I mused as I watched her sleep in the curl of my arms, her head resting on my bicep. Her usual serene face was twisted slightly at the brow and it hurt me deeper than any physical pain that I, however indirectly, had made her dreams so…troubled. She swore it didn't hurt, but now as I gazed at the gauze encasing her lower arm, the wound, only a shadow below the white, looked larger than before, a growing, gaping, ugly mark on her otherwise flawless flesh.
I loved her more than I had ever expected life could allow, of that I was certain, but was being here, loving her…was it better for her? She assured me often enough how much she cared for me and I believed her, oh how I wished to believe her every word, but even if she still wanted me, was it the best, the safest, the healthiest option for her? There was no doubt that I was dangerous; I couldn't deny that no matter how hard I tried.
Then I only had one choice…
Could I physically leave Bella? I could if I tried…Perhaps I couldn't have days ago but my own brother had tried to kill her at her eighteenth birthday party. And the fact was that it was me, however indirectly, that had made her go to that birthday party. I had persuaded her to go. I was the one she loved, that had introduced her to my family, had introduced her to danger…and death.
I didn't want to leave her, nor did I want to stay and risk her safety.
So many decisions, so little time to make them…
If only I was mortal, if only I was warm and soft and safe… But then if I were human I would never have met her…
Then there was Alice's option; change her.
Could I risk my angel's mortality, her innocence, her light? I couldn't.
Would she get over me? I daresay she would…But would I get over her? Never.
I could live with loving her from afar, revelling in the fact that she was happy.
Then that was that. I was leaving her.
If Bella believed all the times I had proclaimed my love, then she would know, she would have to know that I would not want to leave her for anything. Every time she looked into my eyes, could she not see the warmth and the love for her? If she could, why would she believe me?
I knew I was a reasonably good actor, but I would need to think of my agony if she did think that I didn't love her.
Even now it pains me to think it.
I would have to blank myself out, put on a pokerface to make her believe me. Even so, it was a risk, would she believe me?
I hoped so…for her sake…
Okay just another one-shot!
Gonna keep this short so thanks to my beta Mizz-Emz, thanks for reading and please review if you have time!
lots of love and cuddles