The Match of all Matches
TNA Wrestling presents… George W. Bush vs. Michael Moore at Bound For Glory!
Mike Tenay: Wrestling fans, nobody ever expected this match to happen and no one ever expected Bush vs. Moore to take place in a TNA six-sided ring.
Don West: You said it, Mike! Boy, you knew there was bad blood between these two. It's beyond political differences and a difference of opinion, it's personal.
Mike Tenay: That's certainly an understatement. This event and match in particular has gotten a ton of news coverage.
Don West: USA Today, Fox News Channel, CNN, MSNBC, every news magazine, and newspaper, every radio station, they've been talking about TNA and Bush vs. Moore.
Mike Tenay: Jeremy Borasch is with Michael Moore right now.
Jeremy Borasch: I'm in Michael Moore's dressing room. Mr. Moore is apparently eating… hotdogs, and lots of them.
Michael Moore: OK! We've got beef franks, cheese dogs, Oscar Mayer, ummm, where's the Ball Park? I asked for Ball Park Franks and they're not here. I need more mayo. Move people.
JB: Moore has his entourage with him. His group of Liberal Liars-
Moore: Mmmmmmmm! (BURP!)
JB: You have Leonardo DeCaprio, Chevy Chase, Tim Robbins, Sean Penn, and Jimmy Carter, Moore's best friend. Too bad we have no time to talk to any of them. It's time for our opening match here at Bound For Glory.
30-man X-Division Gauntlet to receive title shot. "Black Machismo" Jay Lethal wins and wrestles X-Division Champion "Fallen Angel" Christopher Daniels. Lethal wins the title.
JB: We're here with President George W. Bush.
GWB: Well JB, it's been a long time coming. Moore has been lying for a long time now-
Al Franken: Listen you…
(SMASH!) Jeff Jarrett hits Franken with a guitar.
JB: Oh my, President Bush has his own entourage. Dennis Miller, Rush Limbaug, Rick Schrouder, Ben Stein, and Sean Hannity. They're both prepared.
Jeff Jarrett: He won't be bothering you any more, Mr. President.
Bush: Thank you, Jeff. Moore, you won't be hiding on a movie screen this time.
Lance Hoyt, Ron "the Truth" Killings, & Christy Hemme vs. Voodoo Kin Mafia & Roxie LeVeoux. VKM and Roxie win the match.
We look at footage from the Bush vs. Moore feud. We here from Dick Cheney then we find out Moore has just ate 20 hotdogs.
TNA World Tag Team Champions The Steiner Brothers vs. Team 3D. 3D wins Tag Team belts.
We take a look at the security. Moore is now enjoying a steak… 20 of them.
The Monster Abyss vs. "The Instant Classic" Christian Cage. Abyss wins.
George H.W. Bush is now interviewed. Now for dessert Moore is having 50 pounds of ice cream.
Sting vs. "The Phenomenal" AJ Styles. Styles wins.
The cast of the ½ Hour News Hour is interviewed. Now Moore is eating a pot full of chili and beans.
Jeff Jarrett vs. Raven. Raven wins.
Moore is in the bathroom. We have last minute comments from Bush.
TNA World Heavyweight Title match. TNA World Champion Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe. Joe becomes the new World Champion.
Now a highlight video of Bush and Moore. Now Moore flushes the toilet.
David Penzer: Here is your main event of Bound for Glory! One fall to a finish. There must be a winner. No count outs, no disqualifications, only pin falls, submissions, tap outs, or surrenders. Introducing first, he claims to be from Flint, Michigan, the scale could not measure his weight, here is MICHAEL MOORE!
(Moore is finishing up an XXXXL Cola.) Moore grabs a bag of popcorn.
Jeremy Borasch: And his opponent, he is originally from the Lone Star State, he is the President of the United States… MISTER GEORGE W. BUSH!
Referee Earl Hebner goes over the rules. Moore finishes up his popcorn. Bush looks at him in disgust. The bell rings. Moore can't move around too quickly. Bush tries to lock up with Moore, but Moore can't do it properly. Bush fore arm smashes Moore.
Mike Tenay: Oh my! Michael Moore staggers! George W. Bush hits him again.
Don West: Moore is so out of shape, he's having problems moving.
Tenay: Thirty seconds into the match and Moore hasn't done a thing.
West: Bush using closed fists to batter Moore's jaw, it's legal in this match.
Tenay: Bush with a clothesline! And another clothesline!
West: Moore is tangled up in the ropes. Oh my, this reminds me of Andre the Giant. I know I shouldn't mention Andre and Moore in the same sentence, but Moore is tied up.
Tenay: We're over a minute now, Bush is repeatedly punching Moore in the jaw. And now a vicious kick.
