AN: Wow, am I actually updating something? It looks like I am. It's been a while, a long while, but look something new! I didn't know where to take it after the kiss. I had more or less planned for the kiss to happen a couple chapters later and I know that sounds crazy because this is something, like, update number thirteen and I STILL hadn't gotten to a kiss but then that all changed so… I didn't know exactly where that left me.
Anyway, thank-you guys all so much. I can't believe there are 80 reviews on this story. That is beyond crazy to me.
"Someday I'll forget the colour of your eyes, the sound of your voice will be unfamiliar. Someday I'll forget that I once loved you, the feelings will have faded, someday I'll forget"
Chapter Five: part one
The rest of Wednesday passed without a thought and Thursday trailed after like an over excited puppy. By Friday I was starting to wonder if I'd imaged the kiss. It made more sense, didn't it; just a dream, just a fantasy, just something fanciful. If Edward's gloves weren't resting on my bookshelf I would have sworn it didn't happen at all. But they were there, they were.
If anyone tried to talk to me at school before the weekend hit I probably looked like I was brushing them off. It wasn't that I didn't care about their lives it was just I cared about mine more. It was a selfish thing and I wasn't used to acting that way but I guess it was fair, wasn't it? I spent so much of my time hearing everyone else out, shouldn't I get one moment?
My mother was off in her own head, out most of the time and yammering away about Phil for the remaining seconds. I couldn't remember a word.
It was like my brain wouldn't stop replaying the action I'd gotten. God, the 'action I'd gotten,' it sounded much more intense that way didn't it? It was the most 'action' I'd ever gotten though and I couldn't imagine anything that could remotely match the intensity. Sure it was maybe a ten second kiss, sure it was a peck in definition but it was also everything.
Maybe the days went by so quickly because I was scared of what would happen Saturday and yet expectant, excited; basically incorrigible. What would Edward say about the kiss, what would I say? I wondered if the rest of our sessions would be awkward and Edward would feel uncomfortable and regretful.
I spent Friday night tossing books in my room, reading random paragraphs before my mind would free the page and roam Edward. I would find myself sitting cross-legged on the bed, lying on the floor smiling like a mad person staring just over the book. When I would catch myself I'd blink, grab another book and try again. Sometimes instead of the stupid happy look I'd find myself glum with worry.
I didn't want to regret that kiss; I didn't want to feel bad and I didn't want Edward to quit on me. Was it so much to ask of the world to give me this one thing; this one person? Yes, it was.
It hurt to imagine not waiting and looking forward to spending time with him. And yes I did know that I was paying him for his time but, to me, it was worth it. His time was worth a lot more than what I paid. Still, my insides twanged knowing the only way I'd get Edward to spend time alone with me was by giving him cash. It made me feel like a suit, like an old man driving down 22nd street after one in the morning looking for hookers; like a pervert; and all we'd done was kissed.
But out of all the things I'd worried about Thursday and Friday the thing I hadn't counted on was Renee.
"Do you have coffee?" She asked as she stumbled into the kitchen while I waited on anticipated toes. I dropped the bagel I was nibbling to eye my mother. Her hair was pulled back in a pony tail and she was fully dressed; black slacks and a magenta satin dress shirt.
I pointed to the coffee maker too surprised to bother getting it for her. I watched her as she walked toward the cupboard and poured herself a cup of the dark brown liquid. She was four sips in when my mouth caught up. "I wasn't expecting you up." My words felt and sounded bland but the fact was I had a bad feeling about this, about her.
"Tossed and turned all night, finally gave up and rolled out of bed."
"Nightmares?" I asked intrigued by something other than Edward for the first time in days.
"That would require actual sleep," She laughed at her own joke, "No, no just life, you know, thoughts. I heard your shower running an hour ago; thought I might as well join you in the land of the living. I know I know you have your tutor session thing but after that we could go shopping or something."
My eyes tightened; I didn't know what to say to her. I swallowed the saliva that had gathered in my mouth. It wasn't that she was doing anything wrong it was just I had wanted to talk to Edward on my own and instead, well instead my mother was going to be milling around and ruining all chance for more… intimate talk. Not intimate kissing, I didn't think I was ready for that, but talk.
"Right, yeah sounds good." I ran my hand through my hair twisting around to check the clock. My heart stuttered, noticing he would probably be here in less than five minutes.
"I was thinking downtown shopping and you know that new movie theatre is up and running; we could catch a mid afternoon movie. A chick flick, something cheesy with attractive movie star boys and wispy confused girls with perfect hair even when submerged in too blue ocean water kissing their beautiful co-star.*"
I blinked in stupidity. "Yeah, sure, sure."
I heard her take a long sip of coffee, heard her place it on the counter as I stared down at the dining table reading and rereading the cover of my French notebook that literally said no more than 'French' and 'Hilroy* subject 5 sujets notebook cahier 360 pages 26.7 x 20.3 cm.' My face felt hot and I realized I was embarrassed for no reason I could discern.
She sat down across from me and I had to stuff the bagel in my mouth to stop the unnecessary sob that strangely curled around inside my esophagus*. "I'm not done Christmas shopping actually. I guess Saturday isn't exactly a good time to go what with the mobs but it'll be fun searching for steals. Right?" I darted my softened eyes upward.
I forced a quirky smile on my lips, "I'm not done shopping either."
