Author's Note: A while back I posted "Little House in Hogsmeade" and promised to follow up with "The Weasley Bunch" I may be slow but I do like to keep my
THE WEASLEY BUNCH
(Cue music and nine moderate to bad singers...)
Here's the Story
Of a gal named Molly
who was bringing up three very uptight boys
All three of them had good marks or were prefects
And two were made Head Boy.
Here's the Story
Of a guy named Arthur
Who was bringing up three pranksters and one nerd.
By the way there also was a sister
just younger than the nerd!
Well, one day Art and Molly, they met At Hogwarts
Said she, "your boys are silly and are dunces."
"And yours", said he, "could lighten up some!"
That's the way they all became the Weasley Bunch!
The Weasley Bunch!
The Weasley Bunch!
That's the way we all became the Weasley Bunch!
[Cue stock shot of a house whose exterior doesn't match the set of the interior camera switches to almost immediately
Da da da-dum ba-da-dat da-dum ....
Fade into shot of large 70's style room whose poor use of space must have been considered "modern." Molly Weasley sits on the couch at one end, knitting. Across a vast space of nothingness, there is a dining room table being set by Winky the House elf who is dressed on an unflattering blue uniform with a white apron and white nurses shoes..
Suddenly, there is a racket and all seven Weasley children come in from school... pick a door at random, they always do...]
MOLLY: Children! Did you wear those hideous clothes to school?
RON: Aw, comon' Mom, these polyester threads are groovy.
OTHER KIDS: Yeah, these are the latest.
MOLLY: What does your father say about trusting something when you can't see its brain?
KIDS: (Flatly, by rote) Don't trust it.
MOLLY: Right, then. If you can tell me where YOU see the fashion editor of "Teen Sorceress" keeps her brain, let me know. Now go take that stuff off, you look worse than the house elf
WINKY: (in an undertone) Spill a couple of butterbeers down your front...
MOLLY: So how was school today, children?
CHARLIE: It was totally groovy, I was picked as Captain of the Quidditch Team
BILL: And I was made Head Boy
PERCY: And I was made a prefect
FRED/GEO. We made twenty two new friends.
MOLLY: My goodness, you boys certainly are busy! How about you Ron?
RON: Er, ah, well... Scabbers bit Goyle...
GINNY: And Harry was made seeker on the Quidditch team. Harry is the youngest player on a house team in over a century. Harry caught Neville's remember-all after if fell fifty feet. You know Harry has that dreamy scar and Harry-
RON: (Interuppting) HARRY! HARRY! HARRY! That's all I every hear: HARRY! (Ron runs up the stairs)
GEORGE: Who stuck a wand up his A**?
FRED: Dunno, but they did a right good job.
ARTHUR: (entering through patio) Boys! Is that any way to speak about your brother? And If I hear that sort of language again you'll both be grounded! No Celestina Warbeck concert!
F & G: Sorry Dad, I guess we weren't thinking.
MOLLY: Art, you'd better go up and talk to Ron.
ARTHUR: Again? And they say Percy's the one with the wand up- (coughs) Ah, yes, of course!
WINKY: Well, kids, there are pumpkin cookies, pumpkin juice, and some pumpkin slices in the kitchen for you.
WINKY: Ooo, that must be Dobby the butcher. (primps a bit) I'll get it!
THE KIDS FOLLOW HER TOWARD KITCHEN, EXCEPT GINNY
GINNY: Mom, can I ask you a question?
MOLLY: Of course, dear, you know you can ask me anything.
GINNY: Well, Mom, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?
MOLLY: Except that. You can't ask me that. I'm sorry dear, but the author has already got too many cliches as it is...
GINNY: Okay. In that case, do you know how I can get Davey Jones to be my Yule Ball date?
GINNY: Davey Jones, he's this dreamy groovy singer with the MONKEES.
MOLLY: Well, dear, it's natural to have crushes on celebrities like rock and roll singers. But I don't think Davey Jones would make a good Yule Ball date.
GINNY: I guess it is silly to think a big star like him would go with me, huh?
MOLLY: Well, dear, he's not exactly a big star. But the main problem is that he must be in his fifties by now. Don't you think that's a little old for you?
GINNY: But all half the fanfiction writers have students snogging Professor Snape and he's ancient compared to us!
MOLLY: If half the fanfiction writers jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge would you do it too?
GINNY: (Uncertain) Well, I guess not...
MOLLY: I think Davey Jones is too old for you but this is fanfiction so it's your decision. Still, if you're thinking of taking a seventies teen idol why not go with Donny Osmond, he's held up much better.
