A RangeMan Christmas
Grandma Mazur Lends a Hand
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Janet Evanovich. I just borrowed them for some Christmas cheer.
A/N: Thank you, Stayce, for your encouragement, your editing, and your wonderfully twisted sense of humor. You're the best, Babe! Thank you Kashy for encouraging me to continue writing and for making me feel so at home at BCRUS. Thank you, Lisa(Burggirl) and Kate, for your friendship and support. Thank all of you who took time to read and review A RangeMan Christmas.
And a special thank you to Steph for requesting and inspiring this chapter!
Warning: Keep in mind the characters in this short are men and a spunky, little old woman. Therefore, there is somewhat…hmmm…interesting behavior ahead!
Christmas night at RangeMan
Ranger didn't bother telling anyone that he'd been laughing so hard before he'd dialed 911 that he had to lean against the wall and then sit down on the couch. He wasn't a stupid man. He knew that others saw him as stiff and unyielding, almost without humor. His training had taught him control. His life experiences had taught him to keep his emotions hidden, so as not to be used against him. But when one of your men got his penis frozen to a flagpole, training and experience went out the window.
Tank suspected that he'd called 911. Tank was one of the few people that knew he had the kind of sense of humor that hid under the surface. Tank didn't know that he'd placed another call first.
Ranger's eyes stayed on the blue-eyed brunette as he approached her. Her laughter rang louder and clearer than any of the others standing around outside of his company RangeMan LLC. Her laughter alone would have had him smiling even if Bobby and Hal's predicament hadn't beaten her to it. He crossed the parking lot and came up behind her. She was doubled over, and he reached out to put his hand on her back. Immediately Stephanie turned and fell against him, giggles making her weak enough that she melted against his body, allowing him to take her weight and hold her up.
He knew it was a rotten thing to do. Usually he preferred for him, his company, and his employees to fly under the radar, but the feel of Stephanie's body shaking with hysteria told him he'd made the right choice. Even if it was a spontaneous decision, and he normally avoided those like the plague. Besides, he told himself, the RangeMen of RangeMan LLC had spent many hours laughing at Stephanie's expense. It seemed only right that the tables occasionally be turned.
"Oh, God, Ranger, this is the best Christmas present ever!" He attempted to keep his body from responding when she wrapped her arms around him. She finally lifted her head, and there were tears of mirth sparkling in her beautiful blue eyes. It took every ounce of control for him to stop himself from covering her mouth with his in an attempt to taste her happiness.
"I'm going to owe you for this for the rest of my life." Ranger lifted a brow. When she would have moved back, he tightened his arms around her and shifted against her.
"I like that part." Ranger looked up as a shiny, black Mercedes slid to the curb, and smiled a 200-watt smile. He slid his warm fingers into the denim of her front pocket. Stephanie froze as his fingers stroked her through the material before pulling out her cell phone and handing it to her.
"You're going to need this, Babe."
"The show's not over yet. You might want to think about how much you're willing to owe me." He gently turned her in the direction of the Mercedes. They both watched as Cal angled out of the driver's seat and walked around to open the passenger door. Stephanie nearly choked on a gasping laugh as she saw her grandmother emerge.
She turned and beamed up at him. "Omigod, Ranger, Bobby's going to kill you!"
Ranger didn't look overly concerned. Right at that moment, with her eyes smiling into his, he would have run down Stark Street in a pair of running shorts without a weapon. "Others have tried, Babe."
Any response she would have had was forgotten as Grandma Mazur came hustling up next to them. "Esther Kenton called me. She heard about it from her granddaughter. She works as a dispatcher for 911. I was trying to get your dad to bring me when this nice young man came walking up to the door and offered me a ride. Did I miss anything?"
"Oh, no, mom knows about this?"
Grandma Mazur snorted out a laugh. "By now the whole Burg knows." Stephanie watched her grandmother stretch up on her tippy-toes and crane her neck. "How come we're way back here? I can't see nothin'."
