A RangeMan Christmas
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Janet Evanovich. I just borrowed them for some Christmas cheer.
A/N: Thank you, Stayce, for your encouragement, your editing, and your wonderfully twisted sense of humor. You're the best Babe!
Warning: Keep in mind the characters in this short are men. Therefore, there is profanity and somewhat…hmmm…crude content/behavior ahead!
This is a little something I wrote for BCRUS. I just thought I'd share.
Christmas Eve at RangeMan
"Deck the Halls is not the greatest Christmas song ever. Deck the Halls is a stupid ass song." Bobby Brown and Lester Santos were sitting in their cubbies. It was Christmas Eve, and in order to keep the men from fighting over who got the holiday off, each RangeMan employee was scheduled to work a shift. Unfortunately, just like every Christmas Eve, there was nothing going on. Boredom was the norm, and the quiet had become too much for the Merry Men of RangeMan LLC.
"It is not a stupid song, Bobby. It's a happy song. " Lester's voice was filled with insult.
"It's a gay song."
"Deck the Halls is not a gay song! How can you say that? I think that's blasphemous. You better go to mass tonight."
"Hey, I just call 'em as I hear 'em. 'Don we now our gay apparel.'"
"That's gay as in happy, Dumb-ass."
"Bullshit. If they meant happy, they would have said happy. But they didn't, did they? No, they said gay."
"You are dumber than a brick."
"You're just pissed because I'm right." Bobby was grinning as he broke into song. "Deck my balls with lots of honeys." He reached down and grabbed his crotch. "Fa la la la la, la la la la."
"Fuck you. You're a pig. Anyway, it's better than your favorite Christmas song. Please!" At Lester's snort, Bobby leaned forward in his chair.
"Hey, Jingle Bell Rock rocks! That is one catchy-ass tune."
"Man, you are such a loser. And talk about gay songs. Have you ever listened to the words? Huh? Huh, smart guy? Have you?" Without giving Bobby a chance to answer, Lester began singing in a high-pitched voice:
"You will get a sentimental feeling when you hear, voices singing let's be jolly…" Now Lester stopped and cleared his voice pointedly before continuing. "…Deck the Halls with boughs of holly." Bobby's face was turning red, but Lester wasn't done yet. He got up and started wiggling his hips and swaying side to side. He lifted his arms and was flipping his hands around, wrists limp.
"Everyone's dancing merrily, in the new old fashioned way." Lester bowed as Vince, Zero and Junior began applauding. He turned back to Bobby, not quite finished making his point.
"Please! What is up with 'new old fashioned way'? I mean, it's either new or it's old. And who the fuck ever dances around merrily? That's some dumb shit right there." Looking for reinforcements, Lester honed in on Zero who was fighting off a smile and pretending to read the computer screen in front of him.
"Zero, dude, tell this dumb-ass how stupid that song is."
Zero shook his head. "Leave me out of this, man."
"I've seen your lame ass dancing merrily after a little too much Christmas cheer, Les."
"Now, see, Bobby, why'd you have to go there? This here was a friendly conversation, and you had to go and get all ignorant."
"I'm just saying. Right, Cal?" Bobby and Lester stared at each other before turning toward Cal. Cal refused to look at them, but he held up his hand and shook his head without saying a word.
Lester got up and walked over, glaring down at Bobby, just as Ranger walked in. Ranger took one look, sized up the situation, and turned to Tank. "Those two going at it again?"
"Yep, every Christmas. Santos is more prepared this time. He must have Googled song lyrics. He's doing better this year." At the sound of Ranger's voice, both men in question turned.
"Hey, boss, what's the best Christmas song ever?" At Bobby's question, Ranger turned to both men with cool eyes and a blank face. He waited until they started to squirm before answering.
"Personally, I like the Twelve Days of Christmas. That's where I get to fire a different employee every day for twelve straight days, as a present to myself, and not feel guilty about it." When the rest of the men in the office started hooting and hollering, Lester laughed and went back to sit behind his desk.
Ranger turned to walk to his office, and Bobby smirked at his back. "Fine, but I get the nine ladies dancing."
Vince slid out of his cubby into the aisle. "I call eight maids a milking, 'cause I've got something they can milk."
"Shit, Man, the song doesn't include a magnifying glass and tweezers. Those damn maids are going to be confused."
"Fuck you, Lester."
Hector strolled through into the comm area shaking his head as everyone except Vince continued laughing. Vince was frowning at Lester. "Well, Santos, I guess that leaves you Ten Lords-a-leaping."
"Mine." Hector contradicted. He walked by, dropped a file in the out box and looked at Vince before strolling back out.
Bobby looked at Lester, "Don't worry, you can still have Eleven Pipers piping and Twelve Drummers drumming."
The door opened and Hector popped his head back in. "No, he can't. They're mine, too." Laughter erupted.
