So, this is kind of random. It was going to be an installment of Going Cullen, but then I decided I was only going to profile the seven original Cullen/Hales, and besides, this was kind of too abstract and different to fit in anyway. Alu told me it was worth posting, though, so see what you think. I don't own Twilight, but R/R! ;)
Thump thump. Thump thump. Thump thump.
That is the sound that means life. It's always there – when I sleep, when I move… always.
It comes from above me. So close, I feel that I can almost touch it. Sometimes I want to reach out and take hold of it.
There is another sound that I hear. Not as often as the thump, but very often. It's a voice. A soothing, calm voice. Sometimes the voice talks to me. Sometimes it talks to the other voices.
When the voice talks to me, it calls itself "Momma." The Momma voice is always very quiet and close to me. She sings lullabies and calls me baby. I have grown to care quite a lot for that voice. She comes to me when I am restless, and is always patient and sweet. I think the Momma voice goes with the thump.
It's warm and dark, the place where I live. The space is small, but I can move. The Momma voice gets excited when I move. She calls me her "nudger." This must be a good, happy name. I seem to know how she is feeling when she talks. Sometimes even when she doesn't.
More and more, I think that somehow I am a part of the Momma voice. She always knows what I am doing, how I am feeling. When I am hungry, she asks the other voices for food. I don't reply to the Momma voice, because I don't think she could hear me, but that doesn't matter. She always knows what I am feeling.
I feel something for the Momma voice. I don't understand exactly what, but it is more than simply a need. There is a tenderness there, like the tenderness I hear in her songs.
There is another voice that I know almost as well as the Momma voice. The Momma voice talks to this voice almost as much as she talks to me. I don't know a name to go with this voice; the Momma voice calls him many different things. To her, he is dear or love. Sometimes, though not as often, he is Edward. I don't know which I should call him. His voice is more musical and deeper than the Momma voice. It is more often alarmed, more often afraid. He is also further away from me – but usually not much. He gets louder and softer, but never seems to go far. When he goes away, I feel anxious. I don't know why.
I have come to understand this voice too, I believe. It wasn't something strange or something that I had to work to do. The ever-present thump gets faster when he is around. The Momma voice is happier. I like it when she's happy.
I think I love the Edward-voice. I don't know it as well as the Momma voice, but well enough to know that he feels the same love she does. Sometimes he talks to me. I can feel his touch sometimes, too. It's cool and soft, and always makes me relax. He seems afraid, though. Always afraid. Afraid to come too close, but afraid to leave us – the Momma voice and me – alone. He talks very often to the other voices.
There is another girl-voice, but she isn't as kind as the Momma voice. She is a little sharper, a little hastier. She is here much of the time, and always fussing. The Momma voice calls her Rose. Rose-voice is impatient most often. She seems to want the best for the Momma voice and me, which I like. Sometimes, though, I don't like her, because she makes the Warmth go away.
I haven't yet explained the Warmth.
I don't understand the Warmth like I understand the Momma voice and the Edward voice and the Rose-voice. Maybe because it isn't here as much as they are. It comes and goes, but I always long for it. There is love in the Warmth, love for the Momma voice and for me.
Maybe I don't understand it because it is simply different. It feels more like me. I don't have to try so hard to know what it is feeling, how it wants to be treated. I wish I could get closer to it, like I'm close to the Momma voice. I'm very sad to see it go, and I think the Momma voice knows that. She always asks him to stay.
The Warmth has its own voice, but it doesn't talk very much. It mostly comes and stays with us quietly. I can feel its touch like I feel the touch from the Edward-voice, but the touch of the Warmth is very different. Though its touch is always patient and loving, I can feel a tenseness surround me when it's here. I think the tenseness has something to do with Momma voice, because I certainly am not nervous when the Warmth is here.
I am sad to see the Momma voice so torn. I wish I didn't need to have the Warmth, since having it here seems to make her so sad and happy at the same time. I know it is hard for her to feel. But my happiness is so real. I can't control it.
We share feelings very often, this Momma voice and me. We share many things. Hunger, pain, love, warmth, cold, fear… they are all here in us together. I don't know exactly why I feel the same things as the Momma voice but not the others. I still think it has something to do with the thump.
Very often, the Momma voice is sad when she is asleep. I can tell that she's worrying and not seeing pretty things. I want her to think about pretty things when she is asleep. Thinks like the Edward-voice… things that make her happy. I try to share my happy thoughts and pretty things with her. I think I am getting better at it. She doesn't cry so much anymore. It makes me happy to see her content.
My favorite of the pretty things are the woods that the Edward-voice talks about. I don't know what they look like, but I send her beautiful pictures of what I imagine them to be. There are lots of bright colors and it's very warm and safe, like my home here with the Momma voice. She likes the woods that I see too.
As much as I want to make the Momma voice happy, there are times when I make her hurt. I think I am the one doing it, and I don't mean to. It hurts me too when she cries out, even though she tries not to. I try to stay still, but it is becoming harder.
I know that I will need to leave this home very soon. It makes me sad to think about leaving the soft, warm place that I know, but I also want to learn more about the many voices and the places they talk about. I wonder if, when I leave this home, I will still be able to show the Momma voice the pretty things she likes so much. I would like to show them to the others too, especially the Edward voice. Maybe I will be able to. I will try.
It will be soon that I leave. I hear the Edward voice talking about it. He seems afraid. I don't know why. I will do what I can to help. I don't want to hurt the Momma voice, which is what I think he is afraid of. I hope that he can keep her from getting hurt.
The Momma voice and I were hungry for awhile. I don't know why the food that the other voices gave her wasn't good enough, but it wasn't helping us. We were getting sick. The Edward voice was getting worried.
One day, when the Warmth was here, it started to get better. Something that he and the Edward voice gave the Momma voice made everything okay again. We were getting better, getting stronger. I could feel it.
But then something happened.
There was a cold feeling, but not like the cold from the Edward voice's touch. This was a different, bad cold. The Momma voice seemed far away. I was afraid. There was lots of movement, lots of jolts. In the distance, I could hear yelling, but it sounded quiet. They were all there – the Momma voice, the Rose voice, the Edward voice, even the Warmth was there.
Lots of confusion, lots of fear. I could hear it all, but I was sleepy, I was going away. The voice of the Warmth was saying to stay awake. I think he was talking to the Momma voice, but I listened too. I wanted to help them.
And then there was light.
It was strange and scary, and I wanted to cry or make some kind of sound. I wasn't sure if I did. All the voices were so much louder than before. The Momma voice was clear. I could hear it.
"Let me… give her to me."
In hands that I thought must belong to the Edward voice, I was turned around the face the place where the Momma voice was coming from.
For the first time, I saw the most beautiful creature I could possibly ever imagine. Her expression was tender, her arms outstretched. This had to be where the Momma voice was coming from. I could think of no better place.
"Renes… mee. So… beautiful."
I was passed around, and everything felt cold and bright. I flailed and bit in my fear, and heard a gasp. Then The Edward voice came.
Renesmee… was that me? I think so. I didn't know what I'd done. I didn't want to hurt the Momma voice, or any of the other voices for that matter. I was a little alarmed by the absence of the thump – I couldn't even hear it in the distance… had it stopped?
The voices got loud again, and I didn't understand everything they said. All I knew was that I was passed through more arms, and ended up with someone cold who reminded me of the Edward voice. This new voice held me tightly and walked away. I knew this one - she was Rose. I thought she was very pretty, but not as pretty as Momma.
She told me that that I would be with Momma again soon, though.
That was all that mattered.