of you sit down and shut the hell up!"
"What did I do?" asked an indignant Fez.
Hyde turned to look at Fez and slid his sunglasses down so he could look him in the eye. "Fez? What did I just say?" he asked in a tone of warning.
Fez opened his mouth but promptly realized his mistake and quickly shut it. Scowling at Hyde, he began silently eating out of his bag of candy.
Satisfied, Hyde pushed his glasses back up and leaned back in his seat. The van had gone completely silent after his outburst. He chanced a glance towards Jackie.
Jackie quickly caught his eye in the rearview mirror and gave him a small, grateful smile. He nodded his head slightly in recognition.
"OH, HELL NO!" shouted an alarmed Eric, having noticed the exchange. Eric motioned wildly between Hyde and Jackie. "Something's going on between the two of you!"
"What?" both Hyde and Jackie responded at the same time, causing each to give the other a quick, searching look.
Eric caught the look. "See? Now I know something's going on between the two of you! I should have known! Hyde was defending you! What happened when I went away to Madison? You two were at each other's throats when I left!"
Hyde looked at his accusatory friend. "Forman, just because you're in the Professor costume doesn't mean you have the brains to back it up. You don't know what the hell you're talking about."
"Yeah, I told you that you should have been Gilligan. He was the clueless one," Jackie added from behind the wheel.
"Now you two are TEAMING UP together!" Eric cried. "You two are back together, aren't you?" he accused.
Fez, who had been absorbed with his candy for most of the exchange, was suddenly alert. "You two are back together? Jackie, how could you move on so soon after we broke up?" he asked with a hurt expression.
Jackie looked a bit bewildered. "Fez, we broke up over nine months ago. Plus, we barely dated," she said bluntly.
He huffed at her. "Fine! Be that way! Deny what we had! Go running back to the arms of Hyde! I'll eat my candy!"
"Hey, Jackie," Kelso chimed in, "If you and Hyde are back together, does that mean you won't be doing it with me? Because you are looking HOT in that costume and I was thinking we could do it in the haunted mansion—"
"Eew, Michael. I know I'm super hot, but I am NOT going to do it with you," she told him, sounding positively disgusted with the idea. "And for the record ERIC," she said, glaring at the Professor-wannabe's reflection in the rearview mirror, "Steven and I are not back together."
Hyde turned to look at Eric. "There, Forman. Are you happy now? She confirmed it. We're not back together."
Eric gave him a suspicious look. "I don't know. Jackie is the devil. She's been known to lie before—"
"OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Donna bellowed, interrupting her boyfriend. She'd been silent throughout her friends' idiotic exchange but now appeared well past annoyed. "Who cares whether they're together or not? It's their business! If they are back together, then good for them. As long as they don't start going at it right in front of me, I don't care."
Everyone reflected surprise at Donna's outburst.
"Thanks, Donna," Jackie said in barely above a whisper. Donna smiled in return.
"Wait, wait, wait," Eric repeated, spreading his hands out in front of him. "Let me get this straight. You don't care if they get back together? But she's breaking up the rhythm of the group! She keeps bouncing from one group member to another! The madness has to stop. I'm surprised she hasn't gone after me yet…Hey! Don't start that again!" He had been propelled forward by one of Jackie's risky swerves.
"As if I would ever date you," Jackie spat. "You're Gilligan masquerading as the Professor. I'm way too pretty to even consider you as a viable option. As a matter of fact, Donna is too good for you. She's Ginger…in a lumberjack-y way. Gilligan could never get Ginger."
"But Gilligan does have Ginger…No, wait…I'm the Professor…the Professor has Donna…I mean, Ginger…" Eric sputtered. Giving up on up the costume-analogy altogether, "What I'm trying to say is I have Donna."
"Yeah, but does that mean you deserve her? Does Gilligan really deserve Ginger?"
Hyde noticed the dangerous gleam in Jackie's eyes and the building anger in Eric's face.
"Forman, I think you should let it go," Hyde counseled.
Donna nodded in agreement. "Yeah, Eric, you're the Professor to me. Forget about it."
Eric did not heed the warnings. "At least I have Donna. What do you have? Three failed relationships and a devil costume. That devil costume's really perfect for you. It shows everyone just what you…Stop swerving the car while I'm talking!"
Jackie sharply turned the wheel back. "You don't like my costume, Eric? I guess I should have worn a wedding dress. I know that would scare you away! You could run all the way back to Africa like you did with Donna!"
"Burrrrrrrnnnnn!" Kelso roared, clearly not picking up on the heavy tension.
Eric ignored him. "Gee, Jackie, that'd work great in theory, but I'm not the one afraid of you in a wedding dress. Aren't you afraid you'll send Hyde running off to Vegas to marry another stripper?"
"Burrrrrrrnnnnn!" Kelso roared again, right before…
"HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! TURN THE WHEEL BACK!"
This time it wasn't only Eric who reacted to Jackie's reckless driving as they were tossed about the van…
"Oh my God! The van's gonna tip over!"
"I'm too good-looking to die!"
"I'm too young to die! I didn't even get to finish my box of candy!"
"This is what happens when you piss off former cheerleaders!"
The van was dangerously close to tipping over, but Jackie threw her whole body onto the wheel and managed to right the van at the last possible second. A second after that, Jackie was pretending as if the whole near-death experience never happened.
"Sorry, sharp turn!" Jackie called back, nonchalantly flipping her hair as she continued driving.
The rest of the van passengers weren't so at ease…
"I love you, Donna. This near-death experience made me realize more than ever I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"
"I love you too, Eric, but you need to stop being an ass!"
"I knew I was too good-looking to die!"
"My candy is safe!"
Hyde sat in silence, his eyes toward Jackie. Leaning forward, "Hey, Jacks, are you alright?" he whispered.
"I'm fine," she replied, her voice shaking slightly.
"Do you want me to take over the wheel?"
"I said I'm fine," she repeated more firmly.
Hyde shrugged and leaned back in his seat, still watching her.
"Ahem," Eric coughed, clearing his throat.
"Forman, I really think this is a bad time—"
"It's alright," Donna assured. "It won't be life-threatening this time."
"Ahem," Eric nervously coughed again.
Jackie glanced at him in the rearview mirror. "Eric, did your pride get caught in the back of your throat when you swallowed it, or do you have something to say?'
"I have something to say." He paused, looking uncomfortable. Jackie gave him an impatient scowl. "I-I wanted to say I'm sorry. After having a brief discussion here with Donna where she told me I was being an ass, I realized I may have indeed been an ass. What happens between you and Hyde is none of my business. I don't even want to think about what happens between you and Hyde…Oh no…Too late…I'm thinking about it now—"
"ERIC!" Jackie hollered, putting an end to Eric's traitorous thoughts. Eric looked at her nervously. She smiled. "Don't worry about it, Eric. I know you're socially-challenged, and I forgive you for it. Besides, the whole thing was way stupid. I look too pretty in a wedding dress to make anyone really run away."
"You're not as hot as you look in that devil outfit though!" Kelso interjected. "Have I mentioned how HOT you look?"
Jackie rolled her eyes. "Yes, Michael."