West: What's This? While Bush continues to hammer away on fat Moore, we have Sean Penn coming out. From behind "Wild Cat" Chris Harris clothes lines Penn. Bush watches this. Moore tries to get untangled. Harris gives Penn the Cat-a-tonic.
Tenay: Now we've got Tim Robbins on his way. The "Tennessee Cowboy" James Storm comes out. He smashes the beer bottle on Robbins, right on his head. And now Harris and Storm shake hands.
West: America's Most Wanted have just reunited. Moore has finally gotten untangled. Bush knocks him down again. Over two minutes gone by. Harris gives Bush a chair. Moore gets up, but Bush smashes Moore with the chair. It's legal in this match.
Tenay: And Bush hits Moore with the chair again. Bush has Moore pinned, but Chevy Chase is coming out. Earl is distracted. Bush has had Moore down for at least a twenty count. Now AMW gives Chevy Chase the Death Sentence!
West: Bush looks on, Moore is just now getting up, the sweat is in his eyes. Jimmy Carter walks out. Moore, blinded by the sweat in his eyes falls on top of Earl Hebner.
Tenay: All that weight on Hebner. George W. Bush rolls that slob, Moore, over. Elbow drop! Bush pins Moore, but the ref is out. Bush is making the count himself. Now Bush places Moore in an arm-bar.
West: Here comes Dustin Rhodes. Moore says he submits. Dustin is not as Black Reign. Earl is still out. Moore taps out. Dustin attacks Carter. "The Natural" Dustin Rhodes is joining America's Most Wanted. Rudy Charles is running out. Bush gives Moore a DDT!
Tenay: Bush stomps on Moore. What a battle. What a shot by Bush. Moore is busted open, Bush hits him again. Bush gives Moore a swinging neck-breaker. Huh? Green Day is walking out.
West: Bush throws Moore out of the ring. AMW and Rhodes are beating up Green Day. Kevin Nash has arrived and he's beating up Green Day also. Bush axe-handles Moore. Now System of a Down comes out. Outside of the ring Bush demolishes Moore with another vicious chair shot. Bush bulldogs Moore on top of the chair.
Tenay: Harris, Storm, Rhodes, and Nash destroy System of a Down and now Bob Backlund comes out to join in. Bush kicks Moore in the head. Bush delivers a drop toe hold onto Moore. Bush whips Moore with a belt.
West: Here comes Alec Baldwin. Matt Morgan attacks Baldwin. Moore crawls over to a garbage can. Moore sticks his head into the garbage can. I think he's throwing up. Here comes Julia Roberts. Gail Kim clotheslines her right down. Whoopie Goldberg shows up.
Tenay: Ms. Brooks attacks Whoopie. Huh? Susan Sarandan? Jackie Moore bulldozes her down. Bush bashes fat Michael Moore with a 2 x 4. Michael definitely not related to Jackie Moore. Bush smashes him again. The board breaks in half. Moore is bleeding heavily. Bush super-kicks Moore. Michael Moore is now flat on his back. George W. Bush with an elbow drop on his obese opponent.
West: Now why hasn't Moore ever made a movie about obesity? I wonder. Hillary Clinton is there, but Christy Hemme has just knocked her down. Bush applies a sleeper hold on Moore. Rudy Charles is checking on this. Jennifer Aniston has entered. Roxie Leveau smashes her and executes her finisher on her. Bush, noticing this releases the sleeper. Moore is out of it. Oh my, he collapses on top of referee Rudy Charles. Poor, Rudy!
Tenay: That fat tub of lard just squashed Rudy. Another ref out of commission. What's this? Bush lifts up Moore. Body slam! Bush has done it. Elbow drop by Bush. What a match. 15 minutes of action so far. Michael Moore says he quits, but there's no referee at the moment. Look at this.
West: It's Ellen DeGeneress. Karen Angle jumps her and goes on the attack. Referee Andrew Thomas is headed to the ring. Bush body slams Moore! He just lifted him up. Barbara Streisand is here. So-Cal Val kicks her down. Bush gives Moore a belly-to-back-suplex. Now Bush leg drops him. Uh oh, Rosie O' Donnel is here. But so is Sirelda. Oh my, Sirelda choke-slams Rosie! Michael Moore is down. He has this look on his face.
Tenay: Andrew Thomas is checking on him. I think Moore needs to go to the bathroom. He's trying to stand up. He's got diarrhea. Bush knocks him back down. Here come the Dixie Chicks. The TNA Knock Outs are beating them up. Bush gives Moore a fore-arm smash. Bush delivers an elbow drop. A pin fall. 1-2-3!
Penzer: Here is your winner, the President of the United States, George W. Bush! Tenay: The TNA locker room are congratulating Bush. Mr. T knocks out Kanye West and he joins in the celebration. Lex Luger clobbers Jack Black and now he joins the celebration. Fans, what a night this has been. So long, everyone!