Remember when I said that I had never given much thought as to how I would die? Well, that's behind me now. Far behind me. Ever since I met and fell in love with Edward, death has been an every day consideration. Spending most of my living hours with someone who was…well, not living? Yeah, I'd better be thinking about death. Of course I never believed that Edward would harm me. Though he was afraid of it possibly happening, I knew that he couldn't. He wouldn't.
But even after my encounter with James, I worry that maybe that's what he's thinking of. All the time. I can see it. Somewhere deep behind his amber eyes, something lingers, haunting, searching for meaning. He's thinking of how much safer he would be if we'd never met; if he'd continued to be a jerk to me and just stayed away from me in the beginning. Its too late to be thinking this, and he knows it. I'm just never sure any more.
Edward used to be easy to read. I could always tell what he was thinking, when he would stare at me, when his gorgeous smile would spread on his pale face, I knew that everything was alright. I look at him now, standing next to me at the top of the flight of stairs, staring down into the rug below. I can tell he's scared for me, scared that something might happen to me, to someone else that he loves.
I touch his hand and it shocks him back to reality. He blinks as he turns his head towards mine. "Don't worry. We'll find him."
He stifles a small chuckle, but his eyes remain swimming in fright and apprehension. Alice's terrified gasps cut into the heavy silence around us. She's in the next room, leaning on Esme. "I can't see him. Why can't I see him?" she cries.
Edward's hands clench the banister, his knuckles flexed so that I can almost feel the wood crack beneath him. I rub at his cold hands trying to distract him, trying to provide a string of hope in the midst of this sudden swirl of ill-fated events. "Carlisle will be okay."
The expression that I receive is almost too painful to look at. Edward's face goes blank, and his muscles lose their rigidity. He looks tired. He looks ashamed.
"If only I'd been here. I shouldn't have left…" he murmurs.
I had seen and witnessed it all. I had survived only because Alice had jumped in to save me and I had hid. Now, my mind reflects considerations that I've had before. To die in place of a loved one. Except he wasn't dead…yet. If only I had warned Carlisle, if only I hadn't been so damned foolish. Edward was here thinking that it was his fault and now all I could do was sit here and think that it was mine.
And in the mean time, Jasper was out there somewhere; losing every bit, every inch of his sanity while his bloodlust contorted him. And then there was Victoria of course. Why did I think that she had something to do with this? All I could do was think of her fiery red hair blazing in the mist the first time I saw her, the chill that emanated from her eyes, and the promise in them. This was only the beginning of her revenge.
I lift my head. " Maybe we should start looking…" My voice dies.
Edward is gone.