"So, do you want to do it?"
"What about with me? Do you want to do it with me?"
"What? Fez! No!"
"I hate to follow after them—"
"Forman! You're not asking Jackie—"
"No! Hyde! Of course not!" Eric cried, looking horrified at the very idea.
"Then what is it?" Hyde questioned, sounding slightly suspicious.
"I just wanted to make sure everything is alright with Jackie…"
"Yeah, Eric. Everything's alright," Jackie answered.
"So, there's really nothing going on between the two of you?" Eric asked. He threw up his hands as the rest of the van passengers glared at him. "Just curious! I'm not going to pass judgment. I just want to know. Is there really nothing between you guys?"
Hyde glanced toward Jackie to see her reaction, but she continued to stare straight ahead. "Nah, man, there's nothing between us."
"Alright, I won't bring this up…What the hell? I didn't say anything bad about you this time!" Eric reacted as the car was brought to a sudden halt.
Jackie rolled her eyes. "We made it to the party."
"Thank God! I was beginning to think we'd never make it!" Eric cried in relief. He then realized he'd spoken out loud. "I mean…C'mon, Donna, let's exit the van…" Donna shrugged and followed him out.
Fez gathered up his flamenco dress and made to exit the van as well. "I'm following…just let me grab my candy…"
"I'm right behind you!" Kelso called.
"Ow! Watch where you point your sword you sonofabitch!"
Hyde watched as the uncoordinated Zorro and Chiquita Banana knock-off exited the van. "Jackie, you coming?"
"Yeah, you go ahead. I'm just going to fix my make-up," she said, pulling out her compact.
Hyde observed her through his shades. "Is something wrong?"
"No. Nothing's wrong. Nothing at all," she answered, pronouncing the words with venom.
Hyde decided it would be in his best interest to hastily exit the van.
5 minutes later…
Outside the Haunted Mansion
"So are we sure we want to go into the haunted mansion? Why don't we skip it and go straight to the party?" a nervous Eric asked as the gang stood outside the entrance of the haunted mansion.
"What's the matter, Gilligan? Are you scared?" Hyde goaded. He motioned towards Donna. "Don't worry. Ginger here will protect you."
"I'm not scared," Eric protested, "and I'm not Gilligan. I'm the Professor. How many times do we have to go over this?" Eric looked hesitantly toward the house. "I-It just doesn't look like fun..."
Donna shook her head at her boyfriend. "Look, we're going in the haunted mansion. I dragged everyone's butts here so we could all do something together, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you weasel out of this because you're scared!"
"I'm not scared."
"No worries, Eric," Kelso spoke with confidence as he clumsily drew his sword, "I'll protect you!" He swiped his sword around with no precision whatsoever, causing his friends to take turns ducking.
Fez clutched his candy protectively to his chest. "Kelso, why can't you keep your sword in your pants?"
Kelso turned to answer his foreign friend (almost stabbing him in the process). "You know, some chick said the exact same thing to me the other day! And that was before I even had a sword! Can you believe…Ow! Hyde! What'd you hit me for?"
Hyde took advantage of Kelso's current inability to raise his arm and grabbed the sword from him. "Forman's more likely to need protection from you if you keep swinging this thing around! I'll give this back, but you have to put it away or I'll take it from you for good!" Against his better judgment, he handed Kelso back the sword.
"Damn, Hyde. You're no fun," Kelso grumbled, putting his sword away.
Fez resumed eating his candy following Kelso's attack. "Now that Hyde has valiantly saved us from Kelso's pointy object, can we go in the haunted mansion now?"
Ignoring the gross double-entendre of Fez's statement, Hyde looked around. "We can't. Jackie's not here."
"Jackie's not here!" Eric reiterated with far too much enthusiasm. "I mean…Jackie's not here. That's too bad," he said, trying (and failing) to sound disappointed. "Perhaps we should forget the haunted mansion. We can't go in without Jackie—"
"Hey, everyone!" came Jackie's pitchy voice as she sashayed into view with her devil horns and pitchfork.
"Damn," Eric muttered.
"Sorry to make you wait. I got caught up staring at myself in the mirror. I'm amazed at my own beauty sometimes." She paused to flip her hair back in dramatic fashion. "Anyway, are we entering the haunted mansion, or what? The sooner we enter the sooner we can get it over with."
Donna threw up her hands. "Isn't anybody excited about this besides me?"
Eric put his arm around Donna's shoulders. "Donna, I'm excited about anything you're excited about."
"Liar," Hyde coughed.
"I don't like haunted houses," Jackie flippantly told her. "They're all dark so no one can see me. How are people supposed to admire my outfit if they can't see me? Plus, all these ugly people jump out at you."
"I was excited until Hyde made me put away my sword," Kelso pouted.
Hyde noticed Donna was looking at him. "Hey, I'm just here for the free booze when we hit the party later."
"I'm excited, Donna," Fez asserted as he dug down in his candy bag. "I've never been in a haunted mansion before. We don't have those in my country…HEY! THAT'S MY CANDY YOU SONOFABITCH!"
Everyone stood open-mouthed after some little kid whizzed by, grabbed Fez's candy bag, and took off.
Fez wasted no time before he picked up his ruffled skirt and ran after the kid in his high-heels. "DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET AWAY YOU LITTLE CANDY-STEALING BASTARD!"
Stunned silence overtook the group.
Eric pointed after Fez's retreating form. "Did you all see what I saw?"
"Yeah, Fez can run really fast in high-heels," Donna commented.
Jackie looked disinterestedly at her nails. "He practices," she informed them.
Eric turned to her. "Seriously?"
"Do you guys think we should go after him?" Donna asked, concerned.
Hyde shook his head decisively. "Nah, this is Fez's battle. Let the man take care of his own candy matters. Besides, I don't want to get involved in any altercations involving candy, a little kid, and a man in frilly dress. That's not how I roll."
"You know, I could have stopped that kid if you hadn't made me put my sword away, Hyde," Kelso bitterly complained. Jackie poked him with her pitchfork. "Ow! Jackie! What was that for?"
"Shut up, Michael," Jackie commanded, taking charge of the situation. She turned to the group and pointed her pitchfork at them threateningly. "Let's get a move on! We've been out here so long my hair's starting to go flat!" She then marched her petite self through the door to the haunted mansion.
Hyde shrugged. "You heard the woman," he said, following after her.
The gang soon assembled themselves in the entrance hall.
"It's not too late to turn back—"
"Eric, we're not turning back," Donna snapped. "Though I do feel bad about Fez…"
"Trust me, Donna, Fez will be fine," Jackie told the larger girl in an attempt to comfort her. "He can handle himself…especially when it comes to candy. An old lady at the beauty salon once stole a piece of his candy and he almost strangled her with the hair dryer cord."
Donna didn't seem to know how to respond but was saved from trying when a tall, good-looking man with blonde hair approached the gang. "Hey, Jackie," the man greeted. He looked her up and down. "Great devil costume."
Jackie's whole face lit up. "Thanks, Jason. I love your Romeo outfit," she beamed with a girlish giggle. "Can I talk to you in private?" she asked, grabbing his arm and dragging him off before he could answer.
