I have no idea where this came from.

Chuck vs the Premium Drunk

At 3:38 am on the night (or morning, depending on how you view these things) of his sister's bachelorette party, Chuck was awakened by the unmistakable sound of a human body bouncing off his bedroom door. Thud.

Chuck lifted his face off the pillow, instantly awake. The last year had made him a light sleeper - knowledge that at any given time someone could be stuffing him in a trunk and placing him for sale on Craigslist tended to do that to a guy.

"Hello?" Chuck called out to the darkness. There was a low, but unmistakably feminine grumble in response.

"Stupid doors. They should outlaw doors…"


"Chuck!" came the muffled reply. "I'm outside your door!" She sounded less than sober.

"I kind of figured that, yeah," Chuck said, untangling himself from his sheets. There was a rattle of the doorknob, followed by some choice words.

"Well, are you gonna unlock the door?"

Chuck stood up and opened the door, revealing a teetering Sarah Walker, in a flirty top and tight white pants. She stared vacantly ahead into Chuck's room.

"It wasn't locked. See, you need to turn the knob instead of cursing at it."

"Doesn't matter," Sarah said with a dismissive wave of her hand as she handed Chuck a pair of high heels and walked barefoot past him into his bedroom. "I'm having all doors outlawed because they displease me. I know people in the government, you know."

"I may have picked up on that, yeah," Chuck said, dropping Sarah's shoes at the foot of the bed and smirking as she unceremoniously plopped herself down in Chuck's desk chair. "How was the bachelorette party?"

"Chuck," Sarah said, with a perfectly serious expression on her face, "your sister… can drink."

"That she can."

"No, no, you don't understand. She's a drinker, that one." Sarah pointed an accusatory finger in the general direction of Ellie's room. Chuck laughed.

"I don't think I've ever seen you like this."

"Angry at doors?"


Sarah's face took on an air of indignation. "I'm not drunk," she slurred.

Chuck laughed again. "You, Sarah Walker, are drunk. Faced. In the bag. Hammered by Screwdrivers."

"Mojitos," Sarah corrected.


"Moe-heeee-toes," she enunciated for Chuck's benefit. "Your sister introduced me to them tonight. Tasty, and fun to say. Anyway, I'm just buzzed." She was momentarily distracted by the screensaver on Chuck's PC. She tapped the screen. "Flying toasters. That is completely amazing."

"Buzzed was about three Moe-heee-toes ago. You're drunk."

Sarah pulled her attention away from the screen saver and furrowed her brow. "Well, if I am drunk, then I'm Premium Drunk."

"And what, pray tell, is Premium Drunk?" Chuck was enjoying drunk Sarah. Well, Premium Drunk Sarah, for sure.

"Premium Drunk is that level of drunkenness where you have all the benefits of being drunk but none of the liabrarities." Sarah scrunched up her nose. "Liabrillities." She cocked her head. "Liabilities."

"Well done."

"I thank you."

"So, you're saying that right now you possess all of the fun effects of alcohol - relaxation, lowering of inhibitions, interesting pronunciations - but none of the unkind effects, such as nausea, dizziness--"

"Violence," Sarah interrupted.

"You're a violent drunk?"

"Why don't you fix me a Mojito and find out?" Sarah leaned forward in the chair and squinted at Chuck. "Feel lucky, punk?"

Chuck summoned all his willpower not to look down Sarah's shirt. "Not at the moment. Or… ever, really."

Sarah leaned back again. "Smart boy." She went cross eyed looking at a few strands of hair that had fallen into her face. "The hell?"

"So, where's Ellie now? I thought you guys were going to stay at the hotel."

Sarah blew puffs of air at the errant hairs, trying to force them out of her face. "She - plltthbt - she stayed. I - phfft - took a - plbbbt - cab."

Chuck moved closer to Sarah and brushed the hair out of her face. She looked up at him appreciatively and batted her eyelashes. "My hero."

Chuck smiled. "Saving damsels from distressed hair across the lands, that's me."

Sarah smiled back. "There are eight different ways I can kill you from this position."

"Wow. That is the most dysfunctional flirting in history."

Sarah spied a pen on the desk. "Ooh! Wait. Nine."

Chuck helped Sarah to her feet. "Lets get you to bed before you find a deck of cards and make it sixty one."

"I don't want to go to bed," Sarah whined as she climbed into bed. "I'm not tired." She took the headband out of her hair and fluffed it out. "Let's go get ribs or something." Chuck saw her making the motions of taking her clothes off under the covers.

"Um, let me get you a tee shirt and some--"

"Chuck, I'm sleeping naked, and you can't stop me, because I'm a grownup."

Chuck winced. Naked. Drunk. Sarah. In his bed. Job wasn't tested like this…

"Fine," he said. "But stay awake for five more minutes, okay?" Without waiting for an answer, Chuck went to get a glass of water and some aspirin. When he came back, Sarah had the covers pulled over herself and was dutifully awake, wide eyes pointed at the door.

"Here," he said handing her the water and the pills. He tried not to notice as part of the sheet fell away from her while she took the pills and chased them down with the water. She drank the whole glass and handed it back.

"Thank you," she gasped, falling back into the soft pillow.

"You're welcome," Chuck said, gathering his resolve and getting into bed beside her. He turned out the light, and stared at the ceiling.


"I'm Sarah."

Chuck laughed. "Yes, you are. Very good." He looked over at her. She had her back to him, and all he could see was a pile of golden hair. "Can I ask you something?"

"Okay, but only something."

Chuck cocked an eyebrow at that, but let it slide. "Why did you come here instead of your place?"

Sarah turned over to face Chuck. She looked at him happily.

"I wanted to see you."

Chuck stared at her, speechless. Sarah stared back for a long moment, then reached out a finger and touched it to his nose.


Chuck beamed brightly. "I kind of wish you were Premium Drunk all the time."

"You and me both, pal." Sarah snuggled up next to Chuck, and placed her head on his chest. "Can I tell you something?"

"Of course."

Sarah breathed in deep, and exhaled serenely. "When we finally have sex," she said, "It's really going to be good."

Chuck distinctly felt the world cease to exist for a split second.

"Sleep tight, Chuck."

"You know, I doubt that a lot."

The "Moe-heee-toe" bit is blatantly stolen from the very funny first chapter of Liam2's "Unexpected" fic. I apologize for nothing.