GINNY: Gee, Mom, that's a terrific idea, I'm going to go call him right now!
CUT TO KITCHEN WHERE THE BOYS HAVE FINISHED THEIR SNACK
CHARLIE: Comon' guys, lets go out to the fake backyard and pretend it's fun tossing a football back and forth over about six feet!
B, P, F & G: Outta sight! Let's go!
CUT TO BACK YARD WHERE BOYS ARE TOSSING THE BALL. HERMIONE GRANGER WALKS UP DRIVEWAY..
HERMIONE: Hi, guys, I just came over to- (football hits her in face) ooohhh! My nose, my nose!!!!!
FRED: That had to hurt.
GEORGE: Well, if it swells it might balance out the front teeth.
MOLLY and ARTHUR COME RUNNING OUT AND PUT HERMIONE IN THE STATION WAGON.
PERCY: See, Bill, that's what you get for using an improper grip. It clearly says in the football manual-
BILL: Put a sock in it, Perce, or I'll sick a Goblin on you.
GINNY and RON come wandering out.
RON: Where'd everyone go?
CHARLIE: Hermione got a football in the schnoz and Mom and Dad took her to the doctor to get a little white piece of tape to put over it.
RON: See? Even Hermione gets more attention than me.
GINNY: Aw, comon' Ron, that's not true. (pauses) Well, it kind of is but what can you do?
RON: I need to do something all my own, something that will get me attention!
GINNY: Like what?
RON: I know! I'll break a world record!
WINKY: (looking out patio door and mumbling under her breath) He already has one for biggest whining prat...
GINNY: What kind of world record could you break?
RON: Teeter-totter, you know, See-Saw!
GINNY: No I don't see a saw! What's that got to do with the tea-thingy?
RON: (Taking Ginny's arm and pulling her toward the swing set) Aw, just come here and help me!
RON and GINNY begin see-sawing.... or teeter-tottering depending on your taste.
R & G: We can't come in, we're breaking the teeter-totter record!
WINKY: But I made your favorites: Pumpkin Souffle, mashed pumpkin, steamed pumpkin Julienne, and Pumpkin pie for dessert!
RON: Wow, we never have Pumpkin! Forget the record, lets eat!
CUT TO DINING ROOM WHERE KIDS ARE ALL SEATED AS ART AND MOLLY COME IN
ART: Hey, goovy, just in time for dinner.
BILL: Hey, what happned to Hermione?
MOLLY: (sighs) Well, her nose is about the size of a galleon so she'll have to give up playing the part of Morgan Le Fey in the school play.
GINNY: Weren't you going to take that away from her anyway for becoming a snotty conceited prima donna?
MOLLY: Well, yes, but not I don't have to deal with a temper tantrum.
ARTHUR: Say, kids, You'll never guess what Winky has been hoarding in a kitchen drawer for years!
KIDS: What? What? What could it be? No, What? Dad tell us!
MOLLY: Dear, what is it?
ARTHUR: S&H Sorcerers Green Stamps!
PERCY: Say, isn't the redemption center closing for good tonight at eleven O'clock?
ARTHUR: Why, yes, son. As it happens this is the last night would could ever possibly redeem our Green Stamps for a nifty prize. So, what should we get?
M's KIDS: Hogwarts: A History! Hogwarts: A History!
A's KIDS: A lifetime supply of chocolate frogs! Chocolate frogs!
MOLLY: Oh dear, how do we settle this?
WINKY: (In an undertone) How about by asking the person who collected the damn things in the first place, eh?
CHARLIE: Some sort of a contest, but what?
F & G: Exploding Snap!
PERCY: That would never work!
ARTHUR: Maybe not, Perce, but how about we divide you kids into two teams to build a house of cards. Each team adds a card in turn and whoever knocks it over loses.
KIDS: Swell, that sounds so fair and sensible, Dad!
FOR NO APPARENT REASON, THE KIDS ALL RUN UPSTAIRS TO DRESS UP IN THEIR SUNDAY BEST. WHEN THEY RETURN A RICKETY
CARD TABLE HAS BEEN SET UP IN THE VAST EMPTY AREA BETWEEN LIVING ROOM AND DINING ROOM.
BILL: (With a dubious look at the card table) Ah, Dad, wouldn't using the nice, stable, Dining Room table be a better idea? It's right over there.
ARTHUR: Don't be stupid, the camera angle is much better with the card table.