Donna stared after her friend. "That's so rude. She didn't even introduce us."
"Donna, it's Jackie. Did you forget? She is rude," Eric told his girlfriend.
Hyde crossed his arms, suddenly annoyed. "I don't see why she had to go talk to Romeo in private."
Donna looked at him with interest. "Hyde, if I didn't know better I'd say you were jealous," she teased.
Hyde uncrossed and re-crossed his arms. "I'm not jealous."
Donna suddenly got an annoyingly gleeful look on her face. "Oh my God! You're totally jealous!"
"I am not."
"You so are."
"I am not."
Donna mimicked him and folded her arms. "Then how come you're watching her?" she asked shrewdly.
Hyde immediately turned his head away from the nauseating sight of Jacking chatting away with that pretty boy.
Donna smiled knowingly. "You love her. You can't take your eyes off her," she mocked in a sing-song voice.
"Can it, Ginger. Go bother Gilligan."
"I'm the Professor," Eric corrected.
"Hyde, I don't blame you if you want to get back together with Jackie," Kelso told him, interjecting his half a brain into the conversation. "After seeing her in that devil costume, I want to get back together with her too."
Hyde narrowed his eyes. "You do?"
"Yeah. She's HOT. Like WAY HOT. I mean, I don't want to date her. I just want to do it with her…Ow! Hyde! You hit me! Again!"
Hyde scowled. "Let's not talk about Jackie."
"Good idea," Eric agreed. "If we don't talk about the devil, we can pretend she doesn't exist—"
"Hyde, if you want to be with Jackie, then be with Jackie," Donna butt in.
Hyde cocked his head to the side with interest.
"I know you guys have been hanging out since Eric and I left," she continued, "and judging from what I've seen, you guys still feel something for each other—"
"And just what exactly are they feeling?" Kelso asked. "I wouldn't mind feeling something on Jackie…Ow! Donna! How come everybody keeps hitting me today?"
Donna carried on despite the disruption. "As I was saying, I think you guys still feel something for each other. Maybe you should do something about it—"
"He should run. Run as fast as he can away from the devil—"
"SHUT UP, ERIC!" Donna yelled. "Everybody stop interrupting me!" She took a deep breath. "I was thinking more along the line of talking to Jackie. See how she feels. What do you think?"
He uncrossed his arms and sighed. "Donna, I think you're butting into something that is none of your damn business. Didn't I say let's not talk about Jackie anymore?"
"WHAT'S EVERBODY TALKING ABOUT?" came Jackie's loud voice from behind them.
Eric, Donna, Kelso, and Hyde all jumped in surprise.
Jackie examined them shrewdly. "You were talking about me, weren't you?" She smiled and started bouncing up and down. "Oh! I love it when people talk about me! I hope you were talking about how pretty I am and how great I look in this outfit!"
Kelso swaggered up to Jackie and put his arm around her shoulder. "You're right, Jackie. I was talking about how great you look in that outfit. So, what'd you say we go do it in one of these dark rooms?" Jackie responded by hitting his arm away with her pitchfork. "Ow! Fine! I'll just go find a dark room myself then!"
Donna made a face. "Eew. I so didn't need that image in my head."
"So, Jackie," Hyde said in a would-be casual voice, "What were you chatting about with Romeo over there?"
She steadily fixed her mismatched eyes on him. "Nothing," she answered, full of meaning.
"How do you know that guy anyway?" Donna asked. "You just walked off without introducing us," she added in a disapproving tone.
Jackie turned from Hyde to answer. "He's the son of one of my Dad's old associates. We had private matters to discuss…" She shifted uncomfortably. "I think it's about time we explore this place and see how lame it is," she abruptly announced, starting off down a dark hallway before turning back. "Aren't you guys coming?" she asked, brandishing about her shiny red pitchfork.
Eric seemed apprehensive to follow. "Following the devil down a dark hallway…Why does this seem like a bad idea?"
"Forman, you could never be the Professor," Hyde deadpanned before he followed the devil's path…
20 minutes later…
Inside the Haunted Mansion
"Eric, would you quit squeezing my hand so tight? You're cutting off my circulation," Donna groaned.
"He can't help it, Donna. Gilligan here needs Ginger to protect him from the evils of the haunted mansion," Hyde snidely remarked.
"I'm not scared," Eric stated. "I have an overly manly grip. I don't know my own strength. Besides, I'm the Professor!"
"You're not the Professor. You screamed like a girl when that zombie chick jumped out at you."
Eric took on a defensive stance. "I did not scream like a girl. I simply gasped in surprise."
"Forman, you screamed like a girl and then hid behind Donna."
Donna shook her head and turned to Hyde. "You know, I resent the expression 'screamed like a girl.' It makes women sound like the weaker sex. I mean, you didn't hear me yell 'Oh my God! I'm going to die!' when that guy with a chainsaw came at me like Eric did."
"Donna!" Eric cried.
Hyde ignored his friend's protests to the contrary. "What would you say he sounded like then?"
Donna paused in thought. "Damn. You're right. He sounds like a girl," she finally admitted.
"Donna!" Eric cried again.
She shrugged half-heartedly. "Sorry, Eric."
Eric squirmed in upset. "In my defense, that zombie woman was quite frightening—"
"Dude, she was HOT!" Kelso bellowed. "That zombie outfit was skin-tight. I'd love to do it with her!"
"We know, Michael," Jackie said, sounding irritated. "We were there when you grabbed her butt and asked her if she wanted to go somewhere and do it."
"Yeah, she was totally into me!"
"No, she wasn't!" Donna barked. "She slapped you and told you to keep your sword in your pants!"
"Like I said, she was totally into me!"
Donna put her head in her hand.
"How big is this damn house? And where are the rooms? It feels like we've been wandering forever," Jackie complained.
"Yeah, it does seem like this house is solely composed of dark hallways…and frightening zombie women," Eric commented.
"You mean HOT zombie women," Kelso corrected.
"Speaking of dark, Hyde, how the hell can you see anything with those sunglasses on?" Donna asked, focusing on him with an inquisitive expression.
"My night-vision is superior to that of a normal person," he boasted. "It comes from years of non-stop sunglass wearing…Ow! Where did that come from?"
Kelso turned around. "Hyde, man, what are you doing behind me?"
Donna folded her arms and took on a complacent expression. "You walked into Kelso's sword, didn't you?"
"Of course not," he denied, inconspicuously clutching his side.
"Oh, for the love of ABBA, take those damn sunglasses off, Steven," Jackie commanded. She didn't wait for him to obey, however, and instead walked up to him and speedily ripped them off his face.
"Hey! Give those back, sunglass-thief! I loathe ABBA!"
"No!" she cried, dodging his attempts to swipe his sunglasses back. "I'm not letting you wear them in the dark! If you want them back you have to get them here." She quickly stuffed the sunglasses down her cleavage.
Hyde froze. "Don't think I won't go down there," he warned, carefully observing the area where his sunglasses hid.