Renee yawned just then never quite seeing my, most likely, frantic look. The doorbell rang and my body twitched out of my chair. As my heartbeat grew steadily louder all other sound dulled. Each step felt epic, like a violation. The second my hand touched the cold knob I thought I would black out. I was thrown; I didn't know how to act.
For the first time I seriously wondered if, given the chance, I would take back the kiss. Better to avoid this confusion; right?
I opened the door and he stared at me and I stared back. His face didn't betray his emotions and I had no idea what mine was doing. I shuffled a couple steps back as he slipped out of his shoes. It was eerily quiet except for the flipping of paper coming from the kitchen. I didn't know what Renee was doing; all I knew was that I wanted my mother out of the house immediately.
I felt like a traitor. My mother had raised me, hadn't she, she deserved respect and here I was just wishing the floor would cave in so I could talk in private with a boy that was so out of my league I felt like a tiny tot playing softball compared to the Braves*.
Edward didn't take off his coat, his fingers shoved into the pockets as he stood in the foyer. He shut the door with the back of his sock clad foot. "Hey."
My lip trembled at the sound of his voice and I opened my own mouth, "Uh, hi."
He tentatively smiled or at least his upper right lip reacted in what I would have said was a smile if he didn't look so anxious. "I, uh, I," he trailed off coughing to clear a throat that was so obviously clear already that I knew he was just kicking time around. "Well I guess I just wanted to say that I wa-"
"Bella," My mother called from the other room. "Have you seen the new 'Sears' catalogue? Because you know there are actually some cute shoes in it. I know you're thinking 'Sears' shoes, right? How tacky, how sixty-year old teacher's assistant*, but really I think if I like them they have to be better than what you're imagining. I have the better taste." She laughed and I wanted to vomit.
No, no what I wanted was to hear the rest of what Edward had been about to say. Well I guess that depended on what he was about to say.
Edward's eye had glazed past me, staring at the kitchen, or what he could see of the kitchen from where he was positioned and suddenly my priorities switched. Now all I wanted to do was tell him she wasn't acting as my buffer to the conversation of doom we were likely to have, just that she was bat-shit crazy and my mother and I didn't know how to tell her off nicely because, to be frank, I'd never had to before.
"To say that you were; what?" I whispered ignoring my mother.
He yanked his eyes away from the other voice and reoriented to me. "That I was…" he trailed off again. I bit the inside of my lip as I waited him out.
When I couldn't stand it any longer, which to be fair wasn't really long just my perspective of long, I spoke. "I'm so sorry for uh, the other day, and how I acted, because you're my tutor and I was, uh, acting out of line?" The whole thing came out as a question, came out of some large part of me that wanted to smooth everything over.
He nodded, his eyebrows curled in utter confusion and I knew that what I felt for him was bursting at my seams; dangerously close to venting themselves out.
He shook his head twice and he walked past me and into the kitchen and I trailed behind like so many times before. My mother was still sitting there, still flipping through a catalogue that, I swear, had popped out of no where. She glanced up, "Hey."
"Hello," Edward responded like a perfect gentleman. "How are you?"
My mother smiled like the easy person she was, "Just dandy and yourself?"
"Fine." Renee squinted, looking between us no doubt because everyone knew the code word for 'fine' was 'dastardly not fine' or at the very least 'not good.'
"You look tired," She observed making me reassess Edward. Sure enough he did look tired; I guess there was a lot of that going around in this house. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked paler if that were possible.
He made a quiet grunting sound as he sat down next to my mother. "Easily remedied."
I took my seat next to Edward knowing that my mom would ask too many questions if I sat across from him. "Easy to say harder to do."
I raised an eyebrow. "Well isn't that cheerful," I declared trying my best to change the dark mood.
"We'll look at those shoes later," she stood up taking her magazine with her as she left for the family room. The sounds of the television turning on and then turned down met my ears. She never listened to the TV this quiet, she was eavesdropping.
I blushed, horrified. "Can we talk about, uh, furniture?" Edward questioned.
"Translating," he clarified. "Like, uh, couch for instance would be…"
And catching on I answered him in my shady poorly conceived French accent ignoring my mother in the other room listening, ignoring my beating heart and ignoring that searing kiss because Edward was.
And because he didn't want to acknowledge any of them they didn't exist.
*Chick Flick: I have no idea why I write Renee like this. She's just all run on strange sentences and the oddest configuration of words. I also don't know why I imagine chick flicks like this. I think it's because I'm sick and it feels very late.
*Hilroy: A company that makes notebooks. I'm really not sure if these notebooks are worldwide or Canadian or what. I tried to wiki it together but I kept getting chemical companies so goggle told me it is a company based out of Ontario. Which is funny because I used to live in Ontario and nobody ever told me about the grand school supplies we were producing but then again I was five…
*Sobbing: To me this makes sense but I think to a normal non sick person Bella's stifled sob might come across as incredibly dramatic and oddly misplaced. In a situation like the above I could see the anticipation getting squashed and turning to misery. Yeah this is a sign I need sleep.
*Braves: An Atlanta, Georgia baseball team. I don't follow sports so I don't know if they are a good team but I watch TBS sometimes and they're always going on and on about the Braves.
*Tacky Sears shoes: This is in no way my opinion on Sears shoes. I just couldn't think of a large catalogue that had shoes in it other than the Sears catalogue, which coincidentally I used to have to deliver. If you want a workout get a job delivery those things. Seriously I think I broke my arms five ways to Sunday.