THE TEAMS START BUILDING A CARD HOUSE WITH EXPLODING SNAP CARDS. CUT TO SHOT OF CLOCK WITH SPINNING HANDS AND BACK TO CARD TABLE WHICH NOW HAS A VAST STRUCTURE MADE FROM EXPLODING SNAP CARDS UPON IT.
GINNY REACHES OVER VERY CAREFULLY TO PLACE A CARD, HER CHARM BRACELET COMING DANGEROUSLY CLOSE TO KNOCKING
OVER THE HOUSE.
RON: It doesn't count if her bracelet knocks it over does it?
PERCY: Everything counts. If your team knocks it over you lose, no matter why.
GINNY SETS HER CARD WITHOUT KNOCKING THE HOUSE OVER AND PERCY BEGINS HIS TURN. JUST AS HE IS HOLDING HIS CARD
ABOVE THE HOUSE, WINKY COMES RUNNING IN PURSUED CLOSELY BY DOBBY.
WINKY: OOOOOH, Dobby is naughty elf!
DOBBY: So is Winky when I am finishing!
THE ELVES CAREEN INTO PERCY WHO FALLS FORWARD INTO THE CARD HOUSE AND TABLE KNOCKING THEM OVER SPECTACULARLY
AND CAUSING MOST OF THE CARDS TO EXPLODE IN HIS FACE.
WINKY: Oh, bad luck that. (SHE AND DOBBY EXIT)
PERCY: (Covered with soot and coughing) That doesn't count! Winky and Dobby knocked me over!
RON, F & G: Sorry, Percy, you said ANYTHING no matter what!
GINNY: Oh, no, look at the time! Dad, we've got to hurry the store closes any minute now!
CUT TO EXTERIOR OF STORE WITH BIG "CLOSED" SIGN. SANITATION ENGINEER CAN BE SEEN WAVING A WAND ABOUT INSIDE.
ARTHUR AND HIS KIDS GO RUNNING UP AND BEGIN TO KNOCK ON THE GLASS. THE JANIT- ER, SANITATION ENGINEER COMES OVER.
ARTHUR & KIDS: Please let us in, oh please! (they babble on about the card table contest and such)
S.E. Look, I'm the Janitor, I can't hand out premiums
GINNY: (trying to look adorable and using a lisp) Oh, pretty, pretty please mister! Pretty please with sugar on top?
S.E. (Rolling his eyes and gagging a bit) Fine!
CUT TO LIVING ROOM WHERE MOLLY'S DEJECTED KIDS SIT WAITING FOR THE TRIUMPHANT STEP-SIBLINGS TO RETURN. THEY ALL
COME THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A LARGE BOX.
RON: Wait until you see, wait until you see!
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah, what a thrill that will be!
ARTHUR: Now, Charlie, I know you're disappointed, but they won fair and square. It's only right to be happy for them. How would you feel of your brothers and sister refused to be happy for you?
CHARLIE: Gee, Dad, I never thought of it that way. I'm sorry. Let's see your frogs.
GIGGLING, THE 4 KIDS REACH INTO THE BOX AND TAKE OUT A VERY LARGE VIVID BLUE BROOM.
MOLLY: A Bluebottle!
BILL: A broom? I thought you were getting Chocolate Frogs!
FRED: We were, but then we looked over and saw a copy of Hogwarts: A History and we felt very sorry for you losers.
GEORGE: So we decided to get something the whole family could enjoy!
"CANNED" AUDIENCE: Awwwwwww!
EVERYONE STEPS FORWARD TO HUG AND ADMIRE THE BROOM AS WE FADE OUT TO THE THEME MUSIC.
HARRY POTTER: (Barging onto screen) Hey! Wait a gosh darned minute! I didn't have any lines! I'm the star of this franchise! Somebody call my agent!
GINNY: Oops, sorry Harry! Wait, we haven't shot the most exciting scene of all.
RON: Yeah, we've got this old west museum trip planned for tomorrow's shooting. We're going to see Jesse James' jail cell.
GINNY: You have a big part where you give a speech from the cell.
RON: Yeah, come on over here to the jail cell and we can rehearse.
HARRY: (Walking into the cell) Now this is more like it!
RON: Oops, forgot my wand. Can I borrow yours, Harry?
HARRY: (Hands him wand absentmindedly as he smooths hair) Sure.
RON AND GINNY CLOSE CELL DOOR AND LOCK IT WALKING AWAY WITH HARRY'S WAND.
HARRY: (Muffled and distant) Hey! Hey! Get back here or I'll call McGonagall! Hey!
GINNY: Do you think that was a little devious?
RON: Gee, Ginny, I never thought of it that way. Besides, it was that or go out and buy a black wig.