"I'LL GO DOWN THERE!" Kelso volunteered, raising his hand in the air. Hyde frogged him on the arm. "Ow! I was kidding…"
Hyde glowered angrily at Kelso. "You'll stay away from there," he ordered. He turned back to Jackie and pointed at her. "I'll deal with you later," he insisted.
Jackie smirked. "Okay, Steven, if you can handle me later…Excuse me, who are you?" She scowled at the zombie woman who had jumped out in front of her and was making all sorts of hideous faces. "Couldn't you see I was BUSY talking? Get out of my face! Your make-up is terrible! Go on! SHOO!" Jackie smiled as the zombie woman retreated amid her yelling.
Hyde nodded his head in approval. "See, Forman, Jackie didn't scream like a girl when…Forman, are you cowering from the zombie woman?"
Eric had pressed himself up against the wall. "Man, I think that's the same zombie woman from earlier."
"The HOT one?" questioned Kelso, looking wildly around. "Where'd she go?"
Jackie looked thoughtful. "You know, she might be attractive if her make-up wasn't so terrible. She looked like the living dead!"
Donna looked at the smaller girl in confusion. "Jackie, she's a zombie. She's supposed to look like the living dead."
"Whatever," Jackie said dismissively. "That's no excuse. I'll be right back. I'm going to go talk to her about her make-up routine…"
"Jackie!" Donna called out after her.
Hyde watched Jackie prance away with an annoyed expression. "She better come back. She has my sunglasses."
10 minutes later…
"Do you guys think Jackie's alright?" Donna worriedly asked.
"Of course. She's the devil. She can spew her hellfire at any of the other evildoers that come her way," Eric replied.
"Maybe she's getting it on with the zombie chick," Kelso mused. He paused. "Man! I knew I should have gone with Jackie!"
"You guys are not helping!" Donna cried.
Hyde stared straight ahead at the wall. "I'll go look for her if she's doesn't come back in the next few minutes."
"You guys are overreacting," Eric said. "Jackie has a knack for popping up when she's least wanted. Usually when I'm calling her the devil. I think it's because of her devil powers—"
"I'm back!" Jackie announced, rounding the corner of the dark hallway.
"See! I told you!"
Jackie gave Eric a weird look. "Sorry I took so long. That girl knew even less about make-up than Donna—"
"So you left us here waiting for you while you chit-chatted with zombie girl about makeup techniques?" Hyde asked disdainfully. "Jackie, how inconsiderate can you be?"
She put on a faux-concerned expression. "Aww, Steven, were you worried about me?" she asked sarcastically.
He was silent.
She gasped in surprise. "Aww, Steven, you were worried about me!"
He looked away. "I wasn't worried about you. I was worried about my sunglasses." He stole a quick glance at her. She was smiling like a loon. Damn.
"Whatever, Steven," she said sweetly. She turned her attention to the rest of the group. "Anyway, before Steven declared that he was worried about me—"
"I didn't declare anything!"
"—I was about to say I found an actual room. We should check it out. I'm tired of hanging around in dark hallways." She paused. "Why are you guys still standing there? Move those lazy butts!"
They stared at her, seemingly unaffected.
"I have a pitchfork, and I'm not afraid to use it!"
Their lazy butts were gone directly…
"This room is kind of creepy," Donna commented once they entered the dimly lit room.
Eric grimaced as he looked about the room. "Yeah, what's with all the torture devices?"
"I think it's kinky!" Kelso exclaimed.
Jackie threw him a disgusted look. "How is a guillotine kinky, Michael?"
Kelso had a puzzled expression. "Gill-a-what? What's that? Are you making things up?" He looked where Jackie pointed. "Oh, that! Hey! It's like a table! We can do it there! Jackie, you want to do it with me?"
"NO, MICHAEL! I DON'T WANT TO DO IT WITH YOU!" Jackie yelled right before the room went pitch black.
Kelso cackled hysterically. "Hyde, did you move my blindfold again?" Silence. "Oh my God! Moving the blindfold didn't work! I'M BLIND! I'M REALLY BLIND!"
"SHUT UP, YOU MORON!" Hyde shouted into the darkness. "Stop panicking. The lights went out. None of us can see."
"What happened to the lights?" squealed a panic-ridden Eric. "That zombie woman is probably gonna come back and kill us all!"
"Calm down, man, you're getting as bad as Kelso. The power went out. It'll probably be back on any second now…"
"Donna? Can you hold my hand?" Eric asked feebly.
"Don't worry, I'm here Eric," Donna assured.
"God, you two are such an embarrassing couple," Jackie groaned.
"No kidding," Hyde agreed.
"At least we're not a creepy and unnatural couple like you two were!" Eric argued.
"Forman, at least I was the man in my in my creepy and unnatural relationship," Hyde shot back.
"That's right. Steven was the man in our relationship. He's bigger and stronger than I am," Jackie vehemently added. "Unlike you and that lumberjack, who could snap you like a twig."
"Donna could not snap me like a twig," Eric protested.
"Whatever you say, Gilligan," Hyde scoffed in disbelief.
"Hey! I may look scrawny but—"
"I have an idea!" Donna interrupted in a falsely cheerful voice. "Why don't we all SHUT THE HELL UP and wait for the lights to come back on?"
"Better listen to her Forman or she'll snap you like a twig—"
"Michael! Get your hand off my butt!" Jackie screeched.
"Kelso! Get your hand off her butt!" Hyde yelled.
"How'd you know it was me?" asked a grumpy sounding Kelso.
"Just stay away from me, Michael," an exasperated Jackie requested.
"Fine!" Kelso huffed. "This is no fun. What good is a dark room if I can't cop a feel…AAAAAHHHHHHHH!"
"Kelso, you there man?" Hyde chimed in.
"Kelso, this isn't funny…" Eric trailed off.
"We should probably feel around for him," Donna suggested. "You know, in case he knocked himself out or something…"
After stumbling around in the dark for several minutes, they all came to the same conclusion…
"HOLY CRAP! KELSO IS GONE!"
"Relax, Forman, I'm sure there is a perfectly good explanation of why Kelso isn't here," Hyde stated.
"Which is?" Donna inquired.
"I have no idea," he candidly admitted. "I haven't had time to think up any conspiracy theories yet…"
"See what happens when you go in a haunted mansion?" Eric piped up in an accusatory tone. "You people just had to come in here. And now look what happened! Kelso's gone missing!"
"We should probably start searching for him," Donna remarked.
"Don't bother looking for that moron. It'll just be a waste of time," Jackie tactlessly advised.
"Jackie!" Donna scolded. "Aren't you worried about Kelso at all?"
"Not really," Jackie frankly admitted. She sighed loudly. "Look, Michael gets lost a lot, but he always comes back. He's like a dog."
"She has a point," Hyde acknowledged. "This one time I left Kelso in Duluth after he wandered off in search of ice cream. It took him a week, but he still managed to find his way back to Point Place."
"You left Kelso in Duluth? What were you even doing in Duluth?" Donna asked in surprise.
"We went to the zoo," he reluctantly admitted. There was an awkward pause. "You'd be surprised how much fun the zoo can be after a circle—"
"Never mind," Donna cut off. "I guess we should wait here for Kelso to come back…"
15 minutes later…
"Yeah, Kelso's not coming back," Hyde stated bluntly.