"The police made us move back so the E.M.T.'s could work on them."
"Huh, that don't seem right." Grandma Mazur looked around. She spotted a man and a woman as they stepped out of the back of a rescue squad, and turned to Stephanie. "Hang on! I've got an idea."
Stephanie cringed and watched her grandmother hurry over to the young woman walking toward Bobby and Hal. Uh-oh. She started to step forward but was brought up short by Ranger's warm hand on the back of her neck.
Ranger leaned down until his mouth was against her ear. "Wait. I have a feeling this is going to be good, Babe." He moved the two of them closer so they could hear the conversation taking place in front of them.
Grandma Mazur was standing in front of the female E.M.T. "Are you a doctor? A nurse?"
"I'm an Emergency Medical Technician," the woman responded.
"Wow! Ain't that somethin'. I bet you see all kinds of interesting things. I always wanted to be an emergency medical technician."
"That's nice." The young woman, thinking escape, started to walk away. She didn't know Grandma Mazur.
"I don't suppose I could walk up there with you." Before the woman could politely brush her off Grandma Mazur gave her an innocent look. "Why, will you look at that, I plum forgot my manners. What's your name, young lady?"
"It's Melissa, ma'am, and I really don't think –"
"Oh, you don't have to call me ma'am. It's Edna."
"Edna, it's really not a good idea –"
"I always wanted to see a hero at work. That's what you are, you know? It takes a real hero to save people like you do."
"Oh, well, I'm not really."
"Yes, you are. And so nice. Why just look at you taking time to talk to a bothersome old woman like me. I bet you got a granny just like me. Stephanie, that's my granddaughter," Grandma Mazur pointed. "She won't let me go with her to work. She thinks because I'm in my golden years I'm a nuisance. I bet she'd put me in a home if she could, but my dear dear daughter Ellen won't let her." Grandma Mazur hung her head. Her shoulders lifted and fell in a loud sigh as the young E.M.T. looked over to give Stephanie a hot Burg glare. "Don't know what I'll do if Ellen moves on to the great Burg in the sky before I do, Melissa. I swear it's a misery being a burden on the young people of this world." With one last fuming glance in Stephanie's direction, the young woman put her arm around Grandma Mazur's shoulders.
"You're not a nuisance at all. Of course you can come with me." Stephanie stood in shock as her grandmother turned her head and smiled at her and Ranger, giving them a cheerful thumbs-up before moving past the police officers separating the gawking crowd from the flagpole.
Grandma Mazur walked up and looked from a horrified Bobby to an equally horrified Hal. "How come his hand's stuck next to your ding-a-ling? Are you two homosexuals? Aren't you both a pip? I used to think only homosexuals could have anal sex, but my granddaughter Stephanie says anyone with an anus can do it. I've got an anus. A good one too. It works and everything. Not everything does when you get to be my age.
"Oh, God," both men groaned.
She turned her attention to Bobby. "I always heard you black men had big ding-a-lings. That don't look so big to me."
Bobby gritted his teeth. "When it's cold out, a man's –" He stumbled to an embarrassed halt.
"Ding-a-ling?" Grandma Mazur asked helpfully.
"Pride and joyain't at its best."
Grandma Mazur reached a hand out and patted Bobby's arm. "That's okay. You're a nice looking boy. It's not your fault God made you a little stumpy down there."
"Oh, God, just strike me dead."
Grandma Mazur turned and looked at Melissa again. "How come you got your hand on his ding -- pride and joy?"
Melissa fought to hide a smile. "We're going to use a cup of warm water. We're going to pour it on his penis and the pole and then I'm going to gently pull to get it to let loose."
"Won't that warm water make him pee? I always heard warm water makes you pee your pants."
Melissa took a deep breath before answering. "That's when you stick someone's fingers in a cup of warm water."
"Huh, how about that. Well, he should be safe, 'cause that sure ain't no finger."
