About three things I was absolutely certain: One, Edward left me. I didn't know if he was telling the truth when he told me he didn't love me anymore, but that didn't really matter to me. He was gone no matter what the truth was. Two, I was, and always would be, in love with Edward Cullen. He was my oxygen. Third, the inevitable truth was, I could not live without him. I tried. That day in the forest it felt like half of my soul had evaporated. An invisible knife severed my heart. I was broken, paralyzed, unable to move from that spot in the forest, staring up at the green trees with a blank expression. It was raining, so I knew that my tears were beautifully camouflaged. I didn't care, though. I didn't plan on pretending that I wasn't heartbroken. I didn't plan on pretending that I wasn't already dead; that there was hope left; that life could actually mean anything without Edward Cullen in my arms.
I vaguely remember Sam Uley finding me and bringing me back to my father, Chief Charlie Swan. He tried to talk to me, but I didn't answer. For days, for weeks, I refused to talk. I refused to let go of Edward, my only love. Except for the fact that he had gotten bored of me. He didn't love me. I was alone in this huge, gray world. I started to cut myself. It helped, a little bit, but not for the usual reasons. Don't give me any of that self-help book shit: don't tell me, "Oh, honey, I know you just want to drown the emotional pain in physical pain. We understand, honey." Don't give me any of that shit, because believe me, I am not a sucker for pain. I guess I'm just a masochist. He always said that he was.
But my blood is the only thing I can hold onto. Cut myself with the razor I hide in my leather-bound journal, and then stare at the blood flowing down my pale flesh and watch relief flow over my mind. At least there is one thing about me that would still be appealing to Edward. I knew it was sick, to think like that, but I couldn't help myself. I needed to be near Edward. I needed to remember. I couldn't let the memories slip away, lost in time, like tears in rain.
I saved it. Whenever I cut myself with that shiny piece of metal, I let the blood slide into small glass jars that I collected at the grocery store that I worked at. I didn't know why I saved it. Maybe I deluded myself into thinking that one day, he would come back. The sane part of me knew that he wouldn't. The sane part of me, which wasn't much of me, these days, couldn't even stand the agony that the rest of me put her in every day. She didn't even try to stop me when I decided to plan to kill myself.
Let me tell you, though, it didn't go exactly as planned. For one thing, I didn't exactly account Victoria, my arch-enemy (well, the Cullens' arch-enemy, but whatever) in my plans. What was my plan exactly? That's simple: slit my wrists and then jump off a cliff, landing head first.
I didn't bother to leave a note. I thought that would be just too pathetic. Let them wonder. Or, better yet: let them think it was an accident, or that a bear or something to that extent attacked me. Whatever. I was in pain, but I wasn't a heartless beast. I knew it would hurt Charlie and Jacob more if he knew that I killed myself….that I chose death.
It was a rainy day, the day I chose to kill myself. It was cloudy. I slit my wrists, forcing myself to smile as my blood slipped from my wrists. I watched the droplets fall into the river below me, and, without thinking, before I had a chance to chicken out, I jumped.
You could say my timing was incredible horrible, or incredible lucky, whichever way you chose to look at it. For now, let's just go with incredible horrible.
I vaguely heard a sharp voice say, "You think you can get away so easy, huh? Well, I'll make you suffer." I saw a flash or red, curly hair. I felt something sharp sink into my neck, and almost as soon as it happened, the burning started.
I don't remember much about my transformation, except for the fact that it was extremely painful, except that I didn't really mind the physical pain due to months of cutting. No, the physical pain was nothing compared to the agony of knowing I would have to spend an eternity without Edward.
The three days were unbearable, but just like anything that is unbearable, eventually, they ended. I was handed a blank slate, and although I had all of my memories and all of my misery, I didn't so much feel like I was drowning in it anymore. I deluded myself. It took a couple of weeks of starving myself (drinking blood would remind me of…him… too much) to realize that I the pain wouldn't just go away. But I could drown the pain. I could find a way to be numb.