"Let's start searching the building for him," Donna declared.
"You go ahead, Donna," Jackie told her. "I'd prefer not to risk getting groped by Michael in the dark."
"I say we forget about Kelso and this stupid mansion and head straight for the party where we can hit the free booze," suggested Hyde.
"What is wrong with you two?" asked an appalled Donna. "Kelso's our friend. What if something bad happens to him? We need to go look for him."
Jackie and Hyde both grumbled their dissent.
"I can't believe you two!" cried Donna. "This isn't optional! We're going to look for Kelso NOW!"
"But it's awfully dark without the lights, Donna," Eric squeaked. "What if we disappear too?"
"Eric, if you want to prove you're the Professor, get off your panicky butt and help us search for Kelso!"
10 minutes later…
"Forman, what are you squealing about this time?" asked an agitated Hyde.
"Someone touched my neck! Someone is after me I tell you!"
"Eric, there's nobody here but us," Donna assured him.
"Yeah, and nobody here wants to touch you," scoffed Jackie.
"Maybe it's a ghost!" Eric suggested in alarm. "Donna, I'm telling you…Eeeeek! There it is again!"
"Quit whining like a baby!" Jackie hollered. "It's bad enough we're stuck searching for Michael in the dark where no one can see how cute I am!"
"Easy for you to say! You're not the one being accosted by some other worldly being…Eeek!"
"Forman, if you're going to keep shrieking like a girl, you should leave," Hyde told him.
"I would, but I have no idea where the exit is in this death trap…"
"There's an exit around the next corner," Jackie notified him.
"Eric's not leaving," Donna strongly emphasized. "We're all going to stick together until we find Kelso—"
"EEEEEEEEEK! SOMETHING POKED MY BUTT!" Eric cried. "I'm sorry, Donna! I can't stay here anymore!"
"Eric, you can't go…" She trailed off at the sound of Eric's terrified footsteps running down the hall. "I can't believe that bastard left!"
"Donna, I don't know why you're constantly surprised that Forman's a wuss," Hyde commented.
"Ugh! Now I have to go find him!" Donna complained. "You two wait here! I'll be right back!" Donna's footsteps were then heard trailing down the hall as she bellowed, "ERIC FORMAN! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS! THEY WERE RIGHT! YOU ARE GILLIGAN!"
"Burn!" Hyde chuckled.
"Our friends are idiots, Steven," Jackie stated matter-of-factly.
"No arguments here."
All their idiotic friends now gone, Hyde was left standing in a dark hallway with Jackie…for about two seconds, after which the lights came back on. Hyde then found himself standing in a dim hallway staring at Jackie in her incredibly hot devil costume.
"Steven, what are you looking at?"
"Nothing," he said quickly, averting his gaze from her devilish form. A question then came to him. "Jackie, is there really an exit around the corner like you told Forman?"
She shrugged. "I have no idea. He was annoying me. I said that so he would go away."
He smiled in approval. "Nice."
She winked. "So…" she said with a sinister look in her eyes, "do you want to wait for Donna like she asked?"
"Where are you going with this? You want to skip out on Eric and Donna and do our own thing?" He grinned at her nod. "I like the way you think…"
20 minutes later…
"God, this haunted mansion is so much more fun without our loser friends," Jackie asserted. She pointed ahead. "Hey, let's see what's through that door!"
"I know, the severed head trick that guy with the chainsaw did was pretty badass. Forman would have run screaming if he hadn't already done so earlier," Hyde furthered as he opened the door in front of him. "Watch your step, Jackie, it looks like this leads to the basement."
"Yeah, Eric was pathetic. I don't know what that lumberjack sees in him," she continued as she closed the door and followed him down the basement stairs. "I think we should go find cooler friends…Eew! What's that ugly thing over there supposed to be?"
Hyde followed her line of sight. "I think that's supposed to be the spinning head chick from The Exorcist."
She scrunched up her face with distaste. "I wouldn't know. I never saw that movie." She went over to examine the mannequin-like representation. "Man, she's really ugly. Was she that ugly in the movie?"
"Jackie, what are you talking about? You saw that movie with me."
She frowned. "I did?"
"Yeah." He took note of her baffled expression. "Don't you remember? You didn't want to watch it at first. I had to promise to take you to the mall."
A look of comprehension crossed her face. "That explains it then."
She smiled mischievously. "Steven, how closely did we watch the movie?"
"What do you mean…" The same look of comprehension crossed his face. He grinned. "Yeah, we didn't really end up paying much attention…Come to think of it, we never paid much attention to the movies we went to."
"Well, duh." She folded her arms. "Do you think I wanted to watch all those stupid horror movies you dragged me to? So I didn't watch them…"
He raised an eyebrow questioningly at her. "Meaning you distracted me by jumping me every time we went to go see a movie you didn't like?"
She nodded. "Pretty much."
He stared at her in fascination. "Jackie, that's so evil of you."
"Hey! If I'm evil, you're evil," she heatedly defended. "Don't think I didn't notice you did the same thing. I had to drag Donna to the movies so I could watch A Star is Born again."
"I never said I wasn't evil," he boasted.
"Whatever," she huffed. "We should finish looking around the basement." She walked to the middle of the room where two closed coffins stood. "These look like real coffins."
Hyde went to join her. "Well, let's see what's inside, shall we?" He opened the lid to one of the coffins. Inside was an impressively real-looking skeleton dressed in a wedding dress.
Jackie peaked over his shoulder. "That's disgusting!" she exclaimed. "That poor wedding dress! It should be against the law to put something so beautiful on something so ugly!"
Hyde rolled his eyes and opened the second casket. "And here's the groom!" He turned to Jackie. "What do you think it was? Murder-suicide? Probably realized marriage was a death-trap anyway, so he decided to speed up the process."
"Steven!" Jackie cried in outrage, batting him with her pitchfork until he raised his hands up in surrender.
"Hey! Just stating my opinion!"
"Because getting drunk and marrying a stripper makes you such an expert on marriage!"
He winced. "Technically, I wasn't married—"
"Whatever," she spat. She then stared down at the corpse bride and groom with a wistful expression. "I think they had a tragic love story. Like Romeo and Juliet. She was probably really pretty and rich and he was really scruffy and poor. Society didn't want them together so they ended up killing themselves so they could be together."
"Jackie, that's not exactly how Romeo and Juliet goes—"
"That's not the point!" she irrationally cut off. "The point is they died for love. It's romantic."
Hyde gave a look of disgust. "You think dying is romantic? And you wonder why I didn't want to watch the movies you'd pick." He shook his head. "Whatever. Why are we even discussing this? They're plastic skeletons. They were probably made in some warehouse in Ohio. Let's get out of this basement. I think it's clouding my judgment…"
"Fine," she pouted and followed him as he made his way up the stairs.
Hyde turned the handle of the door, anxious to get himself out of that wretched basement. "What the…"
Jackie tapped her foot behind him impatiently. "Steven, why are you just standing there? I thought we were leaving."