Melissa handed the cup of water to Bobby to hold. Not wanting to get her mittens wet, she took them off and shoved them into the pockets of her jacket. When she was done she took the cup back and began to pour with one hand as she took Bobby's penis gently into the other, slowly rubbing the warm water over him.
Grandma Mazur sucked in a breath. "Holy Mother of God! Stand back. It's growing!" Melissa's shoulders were shaking in silent laughter. The older woman didn't notice. Her eyes were wide and locked on the sight in front of her. "Would you look at that? Oops, I think we're gonna need a bigger cup."
Grandma Mazur was now bent over, her nose inches from Melissa's hand. "Here, maybe you should pour, and I'll help work this nice young man's ding-a-ling loose."
Bobby was leaning back, a look of pure torture on his face. "Someone get her away from me."
"Now that ain't nice. It's not like I'm an old pervert or anything. I just wanna help." Grandma Mazur forgot herself. She pushed the E.M.T.'s hand away and grabbed a hold of Bobby's pride and joy. A strangled sound came from Bobby as he closed his eyes and tilted his head back. "Well, lookie there, my hands must be really cold, 'cause there it goes. It's shrinking again."
"The hell with this. I'll do it myself." Bobby took a deep breath and yanked. "YEEOWWW!! Whattamudderfuck?! Holy shit! Son of a bitch!" He ran in circles, hands crossed over his crotch.
As the gathered crowd watched in fascination, Grandma Mazur was the only one not laughing. She walked over to Bobby, turning in circles, following his frantic movements around the front lawn. "Bet that hurt. Hey, maybe one of us ought to hold an icepack on it for you."
Bobby came to a sudden stop. "Get away from me you crazy, old broad." He stumbled back from the old woman in front of him, quickly stuffing himself back into his pants and pulling up the zipper.
Grandma Mazur put her hands on her bony hips and shook her head in sympathy. "Oh, my. Is the tip supposed to be hanging off like that? Sure bet that falls off by morning. What a shame. Must hurt something fierce."
Looking over at Melissa her expression was the picture of innocence and concern. "Oh, well, that's okay. You can sew it back on, right?"
"What?!" Bobby's girly shriek echoed in the night between hoots of laughter. His fingers fumbled as he yanked his pants back down and gingerly pulled out his penis. Anger and disbelief crossed his face as he glared at Grandma Mazur. "It is not falling off!"
"Sorry. I shouldn't have said that, but you made me mad when you called me a broad."
"Babe, I think we better rescue your granny. Bobby's going to shoot her." Ranger could barely get the words out.
Stephanie skirted the officers standing between her and the flagpole. It wasn't hard to do. They were all in various positions of hysteria; some were bent at the waist, hands on knees, some were leaning against each other, and some were actually sitting on the ground. All of them were howling with laughter. When she reached her grandmother's side she took her arm and turned her while Ranger stepped between them and Bobby.
"Hey! What about me?" Everyone turned to look at Hal. He was still stuck to the pole. Seems his hand wasn't as important as Bobby's penis. Minutes later the male E.M.T. walked over with another warm cup of water and tipped the cup over Hal's hand. They all watched as the water flowed across his palm and ran in a stream between the back of his fingers and the cold pole.
Hal took a breath and let out a low, rumbling groan as his hand came loose from the pole. "Thank you." Hal's eyes were on the E.M.T. standing in front of him, but everyone else was staring at the wet stain spreading down the front of his pants.
In the shocked silence only one voice was heard. Grandma Mazur looked over at Melissa, the Emergency Medical Technician, "Well, whattaya know, looks like you were right about the fingers in the warm water thing."
Ranger's laughter rang as loud and clear as everyone else's at the scene on Haywood Street. His arms were once again wrapped around Stephanie as she dissolved into fits of giggles. When he was finally able to catch his breath he leaned his head down once again and placed a kiss against the side of her neck before whispering, "What was that about you owing me for life, Babe?"