Author's Note:

So, you clicked on my story...

Yeah, imagine Alice chasing Bella with an enormous plastic dong while Edward cowers beneath the couch.

Uh-huh.

That's the sort of humor you are about to wither your mind with.

My sole warning. Hence, the M.

Long story short, I had this series of funny events play out in this brain of mine, and I just started writing. This is my first AU-All Human story. As a heads up, the theme songs here are: I Touch Myself by the Divinyls, Wild Child by Enya, and Blister in the Sun... just so you know how and why Bella is ridiculously OC. Also, I've been listening to the Juno soundtrack and Jason Mraz for most of the writing, so it's sort of cheerful, too.


Prologue:

In Which I Fail to Adequately Explain Myself

~ * ~

I think it happens to almost every girl.

You're merrily riding along on your bicycle or a bumping along on a horse, or better yet, you just straddle a couch cushion—and the jolt shoots up through you—and it came from down there. In the first millisecond you fear you've hurt yourself. You want to jump away from your own body, like you would from static shock or if you felt a creepy crawler on your leg, but then, you realize that the new sensation is definitely not pain. It feels right—like you've unlocked an ancient, secret code. You begin to understand that the nether regions can also be the pleasure regions, and all of that, so yeah, anyway, well…

Be honest, Bella.

I'm rambling because I'm self-conscious, and because it happened to me, too.

This is the story of how I, Bella Swan, developed my obsession with the waterfall—the waterfall that changed my life—the waterfall that helped me discover myself—and most important of all, the waterfall that introduced me to him.

This is my tale of mortification, dumb bitches, fake war paint, cave-men antics, an angel, and of course, the waterfall.

So, be a dear and bear with me.

~ * ~