Pain

Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, although I'm sure that that won't come as much of a surprise.


-/One/-

She walks through the woods.

Alone.

Part of her wants to scream. The other part wants to cry.

So she laughs.

Her hair flies everywhere, her feet push against the wind which is forcing her into the opposite direction. She laughs.

Because it is the only thing that will keep her sane.

-/Two/-

It's quiet when she wakes up. Dark, but quiet.

She hears the soft sounds of the night, but she's not scared. She learned a long time ago, that being scared never gets you anywhere. Instead, she curls up in a ball and lies, listening to the trees rustling in the distance.

It is cold, but she is warm. She is always warm. She traces a pattern on the floor and watches the leaves spin around.

This is her way of dealing.

She doesn't like to think about things too much. Once you think about things, they get complicated. Especially when an entire pack of werewolves can hear every single thing that goes through your mind.

More than anything, she wants to be normal.

-/Three/-

It's starting all over again.

She figures someone up there hates her.

First Sam, and then him.

Emotions get you nowhere.

-/Four/-

She phases.

It's time. The only time when she knows none of them are around. None of them can hear.

She runs.

Feel the power of her legs pulsing with adrenalin as she runs, the 'whoosh' of the wind flying past her. It's the only thing that makes her feel like her again. The only reason she hadn't given up on this whole werewolf thing a long time ago.

Go away, she hears herself say, go away.

-/Five/-

Feelings are funny things.

Unreliable and unpredictable.

Who needs them?

She stares at the waves, crushing against the rock. She wants to block it out. All of it. She doesn't want to say it out loud, because everyone knows once it's out, it's real.

-/Six/-

You know, she loved Sam.

She did.

It wasn't just some schoolgirl fling. It was more than that. At least to her. And she thought it meant that maybe, just maybe, he felt the same way too. That there really was something there. Something nobody else saw except for the two of them.

He was the first boy she'd given everything to.

Everything.

And then he met Emily.

-/Seven/-

She didn't understand imprinting.

She got the gist of it, but she didn't understand the wonder of it. The awe.

How something so wonderful, could be wonderful when it broke apart any other relationships.

Though at the same time she'd have given anything. Anything. Just so she would be able to imprint. Just so that she could forget too.

-/Eight/-

It's hard looking in the mirror.

Knowing that she used to look different. She used to be different.

But she changed.

Partly because of the breakup, but mostly because of the way they looked at her.

People she knew, the pack, but most of all, Sam.

Sam with those dark brown eyes she'd fallen into numerous times before. Sam, looking at her with such pity. It was enough to make her sick. And it did. And she hated it.

She heard it in their thoughts. Things they couldn't keep completely out of their minds, buried deep beneath other secrets they'd tried to lock out.

And so she made herself stop caring. Or at least tried to.

Because if they hated her, then no one could feel sorry for her. And that was enough for her.

-/Nine/-

She'd always been bitter. And all that bitterness just intensified once she'd toughened up.

So when Jacob Black lost his precious Bella Swan, a tiny, evil piece inside of her smiled. Someone knew what it felt like. What it felt to have someone rip every piece of you up, limb from limb, and trample on your heart.

And she let that evil piece take over for a while.

Because delighting in someone else's pain, was a lot better than having to feel your own.

-/Ten/-

Escape.

Other than protecting Seth, this was why she wanted to join Jacob's team. Even if it did mean she'd have to work with those leeches. She could handle that.

If it meant no more pity. About Sam, about her father.

If it meant no more Sam.

-/Eleven/-

It's strange how feelings can spring out of nowhere when you least want them to.

And to the people you least expect.

But when she sees him, she knows something has changed. About them. About their relationship.

And it scares her that it's happening all over again.

-/Twelve/-

She's not sure what she's supposed to do.

Her mind tells her to forget about him. To stop. But her heart tells her to fall.

She chooses her heart.

She doesn't know if this is all a big mistake. If she's letting this spin out of control, and she's losing herself.

But for the moment, she just doesn't care.

-/Thirteen/-

He smells like rain.

Warm, summer rain.

She breathes him in and it's intoxicating. She wonders what it would be like to feel his warm skin beneath her fingers. She spreads her fingers against his bare chest and he smiles. That smile. The one reserved only for her.

He tastes sweeter than anything she's ever tasted.

And she thinks that maybe, just maybe, something is finally going her way.

-/Fourteen/-

"I'm sorry."

She's heard those words before. Although it seems like an eternity ago.

She doesn't say a word. There's nothing left to say. She hates him; it's as simple as that. She hates herself for letting it get beyond her control. She hates herself for ever having those feelings. She hates that it's happening all over again, when she could have prevented it.

She hates what she is. That she'll never be able to imprint. Will never find one who'll love her back for who she is. She'll never be able to have children.

But most of all she hates that she can't hate him. Just like she could never bring herself to hate Sam.

-/Fifteen/-

Pain.

She's had enough of it to last a lifetime. Pain that cuts through her like a knife. Drowns her in a pit of despair. Inescapable. Because once again, she's trapped. Always wanting what she can never have.

The imprint is beautiful. She's seen her before. Why does she have everything? The parents who love her; the man who she will grow up to love. He already loves her. More than she will ever know.

But she doesn't want to complain. She doesn't want to let it out, because everyone will know. How she really feels. And so it's back to that tough exterior again. Back to that unrecognizable girl in the mirror. Back to the piteous glances and thoughts, and another set of eyes that will mock her.

Because she obviously wasn't good enough.

Because she made the mistake of falling again.

-/Sixteen/-

She sees him smile at the imprint. Her smile. The one piece of him she thought would be hers to keep, gone.

The final straw.

She's sick and tired of everything.

So she runs.

It's the only thing left that she can do.


A/N: Well, it's my first Twilight fanfic ever. Leah also happens to be one of my favourite characters, so this is pretty much the product of my love for Leah and love of angst. So I guess not exactly the happiest story ever, huh? Ah, I'm planning on writing a nice happy one for Leah, so if you're sad, don't be sad. I like this mostly. Originally I hadn't broken it all up, but somehow it ended up that way, and I just went along with it. This is also my longest fiction so far. Hope you enjoy! And please feel free to review if you want to.