"I thought so too, but the door seems to have other plans," he choked out. "It's locked."
"You can't be serious!" She stepped up beside him. "Ugh! Move aside!" she ordered, pushing him out of the way. She tried the handle. "You are serious! Oh my God! Steven! We're locked in!"
"Jackie, stop panicking," he commanded, pulling her away. He then started pounding on the door relentlessly. "HEY! IS ANYBODY OUT THERE? WE'RE TRAPPED!"
Jackie joined in the yelling. "LET ME OUT OF HERE! I'M TOO PRETTY TO BE TRAPPED IN A BASEMENT!"
No answer. Crap.
Hyde sighed in defeat. "Looks like we're going to be stuck in this basement for a while."
Jackie looked up at him. "What are we going to do?"
30 minutes later…
Jackie and Hyde were sitting on the basement floor with identical bemused expressions.
"Why are we always in basements, man? We spend so much time in the basement," Hyde remarked. "It's getting to the point where I don't feel right in other rooms. It's like they're too high up…"
Jackie gave him a blank stare. "Why do you say 'man' so much? I'm not a man…nobody could mistake me for a man. I'm way too pretty. Oh! And I have boobs!" She looked down at her chest and started giggling.
Hyde was looking at the objects of Jackie's attention and grinning. "Yeah. You do have boobs. And you know what's so great about it? There's two of them! Man, my sunglasses are lucky right now…"
"You know who could be mistaken for a man if she didn't have boobs? Donna! She acts like a man, dresses like a man…she doesn't even date a real man! Eric should be the one with boobs!"
Hyde suspiciously looked around before leaning in and whispering. "I think the government locked us in here. They know that I know too much. We better play it cool. They could be watching us. We don't want them to know that I know that they know that I know too much."
Jackie looked at him in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about? If the government's watching us, it wouldn't be because of you. Why would they want to watch you? I'm much more pretty and interesting…and I have boobs…"
Another 30 minutes later…
"Now what are we going to do?" a bored-sounding Jackie asked from the floor. "This basement is even worse than Eric's. They don't even have a couch."
"Don't ask me. We used up the last of my stash."
Having discarded that stupid pirate hat of his some time ago, Hyde was sitting on the floor banging his head against the wall. He looked at Jackie through the dim light in the room. "What are we going to do?" he repeated disinterestedly. He lazily forced himself up. "I'll tell you want I'm going to do. I'm going to find the damn light switch in here."
Once he'd turn up the light, however, he realized he'd made a grave error. He now had a very good view of Jackie in her devil outfit lying in what could be construed as a very seductive pose on the floor.
"Give me my sunglasses," he choked out.
"You just turned the light on," she noted. "Why would you want your sunglasses?"
He chose not to answer her question. "Give me my sunglasses," he repeated with some urgency.
"No, I like you without them," she snottily replied.
"Well, if you won't give them to me…" He suggestively dropped his eyes to the area in which his sunglasses were hidden.
Jackie noticed his line of vision. "Don't even think about it, Steven!" She scurried up from the floor and backed away from him.
He came slowly towards her as if he was stalking prey. "You can hand over the sunglasses and end this now, Jackie. It's up to you."
She made a high squeaking noise before she bolted to the other side of the room and positioned herself behind the coffins of the corpse bride and groom. "I'll never surrender to you, Steven!" she cried in defiance.
He responded with a wicked smirk. "Then you better prepare to face the consequences…" He sprang towards her.
"Eek!" Jackie yelped as she maneuvered her tiny body away from him, running to the other side of the coffins for protection.
Hyde paused. "Jackie, give it up. We're in a locked room. You can't get away from me forever."
She looked at him with a strange expression. "You can't have your sunglasses yet. You just can't."
He took note of her determined stance. "Then you'd better be prepared to go all out…" He chased after her and this time he didn't pause. They ended up circling the coffins over and over. He was surprised how steadfast Jackie was in her concentration. Again and again, she kept alluding him…until she made the mistake of turning too slow on the corner.
"Gotcha!" he triumphed, holding her wriggling body about the waist. "This is your last chance to surrender and hand over the shades…" She kicked him. "Hey! That's it! I'm going in!"
"Don't you dare!" she screeched as his hand approached the destination of his sunglasses. He was about to get his sunglasses…"NO!" she cried as she forcibly stabbed his thigh with her pitchfork, causing him to double over in pain.
"Ow!" He'd forgotten about her damn pitchfork. "Jackie, was that really necessary?" he asked heatedly. He straightened himself and looked at her. He was met with an angry stare and a pitchfork.
"How dare you touch me!" she growled.
He rolled his eyes. "I don't get what you're so angry about. You're the one who won't give me my sunglasses!" He looked her up and down in a condescending manner. "Besides, it's not like I haven't been there before."
"You're such a jerk!" she seethed, pointing her pitchfork below his waist. His hands flew up in immediate surrender.
"O-Okay Jackie, you win. Don't do anything rash…"
"What does it matter? I thought you didn't want to have kids anyway!" she retorted.
"I still want to be able to do other things!" He shook his head. "Seriously, Jackie, what are you so mad about?"
"I'm mad because…because you don't have the right to touch me like that. You no longer have those privileges…to…to…"
"Touch your naughty places?" he amusedly supplied for her.
"Steven!" she shrieked in admonishment, a blush creeping to her cheeks.
He sighed. "Look, Jackie, I'm sorry. I just wanted my sunglasses back."
Her expression softened slightly, but she did not put down the pitchfork. "Why do you want your sunglasses so bad anyway?"
"I just…do" was his inarticulate answer.
"Oh! I know why you want them!" Suddenly, her features took on a more upbeat expression. "It's because you want me! I'm so hot you have to wear sunglasses to keep yourself from jumping me!" she teasingly declared.
Hyde abruptly looked away.
Her jaw dropped in surprise, along with her pitchfork. "Oh my God! Steven! It's because you want me! I'm so hot that you have to wear sunglasses to keep yourself from jumping me!"
Hyde immediately went on the defense. "That's ridiculous! I don't want you! Why would I want you?" He crossed his arms, avoiding her gaze. "In fact, I wanted my sunglasses so I could forget you were even here. I should be at the party by now drinking free beer. Instead, I'm stuck in a basement with you." When he finally looked up and met her gaze, he was taken aback. She looked…devastated.
Jackie closed her eyes and tightened her jaw. "I see," she said shortly. She opened her eyes and fixed him with a malignant stare. "I'll do my best not to bother you. I know how I'm nothing to you." She then retreated to the other side of the room and sat down on the floor with her back against the wall.
Hyde observed her as she sat stoically against the wall, her eyes staring blankly ahead. "Jackie?" he called out.
"Jackie?" he tried again.
Man, he was screwed…
40 minutes later…
"I'm impressed, Jackie, this has to be some kind of record for you," Hyde cracked. "I don't think I've ever seen you go longer than two minutes without speaking before."
Hyde shifted uncomfortably against the wall next to Jackie, who continued to stare straight ahead, ignoring his presence altogether. "Jackie, don't you think it's about time you gave up the silent treatment?"