"Slut!" Junior yelled at Hector as the door shut behind him once again.
Bobby swiveled in his chair and looked over at the clock on the wall. Shit, he was running out of arguments, and they still had thirty minutes to go before end of shift. He was bored, bored, bored.
"Hey, Cal, what's the best Christmas song ever?"
"Oh, for Christ's sake." Cal looked over at Bobby and gave him a disgusted look.
"Actually, I don't think that qualifies as a Christmas song. Now, there is O' Holy Night."
"Dumb-asses." Cal got up and walked out, not willing to get caught up in the stupidity.
"I know! I've got it! Fe—" Lester began.
"DON'T YOU DARE!!!" Bobby's shout had Hal jumping in his seat.
"LESTER, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
"That is the dumbest song ever. I HATE that fucking song. That song gets in your head, and it won't go away. I swear it's like some subliminal shit. Next thing you know you're singing some fucking words you don't even know what the fuck they mean, and so you end up singing the same two fucking words over and over and over in your head all fucking day. And do you know what? When I go to bed, I still hear that fucking song. Lester, I swear to Sweet Little Baby Jesus, if that song gets stuck in my head tonight, I'm going to crawl out of bed, drag you into the gym and kick your sorry ass."
"Yeah, right. I'll be roasting your chestnuts over an open fire."
"Yeah? Well, I'll be jingling your bells and laughing all the way."
"You are such a freaking dork."
Lester grinned at Bobby before motioning across the room. "Tank, what's your favorite Christmas song?"
"Silent Night. Now, all of you shut the fuck up so I can have one!"
"Grinch!" Bobby and Lester muttered at the same time. "HEY!!"
Lester's face went bright. "That is the best friggin' Christmas song ever, man!"
"Oh, yeah. Shit, dude, I can't believe we forgot that one!" Both men started singing, and within seconds the whole 5th floor of RangerMan LLC had joined in, with the exception of Hal and Tank.
"You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch. You really are a heel. You're as cuddly as a cactus. You're as charming as an eel, Mr. Grinch..." Tank finally gave up and put his head in his hands. A minute later, the voices got louder, and he slid his fingers down to plug his ears.
"You're a foul one, Mr. Grinch. You're a nasty wasty skunk. You're heart is full of unwashed socks; your soul is full of gunk, . The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote…"The men were shouting now. Bobby and Lester were standing with Vince. Grinning at each other, they walked over to stand behind Tank…
"STINK, STANK, STUNK!" Finishing with a flourish, the three men leaned against each other laughing.
Tank spun around in his chair, pulled his gun out of the holster on his hip, and pointed it at them. "GET OUT!!!"
Bobby and Lester were laughing so hard they stumbled down the hall.
Lester slung his arm around Bobby's shoulders in a show of camaraderie. "Man, I'm sorry for calling you a dumb-ass."
"No problem, buddy. Sorry for calling you a stupid fucker with no taste."
Lester pulled his arm back. "Hey, you didn't call me that."
Bobby laughed. "No, but I thought it."
As the two men opened the door to the stairwell, Hal finally lifted his head and looked at them. When the door had clicked quietly behind them he let himself grin.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night." He shook his head. "Dumb-asses."
Christmas Night – Back at RangeMan
"You know, the only reason you like that song is because it's in that Christmas Story movie you make us watch every year." Lester looked over at Bobby's comment. The guy just couldn't let it go.
"That movie is a classic."
"You only like it because that dumb-ass white boy sticks his stupid tongue on the damn pole and gets stuck."
"Hell, yeah, that's the best part."
"Tell you what, my man, ain't no black boy ever going to do no dumb shit like that." When Lester just laughed, refusing to rise to the bait, Bobby shook his head. "You know that wouldn't really happen, right?"
"Sure it would."
"No, it wouldn't. Damn, man, you believe everything you see on t.v."
"How would you know? Besides, I had a friend in school. He says his brother and his friends tried it, and sure enough, this one guy got his tongue stuck on the pole."
"Santos, you are full of shit. You're just making that up."
"All right, Mr. Big Shot. Let's go. I dare you." Bobby blinked. "Yeah, that's what I thought. All talk and no action."
"It isn't even cold enough outside to try it."
"Bullshit. The weatherman said it was down to 27 degrees out there." Lester said, calling his bluff.
Hal took his attention away from the television long enough to mutter, "The freezing point is 32 degrees."
"Yeah, no shit, Einstein." Bobby was sure he was right, but he didn't want to be the one stupid enough to test the theory. He looked over at Hal before exchanging a maniacal grin with Lester.
Hal, Bobby, Lester, Zero and Vince stood around the flagpole outside of the building on Haywood.
"I'm not gonna do it." Hal remained stubbornly adamant.
