I own nothing. Here's the deal: I've got a touch of writer's block and this came to me. I'm kinda disappointed with myself for writing it, let alone posting it. But honestly, this is my humour. Make of it what you will, but if you think I'm funny, let me know.
Imagine Whirled Peas
Summary: Five vampires and one human play a quote game with no end. First one to laugh loses.
Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, Edward and I were sitting in a circle. I had been granted the honor of picking whatever mundane (Rosalie's description, not mine) game we would play tonight until it was time for bed for the human.
When I was little my mother and I used to play this game; Using only movie quotes that sort of string together, you must trade turns until someone laughs. Obviously it would be much different with five vampires that had been around for longer than movies, but I thought it could be funny still.
"Okay, I'll start then Em, Rose, Alice, Jasper, Edward and then back to me? Everyone understand the premise? Okay, let's begin."
I turned to Emmett, trying to think of a good one for him. I grinned as I thought of one.
Bella: You stuck up, half-witted, scruffy looking, nerf herder!
Emmett: Who's scruffy looking?
Rosalie: I see you shiver in an..tici……pation!
Alice: Oh Rocky! (I had to force the laugh down on that one, as she threw her arms around Jasper when she did it)
Jasper: Holey Rusted Metal Batman!
Edward: AS YOU WISH!! ( I slapped Edward on the arm, he was supposed to make me laugh, not make me swoon)
Emmett: Anybody want a peanut?
Rosalie: AHHHH! I've pierced the toast! (this one was tough, Rosalie being Nathan Lane being a flamboyantly gay guy? Classic)
Alice: Wait dey are sheemps!
Jasper: Fuck the shrimp!
Edward: It's da shooze!
Bella: I signed that waver thingy, so just feel free to stick things in my slot. (I watched Emmett shiver as he bit down a normal response before tuning to Rose)
Emmett: Mama says life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get.
Rosalie: Run Forrest RUN!
Alice: I'm Captain Jack Sparrow!
Jasper: Clearly, you've never been to Tijuana
Edward: Five of you tried to Kill me, one of you succeeded
Bella: EXPECTO PATRONUM!
Emmett: You are weak potter!
Rosalie: You're a wizard Harry
Alice: HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR!
Jasper: Let us hope Mister Potter will always be around to save the day.
Edward: You know the prefects bathroom on the third floor? It's not a bad place to take a bath.
My breathing grew heavy, and I heard stifled laughter from somewhere, but I couldn't take my eyes from Edward's to see who it was. I had to win this game now, or I might do something in front of the family that I would regret.
I searched my mind for the winning quote and soon I had it. It was not funny in it's own right, but said properly and in front of Edward, I knew it would be the winner. I let a smile from on my face as I turned to Emmett. He had already had to stifle laughter, so this should be a piece of cake.
Bella: OK... not! Fuck, shit, cock, ass, titties, boner, bitch, muff, pussy, cunt, butthole, Barbra Streisand! (As Eric Cartman, I am totally cracking up on the inside)
Emmett was about to continue, but he saw the look on Edward's face, which I could picture without turning. Emmett lost his mind, followed by everyone in the family except Edward. I clutched at my stomach and rolled on the floor, crying tears of laughter.
Edward looked stunned and a little…turned on? I couldn't really tell, he picked me up in his arms and ran me up to his room where he tossed me onto the bed and locked the door behind him.
My giggled stopped as he turned to face me with black eyes. My crooked grin appeared on his face before he stalked me up to the bed and opened his mouth to speak.
"Bella love, I never knew you could speak like that. I must say, it is quite a turn on. What else can I get you to say to me?"
It's stupid, I know, but I totally needed a distraction. Besides I warned you. Anyone who cares to know what all of the quotes are, feel free to review and ask! PS, Once I remembered that quote from Cedric Diggory about the bath, I totally had to have Edward lean into Bella and say it, be still my heart….