"Great," he commented lightly. "So, you don't mind if I talk about Led Zeppelin?"
"Or we could talk about how unicorns are the root of all evil and how any physical representations of said fictitious beings should be burned?"
"Damnit, Jackie," he grunted in frustration. "I'm sorry, okay. I admit, there are worse things than being locked in a basement with you…I could be locked in a basement with Forman." Hyde thought he saw the corners of her mouth twinge in reaction to the last part of his statement. "So, can you…say something?" he tried.
Hyde groaned. Jackie had a real talent for making things difficult. "Look, I didn't mean those things I said." He glanced over at her. She seemingly had no reaction at all. "Jackie, I don't know what it is you want me to say…"
Hyde sighed in defeat to a ninety-five brunette. "Alright. I lied. I do want you." He forced the words out as if he was in extreme agony.
Jackie jumped up immediately. "I knew it!" she exclaimed in triumph, pointing her finger at him. "I knew you wanted me!" She struck a pose as if she was shooting a magazine cover. "I mean, how could you not want me? Look at me. Every guy should want me."
Hyde stared up at her in disbelief. "So…what? You gave me the silent treatment because you wanted me to appease your vanity?"
She shook her head dismissively. "It doesn't matter. What matters is that you want me. Tell me, Steven, why do you want me? Is it my hair? My face? My body? I know I'm pretty much perfect all around—"
"Shut up, Jackie. I'm a guy, okay? I'm not blind," he broke in, extremely irritated. He looked her over. "And in that devil costume you look really…okay."
"Okay?" she repeated, appalled. "I'm far beyond okay. If I was just okay you wouldn't want me. But you do! I so knew you lied when you said you didn't want me! I knew you wanted me!"
"I don't know why you'd make such a fuss just because I said I didn't want…" Hyde's eyes widened in realization. "You want me."
Jackie froze, immediately ceasing her celebratory boasting.
Hyde stood up and smirked in triumph. "That's why you were upset isn't it? Because you want me."
Jackie shook her head far too adamantly. "No…no…that's not it at all…"
He stepped towards her. "Really? Then what is it? Because I think that's exactly what it is."
"That's not it. I…I just…"
"Go on. I'm dying to know what you have to say…"
"Fine." She huffed in annoyance, shooting daggers at him with her eyes. "I'll tell you why I was upset. I was upset because you've been acting as if I'm nothing to you. I thought we were past that, especially with all the time we've spent together recently while everyone else has been gone."
"If this is about what I said to Forman, you know he was asking if we were—"
"I know, but it hurt when you said there was nothing between us. I know we don't have, like, titles or anything, but after all the time we've spent together these last months…I don't know what exactly we are, but I wouldn't say we're nothing. At the very least I would have thought we were friends."
"We're not friends," he bit out abruptly before he could censor himself. He noticed her hurt expression and backtracked immediately. "No, no…I didn't mean it like that…"
"How did you mean it, Steven?" she asked looking up at him, her mismatched eyes wide and vulnerable.
He stared back at her pleading expression. This was why he needed his sunglasses. "I meant that we've never really been friends, and I don't think we can ever really be friends…not just friends anyway."
"Then what are we if we're not friends?"
"We're…something." He finished lamely, unable to find the right words.
"We're something?" she repeated, crossing her arms in annoyance. "What the hell does that mean?"
"It means we're something," he reiterated unhelpfully. He groaned in agitation at the dark look she shot him. "Jackie, I don't know what we are. Why the hell are we even talking about this crap? It can't amount to anything good…"
"Glad you think we can never amount to anything good," she spat.
He cringed at the bitterness of her tone. "I'm not saying that. It's just…things always end the same with us." His clarification attempt did not seem to penetrate her. He sighed in frustration. "Jackie, where are you going with this? What do you want?"
"I want answers!" she cried, throwing her arms in the air for emphasis. "I want to know what's going on with us!"
Hyde was beside himself at his ex-girlfriend's bossy demands. "Us? I wasn't even aware there was an 'us.' Why can't there be a 'you' and a 'me.' Why does there have to be an 'us'?" He shook his head as if he was trying to rid himself of the current unpleasant situation. It didn't work. "Why can't we keep things they way they are?" he asked hopefully.
His hopes were crushed by her subsequent ranting. "The way things are? How can we keep up the way things are? Steven, we spend almost all our free time together! Granted, we mostly sit in the basement watching Charlie's Angels or Fantasy Island or whatever, but it's still time we're spending with each other rather than anyone else. I haven't gone on a date in over five months, and I know for a fact you haven't either!"
"How would you know—"
"Believe me. I know. Just like I know you changed your weekend work schedule to match mine." He was silent. "Steven, we're practically dating without the sex!"
"We are not…" he went to object, but stopped to reflect on her words. He shrugged in admittance. "Yeah, I guess we kind of are…"
"Exactly. The thing is…right now we're at a standstill. No matter what, we need to move forward." She took a deep breath before continuing. "The question is: Do we move forward together…or apart?" She swallowed nervously as she finished.
Hyde's expression turned cold. "Jackie, you know I'm not good with ultimatums," he snapped.
"Really? I had no idea," she voiced with heavy sarcasm. Putting her hand to her chin, she made a show of pretending to be in deep thought. "Wait, I do seem to recall a slight hesitance towards commitment on your part…"
"Steven, I'm not trying to give you ultimatums," she cut off seriously. "I'm trying to discuss our options with you. I don't want to pressure you like before."
"Then why does it feel like that's what you're doing?" Hyde leveled Jackie with a steady gaze. Damn. She looked sincere. He exhaled in preparation for the inevitable…discussing his feelings. "Jackie, I feel like whatever messed-up relationship we have is going to become even more messed-up after today. Hanging out with you lately has been…almost like the way things were before everything went to hell. If we take things further, everything will go to hell again. And after everything that's happened…"
Jackie sighed heavily. "And by 'everything that's happened' you mean how I tried to pressure you into marriage by giving you an ultimatum—"
"Yeah, there was that—"
"And then you incorrectly assumed I slept with Michael—"
"He was naked. Who wouldn't assume—"
"And then you got drunk and married a stripper—"
"Technically, I didn't marry her—"
"And then you foolishly chose to stay with her—"
"Not really my best decision—"
"And then you behaved like a complete jerk to me—"
"Yeah, well, I was pissed off—"
"And then I lost my pretty head and decided dating Fez was a good idea," she finished.
Hyde made a face. "What were you thinking dating Fez?"
She shrugged. "Is that pretty much everything to which you were referring?" she asked.
"Pretty much, yeah," he admitted. "See? That's why it wouldn't work between us. Too much has happened. How could we be possibly get past that?"
She smirked at him. "Don't you think we already have?" At his confused expression, she became downright smug. "Steven, we've been getting along and hanging out for months now. Do you think we would be able to do that if we hadn't gotten past everything?"
Hyde folded his arms and stared at her. "Crap. You're right."
"Of course I'm right. So, does that mean you want us to be together?"
"I don't know."
Jackie's jaw tightened. "Alright. I'm going to ask you some questions. 'I don't know' is not an acceptable answer. Do you understand me?"