"Come on, Hal. We dared you. Hell, we triple-dog-dared you." Lester was shifting from one foot to another, partly from the cold and partly from excitement.
"I don't care. I'm not doing it. No way. We're not kids."
Lester thought about that for a minute. "You're right. We need to up the stakes. And Bobby's the one that said it wouldn't work. Okkaaaayy. Bobby, I dare you to put your dick on there."
"Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Lester rolled his eyes and looked at Vince. "I told you he's a puss."
"I am not a puss. And I'm not sticking my dick on that pole just to prove you wrong." Bobby's voice carried a trace of panic.
"Hey, you're the one that said it wouldn't work. If you're too chicken to prove yourself right, then you…are… a…puss." Bobby shut his mouth and crossed his arms over his chest. Lester snorted. "It will not work. Santos, you are full of shit. You believe everything you see on t.v." Lester stared Bobby down. "Sound familiar?"
"Fuck. Fine." In disgust, Bobby reached down and unzipped his pants. Two minutes later they were all staring at his dick.
"Ha!" Bobby said, wagging his manhood around. "I told you it wouldn't work. So there! Take that, Santos."
"I think it has to be wet."
Hal scratched his head and shuffled his feet. "Maybe it has to be wet. You know? Like your tongue? I think it sticks because it's wet." All five men looked down.
Finally Bobby looked up at Lester's face. "Well?"
"Well what?" Lester's voice squeaked a little, and Bobby used his free hand to motion toward his crotch.
Lester mimicked the gesture. "What is that?" He made the gesture again. "Just what the fuck does that mean?"
"Hal thinks it needs to be wet."
"Fuck you, Bobby. I ain't – I'm not – Fuck you."
"Where's Hector when you need him?" Vince laughed.
"Well, I sure as hell can't lick it myself. If I could, I'd never leave my room."
"Well, I ain't gonna lick it." Lester said.
"I ain't going to lick it." Vince took a step back.
"Not me." Hal looked like he was ready to run for it.
"No fucking way." Zero put his hand on the gun at his side.
Hal's face lit up with an idea. "Maybe, um, someone could spit on it."
Lester slapped Hal on the back. "There you go, Bobby! Spit on it."
"Now how the hell am I supposed to –"
"Spit on your hand, and –" Vince gave up. He bent over and put his hands on his legs. He was laughing so hard his knees were weak.
Bobby took a step forward and turned toward Vince's lowered head. "Here, while you're down there, spit." Vince straightened and stepped back so quickly he tripped over the curb.
"Stay the hell away from me, Brown."
"Well, now what are we going to do? YEEOWWW!!" Bobby sucked in breath and yowled. "Whattamudderfuck?! Holy shit! Son of a bitch!" Filth came spewing from his mouth in a rapid, steady stream. He ran in circles, hands crossed over his crotch.
Meanwhile three sets of eyes turned to Hal.
"Wellll, snowballs are wet. I was only trying to help. After all, Lester wasn't doing anything." Now all eyes turned to Lester.
"I AM NOT going to lick Bobby's dick, Hal. I AM NOT going to spit on it either."
Bobby had stopped jumping around, but his breathing was shallow and his expression was pained as he walked back over to the rest of the men. "You won't have to. Dead Eye Hal there has good aim. It's wet. Now stand aside, 'cause I'm freezing my stuff off here. I'm about to prove to all you morons how fucking stupid Santos is and that you can't believe everything you see on t.v."
Oscillating lights filled the neighborhood. The pretty red lights from the fire truck twinkled over the scene like the brightest of Christmas bulbs, the flickers of camera flashes a cheerful backdrop.
Tank walked over to Ranger. He had to raise his voice to be heard over the sounds of laughter and jeers. "You know, a glass of warm water would have worked."
Expression bland, Ranger continued looking straight ahead. "I know."
"This is going to be on the front page of the Trenton Times tomorrow."
"It's really too bad that Hal didn't dry his hands off after throwing that snowball. Especially since he was the only one nice enough to try to help Bobby get hisself loose."
"I know." Ranger's eyes crinkled at the corners as he watched Stephanie and Lula aim their camera phones at a humiliated Bobby and Hal who were still stuck to the flagpole.
"You're a mean bastard, Boss." Tank watched Ranger's mouth tip up into a slight smile. His gaze left Ranger's face to travel from the scene in front of them up to the window of Ranger's 7th floor apartment. "Don't suppose you know who called 911 before they could get themselves out of this mess on their own?"
Ranger's face lit up with a full 200-watt smile. "Oh, yes, I know." He started walking toward the blue-eyed brunette who was currently doubled over in laughter.
Tank stood where he was as paramedics and firefighters worked to move the crowd back and away from the flagpole. He looked at Bobby and Hal and shook his head. "Dumb-asses."
~ the end ~