I didn't join a coven. The idea of living with any vampires that weren't the Cullens just hurt too much. Besides, the only way to stay numb was to not do anything that reminded me of Edward. That was almost impossible, seeing as I was the same species as him, and I had to live off the same…
I remember thinking, 'Wait a minute….' Not necessarily the same. Not the same. I didn't have to follow his diet. At the time, I was almost completely insane (that's what happens after going for months without oxygen). I wasn't thinking about myself, I wasn't thinking about Charlie, and I certainly wasn't thinking about humanity or morals or any of that shit. I was merely trying to survive. Yes, I drank human blood. So fucking what.
I never stayed in any city too long. I didn't own a house; in fact, I didn't plan to settle down. I spent my nights wandering around in the forest. I wasn't afraid; I was one of the most dangerous creatures by a long shot. Eventually, though, my nomadic life style wasn't enough. I needed something to stay sane. Something, anything.
One day while I was wandering, I came across a scent that I recognized to be vampire. A pale girl with long red hair and ruby eyes; a tall pale boy with bleach blond hair. I remember them asking me if I wanted to join their coven; I must of said yes, because here I am, 200 years later, in some strangers' house (they were still strangers to me even though I knew them better than night and day. They weren't my family. They were my coven, maybe even my friends. But not my family.) sitting in the living room staring blankly that a TV screen that meant nothing to me.
I might as well introduce them. The redhead's Kelsey Lear, and her power is that she can turn invisible. The tall blond's name is Harold Lear. Besides Kelsey and Harold, there are two others. Their story is a strange one, but I find it very much to my liking. Their names are Ileana and Jedson Carson, and in their human lives, they were biological siblings (well, twins, actually). As humans, they had this fatal attraction (similar to erroneous imprinting, I guess) that they masochistically denied. They were in love with each other, and they were meant to be together forever, but there was a mistake when they were born and, tada, they were born as siblings. For a while they had tried to be together, but it had been getting harder and harder to keep their secret a secret, so they went back to denying their feelings and living in pain. But it wasn't a taboo anymore. Now they were vampires, and the only reason brothers and sisters weren't allowed to fall in love had been murdered. Now, Ileana could never have children. Fine with her. Fine, her heart wasn't beating, so fucking what. It had never been more alive. Now, Ileana and Jedson were together. They had each other for an eternity, so lucky.
I'm wish I could be all sarcastic and jealous and hate them for what they have, especially because it reminds me of what I used to have with Ed…him. But I couldn't. They were my friends, and they had a hard life, and I loved them.
As for me, I have two powers. Well, three, if you count the fact that I am a shield, but I don't since I practically had that when I was human. I can control the elements, and I can control minds. I find it kind of funny that my power turned out to be kind of like the opposite of his. Oh the irony.
Anyways, we had to move because the twins messed up and almost exposed us for who they were. I was wild, but even I was tame compared to the twins. We ended up back in Forks, Washington. I hadn't told them anything about my past, so I guess it was just fate or something that kept bringing me to Forks.
This would be my seventh time attending high school (it could have been my twentieth, or something like that, but I decided to complete the cycle and go to college afterwards each time). I somehow always ended up being labeled as the Goth girl. I didn't mind. I didn't give a shit what anybody thought about me. At school I usually wore black clothes (Ileana usually convinced me to actually make an effort and try to look nice, which wasn't really that hard with my vampire looks. I would rather just wear black T-shirts and sweatpants, but Ileana made me at least wear a black skirt and some make up. After a century I decided that I might as well wear make-up: black eyeliner and freaky Goth clothing was my new best friend. My hair was dark brown, but I used temporary hair dye to dye it black. I wore colored contacts to hide my ruby eyes. It looked like I had blue eyes.
I was okay with the whole high school thing.
That is, until I found out that they were back in Forks….