"Jackie, I don't want to—"
"DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"
"Yes. Though I think you may have damaged my hearing."
"Alright, let's begin," she sternly announced. "Steven, do you want me?"
"I thought we already covered—"
"STEVEN! ANSWER THE QUESTION!"
"Yes. I want you." He made sure to lay heavy on the sarcasm.
She ignored his tone. "Do you just want me physically? Or is there more?"
"Jackie, I don't want to do this—"
"DO I HAVE TO GET MY PITCHFORK?"
He glared at her. "There's more," he answered reluctantly.
"Do you enjoy spending time with me?"
"Yes…Not sure why though…"
She smiled slightly. "Do you want to continue to spend time with me?"
He shifted awkwardly. "Yes…I've always been a bit masochistic…"
"Would you be upset if I dated anyone else?"
"Jackie, what kind of question—"
"Would you be upset if I dated anyone else?" she repeated.
He could see she was anxious for his answer. "Yes," he said tightly.
"Why would you be upset?" she furthered.
"ANSWER THE QUESTION!"
"BECAUSE I HATE THE THOUGHT OF YOU WITH SOMEONE ELSE!" he yelled. Okay, he was pissed off now.
"Oh, Steven! I hate the thought of you with someone else too!" she gushed. "So, why don't we not be with anyone else?"
"Steven, do you want a relationship with me?"
"Let me tell you what I want, Jackie," he spoke in a menacing tone. "I want to NOT be having this conversation with you!"
She balled her hands into tiny fists. "But we NEED to have this conversation!"
Hyde was immediately on his guard. "We don't NEED to do anything! I don't need to do anything!"
"Oh! So you WANT us to see other people?" she fiercely challenged.
"I DIDN'T SAY THAT!"
"Then WHAT are you SAYING, Steven?" she retorted. "You SAY you hate the thought of me with someone else, but you WON'T SAY you want me to be with you!"
Hyde threw his arms out in rage. "What do you WANT me to say?"
"I WANT you to say how you feel about me!"
"I LOVE YOU!" he blurted out angrily, barely registering his own words. He glared at her with bitter passion as he continued his heated rant. "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY? YOU WANT ME TO SAY THAT I LOVE YOU? THAT I'VE LOVED YOU FOR A LONG TIME? THAT I NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU? THAT I'LL PROBABLY AWLAYS LOVE YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT ME TO SAY?"
The complete and utter shock on her face was nothing compared to his at having unexpectedly hollered his feelings in such a blatant and pissed-off fashion.
"Yes, Steven, that's EXACTLY what I WANT you to say!" Jackie cried with unconcealed emotion. She then squealed in delight and launched herself at him, kissing him hard on the mouth.
Hyde froze for only a moment before he recovered his senses. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he kissed her back with equal force. He was surprised when she pulled back slightly from their passionate embrace…
"Wait…Steven…" she murmured breathlessly, "Was that an actual declaration…or was the whole thing hypothetical?"
He stared blankly at her. "Technically, it was hypothetical…"
Her face fell in devastation. "You jerk! You didn't mean it!" She immediately started trying to wriggle free, but he only clasped his arms around tighter.
"Jackie! Stop trying to get away!" he ordered, trying to maintain his hold on the fiery brunette. "Technically, the way I said it was hypothetical, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean it!" She stopped struggling and stilled in his arms.
"So, did you mean it?" she asked softly.
He looked into her eyes, knowing he was conveying more emotion than he felt comfortable with. "Yes, I meant it," he all but whispered. He cleared his throat. "I guess I want to say…all that stuff I said…I meant every word. Except, you know, not hypothetical."
Jackie couldn't have looked happier if there was a storewide sale at the mall. "Oh, Steven! I love you too!" She then happily returned to their previous activities by attacking his lips with passion…
Hyde enthusiastically responded.
20 minutes later…
"Jackie, I need to breathe," Hyde muttered in between kisses.
She broke apart from him and sighed. "Yeah, we should talk."
"I take it back. I don't need to breathe," he immediately amended.
"Steven!" she scolded.
Hyde sighed in aggravation. "Jackie, we're not good at talking. Haven't we talked enough already today?"
She pouted. "But that was one of our problems before. We didn't talk enough."
"Actually, I seem to remember you talking a lot." He rolled his eyes at the glare she gave him. "Alright," he caved, "what do you want to talk about this time?"
She smiled at his acquiescence. "I think we need to make a pact to work harder in this relationship so we can avoid what happened…all those other times."
Hyde gave her an apprehensive look. "Pact? What kind of pact?" he asked tentatively.
Jackie paused, looking thoughtful. "Like, I promise to try and be less bossy and overbearing…"
"Don't forget manipulative."
She frowned at him. "Steven, I'm being serious!"
"So am I," he deadpanned.
"Fine," she huffed. "I promise not to be so manipulative, and you…" She motioned for him to say something.
He looked at her questioningly. "I...?"
"You promise to talk to me instead of jumping to conclusions…and then running off to marry a stripper," she finished for him.
"Technically, I didn't marry—"
"Steven, it doesn't matter," she briskly cut off. "I want you to promise that if something happens—and I'm not saying it will—to talk about it first before doing anything else."
He opened his mouth to make a sarcastic retort, but changed his mind at her serious expression. "Whatever," he groaned in defeat.
Man, she was going to be the death of him. "Whatever, I promise."
Jackie beamed. "We just have to trust each other, Steven. That was our main problem before. We didn't trust each other."
Hyde nodded as he began playing with a strand of her hair. "Let's just be truthful with each other. As long as we're truthful with each other, there's no reason not to trust each other," he reasoned.
She stared blankly at him for second. "Okay."
"Good." He paused. "So, are we done talking now?"
"Thank God," he murmured before kissing her with fervor. He was not pleased, however, when she pulled away a short time later.
"What time do you think it is? It has to be after midnight, right?" Jackie asked, still sounding groggy from their make-out session.
"Yeah, it has to be pretty late," Hyde grumbled. "If our moronic friends ever figured their way out of this place, they probably ditched us and went straight to the party…" He went to kiss her again.
Jackie pulled away from him. Ignoring his protests, "You think they left us?" she asked worriedly. "I'm going to go try the door again…"
She sprinted up the stairs to the doorway and looked around. She pounded on door and yelled, "HEY! IF ANYBODY'S OUT THERE, NOW WOULD BE THE TIME TO LET US OUT!" When she received no answer, she inexplicably started to panic. "LET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
"Jackie? What's the matter?" Hyde called from the foot of the stairs. "Someone's bound to come by eventually. We just have to wait…"
"This is all wrong!" she cried, not listening to him. She continued pounding on the door in alarm. "This wasn't part of the plan!"
Hyde froze. "Plan? What plan?"
Jackie stilled and went quiet.
"Jackie? What plan?"
To Be Continued…
Up Next in Part 2 of She's the Devil: There's more to the story than Jackie's shiny red devil costume. Stay tuned for confessions, flashbacks, basement bickering, and a non-lethal dose of Kelso's sword!
Thanks for Reading! Reviews are appreciated!