"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me." Whoever came up with this saying was so full of shit. One well placed word can hurt more than any stick or stone on this planet. My one word was hate…what a powerful word that can tear you in half and make you feel like complete garbage. That one word was used in a phrase that many words can be substituted into, I hate you. It could have been "I love you" or "I want you", or even better "I need you". But no she chose to destroy me by saying "I hate you". I hear those words echo amongst my thoughts every day. I can't sleep anymore because I can still see her face and her tears and can still hear her voice telling me she hated me. She said it over a year ago, I should have moved on by now but I can't. She was my world, and my world hated me. I met her the summer between my sophomore and junior year of college…
"Ugh Becky I don't wanna go. This is going to be so stupid." I groan at my best friend as she continus to throw clothes at me.
"Spencer we are going to this party," she stops and stares at me, placing her hand on her hip, reminding me instantly of my mother, "here wear this blue top. It will bring out your eyes."
I roll my eyes at her and drag my feet into the bathroom. It's not that I don't like going out or partying but this was our third party in three straight days. Lately Becky has been on this kick that she'll meet the man of her dreams at one of these parties, I think she's full of shit. Becky is full of fairytales and happy endings. I know the truth; people are going to leave you no matter what happens. I rub my temples as I lean over the sink, when I look in the mirror I sigh at what I see. My blonde hair has natural highlights from constantly being outside and my pointed features give me an intense look. I'm what some would call attractive but I've never thought of myself that way. I sigh as I pull on the shirt Becky threw at me and step out of the bathroom.
"Damn that took long enough."
I roll my eyes at Becky's sarcastic comment. I'm used to them. Nothing touches me anyway, I don't feel the sting of people's words or looks anymore; I'm numb.
"What the fuck ever. Can we just go and get this over with?"
Becky just nods and leads the way to her car. I lock my apartment door behind me and walk slowly down to my best friend. I don't know why she's my best friend; a part of me thinks she hates me. I can tell she hates who I've become anyway. God even I hate who I've become but I can't stop being that person. It's like when you space out focusing on nothing really and you can't look away. Well that's kinda what my life is like, I can't change it or stop being numb. I stare out the window as Becky drives us to the party while her radio blares some stupid rap through the speakers. I don't even notice when the car stops. My head snaps up when I hear her voice,
"You coming or not?"
She's staring at me with a look somewhat between annoyed and confused. I take a deep breath as I nod silently at her and open the car door. She walks quickly and I have to jog to keep up with her. I hate being rushed and she knows this but doesn't slow her pace. We walk the three blocks to the house in silence. She's gotten used to my brooding silences over the past year. I feel my pulse starting to pick up as we get closer to the house that is pulsating to the music. I can't help the small smile that creeps on my face, I do enjoy a good party and this one looks killer. Becky stops at the door and turns to grin at me. I grin back as she opens the door and immediately I'm bombarded with the smell of alcohol and sweat. The bass from the music echoes through my body. Becky and I make our way through the mass of sweaty, sex driven adolescents to the kitchen where the booze is certainly held. I'm not disappointed when I reach the kitchen and find the counters lined with vodka, rum, tequila, and just about any other sort of alcohol imaginable. I fix myself a drink and notice that Becky has disappeared, which doesn't surprise me. I push my way through the throngs of people to find an empty space against a wall. I sip my drink as I lean against the wall watching the drunken people flailing around. My mind wanders to a year ago when I was happy and loved. I think of him and his smile. My thoughts are interrupted by a tall, muscular boy clearing his throat beside me.
I roll my eyes at his stupidity, clearly my body language reads fuck off but he doesn't take the hint.
"Can I get you a drink hot thang?"
Gross did he just call me "hot thang"? I lift my drink towards him indicating that I have one already but he still won't leave.
"Then how about a dance sexy?"
What is with this guy, I mean I haven't even said one word to him but he continues his pursuit. I snap my head in his direction ready to tell him to go fuck himself when I feel a soft hand grab my wrist. I whip my head toward the offending hand only to be met by a pair of soft lips. My eyes widen as said lips leave mine and I notice that the owner of these lips is a small, brunette girl.
"Oh hey baby I didn't mean to leave you alone for so long." She smiles sweetly at me and winks.
Oh she's trying to save me from this guy. Right play along Spencer.
"Uh…right no its ok…um glad you're back?" Awesome Carlin that was terrible. Now I wish they would both just leave me alone.
The guy is staring at us and looks to have what is drool running down his face.
"Sorry didn't know you were like…with someone but that was so hot. Do it again."
The brunette circles her arm around my waist and I can't help but squirm a little bit at the contact.
"Fuck off loser." She growls at him.
The guy slinks off with his tail tucked between his legs. Thankfully the brunette lets go of me and I take several steps back.
"Sorry I had to do that but you looked like you were going to kill him. I'm Ashley by the way." She sticks out her hand and smiles at me. I just stare at her hand and then nod at her. "Not much of a talker are you?" Why is she still talking to me? I just raise my eyebrow at her but instead of her getting pissed and leaving me in peace she leans against the wall unnaturally close to me. I stare at her with fascination. No one usually bothers me at these things. In fact people tend to naturally shy away from me. The brunette, excuse me Ashley, seems perfectly content to just bob her head to the music and stand next to me. What is her deal? I shake my head and down the rest of my drink. I push myself off the wall and start to make my way into the crowd to find Becky but Ashley steps in front of me.
"Where are you going?"
She smiles at me again and I don't understand how her face doesn't hurt from all the smiling she's done in the past five minutes. I finally take the time to really look at her and I notice she's probably my age, about four inches shorter than me, and has coffee colored eyes. She continues to look expectantly at me awaiting my answer. Fine I'll say something to her.
She smiles softly at me almost like she knows something about me that I'm not aware of and walks in the other direction. What a weird fucking night. I shake my head and throw my body into the throng of people. I hope a night of boozing and dancing will make me forget the sparkle of his eyes and his charming smile…
Its morning and I'm mostly awake but I don't want to open my eyes. I roll from my side onto my stomach and release a giant sigh. I cautiously open my eyes, groaning in protest from the bright light of the already risen sun. I groan as I reach for me glasses on the bedside table. How I get home and ready for bed from these things I'll never know. I don't bother getting dressed for the day, I won't go into work. I roll my eyes as I enter my living room and see Becky passed out on my couch. I know the only thing that will get her to move her ass is a very large pot of coffee. My mind wanders as I fix the coffee and start breakfast. I know I shouldn't let myself but I start thinking about him again and the way it felt waking up in his arms. I smile as I think about his green eyes so full of life and wonder. He was the kindest person I've ever met and I had held his heart in the palm of my hand. I don't realize I'm crying until I see the drops hit the counter. I shake my head trying to rid myself of the images of his smile, his eyes but it doesn't work and I feel my chest tightening. It's a familiar pain, one I've felt every day for the past several months. I feel Becky grab me by the shoulders and turn me around. I allow her strong arms to envelope me and I silently cry into her shoulder.